Why Vampires Make Terrible Co-Workers
And You think YOUR Co-Workers were Bad
It is evident that Stephanie Meyer never worked with a vampire.
You can just tell by her writing style. Oh sure, it’s overly simplistic and has as much intellectual content as Fifty Shades of Grey, but there really is nothing in her books to suggest how a vampire would behave at a copying machine.
The digestible amount of prose I could absorb from her book mentioned a doctor was the head of the "good" vampire clan. This is truly a case of a man who likes drinking on the job and also a case of a terrified staff who hopes their boss never goes on a bender.
When you really look at the logistical problems of working with one of the Nosferatu, you're required to do a lot more prep work before going on the night shift. You also need certain survival techniques more complex than staying awake in the middle of a 2: AM conference call to the Far East.
Your new undead co-workers have a few distinct advantages in the work place. There are little things you should worry about like their preternatural speed, their uncontrollable thirst for that red stuff that beats in your body, and the fact that vampires always look infinitely cooler in whatever they wear.
That last item always lets them cheat in a company’s dress code.
What monster is most likely roaming your office?
What You REALLY Need to Worry About
The first thing every IT person working the night shift has to know is that every vampire that’s been living for at least 200 years, will always have better hardware than you’ll ever have. Unless the company you work for are real procurement Nazis, the guy who can live on a stolen warm protein drink and has no real things to spend his disposable income on - other than cool toys.
Plus, who watches anything that the night shift does?
Your bloodsucker co-worker will lure your IT crew to his cubical and show him the latest expensive gadgets acquired from The Sharper Image. Suddenly, when the tech is concentrating on the monitor, your professional "Dracula" will sink his teeth into some obscure free flowing vein that can be hidden under your tech's work clothes..
Also, you'll need to adjust to a vampire's topsy-turvy schedule. They've been working it since they became supernatural parasites. While you're struggling to stay away and alert, with black coffee, green teas, and Red Bull, they’re in their natural element. Stress, boredom, and lack of sleep can cost you your immortal soul.
They have every advantage in every meeting.
Their natural talent at instantaneous eye contact hypnosis make them a force to be reckoned with in any kind of negotiation. That skill will put them at the very top of the CEO’s financial bonus list. Any employee looking to exceed expectations on their sales quota should know that the vampires are cheating.
Also, as they no longer urinate, they can outlast you in any conference call debate. Most people are thrown off by that kind of imminent bladder pressure and will resort to the use of some kind of hidden colostomy bag.
The secret on how to beat these fiends at your work place is in your daily preparation. Use the rules of Sun Szu to know your enemy and work your battlefield to your advantage.
I recommend the following:
- Use a “cane” – Almost any doctor can write a note that you’ve injured your knee doing chores around the house. If you have a wooden cane with you at all times, you can be prepared for most vampiric eventualities. A wooden cane can easily be sharpened to a stake-like end and camouflaged with a false blunt end in the event that any of your immortal co-workers gets out of line and visits your cubical at unexpected moments. A good janitorial service can get rid of any ichor stains in your office.
- Keep a mirror in your office – Vampires can look just like anyone else. Some are notorious shape changers. Dracula, himself, transformed himself into a much younger man to seduce young women in London. They don’t always wear cool black custom tailored outfits and show their fangs at every meeting. Sometimes they just wear a tie and jacket. It’s best to have your own little acid test in your office. If your 1:AM meeting doesn’t cast a reflection, you may wish to have a trusted co-worker with you to "keep the minutes".
- Get the silver plated Cross pen set as well as the silver plated cross – While it’s almost always frowned upon to keep religious artifacts out on your desk, there is nothing wrong with using a silver plated pen and pencil set. You can also fashion a crucifix from stuff in your office supply cabinet - and holy water can be kept in your breast pocket.
If you go into negotiations with a vampire and you feel that there is a strong possibility of “persuasion”, get them to sign any document with your special silver pen. The burning from the silver should get them to break their concentration long enough for you to get a better negotiating position.
- Garlic for lunch, again? – Most people keep a bowl of candies to invite co-workers and subordinates into their office. It encourages an open office policy. Keep a bowl of fresh garlic knots in a silver bowl and see what happens. Those of you who are of Italian descent will have an easier time getting a consistent garlic fueled lunch which – while making you quite unpopular around vampires – should work as a great antioxidant toward blood diseases.
Vampires on Amazon
You will never know if a Nosferatu is working in your company.
However there are some telltale signs that may indicate there is definitely something awry. Be on the lookout for co-workers taking excessive sick days, unexpected deaths, pale complexions in people you’ve known for years, and the new guy that never seems to be around for “picture day”.
If you find yourself with several gaps in your day where you have no idea where the time went and strange rashes that have developed on any of your major arteries, you might have a vampire on your staff.
While from a sales standpoint a vampire is certainly a good team member to have and makes that bottom line profit figure stand out, you must remember that having a team at their level best is what makes a company run properly. When half the members are being eaten and the other half are trying to "rid the world of their unholy filth", you'll never get the right amount of synergy.
You should also remember that from an insurance standpoint excessive casualties in your staff will make your group term life insurance benefits rates go up with every mysterious loss.
In the end, though, as a manager, you should carefully assess whether having a vampire on your staff is a win/win or just something you can you to keep human resources off your back.
© 2013 Christopher Peruzzi