ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

Rockinjoe Wants Me Dead

Updated on February 1, 2009

"The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter." - Dashiell Hammett

It was a morning like any other. Perhaps I was a little more irritated than usual but I don't remember why, because I look back on the day now and it is like a vague image viewed through a heavy London fog. With my cup of fresh, hot steaming Cuban coffee, I sat at my computer to check my email. Ah, the new issue of the HubPages newsletter had arrived. I opened the mail to find the Hubber of the Week was rockinjoe. Now I like rockinjoe. I think he's funny, smart and clever. Little did I know that reading that little email would send me on a downward spiral into the dark abyss of despair.

At first, the interview picked me up a little. He said some really nice things about me in the interview, and it was an honor that he even knew who I was, much less mentioned me. The kind words were elevating, raising me out of my funk, when I read this caveat: “He has got to go.” What? Go where? There was also this: “That is why I included him in my Celebrity Dead Pool.” Is that a hub? Somehow I had missed it. I was wary, the short hairs on my neck raised in warning, tingling with electricity. I went to the hub and read in amazement. No, it was shock. No, it was horror. Horror and despair. Ok, it was Horror and despair and wretchedness. Oh...Horror, despair, wretchedness, and despondency. Here's the dope: Rockinjoe wanted me dead.

 

Rockinjoe - Conspiracy ringleader
Rockinjoe - Conspiracy ringleader

"With the dope I got I think it fills me in pretty well." - Dashiell Hammett

You think I exaggerate? You think I jest? I do not. I have lurked around the misty alleys of HubPages gathering evidence. I have hacked into the HubPages master computer and accessed Top Secret files. Oh, yes, I have undeniable proof which I present to you now. As if this information wasn't enough to rip out my soul, I also learned that my so-called HubPages friends—ha!--thought it was funny. They thought it was hysterical. They were laughing at my imminent demise.

Here is the evidence I uncovered on the hub 2009 Celebrity Dead Pool. First up, a partial list of the 10 people Joe most wants dead. Note my appearance at number six.

4. The Sham-Wow Guy (TV Pitchman)

5. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (President of Iran)

6. Christoph Reilly (US Hubber-Note: He’s funny, articulate and a gifted writer. He has to go!

7. Bill O’ Reilly (Fox News Icon)

 

Murderer's Row

Shirley Anderson, My ex-Canuck friend
Shirley Anderson, My ex-Canuck friend
pgrundy, Now that she's been fingered, she doesn't look so smart.
pgrundy, Now that she's been fingered, she doesn't look so smart.
Mighty Mom, She's not Dr. Suess, she's Dr. Death
Mighty Mom, She's not Dr. Suess, she's Dr. Death
Sheenarobins, wants me dead in the Phillipines.
Sheenarobins, wants me dead in the Phillipines.
Gwendymom, I loved her once.
Gwendymom, I loved her once.

"Feed the lettuce to the bunny and eat the bunny." - Dashiell Hammett

Don't be confused by the “funny, articulate and gifted” business. This is subterfuge. If you are planning on murdering somebody, you don't go around publicly bad-mouthing them. No. You go around saying nice things about them. This is akin to running through a stream to throw off the hounds. It doesn't work with hounds and it doesn't work with me.

Well, I was crushed. But my emotional devastation was just beginning. Next came my friends. People I cared about. People I thought cared about me. But NOOOOooooo! Read on MacDuff, the facts are there. The sickening, inarguable facts:

Shirley Anderson says:

That's terrible news about Christoph Reilly! I thought maybe kidnapped, death wasn't even a consideration (honest, officer!).

rockinjoe says:

As far as Cristoph, I believe a slip and fall is in order. Quick and painless. Plus, I'll be a million miles away when it happens.

Shirley Anderson says:

Good planning, you've thought about this! Re Christoph, I assume you intend total HP domination after his demise?

rockinjoe says:

Hi Shirley. Now you know too much. Be careful:)

Oh, my. My Canuck friend, in on the whole plot, which thickens with each new post: Next exhibit, the person doesn't actually join in on the fun, but neither does she warn me of the growing conspiracy. She notes that the plot exists, but then goes on her merry way:

pgrundy says:

Wow, I'm glad I'm not on the list. Let's see...

She goes on to name the 10 people she wants dead. Mercifully, I am not on her list. Who's up next? Batter up!

Mighty Mom says:

I am devastated at the thought our own Christoph Reilly might not make it through 2009. Please, Pepe -- step away from the bucket! I repeat. Whatever you do, do NOT kick the bucket!

