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Top Google Search with Humor: How Do You Make A Baby and Other Nonsense

Updated on September 21, 2013
A very  confused author
A very confused author
There is no help for some out there.
There is no help for some out there.
This is what a baby looks like if you have followed instructions.
This is what a baby looks like if you have followed instructions.

For those of you who have not been following me, and I guess for those of you who have been following but didn’t really pay any attention, the inspiration for this article comes from my “How To” articles written in the past couple of weeks. Let me explain so you are all on board!

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Tie-A-Tie-And-Other-Nonsense

I decided a couple weeks ago to do a search engine search using the words “how to” to see what would come up; I wanted to get in touch with my fellow seekers to find out what was on their collective mind and boy oh boy did I ever find out.

As you may recall, for two weeks in a row the top search was “how to tie a tie” followed closely by “how to make chloroform.” Number three for Yahoo and Google was “how to boil an egg.”

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Make-Chloroform-And-Other-Nonsense

Now I readily admit to being shocked and dismayed by the results of those two searches. The fact that there are hundreds of thousands of people roaming the streets wanting to know how to make chloroform and too dumb to boil an egg or tie a tie has me greatly concerned and quite frankly it should concern you, too. You might want to pay a little closer attention to those neighbors of yours, especially during the 4th of July when they have explosives.

Discouraged but not about to give up on humanity as a whole, I conducted a new search, this time entering the words, “How do you,” and the results of that search are the subject of this hub. As I said in an earlier article, BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID!


HOW DO YOU MAKE A BABY?

Ummm…I’m not sure what to say here. Either there are some very young kids on the internet in which case I would suggest to the parents that they monitor their child’s activities closely because they are liable to learn way more than you want them to learn, or these are the same people who don’t know how to boil an egg in which case they are never going to be able to figure out how to make a baby!

The other thought that comes to mind is the same people who are trying to make chloroform keep passing out while trying to make a baby. Whatever the case may be this search concerns me on many levels.

I will do my best, however, to answer this question in a very clear manner. Take tab A and insert it into slot B and wait nine months. Please, don’t try to thank me!


HOW DO YOU KNOW?

How do you know what? I need a little more to go on here if I’m to help you! How do you know you are an idiot? Just ask your closest friends; if they are your friends they will help you as you stumble blindly through life. How do you know you are in serious need of professional help? The answer should be obvious! There isn’t much more I can do for you at this point but wish you good luck in your search!


HOW DO YOU SLEEP?

Well, first of all, get off the damn computer. Then you might like to close your eyes. If neither of those help then get in touch with one of the degenerates who wants to know how to make chloroform. It seems to me to be a match made in heaven. They can practice making their concoction and you will most likely catch up on a great deal of lost sleep.

On the off chance that you don’t wake up from the chloroform cocktail, your loved ones can do a search of their own: How do you find a low-cost funeral? The internet really is a marvelous tool that helps so many people, isn’t it?


HOW DO YOU SPELL A WORD?

Oh my! As a former teacher this makes me break out in chills and a cold sweat. Please note that the question is not how to spell a specific word but just how to spell any old word. In other words, how do I spell is what they are really asking. What is amazing to me is that they were able to spell the words in the question. Granted, they are all one syllable words but still, they somehow muddled through it.

My hope is that these are the same little kids who want to know how to make a baby because if these are adults then as a country we just need to roll over and give up! Keep in mind that these people vote and are part of the decision-making process in this country and around the world. They are walking among us daily, interacting with us, doing work for us and yes, dating our sons and daughters. It really makes me proud!


HOW DO YOU DO?

Okay, the first thing I thought of when I saw this was the standard greeting; we have all used it at one time or another so there is nothing strange about that….but….why would you do an internet search about a greeting? Isn’t it rather self-explanatory?

So if that’s not it then the question becomes how do you do what? How do you do??? Well, you just do! Nike says it if you haven’t been paying attention. JUST DO IT! Pretty damn simple now isn’t it?


HOW DO YOU WALK?

Seriously? Let me see if I can help you out. While in an upright position you move your feet. Are there any further questions or can I now numb myself with pain medication? When you master the fine art of walking do me a favor: please do not walk to the polling place this November and vote for President. We have enough problems in the country without you adding to them by voting. Also, please do not try to make a baby, or shop for groceries where I shop, or date my son. Thank you!

A DISCLAIMER

Simply because I write about these people in no way means that I know any of them nor do I condone their ignorance. I am every bit as concerned about them as you must be now that you have read this article. My confidence in humanity is shaken but not broken, and I will continue to hold out hope for the human race despite some serious evidence pointing to self-destruction in the near future.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you for one minute think I am kidding about these searches I invite you to do your own search and see for yourself. One good thing, and only one, that has come out of this exercise is that I have picked up a few new followers because of my writing about these loonies. Other than that I only have one last thought: MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS!

