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The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 9
Just arrived? If you're at the cinema you've missed the beginning. But if you're watching the DVD then here's the start menu.
The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 9
The action continues with a final shoot-out on the beach at Nassau after the incredible events resulting from James Bond's investigation.
In these scenes of the movie the MI6 team inadvertently come across evidence that will lead them hot on the trail of the Chinese Democracy operation.
Back at the beach Yu Kai Yin and Hu An Yu staged a pre-posthumous reconstruction of the Chinese human wave over the Yalu River at the Battle of Chosin in 1950.
"Die Imperialist Pigs!!" they screamed in unison as they came charging out of the dunes all gun blazing.
They had orders not to be taken alive and the MI6 team duly obliged since the Chinese agents gave them little choice.
Pow Pow Pow!! Ratta Tatta Tatta Tat!! resounded the Heckler-Kochs as they delivered a staccato farewell to the evil fiends who fell dead on the soft ground. Their fresh blood mingled with the grains of sand.
"There's nothing like a fun day at the beach, anyone for a game of volleyball", Bond observed.
"Damn it!!" exclaimed Leighton Buzzard, whose real name, in actual fact, was Captain Forsdyke Montague,
"Not having a good time then, Captain Montague?" asked Bond flippantly,
"Bloody spiffing!!" replied Montague, "The copter crew have just radioed in from the crash site. The pilot's dead, Blofeld's captured but Axl of Evl has got away, he's nowhere to be seen"
"Blast!!" said Bond,
"Not having such a good time now then, 007, are you?" remarked Montague
At the villa, the agents scoured the area for clues, something that might lead them to the secret record plant. Drawers were rifled, garbage cans upturned, cupboards and wardrobes emptied. They even rummaged through Slash as he slept it off.
"Wake him up!" ordered Bond, "And get the password for that computer"
Blofeld was soon brought in by the Bahamans, a very painful experience in the wrong hands. He was flung down on a chair next to Slash ready to be interrogated by Palin.
"Right you two. Tell us where the secret hideout is" demanded Palin,
"Oh well! Since you've asked" said Blofeld derisively, "I'm going to tell you the whole freakin lot aren't I?"
"Cheeky swine!" said Palin, "Where did Axl go, where's the hideout, when's the album due out, what's the Mafia involvement, we'll make you talk"
"Well! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"
"Nobody expects the Sp......You bloody smart arse!!!!" shouted Palin, "I'll have you for that!!" realising he had risen to the bait.
"Dont'cha wanna talk 'bout ma new solo album, dudes" asked Slash,
"No! It's Axl Rose we want"
"Ah dunno Man, Axl's kinda reclusive ya know?"
"Don't worry, we'll flush him out" said a voice behind them,
"And who is zis?" asked Vulva
"That's my boss" explained Bond.
It was indeed 'M', or 'Mother Hen' as she was lately called,
"Hello Agent Vulva" said 'M', "Didn't know the Russians had someone sniffing around Bond, or perhaps it's the other way around, eh 007?"
"All in the line of duty ma'am" Bond replied,
"HORSESHIT!!" shouted Slash,
"What?" said Palin,
"Horseshit!" Slash repeated, "That's the password"
"Oh! I see" Palin nodded.
"Check it out" ordered 'M'
The MI6 agents set about the computer files to see if they could find anything.
While they tapped away on the keyboards 'M' spoke with Bond.
"Don't concern yourselves about the Mafia" she said, "They were only dupes in the whole conspiracy"
"Ah, I see" said Bond,
"Yes" said 'M'
The agents at the computer muttered under their breath.
