Summing Up My Life
Having just passed my 60th birthday — and thus having clocked a total of a wee bit over 31,557,603 minutes on planet Earth — I have decided to sum up my life:
7,120,043 minutes: sleeping like a baby (especially when I was one).
876,598 minutes: dreaming — of which 33,441 minutes involved imagined physical contact with a celebrity.
552,257 minutes: nightmaring — of which better than 80% I swear involved a platypus mask, two golden zebras, my mother-in-law, alien anal probes, cackling clowns, a collapsing high-rise, or some combination thereof.
366,699 minutes: snoring.
584,412 minutes: taking midnight bathroom breaks (and it’s becoming more frequent, I tell ya).
438,351 minutes: laying there, staring at the ceiling, for all the usual reasons: bills, kids, parents, auto repairs, medical premiums, that lump on my neck, what I should have said to my boss, what I should have said to my spouse, etc.
171,093 minutes: awake because of that damn neighbor dog that won’t stop yapping, for chrissake!.
47,501 minutes: fluffing the pillow.
136,812 minutes: hitting the snooze alarm.
60,907 minutes: rubbing crud from eyes upon waking.
26,894 minutes: scratching privates.
33,916 minutes: having sex.
29,404.5 minutes: portion of the above having sex with someone else.
9,205 minutes: lighting a candle and/or incense.
76 minutes: having a three-way.
0 minutes: having a three-way that wasn’t pinochle.
118 minutes: gagging on a short curly hair.
1,621,214 minutes: total time spent attending school and university.
53 minutes: how much of it seemed worth it a decade later.
43,817 minutes: sleeping while at school and university.
85,320 minutes: completely lost at school and university.
116,409 minutes: hitting on a classmate at school and university.
72,003 minutes: showing off for said classmate at school and university.
14,214 minutes: cramming for tests at school and university.
167,884 minutes: total time spent eating, drinking, toking, listening to music, trying to learn guitar (Hey, what can I say? it was the ‘60s!) while at school and university.
4,101 minutes: telling jokes.
3,766 minutes: listening to jokes.
987,343 minutes: laughing.
1,428 minutes: crying.
617 minutes: praying.
109 minutes: praying for services to end.
83 minutes: wishing I was dead.
192 minutes: wishing I was alive.
0 minutes: wishing I could paraglide, kick-box, bungee-jump, spelunk, rock climb, skydive, eat insects, listen to Prince.
76,902 minutes: wiping myself.
5,632 minutes: wiping another and/or changing an adult or baby diaper.
11,006 minutes: constipated.
6,430 minutes: diarrhetic.
3,774 minutes: vomiting, so I guess it all kinda evens out.
202 minutes: sniveling.
104,837 minutes: swearing.
21,663 minutes: calling someone names.
30,940 minutes: being called names by someone.
12,999 minutes: sneezing.
983 minutes: texting.
816 minutes: messing up texting.
1,903 minutes: changing lightbulbs.
315 minutes: changing smoke detector batteries.
9,854 minutes: changing the laundry.
488 minutes: changing my underwear.
691 minutes: boogeying.
390 minutes: doing the chicken dance.
389 minutes: regretting it.
1,006 minutes: on a horse.
16,885 minutes: on a bicycle.
233 minutes: on a motorcycle.
16 minutes: on a co-worker.
54,772 minutes: on good behavior.
43,917 minutes: on a tear.
236,804 minutes: showering.
61,449 minutes: bathing.
908 minutes: deciding the hell with it, I’ll just scratch and stink all day.
147,932 minutes: talking on the phone.
9,412 minutes: sales calls.
2,919 minutes: political calls.
7,033 minutes: sales calls and political calls during dinner.
857 minutes: wrong numbers.
2,337,611 minutes: total time spent in eating-related activities, like . . . .
4,812 minutes: explaining to the wait staff what is wrong with my order.
121,594 minutes: eating foods I didn’t like.
63,007 minutes: pushing suspect food around the host’s/hostess’ fine china for near a half hour, hoping they won’t notice.
612,413 minutes: sitting through ‘Grace’ — or at least it seemed like it, anyway.
27,461 minutes: sitting in drive-thrus.
5,224 minutes: seeing how many potato chips I can stuff into my cheeks unbroken.
143 minutes: apologizing to various grandparents, aunts and/or uncles for the above stunt.
17,206 minutes: belching.
1,312 minutes: winning at the neighborhood belching competition.
12,644 minutes: on a diet.
12,658 minutes: rebounding from a diet.
402,191 minutes: drinking water.
62,013 minutes: drinking wine.
54,670 minutes: drinking cheap wine.
21,808 minutes: drinking cocktails or beer.
773 minutes: drinking alone.
6,938 minutes: being drunk.
11,212 minutes: being flatulent.
18,444 minutes: being interesting.
5,478,613 minutes: total time spent ‘gainfully’ employed.
5,422,005 minutes: amount of that time underpaid.
2,683,339 minutes: working for an idiot.
1,029,911 minutes: working for an a**.
55,260 minutes: daydreaming.
404,022 minutes: surfing kitten pictures, wack videos, games, porn, memes, shopping sites.
582,774 minutes: wondering why I bother.
6,392 minutes: leaving that clown of a client on hold.
226,524 minutes: hoping they won’t fire me.
7,840 minutes: photocopying my résumé on the company copier.
29,413 minutes: sitting in cineplexes.
4,608 minutes: really annoyed at that loudmouth 3 rows back that can’t seem to shut up!
114 minutes: precious minutes of my life that I’ll never get back from ‘Dinner for Schmucks’.
10,307 minutes: bowling.
3,152 minutes: making excuses for missed spares and gutter balls.
105 minutes: sitting through an opera, and that’s it! — never again, I mean it!.
97 minutes: a horrid romantic comedy stage musical — ditto!.
1,976,829 minutes: watching television.
51,504 minutes: watching good television.
4,446 minutes: watching the entire Bourne trilogy 13 times over, because, after all, there’s nothing better on the tube most nights anyway.
74 minutes: reading a good book.
39,654 minutes: reading trashy books and popular magazines.
168 minutes: trying to play a real guitar.
212,809 minutes: playing air guitar.
605,976 minutes: on vacation.
111,352 minutes: flying, driving, busing, ferrying, hiking, etc. to get to vacation.
72,014 minutes: vacation time spent wishing I had called the whole thing off (see also ‘diarrhetic’ above).
1,648,015 minutes: behind the wheel of various vans, cars, trucks, golf carts, big wheels, etc.
371,883 minutes: being held up by that damn snail in front of me!.
27,046 minutes: sweating as I coast past a highway patrolman.
26,448 minutes: speeding up, to make up the lost time.
9,804 minutes: sitting on off-ramps.
3,788 minutes: sitting on on-ramps.
44,901 minutes: sitting at red lights.
68,373 minutes: singing along to Van Halen, windows down.
4 minutes: what I would change, if I could.
0: chance that these figures will total correctly, because, hey! I’m now over 60 years old — who can remember everything?, and, besides, I last used algebra over 37 years ago.
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