Notice she warns my alter-ego, Pepe, but she does not warn me. Pepe is a character I created. Pepe does not exist. She warned a phantasm...but not the real me. Well, I've got news for you, sweetheart. When I go, Pepe goes with me. Hey! I'm still breathing. Who wants to finish me off?

sheenarobins says:

My family thinks I'm half crazy facing my computer and reading this hub. I laughed at Christoph Reilly on the list. lol hahahahahahha

Oh, yea Sheena, lol hahahahahahaha my dead body! The desire to kill me has spread across the world, even to the Philippines. She seemed so sweet and innocent, but she is a murderous wench. I wasn't finished yet. I gasped for air. Unfortunately, they were not done either. The next was perhaps the biggest blow of all. My dear friend. At first, her response was promising. Ha. False smiles and crocodile tears.

gwendymom says:

Ok, I am hoping that Christoph Reilly will not die anytime soon, but if he goes I think it will [happen] with an overdose of oxycontin when someone is trying to date rape him.

I sat there...stunned.  Silenced.  Even gwendymom was going to slip an overdose of oxycontin in my morning coffee.   It's like rockinjoe was Charles Manson and these were his mindless followers.   Which one was Squeaky Fromme?

 

Uncovered: Rockinjoe's Stand-up Act

"You've got to look on the bright side, even if there ain't one." - Dashiell Hammet

Blinking back tears, I typed the following:

Christoph says:

Ok. I take everything I said on the other hub back. Everyone is getting such a kick out of my pending death (though the slip and fall is a good idea--no one would think twice about it.) What I find truly amazing, is none of my friends (Ha! What a laugh!) told me about this. You'd think one person would say, "Hey, my real and not virtual friend Christoph, you might want to mosey on over to rockinjoe's hub where they are talking about offing you.  But nothing.  You know, it would be a simple matter to sneak into where you were performing and drop a Fresnel on your head.

 rockinjoe says:

Cristoph, is it any wonder why you made The 09' Dead Pool? You come in here using $2 words like "Fresnel" *that I had to look up, by the way) . How embarrassing that was for me. And your Hub friends didn't say anything, because they secretly want you to drop the radio in the bathtub while you're bathing. At least I was honest enough to come out and say it.

The roof might fall in; anything could happen." - Dashiell Hammett

I couldn't breathe. I went outside and sat on the porch, struggling to suck air into my lungs. What was I going to do? Where could I go? But then I had a thought. Don't run, you lilly-livered, quivering, side-show tough guy! Expose them! Show the world their evil plans! I set to work with a renewed vigor. First I scoured HubPages for clues, but was coming up dry. Finally I came across Joe's hub If Hubtivity Told Us Everything. It was funny, hysterical in fact, brilliantly conceived and flawlessly executed. But there was something wrong with it. Something altered. Something hidden.

I went in search of the original document. This required hacking into HubPages computers in San Francisco. I tried getting into the computer using Paul Deeds' account, but his brain was too complex which would be mirrored in his pass code. I tried Maddie Ruud's, entering the code HAWT, but it was no use. I then tried Ryan Hupfer. I entered the code AWESOME. Bingo! I was in. It took hours, but I finally uncovered the original Hubtivity document altered by rockinjoe. I was dumbstruck.

I could not believe my eyes. This was enough evidence to expose them all. This was enough evidence for the FBI to pinch them for Conspiracy to Rub Out a HubPages Author. I have it stored on a secret page, accessible only via the link below. Take a look now while there is time. It will self-destruct in 24 hours.

For the original Hubtivity document cleverly altered by rockinjoe, go HERE, if you dare!  What the Hubtivity REALLY said.  You've all been exposed! 

"It's sometimes better to pretend I don't hear the sound of somebody in the woods with a shotgun." - Dashiell Hammett

So, they are exposed as the murderers they are, but still I cannot rest. Not until each and every one of the depraved are in the Federal pen for life. I'll never forget my first glimpse of this world of horror, when everyone was amused at my impending demise. I imagined them passing bottles of champagne over my corpse. Me. Dead! Oh, how it haunts me.

I haven't slept.  I dare not close my eyes.   When I do, I dream evil dreams.  I dream of a pack of Hubbers with vampire teeth dripping crimson in my closet.   I dream of 20 rockingjoe's under my bed with knives, guns, swords, poisons, garrotes, voodoo dolls, and nooses.  Oh....the dreams...horrible....horrible dreams.

