Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Do With Your Microwave

Dry Clothes

I have heard of people drying their socks and their underwear in the microwave. Personally, I couldn’t do it. While I do see how convenient it is, the idea of cooking my “delicates” in the same place that I pop my corn is too much for me. Also, the combination of scents (Do spaghetti sauce and mountain fresh smell good together?) might be too much for me. I might become so enthralled with these new scents that coming up with new combinations (Lavender and fish tacos? No! Lavender and spinach pie! Yes! There’s the magic!) might become an obsession. Plus, if you leave the garment in too long you might cause a fire (Mr. Firefighter, I can explain.). Zapping your clothes is not so much of a good idea.

Dry Hair

So you’re sick of standing there, drying your hair. Out of the corner of your eye you see your microwave. An idea pops into your head. My advice is for you to pop that idea out immediately. Sure, it would cut the time in half, but is it really worth risking your life over? Setting your hair on fire would only mean you’d have to douse it with water and then you’d have wet hair again. Also, have you smelled burnt hair? Gross! Save yourself the embarrassment and just use a blow dryer. Better yet, don’t wash your hair in the first place. Just throw some baby powder on your head. It soaks up the grease and leaves you smelling fresh. Yeah, you’ll look silly with clumps of powder in your hair, but, if you do it right, you might even start a new trend.

Bake Ceramics

Don’t even think about baking your ceramics in your microwave. It just doesn’t work. All you will have is a microwave full of clay and a big mess. Take the time to do it right. Your pottery will thank you.

As A Time Machine

Unfortunately, we live in the real world where someone has yet to invent a time machine out of a microwave. I know you miss the way your life used to be. I know you would love to meet famous people of the past. However, your microwave can’t magically transport you to a time long ago. I’m sorry, but, as far as I know, your microwave can only cook food that tastes like it was packaged long ago. Don’t waste your time trying to convince your microwave to take you to Ancient Rome. If you do, your microwave will only sit there, staring at you, internally laughing at how much of a silly human you are.

As A Flotation Device

Let’s pretend that your house is suddenly flooded. Your doors won’t open. You are tired from banging on windows and swimming from floor to floor. You need something to use as a flotation device, but your microwave should not be it. Yes, you could always rely on your microwave to save you from hunger by heating your food. However, your microwave will sink and, meaning to or not, pull you down with it. You will die at the hands of your microwave. In a flood, your microwave is not your friend. Remember that.

A Babysitter Does Not A Microwave Make

For the past month, you’ve been looking forward to going to see your favorite band in concert. You bought some new, “hip” clothes. You booked a reliable babysitter. Your co-parent got you guys' reservations at a trendy restaurant by the venue. It’s going to be a good night. However, a couple of hours before the concert, your babysitter calls to say a close relative has died and that they can’t pull themselves together enough to care for your baby. As you are a compassionate person, you don’t beg for them to reconsider. You and your co-parent spend the next hour calling people to see if they can take your child for a few hours. No one can. You have to decide now if you want to call your co-parent’s uncouth, overbearing mother or if you can handle missing the concert. As you stare at the blinking timer on the microwave, an idea starts to formulate. “You’ll love it so much that it’ll become a member of the family.” the box had said. Can you leave the baby with the microwave? It is a member of the family after all. The baby will be fine. You won’t be gone for long either. It seems like a simple solution but look more closely. There’s something wrong here. What it is? Oh yes! You’re leaving your baby with a machine! Stop considering this as an option and call that foul-mouthed beast already! Jeez! Don’t you know that microwaves don’t know the first thing about childcare? Now vacuums…

A Dating No-No

You are so sick of being single. Why do your friends have all of the luck? You’re intelligent. You’re funny. You're easy on the eyes. Where is the one for you? Suddenly, your microwave “dings” to tell you that it’s done preparing your food. You look at your microwave as if seeing it for the first time. Your microwave is so kind, dependable and selfless. Each night, without fail, it cooks your dinner, and it doesn’t expect anything in return. Until now, you didn’t realize how incredible your microwave is. You remove your meal from the microwave and shyly whisper, “Thanks.” You eat your meal, occasionally looking at the microwave and blushing. Before you know it, you’re going on and on about your childhood and the things you’re passionate about. Once you are too tired to speak, you get up and tell your microwave you’re going to bed. You thank your microwave for a great dinner and give it a quick kiss. You poor, lonely soul! You’ve just gone on a date with your microwave. This is not good. Someone as sophisticated as you shouldn’t be dating kitchen tools. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up marrying the refrigerator. Run to a speed dating event this minute. You might end up talking to some real losers, but at least they’ll be human. It’s time to leave your comfort zone. The microwave will understand.

Create Life

Is your last name Frankenstein? If not, don’t try to create life using your microwave. I know the temptation is there. While the good doctor had to wait for a storm to do his work, you could do it any time. However, it’s not a good idea. For one thing, someone is bound to see you digging for limbs. For another, your microwave will only cook not re-animate. To save yourself from having to smell that, don’t do it. Plain and simple.

Safe

Under no circumstances should you use your microwave as a safe. For one thing, the door of a microwave is too easy to open. Yes, you could chain it shut or something, but wouldn’t that make the contents obvious to a thief? Second, what happens when you want to use the microwave for its real purpose? It would stink if you accidentally cooked your (insert object of value that you wouldn't want cooked here). In short, if you truly value your valuables, don’t store them in a microwave. It is not safe to use a microwave as a safe.

What Did You Do To The Fish?!?

As a joke, you’ve emptied the contents of your roommate’s fish tank into a bag and hid it in the microwave. When they get home, you’ll call their attention to the tank and watch as they freak out about their missing fish. No harm will come to these fish. It’s just a prank...right? While you’re taking a shower, your roommate arrives home. They go into the kitchen, pop a cup of soup into the microwave and, without paying attention, turn the microwave on. They go into the living room and yell for you to come in. “Where are the fish?” they ask. You’re laughing until you hear the microwave “ding.” “Oh, God!” you cry. The moral of this story is, don’t use the microwave as a place to store fish. It never ends well.