Do you understand how to make a baby?

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    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 5 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      Loved it! Hilarious and disconcerting at the same time. :)

    • albertsj profile image

      jacy albertson 5 years ago from Pittsfield, Ma

      You are too much pal. Too much of what? You may ask...just too much. You know I could appreciate this very mich! I voted in the poll & my answer was #2. ; )

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      This is so awesome. With each new edition to this series, we learn even more disturbing things. If you want to see something really special, go to Google and type in "can I eat" and just see what pops up. There are so many special folks out there. So disturbing!

      Awesome hub! Voted up!

    • michiganman567 profile image

      michiganman567 5 years ago from Michigan

      I forgot about this little experiment. You will have to keep us updated on your hits. Don't forget to use SEO to get to the top of Google!

    • TENKAY profile image

      TENKAY 5 years ago from Philippines

      hahaha that was funny but scary at the same time. A good observation on humanity.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Aww, Steph, thank you! I love to take some time off and just find the silliness in life.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Yep, I am too much...just not sure of what...we'll keep trying to figure that out, Jacy! Thanks buddy!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      jeannie, I'm afraid to do that now that you suggested it...it's like the kid in school you hated that would come up and see "here, taste this" you just knew it was going to be horrible...oops, not that I hate you lol I think I'll stop now.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Michigan, thanks for dropping by. I can't forget about it; it's like a train wreck; I just can't take my eyes off of it.

    • Emma Harvey profile image

      Emma Harvey 5 years ago from Berkshire, UK

      Haha, I need to try this search out (not how to make a baby though!)

      Very witty - pleased to follow you ;)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tenkay, I laugh while I'm writing it but then I start to really think about it and wonder if it really is that funny??? Thanks for taking the time to visit me once again.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Emma, it's a pleasure to have you along. It really is a bit scary doing these searches...I may have to take a break from them for awhile. :) Thank you for following my journey.

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      I just love your experiments. You write so well and have such a lovely sense of humour. I voted #1 more practice is always good.

      I just did your search 'How do you' and got 'How do you train your dragon' well we all have a dragon to train don't we, just need to know now how to use a fire extinguisher.

      Loved it, hilarious and voted up

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Calhoun 5 years ago from Western NC

      This is really funny! I'm glad you, um, tackled this subject. HA! Voted up and funny.

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Wow.. ties, cholorform, and baby making. What ARE people up to these days? This was so funny it made my ribs hurt! Awesome and funny!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rosemay, it really is fascinating to see what comes up on the search...the dragon one actually has to do with an online game called Skyrim; I only know that because of these articles. Thank you so much for following along.

    • savanahl profile image

      savanahl 5 years ago

      Oh my gosh! This was hysterical. I love it. It really brightened my day. Thanks for sharing.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, thanks for dropping by but please don't try any of these experiments...lol...I appreciate you greatly.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tammy, I was laughing hard the first time I did one of these; since then my humor has turned more towards concern. :) As always, you warm my heart.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well Rosemay, I just wrote a long response to yours and then it disappeared. Maybe I need a tutorial on internet use. The searches are both scary and hilarious and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you!

    • Cloverleaf profile image

      Cloverleaf 5 years ago from Calgary, AB, Canada

      That was a neat idea to check the "how to's" on Google! I couldn't help but come over here straight away when I say the title "How Do You Make a Baby?" - nicely done!

      Voted up and funny :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Savanah, I loved writing it. As always, thank you so much for following along.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I'm so glad you liked it Cloverleaf. I've been meaning to do this for several days but kept getting sidetracked. I had a blast writing it and thank you so much.

    • adjkp25 profile image

      David 5 years ago from Northern California

      It's easy. You mix some flowers and semi-sweet words together and then you bake the mix in an oven for 9 months; right?

    • Alecia Murphy profile image

      Alecia Murphy 5 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

      I can't get over how to walk. Unless you're training a toddler to take steps, why would you need this information? Just plain insanity!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      adjkp25, I am speechless...I had no idea it was that easy..lol...thank you for taking the time to read my silliness.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Alecia, I can hardly wait each day to do the search and see what else the inhabitants of this planet don't know how to do...thank you, your following means a great deal to me.

    • Kristine Reyes profile image

      Kristine Reyes 5 years ago from Baguio City Philippines

      a student of mine is an only child, she told me that when she was young she thought when her mom will marry another man there'll be an instant baby, 'cause she thought she came into the world like that..lol

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      You are such a clever, witty man. I don't need the help, but appreciate the thought!:)

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      laughs loudly, and then cries. Is this what our society has come to?

      Seriously, this is awesome bill. Oh, I just had a thought, do these people know how to blow their nose?

