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Top Google Search with Humor: Are There Really Vampires and Other Nonsense

Updated on November 26, 2012
An exhausted author after doing Google searches
An exhausted author after doing Google searches | Source
TT resting after an exhausting Google search
TT resting after an exhausting Google search | Source
Bev, without internet, doing a search of her own.
Bev, without internet, doing a search of her own. | Source

I never get tired of doing installments in this series. Maybe it’s because I feel so much better about myself after I see what other internet seekers are looking for. Maybe I am just a sucker for cheap entertainment. Maybe I have a cruel streak. I guess you will have to decide. Be that as it may, it is time to once again look into the psyches of our fellow internet travelers and see what they are searching for.

Today’s search question is: Are there really…..? What follows are the actual questions asked by those in the netherworld and my unique and questionable humor fueled by their questions. Get comfortable because this should be interesting.

ARE THERE REALLY VAMPIRES?

Yes, there are, and they are living inside of your head you numbskull! They have sucked the blood out of your brain so that you can no longer think logically. I hate to tell you this, but you are now officially brain dead. This question proves it!

Oh, wait! Maybe Rose Marie counts as a vampire. I dated Rose Marie about thirty years ago and she certainly had some vampire tendencies. However, she showed those tendencies at night and during the day, so maybe she doesn’t count as a vampire; maybe she was just sucking the life out of me in other ways.

ARE THERE REALLY ALIENS?

Again, yes there are, and they are living inside of your head!

Now that I think about it. I see quite a few people at Walmart who appear to be alien. How else do you explain a 400-lb mother of five who wears a form-fitting tank top and shorts that show way too much of her southern regions? If Rose Marie looked like that she never would have gotten the chance to do her vampire thing with me. Just sayin’.

ARE THERE REALLY KILLER DOLPHINS?

If you are a minnow then yes, there are killer dolphins! If you are a shrimp, then yes, there are killer dolphins. If you are a 400-lb mother of five who shops at Walmart then the killer dolphins better watch out for you at feeding time. I hope all my readers enjoyed that last sentence because I’m laughing out loud at my own stupid humor. It takes so little to amuse me. Take Rose Marie for instance. When she would dress up as President Clinton I would laugh uncontrollably.

Somewhere in that last sentence is a really dirty joke, but I’ll leave it to you to ferret it out. I don’t want to get banned from this site.

ARE THERE REALLY MERMAIDS?

Yes there are and they work for Chicken of the Sea! You don’t believe me? Go buy a can of tuna fish; there is a mermaid on it for you to see….proof positive!

Do you suppose mermaids have to look out for killer dolphins? You don’t suppose there is such a thing as a vampire mermaid, do you? Talk about an identity crisis! Here she is, a beautiful woman, but she lives her life with stinky abalone and she wants to suck blood like Count Dracula. That would be enough to send most people to a shrink. If I just described you, and you do go to a psychiatrist, say hello to Rose Marie while you are there.

ARE THERE REALLY WITCHES?

Oh yes, and I was married to one! Okay, okay, I apologize, but it was almost expected that I say that. It wasn’t true and I’m washing my proverbial mouth out with soap as I type this, which isn’t easy to do at all.

Have you noticed that there are a lot of searches for mythical creatures, like hundreds of thousands of people are harboring thoughts of vampire killer dolphins swimming the aisles of Walmart? I hope they don’t get near that 400-lb mother of five; she just might eat them for a snack.

ARE THERE REALLY PSYCHICS?

Yes, as a matter of fact there are, and they are looking into their crystal balls right now and seeing many crazy people doing searches on Google.

Would you like to know what really bothers me about this search? It’s that I kind of believe there are psychics! Does that mean that one day I’ll wake up and believe in vampires too? Or mermaids? What was that mermaid movie with Tom Hanks? Splash? If I see a mermaid that looks like that then count me as a believer. Sign me up for her website immediately! She could suck my blood out any old time she had a hankerin’. She could……….never mind, I’ll tell you in private some day.

ARE THERE REALLY GHOSTS?

Most definitely there are ghosts and you see them every Halloween. They are usually quite small and they talk with high voices and then demand candy from you. If you don’t give them candy then these mean little ghosts will start crying and make you feel like a killer dolphin who has ruined their childhood.

