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The Wonderful Wizard of Reno...Part 5

Updated on November 13, 2012

You Deserve an Update...

I should like to begin by thanking everyone for reading, commenting, enjoying, and contributing to this literary pursuit. As I mentioned...Your shoes and car keys will be returned following the conclusion of this tale.

Towards that end...numerous outstanding ideas...from you the readers...have led this story to expand beyond my initial four, five, or six part series. I believe it will be an eight part series.

(Waits for the groans and moans to subside...)

(...Waits some more...)

There we go.

That said...if you are Joining our Tale now...Please take off your shoes and put your car keys in the basket on the table.

After that...CLICK HERE.

I Hope You Enjoy.


A Sex Dream to Dwarf Other Sex Dreams...

Dorothy, Cowardly Lion, Alastar, Tin man, and I follow the path indicated by Fork. We moved in single file along a narrow trail. Scarecrow follows a couple hundred feet back.

His progress is hindered by efforts to adjust his straw following the ravages of our search for the Ruby Slippers.

“Are you two thinking what I’m thinking?” I ask Kelly and Alastar.

Our single-file status causes me to miss the looks of horror that passes across their faces.

“I sure hope not.” Alastar says under his breath.

Kelly keeps her own council. The set of her shoulders, however, suggests that, she too, is burdened by this possibility.

“Oh.” I say...a little disappointed. “Well, remind me that I need to pick up four-pounds of a ‘fatty-type’ of meat once we find a store somewhere?”

Kelly’s shoulders slump. She exchanges a rueful look with Alastar who looks, equally, uncomfortable. I pick up on the non-verbal clues.

“So, you WERE thinking what I was thinking??” I ask excited. At their, begrudging, acknowledgement I do the math...

“So we need twelve-pounds of a ‘fatty-type’ of meat?”

“Yeah. Uh-huh.” They both agree dispiritedly.


As we moved through the woods, others add to the shopping list: WD-40 for Tin Man, pack of smokes for Cowardly Lion. We could all use some sodas and what not. Scarecrow makes several suggestions which are summarily ignored.

We were traveling through a wild land...

We come across a wide river. An Eskimo woman crouches down and gives birth in the snow on a small iceberg which silently floats past us. The afterbirth stains the snow as the sun flashes brightly against the ice.

Three Emperor penguins stand guard over the proceedings as we watch them drift with the current. One of the penguins plays a haunting melody on a flute...

Kelly falls into the river and after pulling her out, I’m forced to admit...

“You know,” I say surprised, “For a wet tourist, you don’t smell bad at all...?”

“Who the fuck said I did?” She retorts angrily, “I will straight give them bitches some stitches.”

Recalling how handy she was with a tazer, I mumbled something about reading it somewhere...

We continue the journey...

Our trail turns and twists and turns back in upon itself. I’m not going to’s a cluster fuck. When it wasn’t was narrowing...when not was just doing other fucked up shit. The road sucked.

On the plus side? No dismembered dogs...


Oh no...Screw Midgets...Go back To the Sex Dream Thing...

Having been led astray by Fork (in the concluding scenes of Part 4) we found ourselves in a tight spot now, in the beginnings of Part 5.

What the fuck Fork?

“You know?” I comment. “I thinks Fork, stuck it to us, by saying to go this way...clearly...we ain’t getting to Emerald City this way. Right? Is it me?”

I broached the subject as a vine was growing carnal with my left thigh. The tangled underbrush was feeling frisky. An unknown flora and fauna thing, with red flowers, had it hard for my flip-flops.

Tin man is using his ax to hew a path into the hinterland. He stops his labors to, breathlessly, say, “Still...I like the lack of dead dogs.” Before continuing his efforts...

“Right, Right...” The group agrees. Nobody likes a dead dog.

Speaking of dead dogs? The political career of Sarah Palin and any notions of Sharron Angle’s sanity.

Flying high above us were the winged-illegitimate offspring of Bristol Palin...

They can hardly be blamed. Theirs was a dysfunctional upbringing. I won’t even repeat the rumors. After all...I started most of them. Those seeds were planted long ago. The winged-illegitimate offspring of Bristol Palin were well-suited for their role in this phase of Operation Freak-Out.

They were to administer a sleeping potion. Little more. It was a concoction they were used to and comfortable with. Their mother (sister?) would use it on them when trolling the local bars of Wasilla, Alaska, in search of men, for indiscriminant sex...

The potion settled in on us slowly and the effects were at first...gradual. A yawn here...a passed out Cowardly Lion there...these were the signs of trouble...

My role as narrator becomes difficult. I have fallen asleep. I had fallen in to the most wonderful dream I would ever remember...

