Obama as Othello: A Shakespeare Parody. Act 4 Scene 2 : On the Shark Tank TV Series.
Verily and forsooth! Welcome to our play on Hubpages. But so much has transpired already in our story. This little link below will take you back to curtain-up time.
Obama as Othello: A Shakespeare Parody. Act 4 Scene 2 :
On the Shark Tank TV Series.
The scene is a studio set of the ABC television show Shark Tank in late Spring 2010. Seated along a curved table facing out into the room are some of the most powerful financiers in America.
They are George Gruessom and Charlie Blapper from the defence industry, Hubert Inkwell of Chase Manhattan Bank, Dino Temeriti of Morgan Stanley and Sally Cascade of Goldman Sachs.
Facing the camera is show presenter Kevin Harrington who introduces the next contestant.
Harrington: And now for our next budding entrepreneur ready to enter the Shark Tank. He is Othell' Obama a CEO of the giant corporation USA who is looking for a sizeable chunk of money to fund an overseas enterprise.
Obama: Good evening gentlemen and lady, my name is Othell' Obama, President of the USA. Today I am here to ask you for five hundred billion dollars to invest in my company.
The sharks immediately sit up in expectation.
They are certainly intrigued as they glance across at each other and also size up their new applicant.
Obama: Now I known that's a lot of money but the investment plan that I am about to reveal to you will, I'm sure, reap huge rewards. So! What will I do with your money? Well, my plan is to launch an offensive against the Islamic State of Iran. With that in mind I'll lay out my three-year business plan to you.
Iran is the only major player left in the oil and gas industry in the Middle-East markets and that's a lucrative area for exploitation. But they're the only outfit that we haven't got in our back pocket.
So it's an untapped source of superwealth and complete domination of the region. Yes! This is what you might call a hostile takeover but we've got strong backing from our acronymic partnerships across the world especially NATO, the EU, OPEC, the IMF the IAEA and of course the UN.
By destabilising the regime in Tehran through fomenting civil and political turmoil we can lay the groundwork for future opportunities in electronic espionage, political and economic pressure, covert operations and ultimately military attack.
As you may already know the focus of our efforts is against the Iranian nuclear programme that is currently underway. With your knowledge and investment combined with my easy-going charm I'm sure this will make us all a helluva lot of money.
Thank you. I will now happily answer any questions that you may have.
Inkwell: Hello Othello. This is certainly an interesting and very ambitious proposal you have in mind. We've been here before though haven't we?
Obama: Well I would say that this is a unique enterprise.
Inkwell: I'm not so sure. We had that dufus George W. Bush in the boardrooms before you with the same rap except he was after Iraq.
Obama: I would agree there are parallels but this time it's really quite different.
Inkwell: Well I sure hope so because his little project went tits up
Obama: Sure there were problems but......
Inkwell: Yeah! We had eight years of problems. What makes you think you can pull this off in only three years?
Obama: Because I might be out of a job by then.
Temeriti: Hello Othello, I'm Dino and I'm sure we can help with that.
Obama: That's for another day but suffice to say I've learned from the previous CEO and I'm taking a much different approach
Temeriti: How so?
Obama: This is less 'Shock and Awe' and more 'Sneak and Destroy'. He steamed in there with jets, tanks and cruise missiles. I'm more subtle.
Gruessom: Hi there Othello I'm George. Run it down for us then
Obama: Okay! In Year One I'll spend two hundred million dollars on electronic warfare. We'll set up a team of computer hackers to disrupt the Iranian network that controls their nuclear programme. It's good job creation for delinquent High-School drop-outs too which is a boost for my employment profile.
This chaos and disruption will cause untold confusion in Iran which will put pressure on the regime and at the very least slow down their progress.
Inkwell: And what will be our returns in the first year?
Obama: This a medium term investment gentlemen and I don't expect any profits in the first year. Maybe even a substantial loss.
Inkwell: I'm out!
Obama: Fair enough. Be as your fancies teach you but I think you're making a big mistake. This is gonna makes us all a whole ton of cash in the long run.
Cascade: You mentioned covert operations Othello. I'm Sally by the way. Can you give us some specifics?
Obama: Sure! We'll conduct these in conjunction with our skilled local contractors operating out of Tel Aviv. They're experts in the field of sabotage and disruption. That'll cost another two or three hundred million in expenses I reckon plus a couple of billion bonus if they pull it off. Specifically we are looking at destroying crucial components of their technical equipment. Also the Israelis will take out some of their top scientists. Cut off the head of the beast so to speak.
Cascade: And how exactly will they do this?
Obama: Easy! Infiltrate the plants and the labs and hide time-bombs. We can also blow-up supply lines or even suppliers. The Israelis have done that before in France and Italy to mention but two so they know what they're doing. We could also shoot an atomic boffin now and again to keep the squeeze on. All in, maybe allow for five hundred million on these deals.
Cascade: You do realise what that would amount to don't you?
Obama: I guess in the region of three to four billion dollars.
Cascade: No! I mean the ramifications. The legal consequences and political fall-out.
Obama: Oh yeah for sure. These amount to a concerted campaign of stock depreciation and asset stripping. There is also the added Human Resources angle of course. By rationalising the workforce in their upper echelons we secure a high degree of competitive advantage.
Cascade: So it isn't terrorism then?
Obama: Hell no! That's what the bad guys do. This is venture capitalism on a grand scale and at its most purest my friends. Sure we've got to be hard-headed but in business I guess you've got to be ruthless.
Gruessom: Okay! Let's move on to Year Two of your business plan. What are your cost and profit projections?
