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Rockinjoe Wants Me Dead
"The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter." - Dashiell Hammett
It was a morning like any other. Perhaps I was a little more irritated than usual but I don't remember why, because I look back on the day now and it is like a vague image viewed through a heavy London fog. With my cup of fresh, hot steaming Cuban coffee, I sat at my computer to check my email. Ah, the new issue of the HubPages newsletter had arrived. I opened the mail to find the Hubber of the Week was rockinjoe. Now I like rockinjoe. I think he's funny, smart and clever. Little did I know that reading that little email would send me on a downward spiral into the dark abyss of despair.
At first, the interview picked me up a little. He said some really nice things about me in the interview, and it was an honor that he even knew who I was, much less mentioned me. The kind words were elevating, raising me out of my funk, when I read this caveat: “He has got to go.” What? Go where? There was also this: “That is why I included him in my Celebrity Dead Pool.” Is that a hub? Somehow I had missed it. I was wary, the short hairs on my neck raised in warning, tingling with electricity. I went to the hub and read in amazement. No, it was shock. No, it was horror. Horror and despair. Ok, it was Horror and despair and wretchedness. Oh...Horror, despair, wretchedness, and despondency. Here's the dope: Rockinjoe wanted me dead.
"With the dope I got I think it fills me in pretty well." - Dashiell Hammett
You think I exaggerate? You think I jest? I do not. I have lurked around the misty alleys of HubPages gathering evidence. I have hacked into the HubPages master computer and accessed Top Secret files. Oh, yes, I have undeniable proof which I present to you now. As if this information wasn't enough to rip out my soul, I also learned that my so-called HubPages friends—ha!--thought it was funny. They thought it was hysterical. They were laughing at my imminent demise.
Here is the evidence I uncovered on the hub 2009 Celebrity Dead Pool. First up, a partial list of the 10 people Joe most wants dead. Note my appearance at number six.
4. The Sham-Wow Guy (TV Pitchman)
5. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (President of Iran)
6. Christoph Reilly (US Hubber-Note: He’s funny, articulate and a gifted writer. He has to go!
7. Bill O’ Reilly (Fox News Icon)
"Feed the lettuce to the bunny and eat the bunny." - Dashiell Hammett
Don't be confused by the “funny, articulate and gifted” business. This is subterfuge. If you are planning on murdering somebody, you don't go around publicly bad-mouthing them. No. You go around saying nice things about them. This is akin to running through a stream to throw off the hounds. It doesn't work with hounds and it doesn't work with me.
Well, I was crushed. But my emotional devastation was just beginning. Next came my friends. People I cared about. People I thought cared about me. But NOOOOooooo! Read on MacDuff, the facts are there. The sickening, inarguable facts:
Shirley Anderson says:
That's terrible news about Christoph Reilly! I thought maybe kidnapped, death wasn't even a consideration (honest, officer!).
As far as Cristoph, I believe a slip and fall is in order. Quick and painless. Plus, I'll be a million miles away when it happens.
Shirley Anderson says:
Good planning, you've thought about this! Re Christoph, I assume you intend total HP domination after his demise?
Hi Shirley. Now you know too much. Be careful:)
Oh, my. My Canuck friend, in on the whole plot, which thickens with each new post: Next exhibit, the person doesn't actually join in on the fun, but neither does she warn me of the growing conspiracy. She notes that the plot exists, but then goes on her merry way:
Wow, I'm glad I'm not on the list. Let's see...
She goes on to name the 10 people she wants dead. Mercifully, I am not on her list. Who's up next? Batter up!
Mighty Mom says:
I am devastated at the thought our own Christoph Reilly might not make it through 2009. Please, Pepe -- step away from the bucket! I repeat. Whatever you do, do NOT kick the bucket!
Notice she warns my alter-ego, Pepe, but she does not warn me. Pepe is a character I created. Pepe does not exist. She warned a phantasm...but not the real me. Well, I've got news for you, sweetheart. When I go, Pepe goes with me. Hey! I'm still breathing. Who wants to finish me off?
