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All Your Spelling Are Belong To Us

Updated on September 25, 2015
The little robot head has found something to dislike in one of my hubs
The little robot head has found something to dislike in one of my hubs

Everybody Loves to be Loved by Google

Venturing outside my palatial estate means someone will ask me for advice. I can't stand in line at Walmart without numerous shoppers inquiring as to the source of my online riches. I'm nowhere near the Internet expert that Joe is, but somehow I managed to wrest untold hundreds of dollars from cyberspace.

Happy, I am, to share my real-world escapades. Few web-based experiences compare with receiving a monthly check from Google or eBay or Amazon. Yes, I have cracked the code for all three behemoths except eBay and Amazon. The giant bookseller paid me once: I thought I was on my way to fortunate fame but that didn't actually work out. eBay never did send me money. I pepper my hubs with eBay capsules to no positive end.

Google, however, regularly increases my bank account. The great Internet behemoth regularly guides unwary cyber-travelers to my compositions. From there I'm only a click away from more pennies. The trick seems to be figuring out why Google likes me and not my neighbor, who is the great-grandson of Hemingway's shotgun salesman or something like that.

What makes be worthy of adoration from Google algorithms? When those 1's and 0's coalesce into search results, why am I at the top of the heap? Why am I the tallest midget?

I have it figured out, I think.

Recently my hubs found themselves graced with little robot heads. Nothing pleases me more than yet one more icon bestowed by HubPages computing services. I loved the skull. I deeply appreciate every dull black triangle. All these icons sum to pure online bliss for me and my compositions.

So this little robot head tells me that I may have misspelled something. If I did not misspell something, then one of my dear commenters mistyped a word. Heaven forbid we consider the possibility of poetic license: we must all conform to rules etched in stone by Merriam-Webster and administered by central processing units in the cloud. We must take time from standing in line for government cheese to consider spelling corrections from a little robot head.

TWO robot heads: HubPages doubly hates this hub
TWO robot heads: HubPages doubly hates this hub | Source

Ya better spel gud, or else

How, exactly, would Lewis Carrol or ee cummings or Bob Dylan make out on today's Internet? Methinks Google might slap down artistic attempts to exercise literary license. Imagine the paroxysms of infinite loops into which spell-check algorithms descend when confronted with Jabberwocky tales. I know I will.

Yes, the official Google Company Line is "Write good." If you want to be indexed, if you wanna make it to the Top 10 search results, if you want approval from the Google conglomerate simply use Proper English as recognized by computer algorithms.

"Write good." That's all we get. Google won't reveal much else. They will explain their historic Page Rank algorithm but that's old news. You can read the original computer-sciency paper here, but you can't discern the current implementation. If we knew their secrets, we'd implement them and we'd all be special.

This Is Your Brain On The Internet

Well-funded research indicates we humans don't even need vowels.Our well-designed brains fill in the blanks to make words out of nothing but consonants. We're wired that way.

We certainly don't need Sarah Vowell, but that's a different issue altogether.

Cn y rd ths? I thght s mch.

Now, Google has already slapped me down for violating time-tested computer code. The HubPages little robot head spins with delight: it has found misspellings!

Whither Online Writing?

Given that Google controls over half the online search queries, few of us think twice about considering the possibility of perhaps not conforming to the rules. We launch our spell checkers, We snap to attention as little squiggles appear under our words. We struggle to find dictionary-approved verbiage that would make our 6th Grade Language Arts teacher proud.

We also find ourselves akin to a frog in a pot of water. As the water slowly rises to a boil, we don't notice we are being cooked.


What Can't Google Do For You?

  • Sarcasm: Google can't measure nuanced meaning that many readers find entertaining.
  • Irony: Beloved Google has no algorithm to detect subtleties in the lyrics of Canadian-American singer Alanis Morissette*
  • Poetic License: Google computers cannot calibrate intentional misspellings or diflugled grammar. Make your points with real words or risk their wrath.

    *Canadian-American ? There's irony.


When you stir a rainbow of colors, you get mud.

Google and HubPages love polls, so here's one

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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 23 months ago from Ohio, USA

      @aviannovice : Try bait-casting for a while.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 23 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      Excellent. Thanks for bringing this up, as I was trolled out.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 24 months ago from Ohio, USA

      @Mel Carriere I thought I was an average troll. I will try to do better.

