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The Wonderful Wizard Of Reno
A Confession...
I have a confession...You have been lured here under false pretenses. Undoubtedly...you expected a long story. Oh...don’t worry...it is. It is also unfinished with an, as yet, un-formulated ending. (No...I mean like I don’t have a clue...).
That said...I have accepted the challenge of my new friend, Lapse, and the advice of an old friend, barbergirl28, to publish a multi-part (Interactive) story that could quite possibly bend to comments and suggestions. Please feel free to contribute in the comment section or via email. Although not every idea will be able to be included...I wish to thank everyone who participates for what (I am sure) will be awesome ideas!
Enjoy.
Fear the Midget...
Reno, Nevada.
The Biggest Little City in the World.
Where dreams come to die and washed-out rock bands from the 1970s come to revive.
I stopped typing and looked at the opening lines for my new Reno-Tahoe tourism brochure proposal.
I assumed it would need a retool prior to acceptance by the local governmental functionary assigned that task.
My heart wasn’t in it.
I didn’t want to write travel pieces for pennies a word. I wanted to write one story and be paid millions of dollars for it. I just needed that ONE story...
A friend had disabused me of this notion. “I’m pretty sure every writer wants that, right? Why would you get it before someone else?”
Prior to hearing about this, hither fore, unacknowledged horde of unacknowledged writers vying for my spot in the sun...I just assumed I wanted it more...
“What have you heard?” I ask worried.
“What do you mean...what have I heard? I have heard that writers want to become famous and make millions of dollars.”
The secret was out.
She continued this depressing dialogue. “You have to do these travel things until you make it big. It’s the whole philosophy of having to do gay-porn before you get a chance to do straight-porn thing.”
She was right. The fact of having to do gay-porn, before getting a chance to do straight-porn, was just one, of four factors, holding back my straight-porn career...
This had been earlier in the day. It was now later in the day and the fruits of my labor can be seen in the sad three lines above. Perhaps if I used a different font?
Don’t fear the Dwarf...
I’ve lived in Reno for near on a decade. I should probably have a closer connection to the town; however, our introduction had been marred. I came here from the Bay Area for (I thought) a transitionary six-month period following my divorce. That was almost ten years ago. It’s like there’s a magnetic pull from the bowels of the city that feeds on desperation, depression, and debauchery. A trifecta from within that traps, trips, and trashes.
As pure happenstance would have it...I was feeling trapped, tripped, and trashed.
I needed to get out of the house and among the crowd.
A ‘typical’ crowd in Reno, Nevada is a terrible sight to behold.
The town was overbooked. Five extravagant shows, three major conventions, and two contentious protests were all vying for my money and attention. I had little of the former and less of the latter.
Midget Wrestling, the Dog Show of Little Dog Shows, Snow White on Ice, a Judy Garland Retrospective, and Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon Laser Extravaganza were all on the menu of options.
The state-of-the art National Bowling Stadium was hosting the National Championship of Bowlers while the Reno Convention Center proved the nexus for hunters and Gun Show enthusiasts. As always in Reno...there appeared to be a meth-amphetamine convention going on...there were tweakers everywhere...
Scattered about town were small pockets of groups (protesting and supporting) the Federal Bureau of Land Management’s (BLM) proposed round-up of wild mustangs on public ranges. Several fights had broken out between the two groups following the release of dramatic footage which showed those, quintessential icons, of the American West being ‘run to death’ by pursuers in helicopters...
I went to the Silver Legacy and Resort. It’s fairly classy.
It would have to be considered the premier ‘upscale’ Casino in town. Its bold architectural statement and green illuminated facade dominate the Northern Nevada skyline and is evocative of L. Frank Baum’s Emerald City in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz...
The 1,700-room hotel and 85,000 square feet of gaming space absorb two full city blocks. Attached to this imposing edifice is the world’s largest composite dome, measuring 180-feet in diameter which provides a unique environment for using the latest in lighting, sound and special effects technology within its’ 75,000 square feet of interior space.
Tonight the orbed structure was slated to host one of the four extravagant shows billed for the evening...Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon...laser show...
I remembered an urban myth regarding (side one) of that album about it’s syncing up with the first twenty minutes of the 1939 movie classic...The Wonderful Wizard of Oz...
An attempt to test the theory in the early 1980s failed due to inferior technology. As I recall, our Pink Floyd cassette tape was temperamental and the Wizard of Oz V.H.S. tape proved recalcitrant. We never achieved sync.
The Silver Legacy was out of my comfort zone...
I normally like to haunt the seedier establishments. They seem more true to the character of the city. I know, however, that I need to reinvent my view of the town in order to guarantee commercial success for my new tourist copy.
I had settled in at the machines. Unlike the (said) seedier establishments...The Silver Legacy doesn’t cater to the “penny” machine crowd. The ten machines of our gaming station were found in the basement along an unpainted wall, cowering beneath exposed wiring and dripping pipes...
The cocktail waitress would make the circuit, once every six hours, dispensing the complementary watered down drinks...
Unbeknownst to me, a brown Russian Dwarf hamster and a Rainbow colored ‘My Little Pony’ were observing me from behind a salt shaker. In a series of mental flashes...they made their decision and I was it...
What was That About Midgets...?
“Here she comes!” Says Creative Voice. He moves over a seat to my right while Internal CD player occupies the spot to my left. We accept the three rum and cokes we had ordered an hour earlier and tip the waitress seventy-four cents...
Internal CD player was playing the title track from Elton John’s, signature 1973 album, Good-Bye Yellow Brick Road...