Famous Murderer's, Real and Imagined

Humphrey Bogart - Movie tough guy and sometime killer
Humphrey Bogart - Movie tough guy and sometime killer
Bride of the Monster
Bride of the Monster
James Cagney - movie tough guy and sometime killer
James Cagney - movie tough guy and sometime killer
Lizzie Borden
Lizzie Borden
Edward G. Robinson - Movie tough guy and sometime killer
Edward G. Robinson - Movie tough guy and sometime killer
Eileen Wuornos - The movie "Monster" was about her.
Eileen Wuornos - The movie "Monster" was about her.
Rockinjoe, uh...I mean, Charles Manson
Rockinjoe, uh...I mean, Charles Manson
Greta Garbo as Mata Hari
Greta Garbo as Mata Hari

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Maybe she misunderstood the contest and thought it was "name all but 10".

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      It does appear Mighty Mom was really into that list!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I got that Michael Jackson was chosen by Emwrites, C.C., Mighty Mom, and me. Any others? All three of those others submitted more than 10 choices, and the rule was submit 10, so they are all three disqualified, which leaves me!) Lol!

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      http://hubpages.com/hub/The-2009-Celebrity-Dead-Po...

      Michael Jackson

      number 3 from that list of course we still don't know what you did with Joe.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Have I said too much?

    • imadork profile image

      imadork 8 years ago from St. Peters, MO

      LOL!!!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      And besides, I was nowhere near any van down by the river.

    • imadork profile image

      imadork 8 years ago from St. Peters, MO

      I getcha. Mums the word.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      No comment.

    • imadork profile image

      imadork 8 years ago from St. Peters, MO

      CR: RockinJoe is missing! Did you kill him in an act of preemptive self-defense?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I can't think of anyone I'd rather have protect me. Chanel, huh? Got anything in a Pierre Cardin? Chanel makes me look chunky.

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      Poor little honey, dont worry I will protect you from this evil.To think you let them into your life with a trusting heart.I will go speak to my friend,shhhh, FBI,lets keep this quiet from them.Any crap still around he will dig it up.In the meantime I am sending my designer Chanel bulletproof jacket,for your safety.Together we will fight evil haha.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      blondepoet:  Well, you are a better judge of people than I.  I was totally hoodwinked!  I thought these people were my friends!  Boy, is that ever a laugh!  And you're right about Mighty Mom and her Mafia ties.  I found out her real name is Mighty "the Mangler" Mom!

      Thanks for your support during this trying time!

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      Oh what a horrific ordeal,I knew from the start the poeple here were fishy,and Mighty Mom, you can small the Mafia all over her.

      I just knew it ! She may seem to purr like a kitten but beneath the cool exterior I detected pure evil.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Shena: Of course it's all in fun! I laughed so hard when I first read Joe's hub and the comments by my friends (?). I hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. So I wanted to pay you all a little tribute! Glad you laughed again at my imminent demise!

      And thanks for visiting!

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      I can't help it. You bring back that old feeling of being glad I am here in hubpages. I don't know it really makes me laugh. I guess, I'm certified to be in your cult.

      How can this machine we call computer makes one laugh out loud? It's crazy. I did try to sound funny but I can't so I'd gladly settle to be a fan of those who makes the dead list and those on the list. :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Now ladies. Nobody is going to "rat poison" anybody. I'm sure it's all just a misunderstanding.

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      AMB, I just don't know if I can promise you one without the poison, I mean really you brought that on yourself. Besides it will be mildly painless, after the gagging and stuff, but then you will be lulled into a nice little sleep.

    • Anna Marie Bowman profile image

      Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

      I must watch out for The Great Leader as best I can. We all know there are several people after him as we speak. Someone has to protect him. Cult leaders are always targets. As for the martinis, I would love one. Preferably minus the poison.

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      I knew you would come and rat me out AMB, I had to follow you over here and check out what you had to say to CR, and I was right in my suspicions. Hmmm, martinis anyone?

    • Anna Marie Bowman profile image

      Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

      Chris, you may have more to worry about from gwendymom that you originally thought. She left an ominous comment on a certain hub of mine...

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Sixty: I knew that itch down there was something serious! Thanks for the tip!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      CR Just count yourself lucky. I have just read Scarpetta By Patricia Cornwell and apart from littlepeople, kinky sex, murder, internet identity fraud, one of the characters has a microchip implanted in his Anus. He is then tracked by GPS and he thought he was paranoid! So go figure.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Rose Ella: You and I think alike! Thanks for stopping by and the comment! (Did you hear that rockinjoe?)