I don’t know if there are ghosts or not. It seems that back in my drinking days I saw lots of apparitions as well as foot long worms. I would have nightmares of being related to shoppers at Walmart and being run over by stampeding heavyweight shoppers named Rose Marie. Does any of that count?

ARE THERE REALLY ANGELS?

Yes, there are, and they go by the names of Tammy, TT, Debbie, Beckie, Bev, Mary, Lea, Amy, Holly, Cyndi, Audra, Christy and others too numerous to mention. I know that’s not very funny but it is the truth.

Oh, you wanted funny? Fine, then let’s attack this question from a different angle. Yes, there really are angels, and you will find them at Walmart. They are the ones at the checkout stand who have to put up with the nonsense from Bertha the Whale in her leopard skin-tight pants who pays for her groceries in pennies and nickels.

THAT’S IT FOR NOW!

I’d love to do more but right now I have to get ready for a date with Rose Marie. She just called and said she was a quart low and needed some sustenance. Not to worry; Bev is going with us as my chaperone to make sure that Rose Marie behaves herself. I told Bev it wasn’t necessary but for some reason she insisted. Women!

I promise to be back in a week or so with more funny Google searches. Until then, keep an eye out for killer dolphins and remember the famous words of Walmart founder Sam Walton: “Quality is highly-overrated; give them cheap and they will keep coming back for more. Unless, of course, they are vampire witches, in which case you better have a supply of silver bullets.”

My apologies to Sam Walton!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

For more funny Google searches see the following:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-Why-Is-There-Fuzz-On-A-Tennis-Ball-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-Is-It-Wrong-To-Have-An-Affair-and-Other-Nonsense

For my Google Searches book on Kindle, or for my other Kindle books, go to:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&search-alias=digital-text&field-author=William%20D.%20Holland

Have you seen a vampire at Walmart?

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    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Brenda.....LOL....great question! Probably wrote these questions on the bathroom walls at school.

    • brenda12lynette profile image

      brenda12lynette 5 years ago from Utah

      I feel so much smarter now! I have one question, though. Who did people ask about these things before Google?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Katrine, how exciting to see you back! I don't know why you left but i, for one, am excited to have you return. Thank you my friend; wishing you peace and happiness today and all days.

    • profile image

      KatrineDM 5 years ago

      Hehe, Bill, missed your funny hubs, like this one, LOL one can't stop smiling...Well I suppose internet is not always the best answer for everything, but it can be a great source of information. Still, one must make their own mind up.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks you Abinash!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Audra, one of my dear angels, I am glad I gave you three chuckles this morning. Tell those witches to take up residence somewhere else. Thank you dear!

    • ABINASH DASH profile image

      ABINASH DASH 5 years ago from odissa,bhubaneswar

      read my article--how to earn online??? https://hubpages.com/money/how-and-why-to-make-mon...

    • profile image

      iamaudraleigh 5 years ago

      Bill, I became a morning person so I could read great humor to start my day off with a bang! I got a great chuckle...three chuckles! I love numbskull!!! I cannot get the visual of the 400 LB lady, etc who paid with change out of my head...lol! Maybe the witches will escort her out of my head...lol! Thanks for calling us Angels :)/ I love this series!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Patty, I'm laughing at you laughing so hard! That was great! So glad you enjoyed it and thank you for the visit.

    • Patty Kenyon profile image

      Patty Kenyon 5 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

      ROFL!!!! Thank-you for clearing up and answering all the questions I have been desperately searching (just joking); Now I won't know what to do with my free time...LOL...Oh wait, perhaps I should start searching for answers on how to survive a Zombie Apocalypse...LOL!!! This is great!!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Exactly....I learned GIGO too...then coined the acronym PIPO....right on there lady!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Oh! GIGO - garbage in garbage out. That's the way I learned it. But then, Ah'm from Texass.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well there you go Mhatter! Proof positive of the existence! LOL

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 5 years ago from San Francisco

      It is on the internet. We used to have the National Enquirer. :))...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Nell, you got that right....Austin is a hoot!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      My dear Austin!

      I deeply regret my actions regarding vampires and if I have in any way hindered your feeding patterns I feel terrible about it. I promise you here and now that I will no longer speak about vampires, allowing you free roam of the human smorgasboard.

