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What if Women Ruled the World? : The Battle of all Mothers

Updated on August 8, 2013

What if Women Ruled the World? : The Battle of all Mothers

There is a time-honoured saying that ‘Mother's knows best’ not only about mothering you know, but about everything.

Well that's what they say don't they?

But if it were true then shouldn't we put the mothers of the World in charge of everything?

English comedienne Victoria Wood pondered on this many years ago. I think she ventured that instead of sending troops into battle more female politicians would just criticise each others dress sense or cake recipes. And she said this without a hint of patronisation.

But politicians treat us like children anyway, that's when they're not treating us like idiots, so maybe not a bad idea after all. I think she would make a great Queen Victoria II, we are all very amused.

Of course considering our experiences with the likes of Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir and Maggie Thatcher, not too mention Queen Boadicea and Catherine the Great, that’s probably unrealistic.

Female politicians are a bit more ruthless than merely squabbling down at the local church coffee morning. Who knows how things would've turned out if Hillary Clinton had got the Democrat nomination. But maybe the ideal would be somewhere in between the two extremes.

Look at the Iraq War for example, that could easily have been avoided by two irate women screaming at each other over the garden fence:

Mrs Bush: "You're hiding something in that shed over there, I know you are. What’re ya up to?”"

Mrs Saddam: "Don't threaten me lady. You just think you're a big shot round here, don't ya!!"

Mrs Bush: "Don't gimme that!!, you're bringing this neighbourhood down, why don't ya move somewhere else?"

Mrs Saddam: "You gonna move me then?"

Mrs Bush: "Hell yeah!, I'll come over there and bust your ass honey!"

Mrs Saddam: "You and whose army bitch?"

Mrs Bush: “Don’t you misunderestimate me!!”

Mrs Rumsfeld: “And don’t you talk to my pal like that or I’ll kick your butt”

Mrs Saddam: “Ohh!! Listen to that backstabber, and to think you used to be a friend of mine”

Mrs Rumsfeld: “Don’t kid yourself, I never liked you anyway”

Mrs Saddam: “Okay dokay, you both want a piece of the action then?”

Mrs Bush: “Bring it on!!”

This bitter confrontation continued over several episodes for many weeks until the local Mediation Officer Mrs Annan from the Municipal Housing Team was summoned. Coincidentally she called around just as another fight had broken out:

Mrs Saddam: “Get your kids away from my friggin fence, they’re not coming into my garden”

Mrs Bush: “If you don’t tell us what’s in that shed, I’ll do more than that missus!”

Mrs Saddam: “You’ll do nothing. I’m sick of them kicking their footballs in here, annoying my rabbits and chucking crap at the windows”

Mrs Ahmedinejad: “You tell her sister” shouts the woman from next door.

Mrs Cheney: “You keep outa this lady or you’ll be next”

Mrs Saddam: “What’s it got to do with you?”

Mrs Cheney: “I just won’t have you talking to my girlfriend like that”

Mrs Saddam: “Well, I’m speaking to the monkey not the organ grinder”

Mrs Ahmedinejad: “Yeah, couple of carpet-munchers complaining about bringing down the neighbourhood, that’s rich?”

Mrs Cheney: “Look!, I’ve already warned you once”

Mrs Saddam: Oh yeah, we can see who wears the trousers in your house,

It seemed that matters where getting a little out of hand and the Mediation Officer felt it was time to intervene. He had his work cut out but he was determined that peace negotiations should commence at once:

Mrs Annan: “Ladies, ladies, so much noise, you’re upsetting the whole street. Come on now, we all need to get together and settle this amicably”

Mrs Rumsfeld: “What’s it got to do with you asshole? You keep outa this”

Mrs Annan: “Now, Now! You know I have the ultimate authority around here in these matters”

Mrs Cheney: “Don’t bet on it girl"

Mrs Annan: “C’mon, let’s calm down and talk about this, we all need to live together. This simply can’t go on”

Mrs Bush: “Well she started all this aggravation, my mother warned me about her”

Mrs Saddam: “You’re mother was a woos”

Mrs Bush: “Really!! Well she sure kicked your ass”

Mrs Saddam: “Excuse me!! I’m still here, your stupid mother got herself evicted”

Mrs Annan: “We’re not talking about evictions here people, but that is a moot point, you all know this can lead nowhere and will all ultimately end in tears”

After an anguished spell of accusation and counter-accusation, of threats and counter-threats the housewives all calm down eventually. Shuffling their feet and looking sheepishly at each other they begin to talk civily for once:

Mrs Bush: “Hell, I dunno, maybe I got things wrong after all”

Mrs Annan: “Thank you, that’s much better, now, does everyone else feel the same way”

Mrs Rumsfeld: “Yeah, why not, life’s too short”

Mrs Ahmedinejad: “Anything to get them off my back”

Mrs Cheney: “I’ll get back to you on that one honey” as she slinked away muttering to herself "There's more than one way to skin a cat" and disappeared to the cellar down below.

But Mrs Saddam was also placated and offered a hand of friendship to Mrs Bush while thanking Mrs Annan for intervening in the dispute.

Mrs Saddam: “I’m so glad you came Mrs Annan, it really was rather silly, all this nonsense. Why don’t you all come over to my conservatory in a renewed spirit of friendship. I have a couple of bottles of fine wine we can all share”

Mrs Bush: “It ain’t that French shit is it?”



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    • MPG Narratives profile image

      Marie Giunta 7 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Very funny Shinkicker. We have a female prime minister now, Ms Gillard. I'm sure she would have used a few choice words if she had been part of this conversation.

    • Shinkicker profile image

      Shinkicker 7 years ago from Scotland

      Thanks Itfawkes

      Glad you enjoyed it

    • ltfawkes profile image

      ltfawkes 7 years ago from NE Ohio

      Great hub, Shinkicker. Lots of very clever language, like:

      Mrs Saddam: “Get your kids away from my friggin fence, they’re not coming into my garden”

      Funny and thought-provoking.

    • Shinkicker profile image

      Shinkicker 7 years ago from Scotland

      Hi Schoolgirl

      Wise indeed :-) Thanks for commenting. I love George Carlin too.

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 7 years ago

      Interesting point about women. I love that you mentioned Catherine the Great, I belive she was a saint- they are pretty wise you know! :) lol

      Hey, I love George Carlin, I saw it for sale. Boy I need a copy of him at my home. For laughs, man was he the best. Thanks for the amusing hub!

    • Shinkicker profile image

      Shinkicker 7 years ago from Scotland

      Well, you never know Jean. It could divide the audience you know :-)

    • profile image

      Jean 7 years ago

      Stevie, How could anything this funny put off anyone?