The Wonderful Wizard of Reno...Part 3

Four out of Five Dentists agree...Starting here Will Lead to Tooth Decay and Insanity. They also agree that the Fifth Dentist...Is Just an Asshole... Click HERE to Begin the Tale at the Beginning...

I Hope you Enjoy.

I’m clutching my pudding when Dorothy comes up to me.

“What’s that about?” She asks with a quizzical look on her face.

“What do you mean?” I reply embarrassed. I move the pudding behind my back...

“Betty, the Smoking-Hot, Good Witch of your Imagination? She seems special to you.” Dorothy says matter-of-factly. “She gave you pudding. You like her pudding...” She taunts...

“Well, you know...narrative need,” I hedge before admitting, “I do like her pudding though...”

Our conversation is interrupted by the approach of Toto (the, slightly plump, Russian Dwarf hamster), Scarecrow (the Tweaker), Cowardly Lion (Creative Voice), and the Tin man (Internal CD Player). They are accompanied by a coterie of Munchkins...

Applejacks, the My Little Pony, which accompanies us, flitters about with a sense of purpose...

Scarecrow was crashing. We could tell. He had the wild eyes associated with one who was thinking about the importance of that next sack of methamphetamines. He would sell his grandma right now. I would need to keep an eye on him...

Toto, Cowardly Lion, and Tin man broach the matter at hand.

“We need to beat feet.” Announces Toto. He was wise to the ways of this odd land and so we took him at his word.

Scarecrow notices my pudding. His tweak high was crashing and he would need some sugar if he was going to continue the journey. He comes at me all smarmy...like Tweakers do...

“Hey buddy. Could I have that pudding? Do you have a cigarette, ten dollars, or a car-battery I can sell?”

As he preemptively reaches for my pudding I pull out a lighter, flick it, and jam it towards his face before telling him...

“If you touch my pudding I will set your face on fire. I’m not even lying.” He backs away insulted before hitting up Creative Voice for a smoke...

Creative Voice starts dancing around like the Cowardly Lion...throwing slow punches towards Scarecrow...

“Get away...Get away I tell you...”

“Get lost asshole.” Chimes in the Tin man...

Scarecrow sits on a rock while forlornly staring off into space. While staring (forlornly) off into space...a tooth falls out of his head and hits the dirt. He absently picks it up and places it in his shirt pocket with the two that fell out yesterday...

“Dorothy...you have kids, right?” I ask. Upon her affirmation of this fact, I relentlessly continue. “OK, so...well, you must have seen this movie a lot...what happens next?”

I am viewed with askance by Dorothy. “Are you kidding me? You’re four years older than me...you must have seen it, at least, as many times as me. They showed it every year around the holidays.”

“Yeeeeah...but a lot of hallucinogens have been taken since that last viewing and this story.” I admit. “Many of them by me...” I further clarify the record...

Dorothy considers my past stories. “OH...so that explains it...?”

“Explains what?” I ask, genuinely curious, about the answer.

“Well, you’re a writer...sort of...” Dorothy reasons, “Why not just re-watch the movie. Writers call that type of thing...research.”

“Yes...rather...no. In fact...let’s call that Plan No.” I say. “There’s a lot of singing and dancing in that one...”

“You do realize that The Wonderful Wizard of Oz is a musical, right?” Dorothy asks the question slowly...I think...to make sure that I understood the words...

“Not on my watch it isn’t.” I declare as it occurs to me that I might need to watch Kelly...just as closely as I needed to watch Scarecrow, albeit, for different reasons.

The notion of a musical didn’t seem to concern her as much as it should...

Sounding like they’d just been released from a trachea ward for midgets...or was it Dwarves? ...the coterie of Munchkins that accompanied the guys over...burst out in song....

“OOOOH...WELL...WE’RE....THE LOLLIPOP KIDS...THE LOLLIPOP KIDS...”

“OH HELL NO!” I shout. They come to a ragged and jagged halt. They begin muttering and casting dirty looks in my direction. I didn’t care. This wasn’t going to turn into a musical on my watch...

“Come on,” I announce. “Let’s beat feet out of here.” We leave...

The Munchkins let loose with a ragged cheer...

“Yaay...”