We were in a bed room that was far more bed than room. Flickering candles contribute the only light source which dances in the mirrors before being reflected back onto the bed. Betty, The Smoking-Hot, Good Witch of my Imagination, reclines upon an impressive array of pillows.

Her dark hair fans out across the pillows, creating a halo effect, which proves very complimentary to my opinions of her, as an angel...

To say that she looked like the cat's pajamas would suggest that the cat sleeps in the nude. She was wearing two toe rings and a smile. Oh my God. She beckons me towards her...

As my body moves towards the bed, my testicles take a few steps back into my butt cheeks so that they can have some running room to jump into this one...

First contact occurred when my hand cups the back of her leg, just above the ankle. It glides north along alabaster skin, over her calf; before changing its mind and its direction...begin with her's best to be thorough. Remember to breathe...

Toes, ankles, calves, knees, and creamy white thighs duly attended to...Betty arches her back while spreading her legs. A tender pink part is revealed as I dip my head....

“Dude? awake?” Betty's legs begin to close.... “Hey man...?”

I fight this intrusion (at the cellular level) as I grasp for Betty's hand...she slowly disappears...

I open my eyes. Scarecrow. I close them again. Open them. Scarecrow...


Dwarf, I Guess. Dwarves if You Want...I Don’t Fucking Care...

The effects of the sleeping powder had had little impact on his scarred and battered pleasure receptors. Chemically speaking, it takes a lot to give a committed tweaker a good push one way or the other.

He was on the backside of a bad come down. His life-style choices and the travails of the journey had taken their collective toll. He was in desperate need of a cigarette, ten-dollars, or a car-battery to sell. He had taken a knee and was trying to get my attention to get, I assume, a cigarette, ten-dollars, or a car-battery to sell.

After fucking up my awesome dream...I chose to commiserate with him. By commiserate, of course, I mean conflagrate. I take out my lighter and set fire to Scarecrow’s left knee...He rolls away screaming in agony.

I don’t like camping and, at that moment, I was not a happy camper. Although, the tent I was pitching, as a result of that awesome dream, I mentioned, would suggest otherwise...I was unhappy...

Scarecrow's agonized screams wake the others...all but Alastar. Alastar apparently sleep-walks and had gotten himself off into the woods.

Kelly, a registered Polysomnographic Sleep Technologist, with a love for the science of sleep, goes after him. She finds him, wakes him, and they get lost together in the woods for awhile. They eventually come back and Alastar appears pleased with himself...

Meanwhile, I was frustrated. Taking the single-serve, snack-pack of butterscotch pudding, I had been given by Betty and, had been clutching since the beginning of Part three, I stalked off into the woods muttering. I needed some alone time with my pudding.

Something had to give...

Creative Voice wryly notes between yawns, “You know? If you’re off to get morning seem to already have some there.” He finishes with a chuckle...

“Fuck off!” I call over my shoulder...



The single-serve, snack-pack of butterscotch pudding didn’t cut it. I was licking the lid when I saw the message...rather...half a message... ...vel....Legacy...

...Co...rol...the Hob... (st...p)

Your...Sun...have the de... swirl...Vortex as... (stop)

It occurred to me that the other half of the message was sitting on my tongue. It was important that my tongue not get wet and ruin the message. A difficult proposition. Tongues are, by their nature, wet and sloppy creatures...

I think of Sponge...

Clutching my empty pudding container, with the cryptic lid, I run back to the group with my tongue lolling out and slapping against my cheeks and chin...

I stop in front of Kelly as my tongue wags about self -importantly. I attempt to communicate the problem to her...

“ SPLUT! Iff..FORMP...thay??” I convey...

Kelly pulls out her tazer and gives it to me in the chest. I collapse in a jellied heap while dropping my emptied, (formally) clutched, (now) crushed, single-serve, snack-pack of butterscotch pudding to the ground.

Far off in the distance...the Munchkins let loose with a ragged cheer...


As I lay there, twitching from the affections of Kelly’s tazer, my tongue remained out (nicely) air drying and telling the story...

“Sorry.” Says a sheepish Kelly when I regain consciousness. Everyone was gathered around me. Alastar still appears pleased with himself...

“ SPLUT! Iff..FORMP...thay??” I begin to convey...

Kelly stops me. “Don’t worry! We figured it had half a message on your tongue. You can put your tongue back in your mouth...we have the whole message. Please...put your tongue back in your mouth.”

I put my tongue back in my mouth and use it to ask...

“What does it say??”

The message read, in its entirety...

