I Feel Like Writing Something

Miss me? You probably haven't read my writing for quite a while. Yes, I've been writing, no it's nothing you have seen on BuzzFeed or NRO.

Since we last exchanged ideas I've churned out thousands of words for my advisor in the form of not one but two dissertation proposals and innumerable summaries of technical research papers. Such material tends to crash/burn on HubPages. You see, gentle reader, HubPages prefers pop culture, product reviews, political rants, and anything that Google happily indexes.

We know from harsh experience that Google cannot discern satire or humor. Computers, even Commander Data, fall woefully short when asked to decide what's funny. I've written profusely about this topic because I've been chomped on the behind by HubPages pedants relying on computer algorithms to identify worthy contributions.

In the good old days I contributed subtly hilarious product reviews by the hundreds. All of a sudden HubPages woke up insentient algorithms: my career on this site ended. All my digital writing friends moved away. This place became a wasteland of hipster authors composing essays on bee keeping in Manhattan apartments.

HubPages encouraged their contributors to actually use the stuff being reviewed, or at least write in that voice. I couldn't do that. I was terrifically good at making fun of online purchasing (https://hubpages.com/money/buy-survival). However, HubPages doesn't know humor from a hole in the ground. My additions to the site were downgraded to "un-featured" where they languish even as you read this.

Do we still do that? Are nascent Hubbers obsessed with minimum tallies of words necessary to be featured? Do we toil over photograph sources, passive verbs, and fair-use regulations?

I don't know. I haven't been here for a while.

Are we still arguing over insufferable SEO algorithms? Have some Hubbers been anointed as SEO gurus? Do we accept as gospel the advice of SEO Sensei probably operating with impunity from parents' basements? I miss those days.

Having been gone for a while, I suspect you missed me. More about me might be found here. Doubtless you find yourself speculating over me and my voluminous volumes of hubs. There's nothing to be ashamed of: I often find myself missing me as well. All too infrequently I return to my Hubbing roots to relive glory days.

Particularly proud, I was, of my series of articles tightly focused on the eponymous city of Coolville, Ohio. That little corner of the Buckeye state has never been the same since I focused my attention on them and theirs. Too many to list here, you can certainly find them yourself. It'll be worth it.

Since I can't tell you what's new with you and you (hopefully) already know, let's talk more about me.

• Trump was elected, the world didn't collapse.

That's pretty much all of it. Other stuff happened but it pales in comparison. Liberals quiver in quiet indignation, Conservatives wonder what happened to their party. It's all in good fun until someone loses a country.

Indeed I wrote much about politics. I poked fun at both sides but mostly the Left side. The Left makes it so easy. In the old days I could rise from the futon in my parents' basement, yawn, stretch, and crank out 1000 words on the tyranny of liberal politics before my Pop Tarts were warm. By the end of Regis and Kelly I typically produced several epic screeds illustrating the inanity of socialism. It was all so easy.

This conclusion vaults me over 700 words and as we all know, a good Hub Page starts at 700 words. 699 words represents a height of futility because, well, computers can count words but cannot measure talent. e. e. cummings, Bob Dylan, and Dr. Seuss wouldn't have made it online: they had the audacity to use twisted grammar. They actually made up words. Google algorithms would have crushed their dreams and refused to index their compositions. Please don't imagine that I compare myself to e. e. cummings, Dr. Seuss, and Bob Dylan. I am still alive.

I'm pretty good on Twitter. Getting this word count up to 850 should be trivial. Once 850 has been topped, HubPages will surely permit my work to be crawled by infinitely wise search engines. They wouldn't dare hide my light under a digital bushel.

If you want to hear more from me, fell free. I've provided you with numerable examples of what a good Hub might be. All you need to do is read me. I know I will.

Quick question: does the copyright notice add to my word count?