Gabriel's Groans: When My Family Visit, They Start to Smell Like Fish!

When I was little my Gran used to say, "Visitors are like fish they start to smell after a few days." My innocent or ignorant whichever way you see best thought she was being funny, not really having a clue what she meant. Ignorance for all the wrong reasons is truly bliss. Unfortunately for me, if there was an exam in the visitors and fish category I'd get an A+. Benjamin Franklin and my Gran share similar words, however no truer words were said.

A couple of weeks ago, my phone rang. I answered as always with a husky, ''Hello there.'' Well you never know.

My sister's voice barked down the phone. ''Got a cold or something?''

To say I grimmaced is a lie. I tried to pretend I was the answering machine and carried on with ''I'm not here right noo...''

Only to be rudely interrupted. ''Stop being silly, and guess what?'' she asked.

''You're moving to Australia which means you'll only ring me once a year, cause of the cost of the phone call?'' I chirped back, smiling to myself with great expectation.

''Ha! ha! very funny. No, we're coming out to see you.''

I sat down with a thump, and stammered. ''Here!''

''Of course, it's great isn't it. We got cheep flights so we're all coming.'' We're all coming! those words started to assault my brain matter. All; that normally means all, as in all the chocolate's are eaten or all the gin is gone. I don't do all.

''Cheap flights?'' was all I could say.

''Yeah this saturday.'' My sister answered. I would have given them the difference in flights to fly any where in the world, or the universe. How much are those tickets to fly to the moon? Please God, let the plane be delayed for the whole week.

I never watch the Simpson's, because quite frankly they remind me too much of my family and as you've probably worked out I see more than enough of them. No mountain to high, stayed on my lips till the day they arrived. It seemed so rude to sing it out loud, so I was pretty annoyed when no one noticed. Big Sis, bro in law and the TWINS all arrived safe and sound, actually 30 mins early with the wind beneath their wings. How thoughtful! I now know God hates me.

Having sorted out the sleeping arrangements, which left yours truly sleeping on the couch, next up was dinner. I'm bewildered that my sister can't cook, however it's an evil I am left to suffer when God lowers the flight prices and she comes to visit. Having experienced my sisters lack of cooking skills, I would rather not repeat the same offence. Last time she made a lasagna, and gave the leftovers to my dog, he died the following week. I know deep in my heart it had nothing to do with old age. I mean 17, is the new 10 in dog years.

Why is it that when people visit you, they eat all your food. I mean the TWINS don't eat this, don't eat that, yet when the visit me I fear for my furniture, not to mention my pet birds. One of the little buggers even ate my cheese plant.

My sister is an ex nurse and persistently voices her concern for my liver. I have mentioned on more than a million occasions that perhaps if she stayed at home my liver would suffer a great deal less, as would my bank balance. The first bottle of wine only manages to slightly dull the pain, and that's a couple of weeks after they've gone back.

The other thing that really bugs me when people visit, they drink all my booze. I think that's damn rude. I'm the only one that drinks all my booze. I don't understand why tee-totalers morph into alcoholics with the stamina of a bull, when they set foot on my turf. It's not just the wine, it's my vast collection of spirits that whittle away to half a measure, not even enough for a single drink.

Why can everyone find a wine glass, but never find the water in the tap to wash it and put it back. Then there's my beer! And stop using all the ice and then putting the tray back empty aah!

A week of playing cook, cleaner, baby sitter (that was quite pleasurable, sitting on the TWINS) mediator between them and me (they don't understand me, I don't want to understand them) and getting to the fridge first has been a challenge even I failed to accomplish. My plants are wilted (the ones that survived) and my birds stopped chirping. My family however; had a wonderful holiday, praising my attention and great selection of food and beverages. They basked in the sun and slouched on my couch. Dog eared pages in my favorite books. They ate, drank and slept better then they do at home. See how hopeless am I! In my head I'm a fierce shark, in reality the shark is always on my tail.

To say my families visit was exhausting is laughable, as in a high shrieking type of laughter verging on the manic scale. If my washing machine could speak, it would ask about those tickets to the moon. My kitchen has never been so utilized since I moved in and thank heaven for tiles. They don't get thread bare. I have never realized the virtue of having collectable bins outside, which are free. Being honest my sister told me, although I have a feeling your not suppose to fill all four. Sleeping on the couch resulted in an expense I hadn't counted on, however, I'm slowly getting over it, and the physio is kinda cute. Let's just say I'm perfecting my husky voice. Oh! and my answer machine one to...