We were languidly sipping our drinks as the Emerald City slot-machine slowly reduced my estate in increments of pennies per spin...
“So, you want to know about the magnetic pull that traps people in Reno, huh?” Asks the slightly plump, brown, Russian Dwarf hamster. He was sitting in an ashtray. His fine whiskers twitch as he appraises my suitability for his mysterious tasks...
I consider him in return.
“I wouldn’t mind.” I admit. When negotiating with a Russian Dwarf hamster, it’s always best to be forthright. They appreciate it.
“The Wonderful Wizard of Reno should be able to help. I can show you how to get there.” He offers.
I suddenly noticed something that seemed to serve as an undercurrent to the day’s events. There were a lot of references to The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Look! It starts in the title...yeah, yeah...L. Frank Baum, Yellow Brick Road, Emerald City, Judy Garland, midgets and such...you know...the Lilliputian guys...no...That’s Gulliver’s Travels...still...my worry was a real one...
“This isn’t going to turn into a musical is it?” I ask warily...
“It might.” He candidly admits to the danger. It was then that I smelled Sushi...
I have always found the shear number of sushi restaurants in this land-locked, desert city, to be incongruous. I mean...we’re land-locked. In a desert. Where’s all the fish coming from?
I hear a rainbow colored snort. From behind the Russian Dwarf hamster prances a rainbow colored “My Little Pony.” She relates a tale so horrific as not to be believed.
I buy into the whole story...
With the completion of that mental transaction, Creative Voice transformed into the character of the Cowardly Lion while Internal CD player adopts the persona of the Tin man. I looked down to see that I was dressed normal.
Phew.
The story was still missing a Dorothy and a Scarecrow. I don’t look good in pig-tails and I smoke entirely too much to be comprised of straw.
Introductions are made. The flamboyantly colored, diminutive, equine was named Applejack. The Russian Dwarf hamster named himself as Toto.
“As in the 1970s washed-out rock band by that same name?” I ask.
“I think it’s designed to be more evocative of Toto in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.” Points out Toto.
It made sense. “Oh, sure...that makes sense.” I agree.
“What’s his story?” Toto inquires of Creative Voice who is dressed like the Cowardly Lion and shadow-boxing with his own demons...
“Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up!”
“He’s afraid of writing contest judges.” I inform the curious rodent. “Ever since our recent foray into the land of competitions...he’s been gun shy about showing his work...”
Internal CD player was sadly singing the Tin Man’s song about wanting a heart. He always believed that with a heart he would be able to compose his own music; thus enabling him to stop having to play cover tunes. I explain this to the Russian Dwarf hamster.
“The Wizard of Reno should be able to give your friend his courage back.” Announces Toto. “Your little mechanical friend can probably get a heart for his musical career.”
“And the Wizard will explain the diabolical magnetic pull of Reno that traps, trips, and trashes?”
“You Betcha!” I was startled by the reference. My memory searched for a lost file in a messy drawer...hmm...Who else says...You Betcha...?”
“So...I guess we are off to see the Wizard.” I state as I put away that riddle and ponder how this new situation could be turned into a serviceable article about tourism in Reno...The Biggest Little City in the World.
No...It was a Dwarf Thing...
For those unaware of recent demographic changes in Reno, Nevada...allow me to explain. Over the past decade, swarms of Californians have moved to Nevada as their own state slowly sank into a cesspool of debt, over-regulation, and taxation. Damn Californians.
I don’t count myself in this number. I didn’t flee California because my state had turned into a cesspool of debt, over-regulation, and taxation. I left because my marriage had turned into a cesspool of debt, over-regulation, and taxation. To talk to native Nevadans, however, one finds that distinction largely ignored.
As an outsider I have come to believe that the town is run by an ‘Old-Boy’ network composed of conservative ranchers, miners, and politicians. Parochial. Small thinkers. Tiny ideas. Fearful of change and intolerant of new ideas and perspectives. A lot like my ex-wife...
After tonight’s adventure I would be surprised to find just how right I was...and just how wrong...
“So, now what?” I ask Toto. “The Yellow-Brick Road?”
“No. That’s old-school wizard finding thinking. To get to the top in Reno...you have to go to the bottom first.” He indicates the carpeting below my feet.
For those unaware of casino design...allow me to explain. They are dedicated to robbing the gambler of his or her senses. No windows, clocks, or outside stimuli are allowed to interfere with moving the hapless gambler from one table to the next.
In the classic military maneuver of “Fix and Destroy”...the bright lights and flashing machines “fix” the rube and their greed “destroys” them.
The indicated carpet was a busy pattern of flamboyant colors doing unnatural things for the sole purpose of keeping the gambler’s eyes up on the action, rather than, down at their feet. Casinos don’t make money when people are looking at their feet. That may be true of most industries. Well...not shoes...
It has been my experiences that if you gaze too long (or too deeply) into a casino carpet...you will spew the $7.77 Buffet meal you just fought through to “get your $7.77 money’s worth.” In all likelihood...that gastronomical gag reflex is a contributing factor to the busy pattern of flamboyant colors. It should probably be inferred that you never want to take your shoes off in a casino...
I didn’t so much as, ‘stare down at the carpet’ as much as, ‘the carpet stared up at me,’ in a brazen display of un-carpet like activity...at least...in the traditional sense...swirling...vortex-ing...other-ings...truly...I was about to lose my rum when my eyes went into survival mode and jerked away from the unruly patterns...
I glanced around the nearly deserted section of casino. Creative Voice was still shadow boxing and Internal CD player was playing Ann and Nancy Wilson’s signature 1970s rock anthem...”Barracuda...” Applejack was flying around nervously...her small wings beating a tattoo of desperation at our hesitation...