      Good experiment: your improper grammar will never be removed as long as I have electrons in my keyboard.

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 24 months ago from San Diego California

      I just used ain't in a hub, to test to see if the edit bots are sleeping. I hate the fact that I enjoy your nuanced meanings, even if you are a horrible troll. Voted up nuanced, or was that nuisanced? Fine line.

    • profile image

      Bronwyn Joy Ellio 24 months ago

      re fpherj48 - well said, nicomp!

    • brakel2 profile image

      Audrey Selig 24 months ago from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

      I actually like the corrections. Some of the comments were just in fun. I think most folks have accepted them now, and our hubs should be better. It is a step in the right direction. Blessings, Audrey

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 24 months ago from Ohio, USA

      fpherj48 , did you even read that I wrote? Your comments remind me of Progressive politicians here in the Colonies:

      "The "work" has been done FOR us."

      "There is no real nor time consuming work that WE must do."

      "if the sight of the little Bot heads don't bother you, you needn't even go in and check them!"

      PS: All the little robot heads in the world can't fix a garbage hub. It's a spelling checker, not a ghost writer.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 24 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      I am becoming convinced at this point, that somewhere along the line or within this Bot issue, is something I have totally missed.

      I've read NUMEROUS comments, complaints, questions by indignant writers and in general, a whole lot of negativity

      I didn't get it when it began and I still don't. My curiosity is, "What is so wrong, unacceptable or annoying about having spelling, grammar and/or punctuation CORRECTED in our hubs & in the comments?"

      How is it that I appreciate this and am happy to see it FINALLY being done ?...(Now all that needs to be done is DELETING Total GARBAGE hubs and encouraging those who write them, to learn to spell, use proper English, study punctuation and much more...before even thinking of calling themselves a "writer"......PLEASE, HP.

      I fully appreciate the fact that there are those from the UK who are annoyed with their British spellings being rudely changed to American. I'm with them. If I'm not mistaken, this annoyance has been fixed?

      Other than this.....I cannot imagine NOT wanting nor appreciating these corrections. YES, both in the hubs AND the comment section. There is much to be said about English-speaking masses, actually KNOWING their own Mother tongue...accurately and appropriately.

      The "work" has been done FOR us. All we need do is SEE the corrections. If there is anything we feel sure that should NOT have been corrected, we have the option to return it to its original form.

      That's it. There is no real nor time consuming work that WE must do.

      In fact, if the sight of the little Bot heads don't bother you, you needn't even go in and check them!

      I'm willing to examine what I'm missing if you care to educate me. Thanks!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 24 months ago from Ohio, USA

      breakfastpop , we'll find out together when The New World Order takes over and the Illuminati confiscates our guns.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 24 months ago

      Do they have taglines in prison?

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 24 months ago from Ohio, USA

      Thanks, brakel2! We are all laughing at the tiny robot heads.

    • brakel2 profile image

      Audrey Selig 24 months ago from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

      Hi - I fixed them. Some were typos of mine but not many. One needed a a French punctuation mark, and the rest were in comments. One was even in a reference, and I left that one alone. This is a cute hub, describing those funny icons that disappear to show perfect spelling, maybe. I could not wait to get rid of them, and then read a funny story about them. Blessings, Audrey who is now laughing.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 24 months ago from Ohio, USA

      breakfastpop : if that happens, will your tagline change to "See you at the delousing!" ?

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 24 months ago

      What's next? Will be arrested if a comment has an error?

    • Faceless39 profile image

      Faceless39 24 months ago from The North Woods, USA

      This just made my day!! :)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 24 months ago from Ohio, USA

      @drBJ -- Google and HubPages just want to help us become part of the collective. When we all write the same, we will all be special.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 24 months ago from south Florida

      You hit the mark for me with this topic, nicomp. I was completely flabbergasted when I saw those little robots listed in almost every one of my hubs. How can that be? I asked myself. I take pains to check my spelling and grammar continually.

      Aha! I discovered all those little gremlins are in my comments' sections. And I promise not touch a word of my beloved commenters' comments.

    • profile image

      Bronwyn Joy Ellio 24 months ago

      Great Hub. More!!!!