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accidental death & dismemberment

Updated on November 28, 2012

Oh Jesus, I'm really sorry, dude. I did not, at all, mean to kill or paralyze you. You and all your friends are just not welcome in my kitchen. Or roaming all over my house! I was just trying to sweep your little asses out of my sight. Now you lie here frozen, a contorted twitcher. It's just really unfortunate that you guys are so fragile.

And hey, I understand that your family may have owned this spot long before I came along. And you're just trying to feed yourself and your family and get your rocks off and go about your own business, same as me. And you couldn't care less about property rights or trespassing ordinances. But largely, ownership hinges on possession, and possession comes down to whomever can dominate a place or an item. And I guess that's debatable, isn't it? I mean, we both have some dominance over this place. Sometimes simultaneously. Sometimes we take turns.

Anyway, I generally try to make peace, you know? I mean, I don't usually go around trying to maim, massacre, annihilate, or dismember anyone. Live and let live, yeah. But there are some things that you and I just can't share. We're just in competition head-on for some basic primal needs. And when you go after those things that I desire and that I have control over - and I catch you and your friends in the act, man - I will, instinctively, remove your asses as peaceably as I can. But shit, accidents happen. Dismemberments happen, even when some care is taken. Hopefully you can reorient your head and torso in good time. I mean that sincerely. But please do it where I don't have to watch.

Now as I lie in bed beside my soiled karma I find myself thinking, I sure would hate to meet up with your soul in an afterlife cocktail party. Especially if your spirit takes on the deformed shape of your current body, but my size. That just could not be good juju.

And talk about awkward party conversation....

Accidental Death and Dismemberment by Iggy Sarducci is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.


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    • Iggy Sarducci profile image

      Iggy Sarducci 5 years ago from Wherever I am now

      I carry spiders outside too; heheh.

      This one's kinda corny, but I do still like the image of meeting up at the afterlife cocktail party.

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Ahhh ant is what I thought. I will carry spiders outside but go all vigilante on ants. Fun read.

    • Iggy Sarducci profile image

      Iggy Sarducci 7 years ago from Wherever I am now

      Heheh, Winsome. Actually, he or she was a littler guy - an ant.

    • Winsome profile image

      Winsome 7 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Dude the cockroach was only being himself, and being a survivor as a species his folk will outlast you so no worries. On another note, I finished the reply to your question and you will find it here:

    • Iggy Sarducci profile image

      Iggy Sarducci 7 years ago from Wherever I am now

      Thanks so much, amigos!

      I didn't know what to make of this one. It just came spilling out on Wednesday night and I thought, what the hell... I'll throw it up on HP and see if I get flamed, and wound up reworking it a bit in the process. The funniest thing about it is that it got way more hits than any of my other hubs did on their first day - surely because the title is a play on the form of worker's insurance.

      And yeah, I laughed when I though of lying in bed beside my soiled karma. :)

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 7 years ago from Wales

      Loved this one again Iggy! This is totally a new style of writing to my usual reading material but this is really growing on me. I think you're very talented and have such a clever way with words,I'm hooked!!

    • ltfawkes profile image

      ltfawkes 7 years ago from NE Ohio

      You rock, Iggy. Another great hub.


    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Lying in your bed beside your soiled Karma? I can SEE that, Iggy-awesome image. I love the dialogue in this piece.

      Contorted twitchers can be a pain in the arse, indeed! :)