      Voted Up!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      billy.....How do you come up with these ideas? How do you take such totally stupid questions and actually give extremely well-thought-out answers?...and make us laugh, as well! How do you feel, after realizing there are so many really DUMB people out there?

      I did do a google search on "How to," once. Have you ever set up a trampoline? Easy, you say? HA!! My son spent an hour wrestling, hooking, unhooking, pulling, SWEARING.....and insisted I needn't do a search because......"Nah, I got it...don't worry about it...I don't need any damned directions!!" (oooo, ladies, have we heard THAT one before...in the car, maybe?)

      Well, I looked it up anyway because I"M the MOM....and there really IS a specific method...he wasn't anywhere close to it! LOL.

      How to make a baby? The impossible has happened. I'm SPEECHLESS!

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      Fantastic! You came up with a great idea. I love things that give us in insight into what goes on in this crazy world around us and in the brains of those living in it. Sometimes the best entertainment, and most shocking source of education, is looking at ourselves.

    • neeleshkulkarni profile image

      neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

      listen i am new fan and must confess i am totally confused about how to make a baby.

      This is at my age and my wife's(56 and 53)is practically irrelevant but one should never close the doors to knowledge (how do you spell knowledge by the way and also how do you spell, spell?)

      let us presume for a moment that i can find out how NOT to let her walk away as soon as a baby making session is proposed and also how NOT to fall asleep before it begins

      YET

      How do you do???

      Yes, How do you do what you said needs to be done?It is easy for you to say"take Tab A and insert one in Slot B"

      but God this is so confusing-

      take from where?

      how?

      Is it available at WALLMART?SEARS?

      does one need to check the use by date?

      can one buy in bulk and store in a cool dry place?

      or vice versa?

      is it legal to posses one?

      does one need a license ?

      Does it come with complete operating instructions?

      if it does not work properly can one get it changed or repaired?Is it covered by a manufacturers guarantee?

      no wonder the kids are confused.I would rather boil an egg than face all this confusion.Besides though i am asking you this i also need to ask you the most fundamental question-

      HOW DO YOU KNOW?

    • TENKAY profile image

      TENKAY 5 years ago from Philippines

      hahaha I love you neeleshkulkarni. Those are good questions... I better stop laughing, my co-workers are staring at me. Thanks for the laugh.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kristine, it is frightening out there; I had no idea until I started doing these searches...thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment...and best of luck to your student.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Linda, anything I can do to help you just let me know. ;) As usual your support is priceless to me.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mark, it's the truth isn't it? Does one laugh or does one cry? I hope it was more laughter for you my friend. Take care and thank you as always. You are a good man who I can luckily call my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, if you could take a road trip through my mind you wouldn't find it surprising at all what I come up with. It's a frightening world inside of my head but it is, at times, entertaining. You brighten my day every time you write. Thank you for the joy you bring to my life.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dana, it has been an education for me. I hope you know how much I appreciate your support and I'm just happy I entertained you for a bit.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Neeleshkulkarni...I hope you are going to share your first name with me at some point if we are going to compare notes on this journey...you should write a hub on this; your comment was funnier than my hub! Bravo my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tenkay, I totally agree...that is one funny man!

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      "Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that." -George Carlin. Thank you billybuc for illustrating this in such a creative and fun way.

    • Feline Prophet profile image

      Feline Prophet 5 years ago from India

      This is a great way to acquire new followers!! :)

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Well what can I say? I laughed, and laughed, and then laughed some more....all the while feeling rather uneasy, because as you said they walk and drive and move among us. Funny and scary at the exact same time. Quite a combination. Great Hub.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dana, I just mentioned one of my all-time favorite comedians. The man was and is pure genius. Thank you for following along and I'm very glad you enjoyed my silliness.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Feline, although that wasn't my intention it certainly worked out that way. We all need a few laughs during the day and I'm glad I could provide them.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      phdast7, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I certainly had fun writing it. It is scary but I think I'll just laugh and say it can't be as bad as we think it is. Thank you for taking the time to comment as each of my followers is important to me.

    • justateacher profile image

      LaDena Campbell 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

      neeleshkulkarni- Unfortunately tests are not needed, no licenses either...if they were needed, we may actually have children who have families that love them AND no how to care for them! Then maybe we would not have a generation of people Googling "How to make a baby!"

      Billy - great hub, as always! You made me laugh!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      justateacher, thank you and I'm glad you got a laugh out of my silliness. I agree completely with you about parenting but that is a subject for another hub, one I'm not ready to tackle yet.

    • neeleshkulkarni profile image

      neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

      the first name is neelesh and the family name is kulkarni which for some strange reason all websites think should be taken together.I didn't know the net was so strong on family honor and all that!!!thanks for the comment on the comment. lol.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Neelesh, I am pleased to meet you and I look forward to a long internet friendship with you.