    • Rose Ella Morton profile image

      Rose Ella Morton 8 years ago from Beverly Hills, Michigan

      People laugh because it not them. If it were, then it wouldn't be funny. That Rockinjoe look a little spooky. look like he might have a brother name Charlie.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Dorsi: You laugh? Oh. I'm so sorry for you. Your name goes on the list to the FBI and the NSA. So when you hear that odd click on your telephone, not to worry. When your computer screen suddenly blinks...not to worry. That dark blue sedan that keeps following you...not to worry. It's just NSA of the good ol USA, doing their job and protecting me from HubPages terrorists.

    • Dorsi profile image

      Dorsi Diaz 8 years ago from The San Francisco Bay Area

      I am so sorry to hear of this. Oh what evil games we hubbers play...hehehehehe..........

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Peacefulwmn9: You'll have to check with my agent on that. I heard through the grapevine that he was already shopping a script around about my life (and death), which has me kind of miffed!

      Thanks for the drive-by and the comment.

    • PeacefulWmn9 profile image

      PeacefulWmn9 8 years ago from Michigan

      When does the movie come out? I want to see it! :D

      Karen

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Trish: I didn't catch on except with Sixty apparantly. Just like him to jump right on the "eyebrow licking" bandwagon!

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Hmm, eyelid licking?  well, you're right about that Christoph.  It never caught on :(

      @MightyMom, hope you're wearing elasticized pants :)

      @sixtyorso, sorry to hear you're having problems.  If you are lacking cylinders, I'll have to have a talk with them and send in the reserves :)   Also, eyebrow licking?  now there's a talent! LOL

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Benson: Actually, we could use a doctor hanging out with us. People get hurt! Thanks for coming by and the comment!

    • Benson Yeung profile image

      Benson Yeung 8 years ago from Hong Kong

      Hey, you guys really party all night long. I'd better go to bed now. You guys have fun.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Sixty: I think you just wrote it. Just slap it on a hub and...wahlah!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      I am afraid I must humbly decline the "Lampoon Trish challenge" as I am seated on my throne supressing farts from another hubber (or is that hub), licking my eyebrows and unfortunately, I am not firing on all cylinders at present.

      Besides I am comtemplating my entry to emulate TOF and Toady for the shortest hub with the highest score. I call them hubhangers or hubthreads.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      The owl is very wise indeed.

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Wise Owl say maybe not so wise to ask too many questions!......

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      MM:  If I ever get my hands on 'the body in question", it WILL belong to me.  (Sounds like a country song!)

      LG:  Glad to see you checking in to make sure I'm running a tight ship what?  Jolly good!

      CW:  Hmmm...I'll take beach bar owner and sometime masseuse--but I get to choose my clients. 

      Misty:  Ah, one of my favorite books as a young teenager.  Just saw the film about a year ago.  That would make a good theme song for BT!

      Nix on the eyelid licking. It was a fad Trish tried to get started back in the day.

       

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hey Christoph, shouldn't B.T. have "Bright Eyes" (as in Watership Down") as his theme tune rather than "Born Free"??

      And, is licking eyelids a new kind of 'necking' for teenagers now??

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      Christoph/Pepe- Don't worry we will have a make over for you and even your wife won't be able to recognize you (besides my dad knows folks who can arrange for your perimeter security) hence no worries. Btw I am getting few ideas for your make over while hiding. Do you want to be the coconut seller, fisherman, beach side bar owner, yoga instructor, massage specialist, surfing enthusiast, or a rich fun loving American out to have a good time (the last one is so obvious that sometimes it may escape notice) ;)

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      I'm unable to restrain it, don't worry (-:

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Just a quick check in. Glad to see this taking on a life of its own. And glad to see the body in question does not (at least thusfar) belong to you, Christoph.

      I will work on coming up with a lampoon for Trish. It may take some time. Got a lot of sweetness to lick through:-).

      LG -- Nice work getting that coveted editing gig over at Christoph's! Way to go, girlfriend (or whatever they call girlfriends over in London).

      Later, gators. Roger, over and out. MM

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      LondonGirl: Oh, no you wont! I'm just getting into the groove that is you and you're going to bail on me?

      Listen, I appreciate your comments. You break up my day. You aren't bothering me...quite the contrary, my dear. When I call you 'my editor," I say it with fondness. This is true. Ok? Speaking of Habeus Corpus.....

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      Sorry, I'll try to restrain the pedantic, pain-in-the-arse side of me.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Countrywomen: Oh, no! You've given away the location! It's one thing for them to think I am in India, and quite another to think I'm in Visakhapatan. Kind of narrows the search area, don't you think?

      ajcor: I think London Girl has answered your question.

      LondonGirl: Thanks for keeping track of the comments and keeping things straight. You're the best Editor I ever worked for!