My family thinks I'm half crazy facing my computer and reading this hub. I laughed at Christoph Reilly on the list. lol hahahahahahha
Oh, yea Sheena, lol hahahahahahaha my dead body! The desire to kill me has spread across the world, even to the Philippines. She seemed so sweet and innocent, but she is a murderous wench. I wasn't finished yet. I gasped for air. Unfortunately, they were not done either. The next was perhaps the biggest blow of all. My dear friend. At first, her response was promising. Ha. False smiles and crocodile tears.
Ok, I am hoping that Christoph Reilly will not die anytime soon, but if he goes I think it will [happen] with an overdose of oxycontin when someone is trying to date rape him.
I sat there...stunned. Silenced. Even gwendymom was going to slip an overdose of oxycontin in my morning coffee. It's like rockinjoe was Charles Manson and these were his mindless followers. Which one was Squeaky Fromme?
Uncovered: Rockinjoe's Stand-up Act
"You've got to look on the bright side, even if there ain't one." - Dashiell Hammet
Blinking back tears, I typed the following:
Ok. I take everything I said on the other hub back. Everyone is getting such a kick out of my pending death (though the slip and fall is a good idea--no one would think twice about it.) What I find truly amazing, is none of my friends (Ha! What a laugh!) told me about this. You'd think one person would say, "Hey, my real and not virtual friend Christoph, you might want to mosey on over to rockinjoe's hub where they are talking about offing you. But nothing. You know, it would be a simple matter to sneak into where you were performing and drop a Fresnel on your head.
Cristoph, is it any wonder why you made The 09' Dead Pool? You come in here using $2 words like "Fresnel" *that I had to look up, by the way) . How embarrassing that was for me. And your Hub friends didn't say anything, because they secretly want you to drop the radio in the bathtub while you're bathing. At least I was honest enough to come out and say it.
The roof might fall in; anything could happen." - Dashiell Hammett
I couldn't breathe. I went outside and sat on the porch, struggling to suck air into my lungs. What was I going to do? Where could I go? But then I had a thought. Don't run, you lilly-livered, quivering, side-show tough guy! Expose them! Show the world their evil plans! I set to work with a renewed vigor. First I scoured HubPages for clues, but was coming up dry. Finally I came across Joe's hub If Hubtivity Told Us Everything. It was funny, hysterical in fact, brilliantly conceived and flawlessly executed. But there was something wrong with it. Something altered. Something hidden.
I went in search of the original document. This required hacking into HubPages computers in San Francisco. I tried getting into the computer using Paul Deeds' account, but his brain was too complex which would be mirrored in his pass code. I tried Maddie Ruud's, entering the code HAWT, but it was no use. I then tried Ryan Hupfer. I entered the code AWESOME. Bingo! I was in. It took hours, but I finally uncovered the original Hubtivity document altered by rockinjoe. I was dumbstruck.
I could not believe my eyes. This was enough evidence to expose them all. This was enough evidence for the FBI to pinch them for Conspiracy to Rub Out a HubPages Author. I have it stored on a secret page, accessible only via the link below. Take a look now while there is time. It will self-destruct in 24 hours.
For the original Hubtivity document cleverly altered by rockinjoe, go HERE, if you dare! What the Hubtivity REALLY said. You've all been exposed!
"It's sometimes better to pretend I don't hear the sound of somebody in the woods with a shotgun." - Dashiell Hammett
So, they are exposed as the murderers they are, but still I cannot rest. Not until each and every one of the depraved are in the Federal pen for life. I'll never forget my first glimpse of this world of horror, when everyone was amused at my impending demise. I imagined them passing bottles of champagne over my corpse. Me. Dead! Oh, how it haunts me.
I haven't slept. I dare not close my eyes. When I do, I dream evil dreams. I dream of a pack of Hubbers with vampire teeth dripping crimson in my closet. I dream of 20 rockingjoe's under my bed with knives, guns, swords, poisons, garrotes, voodoo dolls, and nooses. Oh....the dreams...horrible....horrible dreams.