Obama: You're gonna love this. For mid-2011 through early 2012 we're gonna embark on massive advertising and a worldwide PR campaign.
Gruessom: How much? Gimme the figures.
Obama: I got a host of figures for you. How about 'nothing', 'zip', 'zilch', 'nil', 'nada', absolute 'zero'? How about a giant goose egg or all the holes in the bagel factory? Getting hungry now?
The four remaining panel members are transfixed and want to know more.
Cascade: And just how do you achieve this? Advertising is normally a huge consideration in a budget this size.
Obama: Nope! That's the beauty of this. We get UN backing on economic sanctions and a possible military strike on the nuclear industry. They do all the publicity for us.
Cascade: And you think you can guarantee this?
Obama: Yeah! The UN are a pushover. Better than Omnicon and without burning a hole in your pocket.
Blapper: What about the media? TV time costs big bucks.
Obama: Are you kiddin? Fox, ABC, NBC and CNN will be falling over themselves to sell this stuff. Moral panic and primal fear. We're selling the 'bad guys with the bomb', 'Mad Ayatollahs and Armageddon' coming our way. 'Duck and cover' folks.
Yeah! The networks love all that bull. It boosts their customer base, raises their advertising revenues and their share prices. Hell! They might even pay us for the privilege.
We also got the New York Times and the Washington Post on our side on this one. They're like our company magazines more or less although probably more truth be told. At least it'll keep them off my back for a while. They don't like me no more.
Blapper: Well I must say that's the most incredible pitch I've heard on that subject. You certainly seem to have that all sown up.
Obama: What can I say? I'm the Commander-in-Chief.
Temeriti: We like what we're hearing so far but for a satisfaction of my thought can we talk about the time-frame and possible opposition in this potential market.
Obama: Go ahead dude, I'm listening.
Temeriti: I'm thinking back to the Iraq campaign. Bush sold us a neat package. It would be a short-term investment then mission accomplished. Instant returns for low risk.
But that idiot made a mess of things and it dragged out for eight years. We couldn't attract a local customer base for our product and consumer feedback was atrocious. A PR disaster and it cost an absolute fortune.
Gruessom: I dunno. We made a killing on the production line. We couldn't build the tanks quick enough.
Obama: That's right! No loss for folks like you. Just ask Halliburton, KBR and Exxon Mobil. They were rolling in the cash hand over fist. The profits were eye-watering on that deal. Believe me gentlemen this is the opportunity of a lifetime. You're gonna earn megabucks with me at the helm.
Temeriti: So who would cover any potential losses.
Obama: The peasants of course. We can afford cutbacks here and there or everywhere for that matter. Austerity measures, job cuts, stealth taxes, cancel public works. You name it.
Temeriti: That wont be popular.
Obama: Depends on how you sell it. We still got a lot of mileage on the 'War on Terror' tagline. Besides the simple minions are gonna reap the benefits of world domination without lifting a goddam finger. So they might as well pay for it.
Cascade: But we lost a lot of soldiers in Iraq!
Obama: Only in terms of natural wasteage which over the eight year period was no more percentage-wise in a comparable multi-national. Recruitment won't be a problem either. With the economy on its ass and the wolf at the door we can easily replenish our personnel shortfall on any new campaign.
Blapper: This brings us to the crux doesn't it? Your Third Year projection for 2013.
Obama: Yes! After our gradual and progressive campaign we will take stock and decide on our business strategy for Year Three. I must be honest that after two years on continual operations I don't expect a boardroom takeover in Tehran or the imposition of freedom and democracy. Probably outwith our portfolio so it would be more than possible that we'll need to bomb the shit out of them.
Blapper: Could that not undo all your hard work on Public Relations and on cultivating investment cohorts.
Obama: No worries on that score. There are two ways of doing this. We can tell the Israelis that they can go ahead and drop some ordinance on the Persians. An initial strike would be around two billion in cost and the same for subsequent hits.
Cascade: Do they have the capability?
Obama: Oh yeah! Absolutely! Our F-16's and laser-guided bunker busters are the best in the business. They know how to use them. Look at the field tests they conducted on a sample population in the Gaza Strip.
Gruessom: I can see where you're going with this. Keeping the company profile intact by utilising a sub-contractor.
Obama: Exactly! Avoiding the heat man! Yeah! And at the same time we can express our concerns, condemn the actions and so on and so on.
Gruessom: What if it doesn't work out?
Obama: Boy! You guys sure do worry a lot. It's no problem. We launch our offensive except this time we get full UN backing and support from the developed nations. That's when we'll need real money because the overheads shoot up. We estimate at least three hundred billion to pay for armaments, maybe more.
Blapper: Now you're talking. Hell yeah!!
Obama: I'm like your enthusiasm Charlie. I'm gonna put General Cassio McChrystal in charge. He's doing a fine job in Afghanistan. If we do a 'hands-off' deal with China and keep the Russkies in their place then it's a no-brainer. So c'mon folks what do you say?
Gruessom: I'm in!
Temeriti: Me too
Cascade: Too right I'm in
Inkwell: Can I change my mind?
Obama: Sure you can dude. That's change I can believe in. Welcome back to the party.
Act 4 : Scenes 3 and 4
- Obama as Othello: A Shakespeare Parody. Act 4 Scenes 3 & 4: General McChrystal in Rolling Stone
Our merry old tale is now into mid-2010. President Othell' Obama is in the Oval Room attending to routine duties. Enter the Vice-President Joe Biden with news to disrupt the relative quiet of the day.