ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Summing Up My Life

Updated on January 17, 2014

Having just passed my 60th birthday — and thus having clocked a total of a wee bit over 31,557,603 minutes on planet Earth — I have decided to sum up my life:

7,120,043 minutes: sleeping like a baby (especially when I was one).

876,598 minutes: dreaming — of which 33,441 minutes involved imagined physical contact with a celebrity.

552,257 minutes: nightmaring — of which better than 80% I swear involved a platypus mask, two golden zebras, my mother-in-law, alien anal probes, cackling clowns, a collapsing high-rise, or some combination thereof.

366,699 minutes: snoring.

584,412 minutes: taking midnight bathroom breaks (and it’s becoming more frequent, I tell ya).

438,351 minutes: laying there, staring at the ceiling, for all the usual reasons: bills, kids, parents, auto repairs, medical premiums, that lump on my neck, what I should have said to my boss, what I should have said to my spouse, etc.

171,093 minutes: awake because of that damn neighbor dog that won’t stop yapping, for chrissake!.

47,501 minutes: fluffing the pillow.

136,812 minutes: hitting the snooze alarm.

60,907 minutes: rubbing crud from eyes upon waking.

26,894 minutes: scratching privates.

33,916 minutes: having sex.

29,404.5 minutes: portion of the above having sex with someone else.

9,205 minutes: lighting a candle and/or incense.

76 minutes: having a three-way.

0 minutes: having a three-way that wasn’t pinochle.

118 minutes: gagging on a short curly hair.

1,621,214 minutes: total time spent attending school and university.

53 minutes: how much of it seemed worth it a decade later.

43,817 minutes: sleeping while at school and university.

85,320 minutes: completely lost at school and university.

116,409 minutes: hitting on a classmate at school and university.

72,003 minutes: showing off for said classmate at school and university.

14,214 minutes: cramming for tests at school and university.

167,884 minutes: total time spent eating, drinking, toking, listening to music, trying to learn guitar (Hey, what can I say? it was the ‘60s!) while at school and university.

4,101 minutes: telling jokes.

3,766 minutes: listening to jokes.

987,343 minutes: laughing.

1,428 minutes: crying.

617 minutes: praying.

109 minutes: praying for services to end.

83 minutes: wishing I was dead.

192 minutes: wishing I was alive.

0 minutes: wishing I could paraglide, kick-box, bungee-jump, spelunk, rock climb, skydive, eat insects, listen to Prince.

76,902 minutes: wiping myself.

5,632 minutes: wiping another and/or changing an adult or baby diaper.

11,006 minutes: constipated.

6,430 minutes: diarrhetic.

3,774 minutes: vomiting, so I guess it all kinda evens out.

202 minutes: sniveling.

104,837 minutes: swearing.

21,663 minutes: calling someone names.

30,940 minutes: being called names by someone.

12,999 minutes: sneezing.

983 minutes: texting.

816 minutes: messing up texting.

1,903 minutes: changing lightbulbs.

315 minutes: changing smoke detector batteries.

9,854 minutes: changing the laundry.

488 minutes: changing my underwear.

691 minutes: boogeying.

390 minutes: doing the chicken dance.

389 minutes: regretting it.

1,006 minutes: on a horse.

16,885 minutes: on a bicycle.

233 minutes: on a motorcycle.

16 minutes: on a co-worker.

54,772 minutes: on good behavior.

43,917 minutes: on a tear.

236,804 minutes: showering.

61,449 minutes: bathing.

908 minutes: deciding the hell with it, I’ll just scratch and stink all day.

147,932 minutes: talking on the phone.

9,412 minutes: sales calls.

2,919 minutes: political calls.

7,033 minutes: sales calls and political calls during dinner.

857 minutes: wrong numbers.

2,337,611 minutes: total time spent in eating-related activities, like . . . .

4,812 minutes: explaining to the wait staff what is wrong with my order.

121,594 minutes: eating foods I didn’t like.

63,007 minutes: pushing suspect food around the host’s/hostess’ fine china for near a half hour, hoping they won’t notice.

612,413 minutes: sitting through ‘Grace’ — or at least it seemed like it, anyway.

27,461 minutes: sitting in drive-thrus.

5,224 minutes: seeing how many potato chips I can stuff into my cheeks unbroken.

143 minutes: apologizing to various grandparents, aunts and/or uncles for the above stunt.

17,206 minutes: belching.

1,312 minutes: winning at the neighborhood belching competition.

12,644 minutes: on a diet.

12,658 minutes: rebounding from a diet.

402,191 minutes: drinking water.

62,013 minutes: drinking wine.

54,670 minutes: drinking cheap wine.

21,808 minutes: drinking cocktails or beer.

773 minutes: drinking alone.

6,938 minutes: being drunk.

11,212 minutes: being flatulent.

18,444 minutes: being interesting.

5,478,613 minutes: total time spent ‘gainfully’ employed.

5,422,005 minutes: amount of that time underpaid.

2,683,339 minutes: working for an idiot.

1,029,911 minutes: working for an a**.

55,260 minutes: daydreaming.

404,022 minutes: surfing kitten pictures, wack videos, games, porn, memes, shopping sites.

582,774 minutes: wondering why I bother.

6,392 minutes: leaving that clown of a client on hold.

226,524 minutes: hoping they won’t fire me.

7,840 minutes: photocopying my résumé on the company copier.

29,413 minutes: sitting in cineplexes.

4,608 minutes: really annoyed at that loudmouth 3 rows back that can’t seem to shut up!

114 minutes: precious minutes of my life that I’ll never get back from ‘Dinner for Schmucks’.

10,307 minutes: bowling.

3,152 minutes: making excuses for missed spares and gutter balls.

105 minutes: sitting through an opera, and that’s it! — never again, I mean it!.

97 minutes: a horrid romantic comedy stage musical — ditto!.

1,976,829 minutes: watching television.

51,504 minutes: watching good television.

4,446 minutes: watching the entire Bourne trilogy 13 times over, because, after all, there’s nothing better on the tube most nights anyway.

74 minutes: reading a good book.

39,654 minutes: reading trashy books and popular magazines.

168 minutes: trying to play a real guitar.

212,809 minutes: playing air guitar.

605,976 minutes: on vacation.

111,352 minutes: flying, driving, busing, ferrying, hiking, etc. to get to vacation.

72,014 minutes: vacation time spent wishing I had called the whole thing off (see also ‘diarrhetic’ above).

1,648,015 minutes: behind the wheel of various vans, cars, trucks, golf carts, big wheels, etc.

371,883 minutes: being held up by that damn snail in front of me!.

27,046 minutes: sweating as I coast past a highway patrolman.

26,448 minutes: speeding up, to make up the lost time.

9,804 minutes: sitting on off-ramps.

3,788 minutes: sitting on on-ramps.

44,901 minutes: sitting at red lights.

68,373 minutes: singing along to Van Halen, windows down.

4 minutes: what I would change, if I could.

0: chance that these figures will total correctly, because, hey! I’m now over 60 years old — who can remember everything?, and, besides, I last used algebra over 37 years ago.

retirement village:
Retirement Village, South Bowenfels NSW 2790, Australia

get directions

Even retirees get the blues
Even retirees get the blues | Source


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, torrilynn. Though there's some slight fictionalization (for dramatic & humorous purposes) it's mostly spot on. Watch for an expanded version of it soon.

    • torrilynn profile image


      5 years ago


      I like how you give a really

      Nice description of your life and how you feel about it overall thanks for the story.

      Voted up.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)