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How to Ruin Thanksgiving in 10 Easy Steps
Run, Turkey, Be Free!
It is time for Thanksgiving again! If you live in the U.S., you know it is time to eat turkey, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. Plenty of people look forward to the event all year long. But what if you are someone that does not enjoy Thanksgiving? What if you would like to ruin it?
Well, assuming there is someone out there ready to ruin Thanksgiving dinner (did Grandma give you coal in your stocking last Christmas?) this is for you. I am happy to help you incorporate as much wackiness into your Thanksgiving dinner as possible. If none of these tips help, either your family has become desensitized to your weirdness or they are even crazier than this list. Either way, here are 10 suggestions on how you can ruin Thanksgiving.
How to ruin Thanksgiving...
- Start to describe in great detail how the pilgrims destroyed the lives of all the Native Americans. If possible, look up some statistics on how many Native Americans died in battles and how evil the white men were that took away their land. It is a good idea to begin this discussion while eating Thanksgiving dinner. Make sure to offer to pass the cranberry sauce after giving some especially gruesome details about their deaths.
- Eat all the stuffing. That is it. Just get there first and eat all the stuffing. You will be getting angry glares from all your relatives in no time, you selfish jerk.
- While eating dinner, begin to tell the most painfully awkward story you can imagine. For instance, a nice tale about going to the dermatologist and having some skin issues resolved would be good. If the pimples are on your butt, that would make the story just that much better.
- Ban all pumpkin products from your celebration. Trust me, a riot will break out by the end of the day.
- Pass out "memorial cards" for the turkey to all Thanksgiving dinner guests, as if they are attending a funeral. On the card, you can memorialize the turkey with information like:
GOBBLER THE TURKEY
BORN: JULY 12, 2013
DIED: AUGUST 18, 2014
CAUSE OF DEATH: UNNATURAL, MISERABLE DEATH AT THE HANDS OF EVIL FARMER.
HOBBIES: RACKET BALL, GOLF, KNITTING, AND WATCHING MARRIED WITH CHILDREN RERUNS.
WILL BE REMEMBERED BY HIS CHILDREN, GOBBLER JR., GOBBLES, FEATHERS, AND SQUEAKY. HIS WIFE, CAROL, IS SITTING ON YOUR NEIGHBORS' TABLE RIGHT NOW.
Have you ever ruined Thanksgiving?
- Build a shrine for the turkey. Insist that all your guests worship the turkey. Then you can start talking about what a great turkey he was and how much his family misses him. If you can make at least one person cry, my friend, you have ruined Thanksgiving.
- Insist everyone at your table wear a turkey hat on their heads for the entire meal. If anyone takes off a hat, begin to gobble at them.
- Dress like Santa Claus this year for Thanksgiving. When anyone asks you about it, tell them you consider it Pre-Christmas Day, not Thanksgiving. Begin playing Christmas music and break out the Christmas tree. It is possible everyone will walk out on you. It is also entirely possible people will sing along and help you decorate the tree. Either way, it is a major win on your part.
- Run away with the turkey. You have the option of doing this before the turkey is cooking or once the turkey is done; it depends on how much you are willing to risk getting beat up by an angry, hungry mob of friends and family members.
- Start timing each minute you spend celebrating Thanksgiving with others. Talk about how you have to run because you have more important things to do, like going shopping for socks at one of the many retailers that are open on Thanksgiving Day this year. Even worse, you could actually run one of those stores that is forcing employees to work on Thanksgiving. The folks running those companies are actually the experts at ruining Thanksgiving.
Copyright ©2014 Jeannieinabottle
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