I’m Pretty Sure I heard Them say Midget...
No one seemed to notice my discomfiture...
Except Toto...
“You suck. You ain’t got no skills.” The slightly plump, brown, Russian Dwarf hamster declared as his fine whiskers twitched disgustedly.
I close my eyes tightly to help ease the queasy feeling that was, occasioned by the maelstrom of colors, emanating from the carpet. I slug the last of my rum which proves to be mostly melted ice...
“Fuck you little man.” I bite back. “I’ve coughed up bigger and furrier things than you.”
“YOU’RE FIGHTING THE PATTERN!” He hissed loudly. “You need to swirl when it swirls...vortex...when it’s vortex-ing...other-ings...
“Yeah, yeah...I get it.” I cut him off. I concentrate on the carpet...sounds fade...
(OOOH...Barracuda...)
(Put-em UP...Put-em UP...)
Suddenly, the carpet sexually assaults my left eye while leaving my right eye free to watch the desecration. I catch a swirl...I grab a hold...the vortex-ing nearly unseats me and I drop my empty glass...I hold on...I did what I thought was...”a vortex...” As it turns out...it was a vortex. A door in the carpet opens and reveals a set of stairs leading downward...
Applejack darts in quickly...comes out and begins herding the shadow-boxing Cowardly Lion and rocking-out Tin man down the stairs...
“Perhaps I didn’t misjudge you after all.” Toto says gravely.
“Oh, no,” I assure him. “You’ve misjudged me; but we’re 2,000 words into this mess and there’s no going back now...I may as well go down the stairs.”
“That’s the Reno Spirit! We’re already in this deep?? ...Fuck it!” He declared happily before scampering down the stairs...
As I prepare to follow I noticed a woman crying. She was a mess. She was pretty, but she was a mess. Mom raised me right and I’m a gentleman...I approached her with a grip of cocktail napkins and a concerned look on my face...I was concerned that I didn’t have enough napkins to even start to clean this mess up...
No, No...It was About Dwarfs...
The napkins and a (luckily) found table-cloth stemmed the tide. Conversation served as a levee against her surging emotions. Turns out...she was a tourist. She lost all her money. Those that know me well...know I don’t care for tourists. They tend to smell when wet and continuously clog the city’s arteries as ‘real’ citizens attempt to conduct their daily lives...
I gave her some sage advice and directions...
“You always want to keep forty dollars in your shoe. If you have forty dollars in your shoe, you can get home to the Bay Area.” I tell her prior to giving her directions to the local blood bank...
“But I don’t live in the Bay Area...” She mournfully replied.
“Oh, that doesn’t matter,” I tell her. “The key is to get out of Reno. The Bay Area is WAY better than Reno. Also...you never want to take your shoes off in a casino...”
We started talking. She cleaned up good. She was pretty and I liked her.
“My name’s Thomas.” I state as I stick my hand out.
“My name is RealHousewife.” She tells me while taking the proffered hand.
“Wow. Your parents had very specific expectations, huh?” I ask.
“Right? You can call me Kelly if you like.”
“Can I call you Dorothy?” I probe.
“Is that your thing?” She parries.
“Where are you from?” I deflect.
“St. Louis.” She confirms.
“Kansas?” I’m hopeful.
“Missouri.” She corrects.
“Can you be from Kansas?” I probe.
“Is that your thing?” She parries.
“Sometimes.” I concede...
A deal was struck and Kelly transformed into a, rather saucy, 1930s farm girl. As we move towards the stairs we hear a voice...
“Hey guys...do you have a cigarette, ten-dollars, or a car-battery I can sell?”
Oh Shit. A tweaker.
We turned and looked at the sorry specimen of a human being. He weighed less than a pile of straw, was barefoot, and wearing threadbare clothes. It seemed obvious to me...
“Ok Scarecrow,” I tell him. “We’re off to see the wizard...maybe he can give you a brain and you will stop tweaking.”
He twitches at the suggestion but relaxes when I say...
“You being a tweaker, I doubt it. Maybe he can get you a motel-voucher though. Don’t steal anything and leave the girl alone.” I finish.
Scarecrow (with visions of a motel-voucher in mind) was eying Dorothy lasciviously...
We walked down the stairs and into another world...
(End of Part 1)
(Part 2)(Part 3)(Part 4)(Part 5)(Part 6)(Part 7) (Part 8)(Part 9)(Part 10)
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Comments
This is great! I laughed all the way through and am eager to read the other sections. I'm a Californian who got stuck here in Reno as well. So many of my friends are in the same boat as well, that when anyone even contemplates coming here I warn them of the whirlpool effect. Once you're here, it's almost impossible to escape.
- AUTHOR
Shelley,
Welcome to the Yellow Brick Road! The lovely Dorothy is indeed a trooper in this one! I'm very glad I inspired a giggle and would like to thank you for the votes and follow!
Thomas
ThoughtSandwiches, just found you and the lovely Dorothy - love your sense of humor and what can I do but vote up, vote funny and follow you to keep on laughing!
- AUTHOR
KD,
As a rule I always like to have my main characters mocking "someone" ...normally though they are usually mocking the author. Don't you hate when characters get away? (sigh).
I'm glad you enjoyed this although I don't believe this shows all that much dialogue...more setting the whole sloppy mess up!
Thanks for stopping by!
Thomas
This was absolutely ingenious of you! Great characterization, comedy, and narration! Definitely blown away. I really liked how you built your primary character to be mocking Oz; very funny!
-KD
- AUTHOR
tillsontitan...
