ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Gabriel's Groans: When My Family Visit, They Start to Smell Like Fish!

Updated on June 28, 2014
When Family Come to Visit! Send them in that direction...
When Family Come to Visit! Send them in that direction...
Simply outrageous...
Simply outrageous...
Chef de Pairti... has left the building...
Chef de Pairti... has left the building...
Exhausted
Exhausted
It's aa...aa... SHARK... No it's only sis
It's aa...aa... SHARK... No it's only sis
Fly me to the moon...
Fly me to the moon...

When I was little my Gran used to say. 'Visitors are like fish they start to smell after a few days.' My innocent self thought she was being funny, not really having a clue what she meant. Ignorance for all the wrong reasons is truly bliss. Unfortunately for me, if there was an exam in the visitors and fish category I'd get an A+. Benjamin Franklin and my Gran may share similar words, however no truer words were said.

A couple of weeks ago, my phone rang. I answered as always with a husky, ''Hello there.'' Well you never know.

My sister's voice barked down the phone. ''Got a cold or something?''

To say I grimmaced is a lie. I tried to pretend I was the answering machine and carried on with ''I'm not here right noo...''

Only to be rudely interrupted. ''Stop being silly, and guess what?'' she asked.

''You're moving to Australia which means you'll only ring me once a year, cause of the cost of the phone call?'' I chirped back, smiling to myself with great expectation.

''Ha! ha! very funny. No, we're coming out to see you.''

I sat down with a thump, and stammered. ''Here!''

''Of course, it's great isn't it. We got cheep flights so we're all coming.'' We're all coming! those words started to assault my brain matter. All; that normally means all, as in all the chocolate's are eaten or all the gin is gone. I don't do all.

''Cheap flights?'' was all I could say.

''Yeah this saturday.'' My sister answered. I would have given them the difference in flights to fly any where in the world, or the universe. How much are those tickets to fly to the moon? Please God, let the plane be delayed for the whole week.

I never watch the Simpson's, because quite frankly they remind me too much of my family and as you've probably worked out I see more than enough of them. No mountain to high, stayed on my lips till the day they arrived. It seemed so rude to sing it out loud, so I was pretty annoyed when no one noticed. Big Sis, bro in law and the TWINS all arrived safe and sound, actually 30 mins early with the wind beneath their wings. How thoughtful! I now know God hates me.

Having sorted out the sleeping arrangements, which left yours truly sleeping on the couch, next up was dinner. I'm bewildered that my sister can't cook, however it's an evil I am left to suffer when God lowers the flight prices and she comes to visit. Having experienced my sisters lack of cooking skills, I would rather not repeat the same offence. Last time she made a lasagna, and gave the leftovers to my dog, he died the following week. I know deep in my heart it had nothing to do with old age. I mean 17, is the new 10 in dog years.

Why is it that when people visit you, they eat all your food. I mean the TWINS don't eat this, don't eat that, yet when the visit me I fear for my furniture, not to mention my pet birds. One of the little buggers even ate my cheese plant.

My sister is an ex nurse and persistently voices her concern for my liver. I have mentioned on more than a million occasions that perhaps if she stayed at home my liver would suffer a great deal less, as would my bank balance. The first bottle of wine only manages to slightly dull the pain, and that's a couple of weeks after they've gone back.

The other thing that really bugs me when people visit, they drink all my booze. I think that's damn rude. I'm the only one that drinks all my booze. I don't understand why tee-totalers morph into alcoholics with the stamina of a bull, when they set foot on my turf. It's not just the wine, it's my vast collection of spirits that whittle away to half a measure, not even enough for a single drink.

Why can everyone find a wine glass, but never find the water in the tap to wash it and put it back. Then there's my beer! And stop using all the ice and then putting the tray back empty aah!

A week of playing cook, cleaner, baby sitter (that was quite pleasurable, sitting on the TWINS) mediator between them and me (they don't understand me, I don't want to understand them) and getting to the fridge first has been a challenge even I failed to accomplish. My plants are wilted (the ones that survived) and my birds stopped chirping. My family however; had a wonderful holiday, praising my attention and great selection of food and beverages. They basked in the sun and slouched on my couch. Dog eared pages in my favorite books. They ate, drank and slept better then they do at home. See how hopeless am I! In my head I'm a fierce shark, in reality the shark is always on my tail.

To say my families visit was exhausting is laughable, as in a high shrieking type of laughter verging on the manic scale. If my washing machine could speak, it would ask about those tickets to the moon. My kitchen has never been so utilized since I moved in and thank heaven for tiles. They don't get thread bare. I have never realized the virtue of having collectable bins outside, which are free. Being honest my sister told me, although I have a feeling your not suppose to fill all four. Sleeping on the couch resulted in an expense I hadn't counted on, however, I'm slowly getting over it, and the physio is kinda cute. Let's just say I'm perfecting my husky voice. Oh! and my answer machine one to...


Copyright:

© 2010 Gabriel Wilson All Rights Reserved

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Gabriel Wilson profile imageAUTHOR

      Gabriel Wilson 

      6 years ago from Madeira, Portugal

      Tanx for reading and for your time :)

    • tapasrecipe profile image

      tapasrecipe 

      6 years ago from Spanish tapas land

      Really funny, this is just what i have been looking for today,

      voted up and shared.Cariie ;-)

    • Gabriel Wilson profile imageAUTHOR

      Gabriel Wilson 

      6 years ago from Madeira, Portugal

      Tanx for reading and I'm delighted you liked it :)

    • Sanjida Alam profile image

      Sanjida Alam 

      6 years ago from Bangladesh

      OMG it was so funny! You are a great writer.

    • Gabriel Wilson profile imageAUTHOR

      Gabriel Wilson 

      6 years ago from Madeira, Portugal

      Hi nemanjaboskov. No way I'd leave them alone in my house. I'd come back to a hell whole. I was kinda hoping I could board up the house and stick a for sale sign outside and just do a bunk for a couple a weeks.

      Tanx for popping in :)

    • nemanjaboskov profile image

      Nemanja Boškov 

      6 years ago from Serbia

      Gabriel, this was hilarious! I can't wait for June to hear about their new visit - as I am sure you will not go away and leave the house to them, right?

    • Gabriel Wilson profile imageAUTHOR

      Gabriel Wilson 

      6 years ago from Madeira, Portugal

      Hi xstatic. No she didn't, maybe she should, she might get the hint.

      She's coming again too in June for three weeks. I've already got my bags packed cos I'm outta here! My gardens not big enough to hide the bodies.

      Thanks for reading and nice to meet you :)

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 

      6 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Wonderful! If I hadn't just started following you, I would now. This is one of the funniest Hubs I have read.

      Very clever writing. UP & Shared. (did your sister read it?)

      By the way, I heard this morning that the Springfield where the Simpsons live is the adjacent town here in Oregon. Citizens there must feel honored!?

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)