The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody -Part 10

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The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 10

The action of the new thrilling James Bond movie set in 2008 now moves to the Far East as the plot heads towards it's climax.

In leaked cables from the CIA and the US Department of State in 2010 the Weakyleaks organisation revealed how the USA eventually took the lead in operations against the Chinese Democracy Conspiracy.

As Julian Arsinge documented;

"The British were still heavily involved at this stage both in term of intelligence and military support. But we can clearly see at this advanced stage that the USA was taking overall command"

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Bond boarded the junk at lunch-time at Victoria Harbour after a two day scouting mission in Kowloon. He had a pleasant one-night stand with an old flame and managed to get a few phone numbers in a nightclub. But as he embarked from Hong Kong he relaxed and enjoyed the spectacular view of the Eastern Metropolis. The CIA had 24-hour surveillance on the Ying Bang Factory and an MI6 operative had gained access posing as an Australian Pyrotechnics importer.

But the agent had found the staff strangely guarded and he couldn't glean much intelligence. He did however manage to buy a few catherine wheels and a couple of rockets. Ostensibly as free samples but handy for his 4-year old sons birthday party at the British Embassy compound the following week.

However, although he could find nothing tangible, the sweet and distinctive smell of cherries had pervaded the atmosphere. It was the highly distinctive smell of Dr Popper. They had to be manufacturing the drink there.

At the moment on the junk, the highly distinctive smell of Cantonese-spices wafted up from the galley as lunch was cooking. Various sea-food dishes were available as well as some exotic chicken and beef curries. Time to eat so Bond had some chips with tomato ketchup. He was a little homesick.

In the South China Sea the boat made a rendezvous with 'HMS Sir Alf Ramsey' a Type 3 Class submarine of the Royal Navy.

Inside the British assault team of MI6 agents and the Special Boat Squadron were being briefed before tonight's operation.

Bond entered the large room,

"Right! Now, listen up you lot" announced 'Q',

"Aah! Welcome 007, glad you could get out of her bed, take a pew".

"Now! Pay attention everyone!" he continued, "Night vision goggles, with enhanced image-intensifiers utilising whatever light is available to its maximum effect. Essential for any night operation. They also have a short-term X-Ray capability for seeing through any but the thickest walls, handy to scan another room in double-quick time, but don't use them for too long or your eyeballs will balloon to the size of tennis balls"

"As this is an amphibious assault we also have two miniature submarines with built-in TV and a music deck to pass the time on the long swim ashore and..."

'Q' opened a large box....

"We've got loads of little treats here, turtle-mines, remote control crabs, mango-grenades, a scallop-shell satellite dish or how about this black mamba...A BLACK MAMBA!!! A SNAKE!! A SNAKE!!" screamed 'Q' as he leapt in the air. "How the hell did that get in there?"

The SBS troops burst out laughing and their NCO, Sergeant Toxteth, got up and removed the toy snake, "Just our little joke mate, Regimental mascot if you like"

"You vicious swines!!" said 'Q', "Well I hope you lot are taking this seriously cos if you're stuck you might as well just throw bloody sand in their faces,
“HERE!” he continued, “Run this up the flag-pole, a motorised shark-suit complete with a dorsal fin that can be removed on land and used as a weapon. Handy if you run out of ammo or need to take out a sentry on the q.t.",

He demonstrated by pulling off the fin and "Theeooowooooomphhh!!!!!!, throwing it across the room over Palin's head impaling the tip in the wall.

"I say! steady on" said Palin,
"Shurrup!!" replied 'Q', "You had my Beatrice killed"

Everyone in the room looked at each other mystified,

"And who is zis Beatrice?" Vulva whispered to Bond,

"My lovely parrot!!" answered 'Q' overhearing her,

"Blown to kingdom-bloody-come because of this idiot's clowning around. And just who the hell are you missus? We don't hear that accent much down in the Shires."

"I am Enya Vulva of the GRU, Russian Secret Service"
"Russian? RUSSIAN? What the bleedin 'ell are you doing here?"
"Excuse me sir" said a man, also with a Russian accent.
"Not another one!" said 'Q', "So what's Joe Stalin doing then? Come to sort the plumbing?"
"I am Colonel Benylin Chestikoff, also of the GRU"
"Well here's me thinking you lot had chummied up to the Chinese nowadays, still treacherous bastards aren't you?
"I hardly think so..."
"Hardly think? I'll tell you what I think Boris me old son, I think you two should get off this bloody boat and let us get on with the job. It's bad enough we've got the Yanks on our side without the bloody KGB shoving their noses in and...."

"Q!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!" shouted 'M',

"Ooh!!.... erm yes!.... yes! of course, sorry dear," said 'Q' meekly,
"This is a joint Anglo-American attack in consultation with Moscow, I expect full courtesy and co-operation. Do you understand?" said 'M',
"Yes indeed, of course my dear"
"It's ma'am to you mister"
"Absolutely, yes ma'am"
"Thank you" said 'M', "Now! Continue please"

"Right!!" said 'Q' as he finished his briefing, "Well not much else to say except let's hope for a jolly successful operation, the civilised world, even Russia, depends on you. We'll be boarding the 'USS Schwarzenegger' in around an hour where the Americans will assume overall command and control of the operation. So! jolly good luck cos you'll need it with those mad buggers and God help us all. Now! Any questions?"

"Yes" said Bond, "Any travel irons?"

"NO! We ain't got no bleedin travel irons" snapped 'Q', "Would you like me to make you up a little shower bag? You could certainly do with a shave, and I could throw in a little cologne to keep you nice and fragrant for the girlies, perhaps something for the weekend sir?"

"How about another exploding Beatrice then?" asked Bond,
"You smug git!" shouted 'Q' reaching for another dorsal fin before 'M' intervened.

"Boys, Boys, Boys!!, Thank you, Thank you!!" said 'M', "An inspiring speech 'Q', not exactly Henry the Fifth but delivered with your usual gusto. But remember now chaps, speed is of the essence as you will spearhead the assault in 'Operation Tea Caddy' to establish enemy contact and then the Americans will follow through with reinforcements to begin the full scale attack, Operation 'Righteous Fury'."

"That's right" agreed 'Q', "So when the Yanks gatecrash the party, keep your heads down and get ready for an old-style saloon fight. As it was, Bush wanted to missile the place but we talked him out of it, I think they've ruined more weddings than you 007"

They all now left the room to be transferred by boat over to the US Navy as the American military would now take charge of the overall strategy of the mission. Preparations were nearing completion of the combined operation which had heralded previously unheard of co-operation between Britain, Russia and the US.

On the 'USS Schwarzenegger', a huge aircraft carrier of the Pacific Fleet, Colonel Ted Brickabracker of Delta Force, finished his briefing,

"....and once the Brits and the Russkies have done with sightseeing and collecting coconuts, we'll take over and get the job done"

"Hah!!!" said 'Q',

'M' glared at him as he averted his eyes,

Colonel Brickabracker continued,

"Our aim is to take out the plant, capture Axl of Evl, alive if possible, cos we know he's in there, and get our hands on the master programme on their computer database. After that Intelligence Services will try and recover as many discs as possible to reduce the impact."

"And stop 'Q' storming 10 Downing Street" Bond said to 'M' in a quiet aside,

"Is that clear everyone?" said Brickabracker
"Sir! Yessir!"
"Ted can't hear you, Is that CLEAR!!"
"SIR!! YESSIR!!"
"Good. Now, any questions?"
"Yes" said Bond, and now 'M' averted her eyes,

"Does our travel insurance cover 'friendly fire'?" he asked

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