When Women Hate Women's Work: Tips for Training Your Woman and Getting Her Working

Does the woman in your life hate to do her duty? Is it a struggle to get her to do things like wash the dishes, pick up your dirty socks, and carry your spawn while managing a high-powered career that will allow you to retire early? This is a very common problem that often arises from a lack of understanding about how to handle female ownership. Women are very complicated creatures who require a lot more guidance, correction, and praise than any other critter you might have. Problems generally arise out of one of two issues – handler inexperience, or insufficient training. The good news is that this is relatively easy to fix with a few simple techniques; women just need some proper male guidance to truly excel at the work for which they were born.

Remind Her of Her Responsibilities

You know, sometimes women just have difficulty keeping everything straight in their heads and need you to let them know where they’ve strayed. Don’t be afraid to walk her through the house and point out the areas where she hasn’t performed satisfactorily. Remember to be very specific -- it’s not just that the living room isn’t clean, it’s that there’s dust on the vent covers and the door hinges lack proper shine. If she starts doing something outside of her set of responsibilities such as read a book, engage in artsy pursuits, or peruse college course catalogs, feel free to remind her that her job is, primarily, to cater to your every need. Until this is accomplished, she should not let herself be distracted by other aspirations.

Oversee Her Every Move

Just to make sure she really understands what really needs to be done, follow her around for a while and make sure she’s using her time as efficiently as possible. Distractions are inevitable, and she needs to be able to trust that you’ll be there to redirect her if a phone call or family emergency should pull her from her obligations. A little bit of encouragement is fine, and will help keep her moving in the right direction -- "Look on the bright side. If you keep cooking like this, maybe you'll lose some weight."

Offer Advice Where Needed

Letting her know when something isn’t right is helpful to a point but, using your superior male intellect, you may be able to offer tips that will help her throughout the performance of her duties. Again, remember to be specific – i.e. “I noticed your sister did ____ with her hair and it looked so much better.” “My ex-wife had some great ideas about that. Here’s her number if you’d like to ask her some questions.” “Maybe you should ask your mom, I’m sure she can help you with that.”

Give Praise When Appropriate

Some men fall into the trap of giving out praise far too freely -- some even as often as once or twice a month. Reserve your praise for instances when your woman does something truly exceptional, and let her know why it’s exceptional (“Wow, my own mother has rarely done better!” “Are you sure you didn’t have any help? I’ve never seen you do so well!”). However, once she’s accomplished this hurdle, be sure to raise the bar for the next offering of praise. If you don’t continue to raise your expectations, then she won’t feel sufficiently challenged and won’t try hard enough.

Apply Corrective Measures

Despite your best efforts, sometimes these more sensitive approaches just don’t work. Women can be stubborn at times, especially if they have not yet learned who the real boss is, and need some form of correction to steer them back on course. Luckily, there are many readily available tools that have proven to be useful in the training process, including remote-control shock collars, locking gates on kitchen exits, and cattle prods.

Disclaimer: Women can be vicious and will bite if provoked, and have been known to launch household missiles at their handlers. The author is not responsible for injury or death related to use of training techniques. Protective equipment such as athletic cups, Kevlar vests and helmets, and metal detectors strongly recommended. Side effects include lead poisoning, reason for paranoia, genital loss, and visits from assassins. Mixing these techniques with sleep is potentially fatal.