      Pam: I am against using those internet acronyms at the ends of sentences, as it is against my religion, but: ROFLMAO! No kidding, that's hysterical (and is a reasonable story, therefore, believable.) Do you really think he was undressing your car? What do you drive a Lamborghini? You SHOULD write that. I'm laughing already. Plus, as someone who just heard the term MILF, you may have an interesting perspective on it.

      Trish: Please tell Trish that she is welcome here anytime.

      anjalichugh: Harvard Law, '81. Not really. Everyone knows that, especially with the Guantanamo Bay fiasco.

      LondonGirl: That's what I said about the MILF!

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      I love the literal meaning of habeus corpus - "you should have the body!"

    • anjalichugh profile image

      anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York

      'Habeus Corpus'.....I love that legal jargon. Where did you learn that Chris?

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Trish <~~ is speechless too now. She'll be back after she's had her first pot of coffee :)

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      Christoph, funny you should ask. It just so happens that last year when there was some road construction going on, the guy holding the stop/go sign had that MILF look in his eyes everytime I drove by. It's true. Sometimes he'd make me stop when there was no other traffic and he'd undress my car with his eyes. I have plans to do a hub about it, so I can't reveal the whole story. ;)

      Your devoted MILF fan, Pam

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      It means, "a mother I'd like to f [have intimate relations with]"

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      what is a milf? enlightenment please ...

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      Christoph- Just came back to check to see for any improvements in your paranoid behavior and I see that Joe seems to have mellowed down a bit. But in case you ever come back to high alert(red) then you are welcome to board the flight to Visakhapatnam where we have that house (at least let us know a few days in advance to get the unused house cleaned and stock up with coconuts unless you are good at climbing the trees to fetch them yourself)...hehe

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Are you a MILF Pam? I saw on another hub you said you were a MILF.

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      ROFLMAO! :D

      Gosh, you've rendered me speechless with talk of crap and spinning crap.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      You don't have to take that crap, Trish. Wipe it off and defend yourself. Put a little spin on it.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      rmr: I can't get it out of my heads either.

      Pam: I think you're on to something there. Might be as easy as sticking the Tidy Bowl man with a harpoon! I'll expect a rough draft first thing in the morning.

      Trish: You don't have to. Little Timmy toe-licker already told everybody!

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      LOL, okay Trish, since I am your friend, I will try to resist lampooning you with silly observations about your cylinders and your throne which all kind of point in the direction of someone, not naming names, being queen of the crapper. :D

      Nope, you won't catch me saying anything silly like that even though it has quite a royal ring to it. :D lol!

      I just figured out what the problem is...Trish is too sweet to lampoon. :)

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      LOL Christoph!  I'll never tell :)

      @Pam, hey, i thought you were my friend! LOL  j/k

      Bring it on :)

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      Christoph, there might be a lampoonable angle to use with Trish regarding her cardboard cylinder hub. I do believe she refers to herself as the "Queen of Cylinders" and makes at least ONE reference about the toilet being her royal throne. Someone needs to lampoon her good over that. lol! ;)

      lol @ rmr and bt! :D

    • rmr profile image

      rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

      For the record, I am not schizophrenic. It's just that, sometimes I feel like a nut. Then again, sometimes we don't. I did however hear "Born Free" playing over and over in my head.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      B.T. Yes. I thought that would make you happy. Can't you just see you hopping along in slow motion while the song "Born Free" plays in the background! It's heartwarming...and frightening.

      rmr: Hey. Your roomate was just here. I know you are innocent. At least I think so, but for all I know you are rockinjoe too. Hell, you might even be me and I don't even know it!

    • rmr profile image

      rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

      Did I miss something? Just so you know, I wasn't anywhere near that dead pool. I can't even swim!

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

      I'm free at last!!! I didn't even realize it until I read the hubtivity report!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Trish: I'll bet you could have found a couple of boys to lick them. (You did, didn't you?)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      anjalichugh: I don't think I knew you were a laywer. I'll fire O'Shannon the Shyster immediately. As to what you were doing when all this was happening, you were probably writing something meaniful, while I wrote fluff.

      Thanks for coming by and the comment. Habeus Corpus, Baby!

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Thanks Christoph!  I'll take cute :)

      @MightyMom, very funny.  Unfortunately I couldn't lick my eyelids LOL.

    • anjalichugh profile image

      anjalichugh 8 years ago from New York

      Hey where was I when all this was happening! You need a lawyer Christoph. How could you not think of me? LOL

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Mighty Mom: Not something in mind, but I was explaining that I had included Trish and Sally in the fake Hubtivity, but found it difficult to lampoon them, and in fact my attempt was lame. It also has to be in good fun and not hurtful at all, which is the tricky part. (There is some controversy here but it may only be in my head.)