First off, thank you very much for taking a peek into my (admittedly) odd attempt to come to terms with Reno! I don't think ANYONE likes reading hubs this long...lol...and yet I keep writing them thusly. (sigh).
I need to update the intro to this as I now know it meanders and rambles another 30,000 words after this...so...
Should you continue and in your travels come across any passed out/dead readers (who never made it out), you should go through their pockets and see what you can find.
There are a number of similarities between Reno and Vegas...I find the defining difference to be that down there you have fake pretentiousness. Up here you have real decay. I prefer the honesty.
Thank you again for stopping by!
Thomas
Your imagination is only surpassed by your use of words! This was great. I don't generally read hubs this long but you had me entranced as you jumped from your divorce to your trip through the carpet. Never been to Reno but it sounds a lot like Vegas. Voted up. Hope to get to the next parts of this story.
- AUTHOR
Debbie...
Well then...you MUST come visit us!! Until you make that trip, however, please enjoy my rather twisted version of the town...oh...and the Wizard of Oz...
Thanks for stopping by!
Thomas
well Reno does sound like a great town. I have never been there..this story is very entertaining so glad you found Dorothy.. and the scarecrow.. I felt like I was watching The movie Wizard of OZ.. it was wonderful It looks like I have a lot to read. see you soon
Debbie
- AUTHOR
David...
Hello fellow Reno Hubber! You were ambitious to start reading my stuff with this series..it tends to go on for days...you are correct...it is not rocket science but it does take a lot of words to do our little town justice!
I'm very glad you enjoyed this one and thank you so much for stopping by and leaving such an awesome comment!
Thomas
Great lines! I see you learned quickly how the bowels of Reno can be, not that it requires a lot of time I guess. No rocket science here,lol. I've also been here a decade , hard to believe. No lack of good old boy politics. "Smoke entirely to much to made of straw" LOL. I'm off to part two.
- AUTHOR
James!!
Hey my good friend! Thanks for stopping and taking a read on this! No worries...by the end...there are presidents. Yup...you gotta keep reading!
Thomas
PS...Hey...I bought a ride last week...working on headed your way!
What, no presidents?! what's up w/ that? Is it not Reno, Nevada?
- AUTHOR
hi Kim...
First things first...that was not the first line-up I have been dragged to by mistake. Truth be told...my avatar is that of my dog, Truman...rather than a cow. Many, many people think he's a cow though so no worries there either!
I'm glad you enjoyed this tale! Thank you for stopping by and commenting!
Thomas
very interesting and entertaining, TS.....and sorry about mixing you up with that other bovine.
- AUTHOR
AEvans...
First off...thank you for the read and wonderful comment! Yes...divorce is what got me here...the magnetic pull from the bowels of the town is what has kept me here (that and really great people)! You are right...Reno is a fun town to play in (Before going home).
Also...Reno? Waaay better than Vegas! Come back any time...really... We DO like tourists!
Take Care,
Thomas
Amazingly wonderful story! Had me in stitches. How do you manage to get stuck in Reno? I know, I know Divorce but they say it is the "Biggest Little Town In The World". lolo! Been to Reno enjoyed it, but was glad to get back home. :)
- AUTHOR
Becky...
I couldn't agree more. Back when I was part of the solution and not the problem...you know...a Californian who came, spent, and went home...I would enjoy the occasional weekend with a game of chance. Now that I live here and can blow a paycheck in the slot machines in front of the grocery store...eh...that allure is gone.
Never a good idea to live in a gambling town and like to gamble.
Thanks for your comment!
Thomas
PS...there ARE a lot of cool things to do that avoid downtown!
I am glad it didn't bother you. I did not feel the urge to go downtown for anything. Something you learn when you're raised there is, "Do not gamble, they make lots of money off of you." I totally agree with that. Very few really win, they spend lots of money and go home with very little more or wiped out.
There are so many other things to do there. I preferred those things.
- AUTHOR
Hi Becky...
I have to wonder how many people who live in New York have never seen the Statue of Liberty or Parisians who have never gone up the Eiffel Tower. I believe that is the nature of tourist towns...you avoid the tourists.
Laughing...no worries on the comment...the reason I mentioned that in this story is because...yes...I have heard it before!
Thanks for the stop and comment!
Thomas
I'm sorry, that came out nasty and I did not mean it to be.
I want to know how I lived 30 some years in Reno-Sparks and hardly ever went downtown? I was born there and yes, you are one of the interlopers, who ran me out because it got too big.
- AUTHOR
Jim...
You should certainly do it! It will be nice getting mail that isn't a bill or a lawsuit. I will want to hear the Weathermen story (as I'm sure you can imagine).
As I agree with the limitation of labels, beyond simplistic categorization, I look forward to what you come up with!
Thomas
Thomas,
Yeah, Rhonda is good people.
I'm thinking of doing a piece in the form of a letter to you. I guess I kind of need to write something out about where I stand in politics, and why. As you know, I don't like label's. This would be a sort of a letter to a liberal friend, telling him why I believe in conservative principals while the lable doesn't necessarily fit me. See, I used to be the most left-wing radical that you could ever imagine. Giving away my age, I can tell you that I was a member of the Weathermen. (long story) The thing I hate most about labels, is the fact that the people wearing them seem to have closed minds. I hate closed minds. I'm thinking of you for this little project because I know you're a smart guy with an open mind. See, I'm not into telling anybody that they're wrong about what they believe, because I don't know that. I only know where I've been, where I'm going, and why I'm headed there. bla, bla ..
