Funny Story About My Son With ADD: The Jonathan Chronicles Part 1

I have yet to touch on the ride of my life....something I fondly refer now to as the Jonathan Chronicles. These stories sometimes involve our other 2 children but most often, they are centered around one central character (and what a character he has always been)....our oldest boy Jonathan.

I cannot begin to tell you how he burst into our lives or how he has left Bob and I both (and many family members and strangers along the way) marked or touched forever.

We love him dearly and our lives would never have been the same without him. I have to truly say though, this child, this guy, gave me every gray hair I have on my head. But I can honestly say it was a wonderful ride.

Was it worth it? Oh, without a doubt...you bet....and I would not trade a second of it. I'm glad I was much younger when I was raising him though.  And I might have wished some of it didn't happen, but our life with Jonathan has never been dull!

This particular story is set in the lovely city of Detroit. We had moved there when Jon was only 4 months old and after living in an apartment for 6 months or so, we rented a small house in the suburb known as Dearborn, Michigan. It was a very old neighborhood, in fact a Polish neighborhood. I still dream about the fantastic meat market they had just a block from our house!

This tiny little house had several rooms upstairs, a very large unfinished cement basement and a huge yard. It was perfect for the 2 of us and Jonathan. He was 2 at the time and I was pregnant with Patrick. The house was owned by an older Polish woman and was my kind of house; immaculate inside and out.

I loved having the huge fenced back yard for Jonathan but there was unfortunately one little problem. There was a gate at the very end of the chain-link fenced yard and the gate had no key as the owner had long ago misplaced it. No matter - what would we ever be going out the gate for anyway? .....hmmmmm

The thing you must know about my wonderful Jonathan here is that he is hyperactive. When I hear stories about kids with ADD, I laugh or smile to myself. Jonathan could win the contests hands down.

I still punish myself with thoughts about did I drink too much coffee, if I had wine or beer, did that cause it? No matter now but he was hyper to the max from the day we brought him home from the hospital. It was a challenge to keep up with him as an infant but once he started to walk, look out. He actually did not walk - he ran!

At 2, I could never take my eyes off him for 5 minutes. He had already locked me out of the house twice (more stories for another day), he had turned off the pilot light for the gas, filled the dryer with LIQUID fabric softener, locked himself in my sister-in-law's car while it was running pointed at the store, and walked out the front door and down the road, somehow managing to unlock the front door. To say that I was exhausted all the time (and not from the pregnancy) was an understatement.

By late July, I was as big as a house (I truly looked like a beached whale and ended up going 3-1/2 weeks past my due date). I happened to have some time off from my usual transcription night job. I worked evenings and Bob worked days.

I was tidying up, doing laundry, changing the beds, etc. (you know - fun stuff) I had just put Jon out in the big back yard in the sandbox we'd built. I was keeping an eye out the window at all times to see what he was up to. The week prior, he'd emptied the entire contents of the BBQ onto himself and into the sandbox.

This time though, I saw him happily playing with trucks and breathed a momentary sigh of relief. I was going to finish the bedmaking and go outside to relax in the sun with him.

I left the room for a minute to take some towels I'd folded into the bathroom and use the facilities....and that's all the time it took for disaster to strike once again. I came back into the bedroom to grab my book to head outside and took one last glance out the window at the sandbox. WHAT? Where in the name of all that's holy is he?????

Of course he had disappeared. That's the way my life went. If I had had speed dial back then, Bob would have been 'it', my #1. I sometimes had to call him at work just to get a lifeline back to sanity with this child but at this very moment, I didn't even have time for a Bob call.

I screamed, I shouted "Jon-a-THAN" in my stern mom's voice out the window and still I could not spy him anywhere in the yard. What the heck? Was he abducted by aliens?

So I kept looking scanning further.....what was that....at the very end of the yard. No, BEYOND the yard....as in across the alley. NO way.....as in the yard behind us across the alley......the yard with....what was that??? The GERMAN SHEPHERD??????

Are you kidding me? I'm squinting because it's so far away it seems that I can't quite make it out at all......is that MY SON??? Is that German Shepherd leaping at him....is that dog trying to grab his ARM????????????

Shrieking doesn't cover it....screaming doesn't cover it......the bionic woman doesn't cover it......a whale running doesn't cover it. Oh-My-GAWD.............I'm barefoot, I have on a SHIFT for crying out loud. I look like a big swaying mumu without the luxury of being in Hawaii and I'm running.

I can hear the music from Chariots of Fire in my head as I race out the door, nearly fall down 2 stairs as I jump out into the backyard and the baton is passed......I'm running for the finish line which is the end of the HUGE backyard.....