      I have not yet chosen a continent where I shall reside. I have one in mind, with a very nice person who I know is not involved in the murder plot, but natch, can't say here. I will say no one will ever expect it and they will never find me.

      Sixtyorso: True, but I challenge you and Mighty Mom to lampoon Trish within the guidelines stated above. I'm not saying you can't, I would just like to see it. Maybe I'll learn something.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      Why would anyone set out to be lampooned. It is easy enough to do it by pure chance!

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Hi Trish! What a funny story about the lipstick/eyeshadow! I did something similar in 7th grade (before I was allowed to wear makeup). I used some red gel toothpaste as lipgloss. It looked great for about 10 minutes until I licked my lips and it turned white and foamy. Ha ha.

      Christoph, I suspect you have something in mind here. "It has to be something everyone would "get." It has to be "common knowledge." Is it kind of like one's Achilles' Heel?

      Maybe you (Trish/Sally) should read back issued of National Lampoon for inspiration (?). Meanwhile, have you decided which continent you're going to be hiding on, Cristoph?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      The other thing is it has to be something everyone would "get." It has to be common knowledge. Nice try, though. You're so cute!

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Hi Christoph,

      Yes, I'm at Sally's still.  I had her blessing to answer for both of us the first time, but she told me I was on my own for the next comment I left, meaning she had nothing to add.  That's why I clarified that I was speaking for myself.

      So now, it looks like I have work to do.  I'm going to have to give this serious thought.  Any hints on how one becomes lampoonable?  If I told you when I was a teenager, I once found a cool color lipstick that I thought would make a great eyeshadow color, and after I put it on, it didn't stay that color but turned red?  I was walking around with red eyelids until I could remove it.  Not too flattering with blue eyes.  Like that?  :) 

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      They didn't realise they weren't tame? That's kind of....stupid. I'm sorry for them, but geez...

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      Hi CR Yes wild animals is a distinct possibility. A few years back we had visitors to a lion park, who did not know these kitty's were not tame. These Chinese gentlemen stepped out from the car for a bettter photo op and became Chinese takeways. True story!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      LondonGirl: Thanks for the definition.

      Trish: That's a relief. I thought you were speaking for Sally too. Didn't you say you were there now?

      No, I mean you're difficult to lampoon. Y'all don't do anything...lampoonable. It's like, you want to make fun of a friend in a fun way that doesn't piss them off but makes them laugh, but you don't have anything to make fun of. I still didn't come up with anything for you, and I thought for a long time for Sally's.

      Anyway, glad everything is copacetic. Hope Sally feels the same.

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Christoph,,,

      No, there was no offense taken.  Seriously.  Actually, I couldn't think of what to say at that moment, that's why the comment about the jury being out.  I should have said I'll get back to it.  In any case, I did laugh because it was funny.

      I'm extremely flattered to know you were thinking of me (I can only speak for myself here) and it was a nice feeling to be included. I'm not quite sure what you mean when you said I'm difficult to tickle.  As far as I knew, I can take a joke as well as make one, so I'm a bit confused.  Do I come across too serious or something?  Just curious,,

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      "LondonGirl: I don't know what "arsed to" means, but I understand the first part and am glad to hear it."

      Arse is that thing most people sit on, and a few people talk through. Top of your legs, bottom of your back.

      Can't be arsed is therefore another way of saying, "can't be bothered".

      Restore all you like, nothing offends me.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Do write a hub. I'm sure you have an interesting view of your experiences.

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      CR- Good, take all those freeloaders off my hands because I personally, will not stand in Joe's way. I may be a little on the dumb side, but I'm not suicidal.

      And yeah, Got home from Vegas last night around 3 AM. I'm thinking about writing a hub about it. If my hangover gets any better.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Trish:  Jury out, huh?  I was afraid of that, and am not sure but may have offended some people.  It is just to show my love.  You two are difficult to tickle.  Sally writes stuff that masterfully combines two seemingly separate entities, but in such a cohesive, entertaining and insightful way--a way that mesmorizes and intrigues me. You write really emotional, feeling hubs that make me think and feel things I wouldn't feel otherwise, and you can flex the funny bone too.  But, really, both of you, you're so nice and are known as such, and I was thinking that you guys are never included in hubs like this.  I just wanted to include you,  To let you know I was thinking of you. To let you know you're one of the gang.  I would not have bothered if I didn't like you both so much. 