Midnight on the mezzanine level of Silver Legacy. (stop)

The Midgets are in Control. Fear the Hobbits. (stop)

Your Contact is Agent Sun Fish. She will have the details. (stop)

Remember to swirl. Remember to vortex as needed. (stop)

Remember to swirl? Remember to vortex as needed? I looked down at the forest was as cluttered and gaudy as any casino carpet. I apply the skills that Toto had taught me in Part one. A door opens and a set of stairs is revealed leading downward...

Things were starting to get weird...


So...It Wasn’t ‘Fear The Dwarf’...Hobbits? WTF...?

Back in Reno. (sigh).

We found ourselves in the subterranean bowels of the city. It was a mirror view of the town above but, of course, different.

Alastar, Kelly, and Cowardly Lion were sent off to the pawn shops of Reno in search of the Ruby Slippers.

Scarecrow wanders off to an auto shop, which he knows about, that keeps unused car-batteries on a pallet out back. Internal CD Player and myself went in search of our contact...Agent Sun Fish...

We had a couple hours to kill until midnight. We decide to catch a show...

Snow White on Ice...

“You know this is a musical, right?” Internal CD Player informs me after we had already purchased the tickets...

I actually did not know that...

“Not on my watch, it isn’t.” I resolutely inform him. It wasn’t. I changed the tickets to read...Snow White IS Nice...

We entered the stage door to see the production being filmed. It was a dwarf-based porno. Snow White was lying on the bed and covered in Dwarves. Happy was, obviously, Happy. Sleepy had already taken his shot (literally) and was asleep. Sneezy was annoying Snow White by continuously sneezing on her back. Bashful was having a hard time getting his clothes off...

Doc was sitting at a table reviewing the performer’s medical records. Dopey and Grumpy were missing. During a break in shooting, I ask the director, Victor Fleming, where they were...

“Oh they’re next door.” Fleming reports. “We are also shooting a gay-Dwarf porn sequence this afternoon.”

“SHUT UP?!” Says Internal CD Player before asking, “Can we watch that too?”

“Really...?” I inquire of him.

I look around at the set we were on. Happy is grinning from ear to ear while Sleepy snores away. Sneezy was off to get an antihistamine while Snow White angrily wipes Sneezy snot from the small of her back...

“This isn’t weird enough?” I finish...

He is chagrined. “That is Creative Voice behavior, huh?”

“Right?” I agree, before admitting, “Creative Voice would want a report though, huh?”

We wander into the next room...

The director...Mark Ewbie...was cajoling the actors into another shot. He was working with a new Dwarf...Premature...

There were three Dwarfs in attendance. Grumpy, Dopey, and the new guy...Premature. Premature had just rushed his “lines” and ruined the shot...with a premature shot. This was the reason for Grumpy’s grumpiness...

The gay-dwarf porn “fluff girls” ...a local guy I had seen around town...I believe his name's Justin, who, along with Levi Johnston, began orally servicing Premature and Grumpy in anticipation of the next take...

Dopey tries to orally service himself and chips a tooth...

“Hey?” I turn to Tin man and ask, “Is that that Justin guy?”

“No.” Tin man replies. “That’s the guy you always think named Justin...and so you call him Justin.”

“Right, right, right. I do that.” I admit. “It’s close to Justin though!” I affirm...

“Mark??” I yell out. “When did you start directing gay-Dwarf porn dude?”

“Hey Thomas!” He calls out before walking over and shaking hands with the Tin man and myself.

He admits, “It’s the whole philosophy of having to direct gay-Dwarf porn before you get a chance to direct straight-Dwarf porn thing.”

He was right. The fact of having to direct gay-Dwarf porn, before getting a chance to direct straight-Dwarf porn, was just one, of four factors, holding back my straight-Dwarf porn directing career...


When Do Midgets Come in...?

An Official Committee of Midgets walk into the room and present paperwork that effectively shuts down production of Snow White IS Nice...

They were dressed nicely and were clearly used to being in charge. Mark looks at the paperwork and notes all the legal seals, signatures, and notaries...

“Bollocks!” He grumbles before calling out to the film crew to stop filming. The two gay-dwarf porn “fluff girls” ... Levi Johnston and Justin (?)...wipe their mouths and leave......

“Wasn’t that Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby-daddy?” Tin man asks.

Mark confirms what he’s heard on the streets, “Word on the street says that the Palin fatted cow got killed and now they all have to get real jobs.”

“No!” I reply aghast.

“What’s you talking about, Willis?” From Tin man...

“That’s what I’ve heard.” Mark defends his statement.

“How did the cow get killed?” Tin man.

“A whore fell on her.”

Reno is an odd town with odd happenings. Still, I felt some compulsion for clarity...

