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The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 7

Updated on March 22, 2013

To start at the beginning of our tale, click here and wind your way back down the Yellow Brick Road

The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 7

The triumphant return to the Paradise City and a romantic reconciliation.

The 4 X 4 arrived at the city gates and Zak tooted the horn. The guard opened the door-hatch again,

"Who's blowing that horn at this bloody time?"

Zakk leaned out of the window and gave him an evil smile.

Tthe gate flew open and as they drove through, the guard saluted with his right hand and with a door-key scratched the paintwork with his left.

Life is full of small victories for the common man.

They drove past a scene of destruction on the the way to the festival site. There had been a pre-gig riot. An incident at the Ooompa-Looompa stall between the owners and the Van Halen roadcrew had escalated then spread to the campsite and the area around the arena.

With a cry of "Gerrintaethumm!!", Angus and Sandy left the car eager to join in.
"Haw Hohhh!!!! C'mon then ya bampots" they joyfully cried as they entered the fray.

" Hell! Things are gettin real crazy" Zakk observed as they drove into the arena and got out the car.

"Ozzy!!!" he shouted, "We're back!"
Bob busied himself re-assembling C3PO, "Shoite! Where does this bit go?" he asked himself,

The screens flickered into life and the huge green face appeared again but this time bearing an ecstatic grin.

"Sharon! Yow've come back! I've missed you girl, missed yow so bad. I'm so happy. This is the best present I could ever ask for. But we can't hang about now love, we need to get this mess sorted pronto-like, ya gotta help me fix this festival. That Axl Rose is a pain in the nuts so he is and now mistake and we just heard that plonker Dickinson's landed his plane at Panama City!"

"No problem Ozzy" Sharon replied, "But gimme a huge big hug first, where are you?"
"No time for that Sharon, yow gotta get working right away" said Ozzy,
"Don't you start me, I'm you're bloody wife" Sharon yelled,

"They make a perfect couple" said Amy dryly.

Behind them R2 was nosing around at the mixing tower and slipped inside a curtained entrance,

"Yeah!" Zakk shouted at the screen "Your good lady here needs some attention pal"
"Phhheeeeooooooowwwwww!!!!, shrieked R2D2
"Is he back there?" asked Sharon as she turned and headed for the tower. The others followed behind,


Zakk stopped and turned around, "Hey man, take it easy dude, let's git together, drop a coupla cool ones and chew us some fat"


Sharon pulled back the curtain and shouted through, "Ozzy?" She looked inside, but what she saw wasn't her estranged husband but another man. She instantly recognised his painted features and his strange dark medieval garb of long flowing robes and demonic jewellery.


But Sharon saw the strangers lips move in synch with the sound as he spoke into a microphone at the mixing desk,
"Hey you!, What's going on here?" she demanded to know,
The stranger turned around and revealed himself, as his clothing was very loose. It was none other than the master of the modern Gothic masses himself, Ronnie James Dio.

Meanwhile Bob busied himself trying to re-assemble C3PO. "The shin bone's connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone's connected to........."

"What are you doing here?" Sharon shouted at Ronnie,
"OK! OK! Don't give me a hard time will you" said Ronnie.

"I haven't even started yet buster!" shouted Sharon

"Alright, OK! There's no point kiddin anymore" said Ronnie, "It's a set-up and we didn't want you to find out, didn't want you to get hurt. The fact is Ozzy's in rehab again and Harvey Goldsmith had to keep the festival going. So! the Sabbath guys asked me to step in.”

Zakk had heard all this through the PA system and appeared at the entrance,
"What the hell is goin on here?" he asked
"A bloody side-show, that's what" replied Sharon, "They brought in Ronnie Dio ...again!!.

"Zakk looked him over,

"No way dudes, that ain't never Ronnie Dio. If it is then I'm Danny de Vito on a skateboard, this guy is way too fat and way too tall"

"Hey! What you talkin about man" said Ronnie, "Don't you recognise me Zakk?"

"Well, you're face sure looks like him" conceded Zakk, "Problem is, it's too far off the ground to be his"

Zakk grabbed him by the collar and demanded "What the hell is going on?"

Dio pulled back and a struggle ensued as both men grappled with each other. Dio fell forwards and grabbed Zakk’s hair to break his fall,
"Owww!!" leggo ya goddam Goth imposter sonofabitch!!" Zakk screamed.

But astonishingly, as he grabbed Ronnie's hair, the singer's face started to peel away, "I told ya, I told ya! Look! This guy’s wearing a mask" exclaimed Zakk,"What've ya done with Ozzy?"

The masked stranger pulled away again and fell backwards, his back arching as he tried to regain his stance. Then his back arched some more, and then even more until incredibly, he started to come apart in the middle.

"Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!! screamed Amy, "His body has halved in two!!"

