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Unicycle Mudhill Climb Semifinals
Well, Mom and Dad! I’m sure that you’re really glad right now that you packed up the SUV and brought the whole family along to the afternoon’s thrilling heat of this year’s 17th Annual Randy Roarmouth’s Rib Rotisserie & Rhubarb Rhapsody Unicycle Mudhill Climb Semifinals in pretty Pine Knob, Kentucky!
That’s right! Here we all are, surrounded by some of The Bluegrass State’s finer glories! We are gathered just outside the lovely little town of Horse Cave, with its pretty girls, shiny pick-ups, feisty ponies, strong coffee, and good ol’ traditional American values! (Don’t forget tomorrow morning’s all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast at Ma Ma Rainey’s on Courthouse Square, next to the backwoods crafts and curios shop!) We are enjoying the sun of a fine fall day, just a skosh north of scenic Barren River Lake and its miles of lazy Saturday afternoon trout-leapin’ skinny-dippin’ Southern-Comfort-sippin’ shoreline. And not much more than a few good horseshoe tosses from the glorious pastoral grandeur of our own Mammoth Cave National Park.
And isn’t this some special sight to see this afternoon! That telegenic terror of the uphill unicycle circuit, young Brad ‘Rad’ Bradford! Stellar Number 3 in his signature all white uniform and black-out helmet! Performing his classic, perfectly balanced ‘Look, Ma, no hands!’ move! In the midst of one of the fastest unicycle climbs seen so far this season! On the slopes of that monstrously mucky and massive mud mountain, the CycleSucker!
If you’ve followed the career of Rad at all, you know he’s a unicycle star in the making! Son of the famed daredevil unicyclist Tad ‘’Bad’ Bradford — and, by the way, let us just take a moment to bow our heads and cross our hearts in memory of that recently deceased but sincerely beloved peddler and risk-taker, who just 90 days ago today lost his bid to become the first rider of a single-wheeled self-powered chain-driven banana-seated vehicle to successfully leap across a river canyon filled with 42,000 stampeding long-horned Brahma bulls that had first been hit with pepper spray, loud noises, insults to their parentage, and cattle prods — Rad learned real early in life just what it takes to make it in the unicycling pantheon. And he’s certainly living up to his Daddy’s legacy today! Just look’t that boy go!
You might note, as Rad chugs and churns his way up that oozing slope, that he’s making his way atop a patented tire of his very own invention! Coupling radial tire technology with special nano-cavity suction treads and super-slippery polybutylate nubbing in a unique and complex grooving pattern, the Radster Roadster has been helping Rad set record times on just about every pile of dirt he’s encountered this season! That wheel is so good that there’s even been some talk of a movement among competing unicyclists to try to convene a special investigative committee of the UUUU (the Undying Union of United Unicyclists) to outlaw the Radster Roadster as non-compliant with tournament equipment rules and specifications.
But until and unless that day comes along, our boy Rad will just keep burning up those mudhill tracks (and burning up his failing competitors in the process)!
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