“A whore?”

“That’s the story I heard.”

Far off in the distance...the Munchkins let loose with a ragged cheer...


Reno Police...Vice Squad...moves in and begins enforcing a municipal code that specifically targets Dwarfs by arresting every, non-midget, under 4’ 6”.

Mark, Tin man, and I all assume perfect postures as the officers come by with their tape measures...

After they pass, our postures slump and we continue our conversation...

“So, Mark...” I begin. “What’s up with the midgets? They seem to be little people with big attitudes.”

Mark looks at me like I had just crawled from a cave.

“You just crawl from a cave, mate? The midgets are tied into everything here. Porn, Russian brides, bribes, and illegal crustacean smuggling...these guys are into everything! Horse meat...all of it!” He hisses...

I ask about the Wizard of Reno and Hobbits. With a quizzical look...Mark looks at me quizzically. Our conversation is ended when Mark is called over to account to the Official Committee of Midgets...

When Internal CD Player and I leave, we hear one of the midgets mention, Operation Snow White...

Unbeknownst to us...our exit was being Fork.

We don’t recognize him because he is wearing a beret, burgundy trench coat, and sunglasses...he follows us...

(End Part 5)

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)(Part 6)(Part 7) (Part 8)(Part 9)(Part 10)


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    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      This would make a CRAZY screenplay! Hmm...?


    • Alastar Packer profile image

      Alastar Packer 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      It's all in the psychic powers my man--a pleasure to promote such a wondrously satirical and funny fine novella- screenplay- hub!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      I think this was my favorite part of the series. Thanks for the bump my friend!


    • Alastar Packer profile image

      Alastar Packer 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      How about one from the middle for any Alastar followers who haven't feasted their eyes yet on the outstanding Wizard of Reno! Caution friends: for adults only!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      Mark DOES have hidden talents! In fact, the very first story of his I ever read was the one that referenced gay-dwarf porn. I guess that makes him my gay-dwarf porn muse. Well, that look's kind of weird when it's all typed out...?

      Anywho...I understand your conundrum on picking which is more loathsome...a Palin or a Levi. I have the same problem which is why (I think) they are BOTH in this story! Ahhh...good really...dems just jokes...

      Thanks for the read!


    • FloraBreenRobison profile image


      9 years ago

      So Mark is directing Snow White, huh? Didn't know he had it in him. He has hidden talents. :)

      I'm not sure which person annoys me more. Palin or Levi.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      Thank you for the kind words! No worries...our friend Putin will be pretty much embedded in this story...once he is finished with being embedded with Bristol.

      I am glad the "mirror image" sentence struck a chord with you (and, subsequently, the cats)! I remember feeling not overly creative when I wrote it...


      PS...of course I wrote dead dogs and Sarah Palin for you!

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 

      9 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia


      I too was hoping that Vladimir Putin would play a larger role in the story. Maybe?

      My first favorite section: The part about Dead Dogs and Sarah Palin! Terrific. I am choosing to believe that was written just for me...if it wasn't, I don't need to know.

      Second favorite section: Whereupon entering the bowels of the city you comment that -- it was a "mirror image" of the topside, only "different." For some reason that struck me as the funniest sentence in Part 5. I laughed till I almost choked...the cats were displeased. They will get over it.

      Another trip! In the best sense of the word. :)


    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      Oh yeah...I need a Wizard, huh...?

      Weirder and weirder, indeed.


    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 

      9 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Is fork the wizard in disguise? Oh boy! This is getting weirder and weirder!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      Haha has been applied to "the intuition" rather the "haiku movies" ...since seeing that (to be honest) I have just been trying to figure out how to get Mark back here while wearing a kimono...

      It is good to laugh ourselves. I may make a career out of it if they let me...


      PS...send me that soldier picture!! (laughing)

    • Alastar Packer profile image

      Alastar Packer 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks Thomas, lest there be any confusion the haha! goes with 'the intuition' not the 'haiku movies.' Tis good we can all laugh at ourselves sometimes.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      Within the sub-context of your first sentence, my friend...I could tell that you were still please with yourself. :) I can work with that...

      Yeah...Fork threw us with that disguise..."him speak with forked tongue?" We will need to keep our eyes open...

      Thanks for your very kind words my friend!


    • Alastar Packer profile image

      Alastar Packer 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      Oh my, where to start...that's too bad about Kelly's taze ole boy but some of us have it and some...well, have tongues. Alastars still pleased with himself too btw. Mr. Ewbie directing Snow White IS Nice was quite a surprise...thought he only directed Japanese haiku movies. Haha! The intuition was right about Mr. Fork- never trusted that character. Well, awesome enjoy Mr. Thomas, do believe you have a screenplay here for a warped 21st century version of the old classic- guaranteed block-buster biz!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      It would't be fair to repeat the rumors...