Anyway, I'm rolling this thing around my head, and if I do it, I'll give you a heads up before I do it.
Jim
- AUTHOR
Jim...
Although it has been 20+ years...I remember that area well. It's fun screwing with the crazies...especially by Newport pier? You always found your BEST crazies at Newport Pier if memory serves correctly!
Thomas
PS...I met poetvix and she seems enchanting. I look forward to getting to know her!
Thomas,
We should do a road trip one of these days. My cousin Cindy still has the family condo there at PCH and Golden West on Deep Harbor Drive. It's a beautiful place, and we could hang out there for a day or two while we screw with the crazies.
- AUTHOR
Alas...the old Cali is long gone. My dream would have been to live in the state during the 40s and 50s...structurally speaking...the seeds for destruction were probably already being laid in the 60s and 70s. Sucks. (To quote a recent reading...)
I too spent quite a bit of my formulative years in H.B. as I lived next door in Fountain Valley ...I was already priced-out of the area as I walked out of my alma mater, Fountain Valley High School, in 1982. Sucks.
You are correct...Great memories!
Thomas
Thomas,
I'm sending a friend of mine by. She's a great little writer, and I told her about you. I thought it would be cool if you guys hooked up. (hub wise) Her name is poetvix (Rhonda) . She leans towards the conservative side, like me. But like me, she's cool. I think that talented people get more talented when they hang around together. (Writing wise) Awww shit, you know what I mean!
jim
I actuaqlly only lived in San Jose 2 years. Most of my time was in San Diego, H.B and L.A. California broke my ass twice. Too expensive to do business. The old Cali is long gone. It's a heart breaker. Great memories though!
jim
- AUTHOR
East Bay. Oakland-San Leandro-Hayward 580 corridor for the most part. I have friends in San Jose.
Thomas
Which part of the Bay Area? San Jose here dude!
jim
- AUTHOR
Jim...
"Grinding his lower jaw and peaking nervously out the window." (Laughing) That is priceless my friend...you DO know the mannerisms! I'm glad I was able to catch you with a giggle.
Thanks,
Thomas
The tweaker as Scarecrow! I about freaking lost it. I'd never have thought of it but it was perfect. (laughing my ass off) Grinding his lower jaw and peaking nervously out a window.
Fantastic my friend!
jim
- AUTHOR
Kdee...
I am so happy that you are enjoying the story and the links/warnings about starting at the beginning are being observed.
Reno is a fun town...to visit and make fun of. It is a fun town to live in as well, but that is mostly because of the very good people here! Four hour drive? ...The Bay Area? Remember...put $40 in your shoes so you have gas money to get home!
Thanks for the read!
Thomas
FUN READING! I had to go back to the start. This is really great. I love Reno. It's always the 4 hour drive. I look forward to more Reno stories.
Kay
- AUTHOR
Theresa...
Happy New Years! You are correct...they DID de-publish this bad boy than put it back. On that note...Part 3 HAS been de-published and has NOT been put back.
Apparently...I need to do some revisions. As such...you are only fling on three engines in terms of "full picture" shit. To get you up to speed...in part 3 some weird shit went down.
This particular project was originally slated for four or five parts...I see know it will need a sixth part as well. It will be what, reader people, like to call a conclusion. Foolish optimism...
I am glad I had you at lascivious as the rest is indeed... unadulterated crap. I like to think that if I ever had a daughter and named her Lascivious...that she would become a hooker...
Thanks for the read!
Thomas
Thomas-
I am horridly (not horribly) curious, quite an unseemly trait in an adult. I remember going to the Hub and it was gone and I read that "they" (maybe the HubPages staff should be the monkeys, although I know you have already cast them by now) had taken your Hub down.
Fabulous start to what I am sure will be a fresh and fierce (I wanted to use the word "fatuous" here, but it has the wrong definition and would not work, so I had to let it go)four-parter. Will there be more than four parts?
By the way, you had me at the word lascivious in the next to last sentence. If everything else had been unadulterated crap, I would still have voted the Hub up. Lascivious is such a great word, and so under-utilized. Thank you for rescuing lascivious from oblivion. Kind of sounds like a hooker's name. :)
Off to read Part II, which will be equally scintillating,I am sure.
Theresa
- AUTHOR
Susan...
Right? Without this part...that which follows would seem kind of weird. I must say...'staff' sent me two nice emails...twelve hours apart...one explaining why it was axed...the other telling me it was back. Such is life in the land of Oz...
Thomas
Glad to see this is still here!
- AUTHOR
Alastar...
(Laughing)...I was sitting here in the early stages of this and I announced to the roomies...
"Creative Voice is going to be the Cowardly Lion and he is going to be afraid of contest judges."
They rolled their eyes and there was no going back. The dressing habits of contest judges have been noted and will probably be commented on (in some way) in Part 3 or 4...things are in flux and I have received quite a bit of feedback...so the plotting is (too be polite) fluid.
Thank you for your kind words and awesome sense of humor my friend! I shall give my regards to Dorothy and make sure Creative minds his P's and Q's.
Thomas
Mr. Sandwiches I'll have you know that writing contest judges put their pants on one leg at a time like everybody else, no need to fear them. And Toto's live song about the "wild dogs cry out in the night" had people singing along and big applause at the end too. Now to the positive part: thoroughly enjoyed this wizard of Reno trip Thomas, surly the Wizard of Oz and the town have never been used in such a fashion. Amazing. So, will be avidly waiting for the next installment to see where the stairs take you and the lovely Dorothy; tell Creative Voice to behave himself now ya hear.
- AUTHOR
Nemanja and James...