      PIPO....positive in/positive out

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jackie, rest assured Bev is in complete control. :) Thank you!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      lol! Austin, so funny!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      As a bitch (er, witch) vampire, I am insulted. All of these people are searching for me and I do want them to find me, so this is your last warning. If they stop looking for me, I will have to hunt you down for stealing my blood supply. And quit insulting fat women! I am FOC'd and I know my Walmart rights! (Fat, Old and Cranky)!

      P.S. - What the heck is PIPO???

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 5 years ago from The Beautiful South

      I knew a couple of women who claimed to be witches. This sounds like a weird day for you, lol. I think maybe Bev should keep an eye on you. lol

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL...great one, Nell! As often happens, the comments are better than the hub! Thank you my friend!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      Hi billy, this was hilarious! all I can see is that fat woman! lol! I knew there were vampires though, because everytime I go shopping the bill is so high that I know I have been sucked dry! thanks for the laugh! lol!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      rfmoran, stay away from that zombie; nasty temper for sure. :) Thanks my friend; always nice to see you stop by.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Trinity, if I made your day better then I am happy. Nice people deserve a little uplifting now and again. :) Thank you kind lady; have a great day the rest of the way.....have you written about homeschooling? I'd be interested in your views on it since I taught school at one time.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      TT....TT....TT....that's not what PIPO means! How many times am I going to have to tell you? Sheez! Some people are un-teachable!

      Hilarious....."IMMIGRATION!" Laughed and snorted on that one.

      Your blog report? That would require me saving that somewhere and I know I did but where the hell is it? Again, SIGH!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      Bill...Bill...Bill....there are absolutely aliens. They are the ones working at the fast food restaurants because the teenagers feel those jobs are beneath them! Want prove? Next time you are at Taco Bell, McD, Burger King or which ever one you chose, yell "IMMIGRATION!" and watch the back door get busted off the hinges. Ok, it might not happen that way, but it would be hilarious to see you the following day on youtube as it goes viral. :)

      When I saw my picture, I was SURE I was going to have to defend Alaska's honor again, and I apologize for having such negative thoughts about my buddy, Bill. (BTW, I mentioned you in my daily blog report). :)

      PIPO! Peace In/Peace Out! :)

    • Trinity M profile image

      Trinity M 5 years ago

      LOL! Thanks billybuc, I needed a good laugh today and you have helped cheer up my weary soul. Now I’ll just make sure not to get caught laughing by that 400lb mother of five! :)

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran 5 years ago from Long Island, New York

      Yes, there are vampires, aliens, killer dolphins, mermaids, psychics, ghosts and angels. I know this because I have it on unimpeachable authority. But I can't disclose his name because he's a zombie and he'll eat my face. Fun Hub Bill! Voted up and funny.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Krillco, I wish you the best with that nagging little problem. LOL Thank you!

    • krillco profile image

      William E Krill Jr 5 years ago from Hollidaysburg, PA

      You forgot Big Foot. And Elvis. Elvis lives inside of me, but he is screaming to get out.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Travel, great line! One of my favorite parts of this series is the funny comments I get. Great job and thanks!

    • TravelAbout profile image

      Katheryn 5 years ago from United States

      Funny thing; I ran into Rose Marie at the shrink's office...she says to let you know she is running a little late (needed more than her 30 minute session) before she meets you for her transfusion. LOL

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Nephew, I'm here to help in any way possible. LOL I have so much fun writing these; I can just lay aside the serious crap and be as silly as I want to be. Great fun and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks buddy!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Crystal, where have you been? I've missed that smiling face of yours. Thank you my dear and I'll bet we all have met a few witches.

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Bill,

      ROFL! This is my favorite google search by you for sure! I loved the comments you made after you had mad the statements. I was cracking up hysterically on this one! I have vampires in my head? No wonder why I am the way the I am. Thanks for clearing things up for me! This was awesome, hysterical, and hilarious! This google search is truly a winner. Now, I know who I will be avoiding in public. Rose Marie, and that infamous 400lb. woman in Walmart, LOL. Thanks Bill for this much needed laugh!

    • Crystal Tatum profile image

      Crystal Tatum 5 years ago from Georgia

      I've met a few witches in my day!