      I am very glad you are enjoying this...should have part six coming in about a week...I shall reserve a chair for you!



    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 

      9 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      You started most of the rumors.. lol so funny.. this is very entertaining. I love it.

      I voted up and funny and awesome.


    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      ..Well...Yeah...I mean if that's the how it needs to be written...(shrug)...

      It's actually a small notebook..and some mental post-it-notes. You are correct...what is a story without illusive muses and sexual innuendo? Probably a story that doesn't get it's ads disabled...

      Yes...the mighty Putin shall reappear soon, my friend!


    • nemanjaboskov profile image

      Nemanja Boškov 

      9 years ago from Serbia

      Thomas, I noticed that you forgot about Vladimir and his role in this series... However, I find it hard to believe that you keep notes - mental notes perhaps, but not real notes in a real notebook :) I am enjoying my part in this, and I am enjoying your fresh and unexpected twists. In regard to my girlfriend, her name is Ana, and she is one of the few citizens of Hubsville from my part of the world :)

      When it comes to floating icebergs, pregnant Eskimos, illusive muses, sexual innuendos and similar things - what would this series be without these, right? Back to Reno for the merry group, where they would eventually encounter the infamous Wizard...

      Finally, our friend Lapse and his library situation. I think I heard that the librarian didn't like his attitude when she asked him to "put it away", so he ended up pissing off a lot of people in charge of the library and the computers there... I mean...if that's how it needs to be written up....(shrug)...

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      I felt that crown sit heavy on my brow when I typed those words my friend.

      IN terms of the need to go eight parts...yeah...whole bunch of things dangling about. I was reviewing my notes (laughing) yes...I actually make notes and such...anyways...I straight forgot that Putin was trying to kill me?

      Towards that end...part six will be needing a translator...? I hope you enjoy your role. (Oh...what's your girlfriend's name?)

      I suppose I wouldn't need a part 8 if I had more plot progression and less floating icebergs and pregnant Eskimos. But still...Good for Alastar, huh? I will need to ask him about that...

      My dream was nice. Nature of muses, perhaps, they may prove ethereal? How could they not?

      As this story is (essentially) set in Reno...Yup...back to Reno...



      PS...Have you seen Lapse? The last I heard he was surfing for porn on the internet at the library while being served corn by the local homeless tweakers? I mean...if that's how it needs to be written up....(shrug)...

    • nemanjaboskov profile image

      Nemanja Boškov 

      9 years ago from Serbia

      Thomas, you really deserve to be crowned as the King of the Understatements for the following sentence :"Things were starting to get weird..." Starting? Really, you think? :)))

      As always, I was delighted to see the newest edition of the Wonderful Wizard of Reno, and I like what I'm hearing about this becoming an eight-part series. So many things need to happen, right? :)

      Quite a few unexpected things occurred in Part 5, my friend. I must say that I was surprised by Kelly and Alastar getting to the point where Alastar was pleased with himself :) Definitely a shocker...

      I'm sorry they woke you up from that wonderful dream of yours, you really seemed to be doing great with Betty... I hope you really get to finish what you started there.

      Back to Reno, huh? I hope that will bring us something interesting in the next part!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Jamie... real-life Reno roommate...I think Fork's secret life involves, possibly, wearing a beret...beyond that, my friend, I am winging it.

      I DO like the carpet escape thing! Magical Realism makes for some easy writing...


    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      That would explain why Alastar appears pleased with himself... I already feel the heat from his "blush" from North Carolina....ahh...good times...

      Shall we see what trouble we can get into in part 6?


    • jhamann profile image

      Jamie Lee Hamann 

      9 years ago from Reno NV

      If you ever need a quick exit try the carpet. What is this double life fork is keeping! Can't wait for the next. Jamie

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 

      9 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      ThoughSammies:) I think it is hysterical funny! LOL I am a huge supporter of yours and I love this series so much. I laugh all the way through!

      I love Alastar - boy do I!!! HA HA

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      Ohhhh...I can see how that would be ONE I published it and shit...I see that connection. So...let's not tell your mother...

      That seemed to rock Alastar's world.

      I'm glad you are still laughing and that you are such an awesome sport!



    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 

      9 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Thomas - oh my, my, my! Now I am a whore too You could have at least made sure I got paid! LOL I am laughing and crying all at the same truly takes literary brillance to do that...

      maybe you need a spoon now - then that fork might run off with it!


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