      If either of you are offended, I will remove the page.  I would not do this for anybody else.  I would explain to them as I have explained to you, but no way would I take the page off.  I will though, for you.  That is all.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      If you mean how did I do the hubtivity pages (it's actually two) you are probably better off asking rockinjoe. I'm sure he did his in a much more organized fashion. Mine took me--off oan on--two very frustrating days, but in a nutshell, did this: I got several "print screen" images and then using 4 of them, pieced together 4 of them to make two pages. Then I laid in a seperate "hubtivity filter" box on. Then I wrote the comments, etc., on seperate pages, cropped them, and put them on the top of what was actually written there. In the beginning, I paid attention to whether the hubtivity symbol to the left of the comments was actually correct (so if it was supposed to be a comment, I put a comment there, or if it was a published hub, I put a published hub there. This required sometimes laying in a new slip right there so the symbol would match the subject, but I abondoned this practice as it was too time consuming and really was overcroweding all the stuff I was already putting down. I know that's probably confusing, but that's the best I can explain it without writing a hub about it, and besides, technically, it kind of sucks, so I am hardly the person to teach this sort of thing.

      Hope that answers your question.

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Oops!  my bad.  I'm at Sally's now as I speak. I did go to your hubtivity page as I mentioned, what i failed to do was scroll to the right. We saw 'our' hubtivity and uh, the jury is out on that one.

      Sorry!

      PS:  I am sweet and innocent :)

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      no. no bone pointing from me!

      - build the mocked up hubtivity page....

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      No, but the speed of light part is right.

      They acted at the speed of light to agree with the original poster of the comment.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      ajcor: I'm very glad of it, and happy too you didn't "point the bone" at me. (You didn't, did you?) You ask "how did I do it?" Do what?

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Is the 13 minutes a reference to all those adoring fans who operate at the speed of light maybe?

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Now Christoph exactly where  in "Australia is a fair distance Christoph and your personal safety is the absolute key here" does it say that I wanted you dead - No my catholic guilt does not allow me to even frame thoughts like this - so no - and despite my appearance of  so-called sweet innocence my superstition holds me back from the karma of what you out out you may receive back ten fold....therefore no lists for me - although have to say i was tempted...sssh...there could be some guilt involved here also...

      good hub though - how did you do it?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Trish: It's there. Click the word HERE in blue above near the end of this hub. NOT the link to Joe's hub that says If Hubtivity Told Us Everything. Sally appears at 12 minutes. You appear at 13 minutes (several people are at 13 minutes, which is a joke in itself.)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      She is on there as are you. Sally published a hub (might be a medal) and you are near the end, joining the hub that wants me dead. Look, and you shall see. You are looking at the one that I have linked on this hub, right? It's not the same as rockingjoe's. (I'd better go look and make sure it's still there.)

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Christoph,

      I dared to venture to your mocked-up hubtivity page, and I, along with Sally, do not see her listed there.  All I can say is, I'm glad I'm not, or, perhaps I should be really sad??

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Christoph,

      First, I agree with Sally.  Put the avatar with the hat back.  How the heck will I know if I'm now speaking to the true Christoph Reilly?  If you have to now become consistent with an avatar for business purposes, use the one with the hat.   I would do business with that one in a red hot minute :)

      Remove this imposter avatar that is now residing here.  Who is he?  I just may have to put Rockinjoe to work tracking down the true identity of this imposter.

      Also, I certainly hope and pray that since you are going to become more business-like, that your writings don't become simply informative drivel with not a hint of personality shining through, in other words, boring.  If that happens, I shall spend all eternity in search of the stud with the hat.

      PS:  If you need toilet paper at Sally's, I have plenty to share, plus the Bounty towels if needed for any accidents.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Goldentoad: If I can name them all Bobby I will take them. You're wife too, who I will call Bobbi.

      You wrote Viva Las Vegas on the other hub. Have you been or are you still waiting to go?

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      CR- If you are still paranoid and worried, you may take a choice of any of my killer pets, either one of the dogs, or if you add them both together they might equal one real dog, or you can take my killer rabbit, he is very dangerous around one's legs, he does this death bite and then starts humping away like a little jackhammer. Very dangerous animal. My dream is to eliminate everyone in the household, but its easier to start with the animals, that way when I go to the bathroom, I could just leave the door open and not worry about someone bothering or about needing to go pee and then me pinching one off too soon. I just hate that. Especially the kids, you know how they wait till the last moment anyways and its just absolute panic before they get there.

