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The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 7

Updated on January 8, 2013

Just turned up? Take your seat for the start of the movie at this link and see what you've been missing so far.

Chinese Democracy : A 007 Mystery Part 7

Special agent James Bond 007 has encountered his targeted foe in the shape of Axl of Evl. But things have taken a turn for the worse for our hero and his Russian counterpart Enya Vulva.

What will become of them in this crisis of mortal danger. All is revealed here in the next thrilling installment of our movie based on the astounding Weakyleaks revelations.

"SEIZE THEM!!" ordered Axl of Evl.

His two bodyguards piled on top of Bond and at the same time the two Chinese agents suddenly sprung through a bush and grabbed Vulva,

"Hey Man" Slash protested, "What's going on dudes?"

"They're spies", said Axl, "I warned you about the security 'round here"

"Awwww Jimmy dude, are you from 'Metal Hammer' or sumthin?"

"No..." said Bond but before he could say anymore he was silenced and taken away,

"You are making ze big mistake Mr Rose" said Vulva as she was dragged away also.

"Hell Man. Ya just can't get no peace from the goddam Music Press" wailed Slash to the two girls, "Get in the Ring ya Mofos!!" he added draining his bottle.

Palin, meanwhile, watched the scene in stupefaction but quickly shook himself into action. He took out his mobile and rang a secure line.

"This is Atomic Rooster"
"Roger! Atomic Rooster, this is Mother Hen"
"Strutting Peacock is in the Foxes Lair" said Palin,"Repeat!, Strutting Peacock is in the Foxes Lair"
"Roger!, Message received and understood"
"He also has a chick in tow"
"Don't worry, in his case we always make contingency plans "

Palin's orders were to sit tight and wait until the local MI6 Action Team arrived. They'd hoped that Bond would infiltrate the organisation but now they had to act immediately. However, Palin made his way closer to the villa to see what was going on inside,

"I could get back in their good books here if I can save 007"

He sneaked around the outdoor swimming pool, gun at the ready and entered the large living room through a patio door. The room was empty. He tread carefully, wary of any cameras there might be, he turned right into a hallway and then.....

KERRAAAAAANNNNGG!!!!!!!!!!

A terrible sound emanated from below,
"My God!!" he said, "Is there a secret dungeon down there?"

KERRRRAAAAANNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

Palin could barely withstand it himself, but he bravely, or foolhardily, ventured forth following the noise through a door and downstairs,

KERRRRAAANNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

"Ooooooooooaaaaaaahhhhhh!!" came a high-pitched female scream,

The sound was getting even louder, more shrill and devastating in its intensity. At the bottom of the stairs Palin saw the door of this sinister netherworld where unknown deeds were being inflicted on Bond and Vulva. Above the door was a lit sign saying "Recording in Process". They were using Slash's private studio.

"Come on, old son" Palin urged himself, "It's now or never, there might even be a medal in this"

In truth, he was urged on more by fear of 'Q' than any vainglorious accolades and felt he had nothing more to lose considerign the trouble he was in.

KERRRRAAAANNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

At the next blast of that dreadful noise he opened the door slightly, praying silently that no-one would hear any noise. He looked through the crack and surveyed the scene with trepidation. Bond and Vulva were shackled together hanging from a pipe in the ceiling(Slash had still to get the room acoustically sorted) and Axl of Evl stood there, guitar in hand, plectrum poised at the ready beside a huge speaker and with Ernst Blofeld by his side.

"Blofeld? Damn! So that's how 007 was rumbled" thought Palin,

Opposite them sat their cohorts and flunkeys cackling with glee, the two henchmen and the Chinese agents Hu An Yu and Yu Kai Yin.

"Tell us what you know, or it'll be C sharp next!!" barked Axl,

"And where's my cat?" demanded Blofeld,

"You don't know 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary', do you?" asked Bond flippantly,

KERRRRAAAANNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!! screamed the power chord

"Ooooooohhhh!!!", moaned Vulva as she was weakening under the heavy metal onslaught,
Palin had to cover his ears to avoid the torture.

"Let me try" asked Yu Kai Yin, "That scumbag wasted all my ski-team"
"No! No! No more! No more!" begged Vulva, her stern Russian resolve beginning to crack,
"Okay, my fine friend" said Axl, "I'm sure you can give us an impressive display of your ancient Oriental methods of persuasion"
"Yeah! I play him Chinese National Anthem out of tune, that sort the bastard" grinned Yu Kai Yin

Suddenly the door burst open,
"FREEZE!!!" screamed Palin, "NOBODY MOVE!!"
Nobody did,
"Put that plectrum down Mr Rose and get your hand away from that fretboard where I can see it" ordered Palin, "Right!, Everyone down on the floor"

They did that,

"Throw your guns over the floor to me" he continued

They did that too,

"You! release them" he said to one of the henchmen, "And no funny tricks!"
"Who me?" asked Hu An Yu ,
"Not you, Yu!" shouted Palin "Him!"
"Who me?" asked Yu Kai Yin,
"Hardly you!!!, I'm not exactly going to be on first name terms with you, you devilish swine" Palin was getting exasperated, "Now! Take out your earplugs, all of you"
"Who me?" said Hu An Yu ,

"It's the other way round" said Bond,
"What?" said Palin looking at his gun,
"It's the other way round" repeated Bond, "The Chinese put the surname first, so if you say 'Yu' meaning Mr Yu, then it's him you're speaking too"
"Who me?" asked Yu Kai Yin
"Yes! you" Bond confirmed,
"Who?" asked Palin,

"Well really, I thought you'd know old chap" said Bond, "You being so well travelled and all that"
"I don't know who I was talking too now, but it certainly wasn't these two idiots, NOW! Shuttup the lot of you and stop taking the piss, I'm here on a rescue mission"

"Well zen, can you please get on with it" pleaded Vulva, "And by ze way, shouldn't you be telling them to throw their guns on ze floor"

"We've covered that bit" said Bond "Pay attention love".

One of the evil henchmen released the prisoners as Palin kept his eye trained on everyone.

He swept the room with his gun in readiness for any sudden movements as Bond and Vulva picked up the weapons from the floor.

"Very well chaps, thank you for this morning’s entertainment, but I'm afraid the show is over" said Bond as they stood by the door.

But just as he spoke the door flew open, crashing into our three heroes,

"Hey you guys!! Who's blasting out the killer guitar licks, Let's JAM!!"

It was Slash, staggering around with a new bottle of Jack barging into anything and everything in his way. He'd knocked two of the guns out of their hands. This gave the foe a second opportunity. However the quick-thinking Bond grabbed Slash by the hair and pulled him through the door in front of them.

"Jeez Man, easy on the curls, that hurts like hell!" moaned the guitarist
"Anyone shoots, and he gets it" said Bond as they all backed up the stairs like an awkward hokey-cokey in reverse
"Well, I'm afraid ya ain't got much of a bargaining tool there 007" sneered Axl of Evl ominously, "Kill them all!!!" he shouted,
They raised their guns but Bond threw Slash directly at them covering them all in bourbon, just enough time to get through the upstairs door before the shooting started.

..........the chase was on.
___________________________________________

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