The on-going dialogue as regards (our mechanical friend)has been noted. They shall be referenced (if not answered) in part 2...hope you enjoy!
Thanks,
Thomas
- AUTHOR
jhamann...
Your words...as a native Nevadan...give me pause. Perhaps halfway through we should bust out into a Dirty Dozen motif...abandon the Wizard angle? Bold. Like morning coffee bold...
Thanks,
Thomas
Yes CD's evolution/maturation was interesting. I think with his transformation into a sleek MP3 player he'll be stealthy and more ninja-like! And everyone knows ninjas have a super high coolness quotient! By association it'll make YOU cooler!
Well, Thomas, it is very nice to hear from the author again... We can continue to talk into the wind for a long time, but you are the one who knows the truth about the whole Internal CD Player thing...
I'm glad to see the history of your internal music devices here, and I'm even more glad that you chose to ignore our comments related to the seasoning and things similar to this :)
I can't wait to see how will the story unfold and will the Internal CD Player get what he deserves in any of the future works of the esteemed hubber, Mr. ThoughtSandwiches...
There is no escape. The wizard cannot help you.
- AUTHOR
James and Nemanja...
I fiery discourse on Internal CD Player...I like it! Now...I will ignore all talk of aging and seasoning...hmmpft...
My Internal Musical devises have followed the following course...45s and then vinyl albums...Internal 8-Track player, Internal Cassette Player and now...Internal CD Player...I have not yet adopted Internal Ipod Player...sooooo...I can't include him as such. I tend not to be an earlier adopter of technology.
As for...Steve Jobs...no...I did not kill him. I have an alibi...I was killing William Hurt at the time.
I too used vinyl for Frisbee...I used my sister's Barry Manilow albums...she was pissed.
Internal CD Player does make a series of sounds that have come to be very expressive...you know...narrative need...I checked my sources on the original Wizard of Oz and from Part 1...Internal CD Player is going for a heart rather than a brain...The tweaker needs a brain. The question is what will the tweaker do with a brain at this point of his life??
Gentleman...you have inspired some thoughts that shall be included in the story. Maybe not THIS story...but still...
Thanks,
Thomas
Don't say he's old! Let's say he's seasoned enough to have owned a record player sometime in the past :)
I prefer the CD player, however, as I;m not seasoned enough to have enjoyed records, although I had a record player as a kid. We used the records as frisbees :)
Nostalgic on CD player noises??? If that were the case why isn't he Internal Record Player? That is much more "romantic" and best of all Thomas is DEFINITELY old enough to have owned some vinyl sometime in his life... I'm saying he's old! :-) ha ha ha...
Thomas, I'm really happy to hear that, my friend!
I admit to my question regarding your mind being a purely rhetorical one, but if you were "in your mind", we would probably be reading tourism pamphlets about Reno, Nevada... Therefore, I am truly honored to read the works of somebody who is not in, but rather out of his mind :) Thanks for the second part in advance!
Lapse, even though your idea about upgrading Internal CD Player is supreme, I would hate to see him become an iPod Touch... The sounds he makes with his laser thingy as a CD player mean too much to all of those around him...
Where does CD Players soul reside? Just trying to figure out the process to upgrade him to an iPod Touch... I think the transition should obviously take place when he gets his "Brain" as the Tin Man. Does this make Steve Jobs the Wizard??? Wait, Steve was a celebrity!!!! Umm,Thomas? Did you kill that guy?!?!?!?!
- AUTHOR
Nemanjav...
You are correct my friend...he got broke in a boxing match, always needs batteries, and we forgot the adapter when we went to Russia. Perhaps it is time to throw him a bone.
There is a general consensus that Creative Voice is a bitch...still...he does serve a purpose...
My friend Nemanja asks if I was 'Out of my mind'? He has read my stuff...he knows it would be a lie if I say no...
Towards that end my friend...I am typing away and are about 1000 words into part 2. I hope you enjoy it as much as the first!
Thomas
Hi, Thomas.
Internal CD Player was my favorite all along, and I was very sad when it got broken - I certainly think it was broken at one point, right? As for Creative Voice, I like the sneaky little thing less ever since he tried to write the whole Cervantes and Poe mess with you and Truman sound asleep, as I hate people who try to steal other people's spotlight :)
I really can't wait to see the second part, as I saw that we'll wait for a whole week. A week, Thomas? Really? Are you out of your mind? Do you really think that we will be able to wait for that long without bothering you each and every day?
- AUTHOR
Kelly...
Perhaps. Perhaps. That said...I understand you like flannel? Is this a shirt thing only? ...or do we do flannel pants, as well? I was thinking jeans. As for shoes...narrative need dictates that you tromp through this tale with precious jewels gouging into your feet...sorry.
My biggest fear is that you will never comment again for fear of being waylaid again. You are right to be fearful...it happens...
Enjoy the ride my good friend!
Thomas
- AUTHOR
Namanja!
Foremost...very good to see you...have a seat...here is a drink! Now..no worries on the missing the Wizard reference...you will note I did a little recap in one of the Dwarf/Midget capsules for that purpose...I kept forgetting as well.
Interesting views on Internal CD player. Creative Voice tends to grab most of the headlines and this is not the first time I have heard of developing Internal CD player. I just thought it was the weird voice in my head that I have been advised to ignore. Internal CD player does play elevator music when he is depressed and likes to play 'Brickhouse' when Faye is about... Good friends with Truman...
Worthy of exploration at least!
Thomas
- AUTHOR
Lapse...
As regards Brain storming session #1: Some good notions, however, the roles of the witches (3 of them) have been filled due to narrative need. Well, two for narrative need...one just because that was the way I wanted to do it.