      But I figure we can help each other out in some ways.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      pgrundy:  I know exactly how you feel about Catholocism and guilt.  I too was raised Catholic, and it took me quite a lot of work to expel the guilt (and I never did get rid of it all.)  It was most difficult for me to deal with women sexually, which could have been life-destroying.  Fortunately, this was the first demon I was able to expell.  Took two years, as I recall, and for that, I thank god!  Ha.

      LondonGirl:  I don't know what "arsed to" means, but I understand the first part and am glad to hear it.  Perhaps I'll restore my previous photo notes, as it was a very funny bit.

      Dear Sally:  Thanks so much for the offer of your shed (and my wife is honored for the offer of the nicer digs inside...with a feather bed, crisp sheets, comfy pillows, indoor plumbing, and homemade tomato soup and fresh baked bread every night.  I'll be fine in the shed and can fix the lock and other things around your home that need fixing.  I do, however, occasionally do number two, and have not yet devised a solution for the delemma.

      Glad you escaped the murder plot, but as your number one fan, I had to pay you tribute.  I hope you noticed your inclusion on the hubtivity page that is linked.

      Now that I am seeking writing work and using my work here in a business way (in spite of the fact that much of my writing is not business-like at all) I have found it necessary to have a unity of avatars, i.e., the same avatar on all the sites.  The cowboy is my personality in a way, but it is no longer me, and I only wish I still looked like that.  I really only grabbed the image when I first signed up and meant to change it fast.  Sorry, I cannot change it.  I will be more than happy to send you an autographed 8x10 however!  Ha!

    • Sally's Trove profile image

      Sherri 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      Christoph, you have no idea how grateful I am that my name was not mentioned in any of rockinjoe's curious (and curiously delightful) works in conjunction with your name and suggested demise.  I may be the only favorite fan of yours whose reputation remains pure as the driven snow, unbesmirched in connection with your having "to go".  You need not doubt my loyalty!

      Say, I do have a nice insulated shed out back.  The door lock needs a little work, but the space is big enough for a comfy army cot, and there's electricity for a small space heater and hot plate.  Although there is no toilet, per se, the compost pile is near by, and it will appreciate your liquid waste, although not the other.  So just in case you are weighing your hideout options, please know you and yours are welcome here (your lovely wife can have my guest bedroom with its single bed and private bath).

      Outstanding Hub!

      PS:  Please restore your cowboy avatar.  I want to be sure I know with whom I am dealing.

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      I never take anything badly. Can't be arsed to.

    • profile image

      pgrundy 8 years ago

      Oh I'm guilty. I was raised CATHOLIC remember? I will always be guilty, no matter what I do or don't do. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa...

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      sixtyorso: Thank you for your invitation to South Africa. Perhaps a several month safari into the bush would be just the thing. I mean, I'm going to be killed by wild animals one way or the other.

      pgrundy: Staying carefully on the edge still, I see. You walk the tight-rope between guilt and innocence. On which side will you fall, if at all? From now on, I'll call you the Great Wallenda.

      LondonGirl: Ahh, my editor, with her big red pen. Drugged, eh? Mind stolen, eh? Actually, I had you lampooned through all the pictures below, but after several hours, I removed the comments, fearing that you would take it poorly, when in fact it was to show...uh...something good, I don't know what.

      Chi Chi: Obviously, my disguise that evening as Swifty the Agent fooled even you. It wasn't me...or him....or something. I learned in Johannesburg to never drink the blue koolaid. Gave me a heck of stomach ache while everyone else napped peacefully.

      Good song. Good song. I began singing it and by the time I finished, I don't know how, but I was wearing my leasure suit and the disco ball was lit and spinning. I haven't used that disco ball in years!

      Kilroy: I'm looking forward to it. One hub in 2 months is not enough for you.

      Shalini: You are becoming drunken on your own blood lust.

      Spryte: Have you met my editor with her big red pen, LondonGirl? You two will get along famously. But I did, in fact, mean to write "bobbytrapped." Many don't realize it, but when cornered, a bobby becomes quite dangerous indeed, like cornered animals, so I duct tape bobbys all over the place: people named bobby; things called bobby; English policemen; bobby pins; bobby soxers; and even Bobby DeNiro. Get too close and....WHAM....you're done for!

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Christoph says..."Duct tape does have many uses. Right now I have my home bobbytrapped, mostly involving duct tape to some degree."

      This caused a disturbing visual. How exactly does one use duct tape and bobbys to create traps? And is this the British form of "bobby" or...people named Bobby...and if the latter, can you substitute with a Robert, Rob, Robby, Roberto, Bob or Roberta and still get the same effect?

      TYVM.

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 8 years ago from India

      Pam - ROFL - Staying Alive!!!! Just the thing for Christoph indeed!