At this point Bob and C3 turned up and witnessed this grotesque sight. Bob threw up almost a bottle of Glenfiddich and C3PO fainted, an historic first for an android. The rest stood there stunned at this hideous occurence that had happened right in front of their own eyes. They were even more astounded when both halves of 'Ronnie' rose from the floor and stood on little legs.

"Oi'll never drink whisky again" said Bob with his eyes boggling, "It's like that film 'The Ting'"

But Sharon was the quickest to realise and react.


"Excuse me?" asked a startled Zakk,

"I don't believe it!" said Sharon, "Hobbits!, A pair of bleedin Hobbits, you certainly dropped a coupla cool ones there Zakk"
"Hobbits?" said Amy, "What? Are you two guys from Munchkinland?"
"Yes" said the top half of 'Ronnie',
"And who the bloody hell are you" Sharon enquired, "And just what is this mischief you're up to?"

The two Hobbits stood in awkward silence, looked at each other and replied,
"My name is Frodo Baggins" said the top half,
"And I'm Samwise Gamgee" said the bottom.
"Frodo and Sam, they told us about you two" said Amy "Heard you were close, but this is ridiculous"
"That's all idle Munchkin gossip!!" said Frodo angrily,

"Wow, Man!! This is turning out to be some helluva party" said Zakk, "But I don't know why it took two of ya, Ronnie ain’t that tall. One of you guys on stilts would've been enough to make the goddam height limit"

"Well! All I can say is I'm glad it's all over" said Sam relieved, "I tell you it's no fun going around all day being Ronnie James Dio’s arse.

"So why did Goldsmith go through all this rigmarole with you two midgets? Couldn't he have at least got someone human of the right size? Amy asked,
"Frodo was the only one who could carry off the accents" Sam explained, "Go on Master Frodo, do your Axl Rose on that gas again"

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to butt in here", asked Sharon in an exasperated voice, "But where's Ozzy?" ,

"Oh! He got discharged", said Frodo "He's over in the Medical Tent drying out",

"Hell! What we all waitin for then" said Zakk, "Let's git over there"

Zakk gave C3PO a jump-start from the car battery and they all trooped over to the tent,

"Thank you very much Master Zakk" said C3, "But I must say I still don't feel quite my old self yet",

Bob held on tight to his jacket to stop the spare parts jingling in his pockets, "Oi'll work out later where them bits are supposed to go" he thought to himself.

They found Ozzy sitting upright in his bed watching the Discovery Channel and eating chicken nuggets. The pretty, well-endowed nurse on the edge of the bed stood bolt upright and found herself something to do elsewhere.

"SHARRRONNNNNN!! he cried, "Yow've come back!!"
"That's right and just in time by the looks of things" she replied, "But yes! I'm coming back home" she added as she gave him a hug,
"I see yow've found out about me 'obbits" said Ozzy,
"Yeah! What a performance" Sharon replied, "And let me introduce some people..."
"That's Owkay" interrupted Ozzy, "'Arvey told me all about 'em"
"Harvey Goldsmith?" said Bob,
"Well of course 'Arvey bleedin Goldsmith!!, who did yow think I was talkin about? A giant fookin white rabbit?"

"So!! Whaddya say bro, can you help these dudes?" asked Zakk, "You promised ma man"
"Yeah I know" agreed Ozzy,"A promise is a promise"

"So? How about it?" asked Zakk,

"Well it'll need to be quick" said Ozzy, "I gotta rehearse for the gig tomorrah"

"So can you help us or not then?" asked Bob

"I suppose I can help Goldie here" Ozzy replied, "I could do with someone around the place. Can yow cook?"
C3PO confirmed "Most assuredly Sir. You'll find my culinary skills of the highest order. I am programmed for all delicacies from the Orient to the Mediterranean and....."
"Ozzy interrupted "As long as yow can fry us some decent chips I don't care"

"Certainly Sir" nodded C3PO, "And may I say that I am also specialised in communication and translation"
"Well if yow can understand our bloody kids, your a fookin genius mate"

"Wharrabout yow Geldof?" he asked "How am I gonna help the starvin then?"

Bob explained,

"We needs your profile as a Head of State and popular celebrity to try and convince World leaders and opinion formers to change the system. We needs the World economy to be restructured and reconstituted to a fairer more equitable mechanism for distributing wealth, resources and technology. For too long the Nort' has exercised hegemony and exploitation of the Sout'. With your power and your influence we can face the might of the G8, the multi-nationals and the hidden forces of politics and big business"

"Bloody Hell!! Couldn't we just put on another charity gig?" asked a dismayed Ozzy , "Jeez! I'll dow what I can" he promised,

"And what about me?" asked Amy expectantly,
"I was afraid yow might ask that" replied Ozzy, "I'm kinda stuck on how to help yow"

"But I only want to get back to Camden!" she pleaded,
"Whadya wanna gow back there for, it's a shit'ole so it is, why don't yow stay 'ere with us"

"NO! NO! I wanna go home!!" protested Amy , I wanna go back, there's no place like home, there's no place like home!"



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