I do like (and laughed) at the Wizard With NO Pants...The Wizard is...as yet...open for casting. I don't fear the 'R' rating.
In terms of disaffection with Internal CD player...I shall table that discussion until my reply to Nemanja as he raised the question. You can look at what I write, if you like.
This was an interesting idea (that you will be blamed for if it tanks) you have come up with. Jolly good fun.
Thomas
- AUTHOR
Hi Mamadrama!!
It is wonderful to see you and I hope you are feeling better!
I think this one is going to get weird so...right?...So many rules to get a straight porn career going...It's a lot like becoming a fighter pilot. You know...many hoops to jump through.
...I'm not implying anything towards the Air Force...(not that there is anything wrong with that...)I'm just saying...lots of hoops...math and such really...
Anyway let's see what happens...
Thanks for stopping by!
Thomas
Well Thomas - YOU SO CRAZY! Lmao. You crack me up!
Hi,Lapse!
I really feel that poor Internal CD Player could be a lot happier with a bit more freedom, especially when we consider the importance of his role in Thomas' pieces... I believe he is a decent fellow and he deserves all the best. Imagine being a CD player and an internal one, and being able to play only the things your master orders you to... Yes, he can indeed do much worse than Glen Campbell, but this is from our point of view. As you said, maybe he enjoys some other type of music totally different from what he is being made to play - you can never be sure with CD players, especially internal ones :)
Internal CD Player strikes back by playing awful music throughout the hub - that really is something I would immensely enjoy! We'll see what Thomas has to say about it, though. After all, he's probably the one to blame if our dear Internal CD Player is oppressed, right?
Nemanja, I don't think I am as well versed with Thomas' stuff as you have been here longer, but I think that would be a really interesting plot detail that Internal CD Player is unhappy with his gig... I never read that into it. Wow is CD Player oppressed in some real way? Does he secretly long to play something very different like country western? He can do a hell of a lot worse than Glen Campbell you know...
Thomas, I feel unbelievably stupid for missing the WizOfOz reference when I saw the title of your newest hub in my email inbox... Instead of Wizard of Oz, several other things dawned on me as regard to what the hub will be about... However, I'm glad you chose to use the tale of Dorothy and her strange friends to create yet another masterpiece for us to enjoy :)
I can't wait to see who's the wicked which, and who'll be the mighty wizard... Also, I would really like to see Internal CD Player get a heart and start composing his own stuff, as I often thought him unhappy with the music he played.
I wish you best of luck in your new niche (travel), and I will be eagerly awaiting the second part of the journey to the Wonderful Wizard of Reno...
Nemanja
Brainstorming session #1
- Kenneth Avery as the gatekeeper to Oz?
- The Wizard of Oz becomes, "The Wizard with No Pants"
- "Just ask Susan" and/or "MissOlive" is/are the Good Witch(s)! They seem so darned sweet and WISE...
- Mamadrama needs a reference...
...come on you laughed at "The Wizard with No Pants!" Of course you may get an "R" rating (or worse) for it...
Oh Thomas!! First of all I snorted laughed at this part:
"She was right. The fact of having to do gay-porn, before getting a chance to do straight-porn, was just one, of four factors, holding back my straight-porn career"
You are brilliantly funny and I enjoy every word you write.
- AUTHOR
Stacy...
Good to know, good to know. Flannel shall be arranged as soon as practicable. Does flannel come from sheep? If so...
Thomas
- AUTHOR
Arlene...
Several factors...it is STILL all about Street Improvements...the new trend being taking two lanes...and turning them into one lane at congested areas of the city. Wait...I used a period...I meant to use question marks. Many of them??? Also...If you are going to "street barf" that is why we have Sparks.
I gotta say...this is a wild little town. Very good people....but...it's weird...
I have never been to the Nevada Fair. I suck as a citizen. Plus...they do rodeo and I object on animal rights grounds...The barrel races? Yeah...I object. My barrel never wins.
Thomas
Ha ha - sometimes the best stuff if far from intellectual. After all, I think one of my favorite writeups on my hubs was ... oh wait... I can't think of one... I have written too many! LOL
I am glad that if Kelly was stuck in Reno you would be there to make sure she was treated right. But please... don't dress her Dorthy typical... she really likes flannel :)
- AUTHOR
barbergirl...
I had to include Kelly because I promised she would be treated properly should she ever become stranded in Reno. It's only right.
Also...she's from Kansas! ("Missouri"...gripes Kelly...)
That's so funny that you mentioned travel articles...that was on my list of "useful/Google-able" topics I could write about...of course...this is what I came up with. :(
The max bet has killed me more than once...thanks for the reminder...I will need to include it. When I published this I was thinking it would be two parts...now...?
I have to admit...as an intellectual exercise...this won't be very intellectual...but it is fun.
Thanks!
Thomas
Whatever you do, Thomas, do not ride the Viking ship at the Nevada State Fair. It does nothing but go back and forth. And back and forth. I didn't throw up until I got to Sparks. I was glad they had that fancy sidewalk with the fancy garbage can. At that time, it was all about street improvement. All I cared about was finding a place to puke. Then there was the night in Reno when all the hotel rooms were taken. I stayed at this motel from the 1900s, and the woman who ran it looked like Tony Perkins. Didn't get any sleep that night. Then there was that memorable time when I drank too many sloe gin fizzes while my ex played Texas Hold-Em at the Horseshoe. The security guard had to walk me back to the room, and I was screaming the next morning because I thought my eyes would never open again. Ahhhhhhhh, so many great memories in Reno! Except for the time I was married at the Silver Bells Chapel. Ugh! Ewwwww!