"Maybe it's a capital 'H' at the start" said one of them,
"Nope tried that" said another,
'M' tried to ignore them and continued,
"The Mafia thought they were involved in a smuggling ring" she explained, "But were just going to be used to grease the wheels of the distribution network. Not too bright or sophisticated but handy to have on the ground and disseminate the product"
"You've been doing your homework ma'am" Bond observed,
"Yes! ten out of ten to the big cheese, right 007?" said 'M' "We're watching their movements out of Las Vegas anyway now they've got a sudden change of management"
"Glad to have helped their staff turnover" said Bond
"I'm sure you are Bond but they've got a contract out on you now" 'M' revealed "So maybe it's time you started being a bit more of an actual secret secret agent instead of attracting so much attention to yourself"
"I don't really ma'am" replied Bond, "Trouble just seems to come my way"
"You can bet on it Bond cos you're looking at it" snarled 'M'
"Yes ma'am" said Bond
"Now!! Go over this place with a fine-tooth comb" 'M' continued, "Leave nothing untouched"
"Yes ma'am" replied Bond, "Me and Vulva will check upstairs"
"Ooh! That'll be shining bright matey!!. No! you search down here 007, where I can keep an eye on you. I don't mind leaving something untouched"
"Excuse please?" said Vulva, "I am not understanding"
"Never mind sweetie" 'M' replied, "I'm doing you a favour"
Bond was thirsty now and went to the kitchen for a drink, he opened the fridge. It was full of cans of Dr Popper. He took a can and went back to the lounge,
"Sprrooohhh!!!!" as he spat out a shower of carbonated juice,
"Disgusting! What a vile concoction" said Bond
"Hey Jimmy dude, that rug cost 10,000 dollars Man"
"Sorry old chap. But just what the devil do they put in this stuff?" asked Bond to no-one in particular as he looked at the ingredients on the can, "It's full of bloody Chinese writing"
"What?" asked 'M' "Show me that can!"
"Why? Is it important?" asked Bond,
"It might be" she replied,
"You see, while you've been away having fun and frolics, I HAVE been doing my homework. Dr Popper has a multi-million marketing deal to provide free cans of juice with 'Chinese Democracy' to the American population"
"Yes," said Bond, "I was aware of that"
"But maybe you're not aware, 007, that Dr Popper do not operate in China"
"Really?" said Bond
"Yes really!" replied 'M'
"Look at this ma'am" said an MI6 agent. He was holding a box. "We found a pile of these downstairs, they're full of cans"
'M' looked at the cardboard box, examining the writing on the sides,
"HK99873977" she said,
"What's that" asked Bond,
"HK!" replied 'M', "These drinks were made in Hong Kong"
"No wonder it was so bad" remarked Bond.
"So! What are these boxes doing here?" asked Palin,
"I'll tell you nothing" said Blofeld,
"I wasn't bloody asking you!!" Palin snapped back.
"Hey dude, Axl brought them, said not ta touch 'em as he'd be taking 'em away" Slash explained.
"Hey! ya know, you guys are kinda heavy for a magazine crew" he added as he began to sober up,
Palin explained the true nature of their investigation, assuring Slash that they accepted his complete innocence,
"Wow! Ya gotta be kiddin' Man, an Ah thought Axl just wanted ta get the Guns n' Roses guys back together Man"
"Palin!!, Get onto our team in Hong Kong, tell them to find out what they can", ordered 'M', "And contact the Taiwanese, they're always keeping a close watch on the Chinese."
"What about the CIA?" asked Bond,
"Ooh! I'm sure they'll probably know already" said 'M' in a loud voice looking around the room, "Isn't that right Felix?"
After a few hours during which the search continued and Slash entertained them with some acoustic numbers while 'M' kept an eye on Bond and Vulva, the information eventually came through from Hong Kong and Taipei.
"Yes!!" 'M' was exultant, "We have positive intelligence. Axl of Evl came her from Hong Kong three days ago and we have evidence that he was at the Ying-Bang Fireworks factory in Kowloon"
"So ze plant is in China?" said Vulva,
"I'll tell you nothing" Blofeld replied,
"Nothing we don't know already chummy" said Palin, "Take him away lads, we don't need him anymore"
"A fireworks factory? The Record Plant is in a fireworks factory? said Bond, "I think we're in for a really grand finale"
"Maybe not 007" replied 'M', "According to the Taiwanese, Axl of Evl went on a 2-week boat trip to the island of Yow Yippee in the South China Seas"
"You think zat is where the secret plant is?" asked Vulva,
"Most certainly, and thank God too," 'M' replied, "As it's not on mainland China we might be able to neutralise it without a major international incident, even with the Yanks taking part. Let's get finished here, we have work to do"
At that her mobile rang, playing the tune of 'Rule Britannia',
"Hello Felix" she said, "Ooh!! I'm only joking with you. No! No!, I'm sure your guys won't sink the island and start World War 3"
- Chinese Democracy : A 007 Mystery, Part 10
The action of the new thrilling James Bond movie set in 2008 now moves to the Far East as the plot heads towards its climax.