If anyone had videotaped this, it would have sold a million copies for the laugh effect. I can hear the commentary...."Big pregnant cow running in quicksand is now halfway down the length of her yard....she's yelling something....I can barely make it out.....waaaah......JON-A-THAAAAN.........don't PANIC........MOMMY'S COMING!!!!!'

By the time I reached the end of the yard, I was out of breath (do ya think?). My belly had jumped up and hit me in the face I think a couple of times it was that big....my legs were killing me already. Who jogs when they're pregnant?

I see Jonathan....no bite marks that I can discern from over on my side...but the blasted dog keeps coming in at him and I don't know if he or she is being friendly or just circling for the kill since I realize belatedly that Jonathan is inside his KENNEL. Oh for god's sake.....does it ever get easy for me?

Now I finally realize one very critical point. I have no key for the blasted gate. It never seemed that important before and now it seems vital!

Well, nothing like a mother bear trying to save her cub. Since I was too pregnant to vault over the fence as I normally would (I can dream can't I?)....I decided that the only way to save my baby was to climb the blasted fence barefoot, somehow gingerly climb down, and then even more gingerly open the other fence......if I could....if it was unlocked! "Please God don't make me climb that one, too!!!" All I needed to do was get into their backyard. This was before cell phones, folks, so I was on my own.

With all the grace of a hippo, I climbed up the fence on my side, managing to get my blasted toes caught in every chink of the chain link, then somehow straddled the fence (I must note here that Jonathan AND the dog actually stopped what they were doing and watched this unbelievable scene unfolding in front of them).

I was going to gracefully dismount. However, my blasted shift got caught on the chain link, then in an effort to not tear my dress (oh heavens, we must be practical), I caught my toe somehow and then my leg. I ended up gouging my leg in several places on the chain link, then heard my dress rip anyway and then unceremoniously fell into the alley.

Thank goodness it was grass and not cement. All I could think of was the baby....and then all I could think of was my son......

Jon had been laughing away previous to my fall off the fence but now he was starting to whine a bit....and the dog was seemingly growing more aggressive. Perhaps he scented MY blood on the fence....oh yikes! The dog was grabbing onto Jon's shirt and pulling. By the way, no one had seen this all happening from inside the dog owner's house so I assume no one was home. It looked like hippo to the rescue and all that.

So I dragged myself up off the ground, looked down at the tear in my dress and my bleeding leg and limped towards the gate. Unbelievably.....their outside gate was unlocked. I started talking to the dog. I considered singing but I can barely carry a tune and all I know are show tunes.

I might add here that this was before I became a dog fanatic and except for my love of dogs, I really had no experience with dogs, especially very huge dogs who happened to have my son's shirt in his or her mouth.

I began talking to Jonathan....."Just do as mommy says and we'll get out of this okay?" He seemed to FINALLY have grasped that maybe this wasn't the smartest thing he had done (yet) and was looking at me all eyes and he definitely was all ears.

So was Killer the German Shepherd. I now heard a low growl in his throat (the dog’s not Jonathan’s). Probably the blood dripping from my leg was not helping me a bit here and the fact that my idiot son had gone into his kennel was another strike against us.

With a move a cop would have been proud of, I somehow grabbed my son, threw him out into the alley and slammed the door closed leaving only me and my bleeding leg between the gate and many, many snarling teeth.

I talked to the dog trying to explain that my son really didn't mean to wake him or her up and that we were going now. However, Killer didn't happen to like the whole scenario suddenly and grabbed at me instead.

I heard yet another rip (crap....this dress was not lasting the rest of today and I think it was pretty much toast).....then he lunged at me. Unfortunately for him, walruses can move pretty fast when they want to.

I gave a kick-out which was really a pathetic attempt at a karate kick. When you're 7 months pregnant with a huge baby, it's lucky I didn't fall on my arse to be honest. I let out a powerful scream but I think the scream was because I heard my underwear ripping....although that could have been my groin.

I somehow got myself out of the fence, slammed it shut, refastened the hitch and sunk down to my knees sobbing. Killer came as close as he could snarling away but finally gave up and went back to his cave.

Jonathan in true Jon form came over, put his arms around my neck and just hung on. I think he learned at an early age to just say nothing. I'm not sure if he knew why he did these things.....and I know I certainly didn't!

Well....wasn't that a nice relaxing afternoon after all?  I looked down at Jon and I looked at the fence a short distance away.  So near yet so far. 

He asked me something about if we were going back over....I shuddered....no way in heck, pal. 

So the wounded walrus grabbed the little boy's hand and limped down the alley and all the way around the block back to the house......where I promptly put a thankfully very tired Jonathan to bed for a nap.....hopefully.  

And then I promptly called daddy to tell him what ELSE happened today and think I mentioned something about needing combat pay!