I truly was wondering when you were going to introduce Dorthy... and before I even got to that part, a corner of my eye glimpsed the picture of RealHousewife.. I just had to laugh. This was awesome
I have to admit though... you have taught me one thing very important... I was soppossed to start out writing things about traveling and such... Ugh... no wonder why I ended up here. Well, at least I wont end up in Reno... I only do penny slots! More bang for your buck... or er... it takes longer to spend the buck ... err... not true either when you max bet and then it ends up costing you more than a buck for one stupid spin... ok... you get the point.
Can't wait to see what you unravel next!
- AUTHOR
Arlene...
I can envision a 'stripper scene'...it may be Chuck Heston/Planet of the Apes guy...but still...I am taking notes on Harley guys, barbecue, and Eddie Haskell... I am glad you are enjoying the ride...in lieu of 'quality useful hubs' I have decided to entertain as best I can. Part 2 should be solidified in about a week or so.
Thanks for the great suggestions!
Thomas
You are so fun to follow. I think the fried chicken at the Silver Legacy would go well with my Fig Newtons. We never made it to the Atlantis, though. We arrived when the Harley-Davidson people took over Reno, so there was no room for us. Instead, we went home. I do enjoy that 50s type casino in Sparks. I feel like I should bump into Eddie Haskell when I'm there. I also remember drinking barbeque sauce during Hot August Nights because my ribs were swimming in it. Then there were the two male strippers with the--uh, never mind. Yes, I am looking forward to Part Two!
- AUTHOR
hi Arlene...
I actually thought of you when I was typing the $7.77 because you have been there! You know what I speak of as regards the carpeting...
I can also see you at the Silver Legacy with fig newtons...the Newtons may be Sir Issac...not sure yet...
It should be an interesting Part Two.
Thanks for taking the time to read/comment!
Thomas
Thanks to you, Thomas, I have this urge to show up at the Silver Legacy buffet with an unopened package of the original Fig Newtons.
- AUTHOR
hi James...
As it happens...yes...I have thrown you under the literary bus as it were. I was typing along...nudging 3,000 words and I figured...why not. I like the notion of a story dangling out there.
To whit: APPARENTLY...I think Judy Garland is named Julie Garland...I will additionally confess...in an earlier draft she was Julie Garden...thanks for the save...needn't confuse more than I need to...
To Whit: The characters we know are Dorothy (Kelly), Scarecrow (tweaker), Cowardly Lion (Creative Voice), and Tin man (Internal CD Player). Additionally...Toto is played by the Russian Dwarf hamster and Applejack's role is, as yet, unexplained. I seem to be the narrator (dressed in traditional fare...t-shirt, etc).
Witches, monkeys, and Munchkins are still to come. You have an impressive grasp of simian-based movies and have reminded me of my favorite...Planet of the Apes (Old school...not the new stuff...just saying...). There should be a place for Planet of the Apes here...at least a Chuck Heston thing...?
In terms of 'literary bus throwing,(Under) I need to add Barber Girl up there with you...you are both to blame for this. :)
Thomas
PS...The Kong? ...Hella misunderstood.
Almost forgot! I liked the recalcitrant VCR. Great word. Got another to work in. "Conflagration!" Very cool word!
Blaming me for the idea here? Could be pretty smart... if it tanks then I'm your scapegoat! So pressure on me to come up with good suggestions!!! Lol... At least I can attempt to pull Kelly down with me although I doubt that would work. :-)
Okay, 1st I looked up Julie Garland thinking you MEANT Julie and not Judy... Then I saw your Wizard of Oz references and got confused. BTW Julie designs some neat jewelry! (www.etsy.com)
Did I miss the Wicked Witch references? And I'll be interested to see how you work in the flying monkeys! They're something I find particularly disturbing, due to the fact that in my philosophy monkeys are comedy gold! And of course the WizOfOz's monkeys are quite the contrary. I cite Bubbles, Grape Ape, Curious George, King Kong (he was misunderstood), and the all time best monkey Clyde. I say he carried Clint Eastwood's ass in that movie and I love Eastwood! For these reasons its why Planet of the Apes was so disturbing! I mean you KNOW it can only be fiction... wow tangent city here... so obviously I wanna see the monkeys do great things buddy!!!
Last comment for now... at first I thought YOU were Dorothy. Of course Kelly is much better in that role. But who is who? I only remember Dorothy and the tweaker being the scarecrow for sure... I am falling asleep though...
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Susan...
The carpet mystery? Check. As for part two...I have some ideas...I just hope they prove as disturbing as earlier ones... (They probably will). Regardless, I look forward to your reaction when they come!
Thanks,
Thomas
- AUTHOR
Kelly...
The normal procedure is not to be too solicitous of tourist, however, as I indicated...I know you so, of course, slack is cut!
I am glad you are liking it...I will see what I can do about the plaid and hair bows. I have some ideas about a tornado for part 2...unformed as yet...anyways...thanks for the comment and being such an awesome sport!
Thomas
(Tour guide)
I've always wondered about those putrid carpets in the casinos and now I know why they have them in there. What an imagination you have. Can't wait to see the second part of this Wonderful Wizard of Reno story and where it takes us.
Awww I've heard that your residents don't like tourists - they just like all the money we leave behind in our trail of tears. What a lovely imagination you have TS! I have never been to Kansas - I've heard they have horrible tornadoes and such there. Plus I don't really look good in plaid or hair bows .....ugh!
Voted up and across for the power you have to render me speechless!
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