We were meandering along a yellow-brick road that was badly in need of repair. Fixing pot holes, resurfacing, and ‘street-improvements’ were the order of the day. These projects are being conducted by City of Reno employees...It serves as a timely reminder that this story is (essentially) set in Reno...

“Oh yeah,” says Cowardly Lion, “This story is (essentially) set in Reno, huh?”

“Yes.” I confirm in a self-satisfied tone. “You see how I just mixed that timely reminder in there? Clever that...”

“Good form.” Agrees Cowardly Lion.

Kelly stares at us like we’re nuts. “You know, I’ve read that the only purpose of dialogue is to move plot along...”

“It can also be used to establish character.” Points out Tin man. “I’m not sure if my music establishes character. Dialogue is best for that.” He begins humming “If I Only had a Heart...”

“This must be quite liberating for you then,” Kelly says. “Do you have anything in particular you want to say?”

Tin man (Internal CD Player) gives this some serious consideration before replying, “No.” He returns to humming, “If I only Had a Heart...”

As we round the bend, we see a Conestoga wagon drawn up in a clearing. We approach cautiously. We hear voices from within...

“I wrote The Wonderful Wizard of Oz to serve as a political parable for the Populist Movement.” States the first voice in a definitive manner. “You will notice...each character represents a segment of society during that time period. Oh...the movie was, indeed, a disservice. Far too much singing... Not a lot of singing went on in the 1890s...”

“And so the doomed populist alliance between Eastern industrial workers and Western farmers is illustrated by the roles of the Tin man and Scarecrow, respectively?” Says a familiar voice...

Kelly and I look at each other in amazement, “Nuh-uh!” We rush the door...

Inside the wagon are two chairs and a small table which sports a crystal ball. In one chair was L. Frank Baum pontificating on his motivations for penning his original book. His, however, wasn’t the voice Kelly and I recognized. That voice was attached to the body standing in front of the other chair...noted Hubber and historian...Alastar Packer.

Awkwardness...Number one...

A diligent scholar of history, Alastar effortlessly blends historical facts with a narrative flair that is truly awe inspiring. The back-blast of the cannon is fully experienced by the reader after being placed squarely in the heat of Battle at Camden or Eutaw Springs. He is also a conscientious chronicler of the paranormal.

His was an impressive Curriculum Vitas; including, a stint as a contest judge, for the prestigious Hubsville, Patron of the Arts Contest.

I did not win that particular contest and, this fact, was the basis of Creative Voice’s role as the Cowardly Lion (you may remember from Part One) being afraid of Contest Judges.

This, however, was not the basis of ‘Awkwardness...Number one’ ...Nope. I very well think that MAY be the basis of ‘Awkwardness...Number two’ ...but not ‘Awkwardness...Number one’. Nope.

‘Awkwardness...Number one’ was based on the fact that Alastar was standing there with only one leg in his pants. Now...I had heard that Contest Judges put their pants on “one leg at a time,” and I have certainly made my peace with that.

The question remains...why was he doing that here in a Conestoga wagon, in the middle of my story, with L. Frank Baum in attendance? Awkwardness...Number one...

“You’re an asshole Thomas.” Alastar states after reading the last paragraph.

Kelly giggles...

Awkwardness...Number two...

The Cowardly Lion sees Alastar and his blood boils. He comes running over...

“Put ‘em Up!! Put ‘em Up!!” The Cowardly Lion challenges Alastar...

Alastar smashes him in the face and drops him to the ground. After about twenty minutes, he revives and I inform him that we needed to switch some stuff around...he wasn’t afraid of contest judges anymore...

After all...there may be another contest one day...

*Pop-pop*

The Cowardly Lion reverts to Creative Voice.

“Hey Kelly. How Yooou Doing...?” Creative Voice says to Kelly. ”I dig flannel...”

Kelly giggles...

Alastar finishes putting on his pants...

Far off in the distance...we hear the Munchkins let loose with a ragged cheer...

“Yaay...”

“You’re an asshole Thomas.” Alastar states after reading how the Munchkins responded to him putting on his pants....

Kelly giggles...

“Be that as it may,” I willingly admit. “We should smoke some weed.”

“You mean?” Asks a suddenly excited, and forgiving, Alastar.

“Yes. The finest rolled blunt of Blue-Berry Yum-Yum Bud!”

