ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Why Vampires Make Terrible Co-Workers

Updated on February 2, 2013
cperuzzi profile image

Christopher Peruzzi was the creator of Vikar's Rant back in the early 2000s. It was a site for rants and jokes. He has since calmed down.

Your new co-worker
Your new co-worker | Source

And You think YOUR Co-Workers were Bad

It is evident that Stephanie Meyer never worked with a vampire.

You can just tell by her writing style. Oh sure, it’s overly simplistic and has as much intellectual content as Fifty Shades of Grey, but there really is nothing in her books to suggest how a vampire would behave at a copying machine.

The digestible amount of prose I could absorb from her book mentioned a doctor was the head of the "good" vampire clan. This is truly a case of a man who likes drinking on the job and also a case of a terrified staff who hopes their boss never goes on a bender.

When you really look at the logistical problems of working with one of the Nosferatu, you're required to do a lot more prep work before going on the night shift. You also need certain survival techniques more complex than staying awake in the middle of a 2: AM conference call to the Far East.

Your new undead co-workers have a few distinct advantages in the work place. There are little things you should worry about like their preternatural speed, their uncontrollable thirst for that red stuff that beats in your body, and the fact that vampires always look infinitely cooler in whatever they wear.

That last item always lets them cheat in a company’s dress code.

What monster is most likely roaming your office?

See results

What You REALLY Need to Worry About

The first thing every IT person working the night shift has to know is that every vampire that’s been living for at least 200 years, will always have better hardware than you’ll ever have. Unless the company you work for are real procurement Nazis, the guy who can live on a stolen warm protein drink and has no real things to spend his disposable income on - other than cool toys.

Plus, who watches anything that the night shift does?

Your bloodsucker co-worker will lure your IT crew to his cubical and show him the latest expensive gadgets acquired from The Sharper Image. Suddenly, when the tech is concentrating on the monitor, your professional "Dracula" will sink his teeth into some obscure free flowing vein that can be hidden under your tech's work clothes..

Also, you'll need to adjust to a vampire's topsy-turvy schedule. They've been working it since they became supernatural parasites. While you're struggling to stay away and alert, with black coffee, green teas, and Red Bull, they’re in their natural element. Stress, boredom, and lack of sleep can cost you your immortal soul.

They have every advantage in every meeting.

Their natural talent at instantaneous eye contact hypnosis make them a force to be reckoned with in any kind of negotiation. That skill will put them at the very top of the CEO’s financial bonus list. Any employee looking to exceed expectations on their sales quota should know that the vampires are cheating.

Also, as they no longer urinate, they can outlast you in any conference call debate. Most people are thrown off by that kind of imminent bladder pressure and will resort to the use of some kind of hidden colostomy bag.

Your Tactics

The secret on how to beat these fiends at your work place is in your daily preparation. Use the rules of Sun Szu to know your enemy and work your battlefield to your advantage.

I recommend the following:

  • Use a “cane” – Almost any doctor can write a note that you’ve injured your knee doing chores around the house. If you have a wooden cane with you at all times, you can be prepared for most vampiric eventualities. A wooden cane can easily be sharpened to a stake-like end and camouflaged with a false blunt end in the event that any of your immortal co-workers gets out of line and visits your cubical at unexpected moments. A good janitorial service can get rid of any ichor stains in your office.

  • Keep a mirror in your officeVampires can look just like anyone else. Some are notorious shape changers. Dracula, himself, transformed himself into a much younger man to seduce young women in London. They don’t always wear cool black custom tailored outfits and show their fangs at every meeting. Sometimes they just wear a tie and jacket. It’s best to have your own little acid test in your office. If your 1:AM meeting doesn’t cast a reflection, you may wish to have a trusted co-worker with you to "keep the minutes".

  • Get the silver plated Cross pen set as well as the silver plated cross – While it’s almost always frowned upon to keep religious artifacts out on your desk, there is nothing wrong with using a silver plated pen and pencil set. You can also fashion a crucifix from stuff in your office supply cabinet - and holy water can be kept in your breast pocket.

    If you go into negotiations with a vampire and you feel that there is a strong possibility of “persuasion”, get them to sign any document with your special silver pen. The burning from the silver should get them to break their concentration long enough for you to get a better negotiating position.

  • Garlic for lunch, again? – Most people keep a bowl of candies to invite co-workers and subordinates into their office. It encourages an open office policy. Keep a bowl of fresh garlic knots in a silver bowl and see what happens. Those of you who are of Italian descent will have an easier time getting a consistent garlic fueled lunch which – while making you quite unpopular around vampires – should work as a great antioxidant toward blood diseases.

Final Words

You will never know if a Nosferatu is working in your company.

However there are some telltale signs that may indicate there is definitely something awry. Be on the lookout for co-workers taking excessive sick days, unexpected deaths, pale complexions in people you’ve known for years, and the new guy that never seems to be around for “picture day”.

If you find yourself with several gaps in your day where you have no idea where the time went and strange rashes that have developed on any of your major arteries, you might have a vampire on your staff.

While from a sales standpoint a vampire is certainly a good team member to have and makes that bottom line profit figure stand out, you must remember that having a team at their level best is what makes a company run properly. When half the members are being eaten and the other half are trying to "rid the world of their unholy filth", you'll never get the right amount of synergy.

You should also remember that from an insurance standpoint excessive casualties in your staff will make your group term life insurance benefits rates go up with every mysterious loss.

In the end, though, as a manager, you should carefully assess whether having a vampire on your staff is a win/win or just something you can you to keep human resources off your back.

© 2013 Christopher Peruzzi

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Anate profile image

      Joseph Ray 

      3 years ago

      A very amusing article. I enjoyed it immensely.

    • cperuzzi profile imageAUTHOR

      Christopher Peruzzi 

      5 years ago from Freehold, NJ

      I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      I have to apologize though. I was under the gun to get this last hub out before the end of January. This was a rush job done after I wrote the one preceding it and I wrote it after I couldn't think of anything else to write.

      Every so often we are inspired to write something silly and entertaining at the same time. This time it was vampires. It could have just as easily been succubi, incubi, witches, or werewolves. Zombies would not be hired as their brain dead affliction could easily be mistaken for the behavior of upper management.

      In any event, I cleaned up the language today through my own bit of editing. I wanted this one to actually flow better and the rules for Hubpages publishing require a 24 hour gestation period before it goes to Google and the other search engines.

      If you read this article before, give it another read. It should feel a bit better.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 

      5 years ago from Wales

      Very clever and entertaining. great work and here's to so many more.

      Enjoy your weekend.

      Eddy.

    • cperuzzi profile imageAUTHOR

      Christopher Peruzzi 

      5 years ago from Freehold, NJ

      Weigh that against the sexual harassment savings that seem to vanish after the third bite.

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran - The Write Stuff 

      5 years ago from Long Island, New York

      Not good for the bottom line, no matter how talented they are. And, because they're a few hundred years old, they always expect very high pay, arguing that the recent loss of a few employees has freed up cash flow.

    • cperuzzi profile imageAUTHOR

      Christopher Peruzzi 

      5 years ago from Freehold, NJ

      And their work ethics suck.

    • profile image

      Jayfort 

      5 years ago

      I hear they are a drain on the life blood of a company.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)