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Top Google Search with Humor: Are There Really Vampires and Other Nonsense
I never get tired of doing installments in this series. Maybe it’s because I feel so much better about myself after I see what other internet seekers are looking for. Maybe I am just a sucker for cheap entertainment. Maybe I have a cruel streak. I guess you will have to decide. Be that as it may, it is time to once again look into the psyches of our fellow internet travelers and see what they are searching for.
Today’s search question is: Are there really…..? What follows are the actual questions asked by those in the netherworld and my unique and questionable humor fueled by their questions. Get comfortable because this should be interesting.
ARE THERE REALLY VAMPIRES?
Yes, there are, and they are living inside of your head you numbskull! They have sucked the blood out of your brain so that you can no longer think logically. I hate to tell you this, but you are now officially brain dead. This question proves it!
Oh, wait! Maybe Rose Marie counts as a vampire. I dated Rose Marie about thirty years ago and she certainly had some vampire tendencies. However, she showed those tendencies at night and during the day, so maybe she doesn’t count as a vampire; maybe she was just sucking the life out of me in other ways.
ARE THERE REALLY ALIENS?
Again, yes there are, and they are living inside of your head!
Now that I think about it. I see quite a few people at Walmart who appear to be alien. How else do you explain a 400-lb mother of five who wears a form-fitting tank top and shorts that show way too much of her southern regions? If Rose Marie looked like that she never would have gotten the chance to do her vampire thing with me. Just sayin’.
ARE THERE REALLY KILLER DOLPHINS?
If you are a minnow then yes, there are killer dolphins! If you are a shrimp, then yes, there are killer dolphins. If you are a 400-lb mother of five who shops at Walmart then the killer dolphins better watch out for you at feeding time. I hope all my readers enjoyed that last sentence because I’m laughing out loud at my own stupid humor. It takes so little to amuse me. Take Rose Marie for instance. When she would dress up as President Clinton I would laugh uncontrollably.
Somewhere in that last sentence is a really dirty joke, but I’ll leave it to you to ferret it out. I don’t want to get banned from this site.
ARE THERE REALLY MERMAIDS?
Yes there are and they work for Chicken of the Sea! You don’t believe me? Go buy a can of tuna fish; there is a mermaid on it for you to see….proof positive!
Do you suppose mermaids have to look out for killer dolphins? You don’t suppose there is such a thing as a vampire mermaid, do you? Talk about an identity crisis! Here she is, a beautiful woman, but she lives her life with stinky abalone and she wants to suck blood like Count Dracula. That would be enough to send most people to a shrink. If I just described you, and you do go to a psychiatrist, say hello to Rose Marie while you are there.
ARE THERE REALLY WITCHES?
Oh yes, and I was married to one! Okay, okay, I apologize, but it was almost expected that I say that. It wasn’t true and I’m washing my proverbial mouth out with soap as I type this, which isn’t easy to do at all.
Have you noticed that there are a lot of searches for mythical creatures, like hundreds of thousands of people are harboring thoughts of vampire killer dolphins swimming the aisles of Walmart? I hope they don’t get near that 400-lb mother of five; she just might eat them for a snack.
ARE THERE REALLY PSYCHICS?
Yes, as a matter of fact there are, and they are looking into their crystal balls right now and seeing many crazy people doing searches on Google.
Would you like to know what really bothers me about this search? It’s that I kind of believe there are psychics! Does that mean that one day I’ll wake up and believe in vampires too? Or mermaids? What was that mermaid movie with Tom Hanks? Splash? If I see a mermaid that looks like that then count me as a believer. Sign me up for her website immediately! She could suck my blood out any old time she had a hankerin’. She could……….never mind, I’ll tell you in private some day.
ARE THERE REALLY GHOSTS?
Most definitely there are ghosts and you see them every Halloween. They are usually quite small and they talk with high voices and then demand candy from you. If you don’t give them candy then these mean little ghosts will start crying and make you feel like a killer dolphin who has ruined their childhood.
I don’t know if there are ghosts or not. It seems that back in my drinking days I saw lots of apparitions as well as foot long worms. I would have nightmares of being related to shoppers at Walmart and being run over by stampeding heavyweight shoppers named Rose Marie. Does any of that count?
ARE THERE REALLY ANGELS?
Yes, there are, and they go by the names of Tammy, TT, Debbie, Beckie, Bev, Mary, Lea, Amy, Holly, Cyndi, Audra, Christy and others too numerous to mention. I know that’s not very funny but it is the truth.
Oh, you wanted funny? Fine, then let’s attack this question from a different angle. Yes, there really are angels, and you will find them at Walmart. They are the ones at the checkout stand who have to put up with the nonsense from Bertha the Whale in her leopard skin-tight pants who pays for her groceries in pennies and nickels.
THAT’S IT FOR NOW!
I’d love to do more but right now I have to get ready for a date with Rose Marie. She just called and said she was a quart low and needed some sustenance. Not to worry; Bev is going with us as my chaperone to make sure that Rose Marie behaves herself. I told Bev it wasn’t necessary but for some reason she insisted. Women!
I promise to be back in a week or so with more funny Google searches. Until then, keep an eye out for killer dolphins and remember the famous words of Walmart founder Sam Walton: “Quality is highly-overrated; give them cheap and they will keep coming back for more. Unless, of course, they are vampire witches, in which case you better have a supply of silver bullets.”
My apologies to Sam Walton!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
For more funny Google searches see the following:
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