Alastar and Creative Voice shriek like nine-year old girls at a Justin Bieber concert as we pile into the wagon. I consider deleting the reference to Alastar shrieking like a nine-year old girl...

After all...there may be another contest one day...

I get distracted...

“Hey can I get in on that?” Asks a nervous Scarecrow...

“NO!” Choruses, Alastar, myself, Kelly, Creative Voice, Tin Man, and Toto. Applejacks doesn’t express an opinion...

“Fuck off.” Contributes L. Frank Baum.

“You have a substance abuse problem.” I inform him. “It’s probably best if you were not tempted...go commune with nature of something.” I slam the door and lock it. Scarecrow wanders off into the woods...

Awkwardness...Number three...

In the process of hot-boxing the shit out of the wagon...we discussed where the story was going and what role Creative Voice should play in it...this leads to Awkwardness...Number three...

“We have to have a Cowardly Lion.” Says Dorothy. “We just need him to be afraid of something else...other than Alastar, I mean.”

Alastar passes the blunt to Tin man before coughing...and then saying...

“Surely Thomas, you must have, any number, of deep-seated fears that he can represent throughout the rest of the story?”

“Well sure...” I hesitate...

Writing is supposed to be a soul cleansing process, but I hadn’t planned on having a cleansing enema of my fears and insecurities today and when having a cleansing enema...it’s always best to schedule it in advance.

Awkwardness...Number three...

“He can represent your fears associated with Betty, the Smoking-Hot, Good Witch of your Imagination!” Exclaims Kelly. “You are aware that she’s WAY out of your league, aren’t you...?”

“I have awareness.” I acknowledge absently while pondering how NOT to acquiesce to this idea. I mean...I wouldn’t want Betty reading this and thinking I’m a dork or something...there’s plenty of time for her to learn that on her own...she’s a very smart girl...

“I think narrative need would be better served by having him be afraid of Serb-speaking Norwegians with Russian accents.” I announce.

*Pop-pop*

Creative Voice reverts to The Cowardly Lion.

“Put ‘em Up Norwegians! Put ‘em Up!”

“Have you even read my book?” L. Frank Baum asks disgustedly while camping on the blunt....

“No.” I admit before complaining. “Stop camping on that blunt. This ain’t no K.O.A.” L. Frank Baum takes two quick hits before passing the blunt along to Kelly...

Internal CD Player had never gotten high before. He’s a 1990s media device without lips, lungs, or fingers with, which, to hold a joint. As Tin man...with lips, lungs, and fingers...he was getting crazy fucked up. He begins playing some righteous improvisational Jazz...It’s a nice accompaniment to the discussion...

An hour later, we pile out of the wagon like Sean Penn’s character, Jeff Spicoli, in Fast Times at Ridgemont High...the escaping Blue-Berry Yum-yum smoke rushes around us and wafts into the air...

“OK. So where was that one thing we said earlier that was found near a tree?” I asked.

“Huh?” Answers Alastar.

“What?” Mumbled a few others...

“Lizard!” Bursts out Kelly with a laugh...

Tin man adds to the confusion, “Sharron Angle looks like she has a gizzard!” He lets loose with some steam from his hat...

We all start laughing...

Narrative flow slows down for awhile...

Sadly...all good things end. Our peak passes as we focus...and made some observations...

Far off in the distance...we hear the Munchkins let loose with a ragged cheer...

“Yaay...”

Scarecrow was gone...

Dorothy was bare foot...nice feet...but still...where are the Ruby slippers?

“Hey?” I observe. “You have pretty feet...but where are the Ruby slippers? I think we need those...?”

“What the fuck?” Says a surprised Kelly.

“Scarecrow!” We all reached the same conclusion.

“Let’s kill him.” Decides L. Frank Baum coldly.

“BURN HIM!” Call out Cowardly Lion, Tin man, and Alastar... “BURN HIM!”

Applejacks starts flying around in distress. Toto notices two separate trails heading in the same general direction into the woods. One trail is composed of fallen pieces of straw...the other? Puppy chow mix?

We follow...

(End of Part 3)

(Part 1) (Part 2)(Part 4)(Part 5) (Part 6)(Part 7)(Part 8)(Part 9)(Part 10)