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

      I have never searched for how to articles but when I have an idea I try Key word Tool to see if there is less competition.

      This is quite and interesting read.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vinaya, it was fascinating for me and a bit scary. :) Thank you for dropping by; I appreciate your following along.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Hilarious and somewhat scary. Interesting topic..Enjoyed reading...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Always, it is always a pleasure to have you stop by. I'm glad you enjoyed my attempt at humor. The reaction of many was the same as mine when I was writing it...very funny and frightening at the same time. :)

    • neeta chauhan profile image

      neeta chauhan 5 years ago from Pakistan

      Hi Billy,

      really nice hub .....

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you so much!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      You have given us something to think about when using the net. I have come up with some strange results when typing in general questions like "children's toys" that would surprise you. Great hub article and written with a good use of humor in getting your point across.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Teaches, it is absolutely fascinating when one take a little time to do these searches...and a bit scary. The chloroform search frightens me on so many levels. Thank you for faithfully stopping by.

    • BakingBread-101 profile image

      BakingBread-101 5 years ago from Nevada

      So will your next hub be, "How to type through the tears?" of laughter, that is. This is too funny and all too relevant. My 5 y.o. asked me in the car coming from school, out of the clear blue, "Mommy, how was I born?" I stumbled for a second and told her, "In a hospital." She replied, "Oh good. I'm glad I got borned in a hospital just like my friend A----. Thanks for letting me be borned there, Mommy!" Ok, but at least she's only 5 and asking that!

    • Millionaire Tips profile image

      Shasta Matova 5 years ago from USA

      People certainly do look up some interesting things on the internet.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Baking, that is the question that strikes fear in the hearts of many parents. You handled it well considering you were driving at the time. I'm glad you enjoyed my hub and you got a laugh or two. Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Millionaire, they do indeed, and I would prefer to never meet any of these that I mentioned. :) Thank you so much for dropping by.

    • BakingBread-101 profile image

      BakingBread-101 5 years ago from Nevada

      It was more like a million laughs . . .

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I am so happy; I had a blast writing it.

    • profile image

      Humour Begins 5 years ago

      Hell yea.. that was funny and scary.. got me some tickling.

      http://humourite.in

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Humour, you must be British from the spelling of your name. Yes? I appreciate you reading and I'm so happy that you found it amusing.

    • Rosalinem profile image

      Rosalinem 5 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      a beautiful piece, well written. its amazing the passion people have for different things

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Rosalinem and believe me, I was amazed at the searches that I found. Thank you for dropping by; you are appreciated.

    • Sky9106 profile image

      Sky9106 5 years ago from A beautiful place on earth.

      You are sure correct when being surprised at "How to boil an egg" Won't ask surprised at what? It will forever be to each his own at their price.

      No surprise at such a nice piece.

      Bless.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sky, humanity will never fail to astonish me...the good and the bad...and that, my friend, is life. Thank you and I'll see you down the road soon.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

      A great writer;and a very clever and unique style laced with a sense of humour;sounds like a great recipe to me!!

      Take care billy and enjoy your weekend.

      Eddy.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eddy, unique I am, or at least I hope to be. We all have gifts that we bring to the writing table; yours is all about beauty and the melody of words. Bless you dear one!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Thank you for the monday morning laughs!! I've been here before, but I like to laugh often!!:)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Linda, always happy to provide a little humor to your week. You have certainly provided many laughs with your hubs. Thank you!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I have Read a few of these - but so what! They're great and I had no idea these type of search terms would be so popular! Brilliant! Ok - I shoulda known! Lol

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelly, you spoil me by being so nice to me. Thank you and I'm glad these hubs are providing some laughs for you.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 5 years ago from Canada

      Billy, this is hilarious as usual. Thanks for doing all of this rigorous research to bring us this information. Much appreciated!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Prairie...I don't like to call you by your real name without your permission...and thank you for sharing this on another site. I appreciate you tagging along and reading my silliness.

    • profile image

      onlooker 5 years ago

      This is funny, phew! I feel a little smart after reading this hub. How do you do was the funniest bit to me. And now I am also worried about the kid I have never had. Hmm need to keep a keen eye on that monkey. Thanks, Bill this is truly refreshing.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ava, you are a riot. That little monkey? Oh, that child is in for a tough life. lol Thank you for stopping by; I know you are busy so go out there and sell, sell and sell some more.

    • jainismus profile image

      Mahaveer Sanglikar 4 years ago from Pune, India

      Funny searches. I laughed again and again while reading this hub. Shared.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Jainismus; I always appreciate your visits.

    • G Miah profile image

      Gous Ahmed 4 years ago from Muslim Nation

      Lmao! So funny, feel sorry for people who search for these things! Thanks for making me laugh!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      G Miah, thank you so much! I love making people laugh.

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