What is wrong with this sentence?

1. 84

   TIMETRAVELER2posted 8 years ago

   What is wrong with this sentence?
   
   The beautiful young woman sauntered slowly as she went across the restaurant's main dining areai so that she could give all of the men a good opportunity to appreciate her gorgeous face and perfect body

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2. 60

   MonkeyShine75posted 8 years ago

   You used no commas in your sentence, ad Is that an "i" after dining area?
   The first thing I see is that three verbs, and one adverb that all mean the same thing, are being used for the way she walked. Sauntered means to walk slowly, and the sentence uses both sauntered, and slowly, plus sauntered, and walked It should say “she sauntered”, or “she walked slowly”, but not all three (sauntered, slowly, walked)
   Another error is that since you used sauntered there was no need to add “went across” A lot of redundant words.
   
   She was already described as beautiful at the beginning of the sentence, all the other times are also redundant
   
   All you need to say is
   “The beautiful young woman sauntered across the restaurant's main dining area to  give the men an opportunity to appreciate her beauty.”
   
   Or
   “The young woman sauntered across the restaurant's main dining area to give the men an opportunity to appreciate her gorgeous face and perfect body.”

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   1. 60

      fpherj48posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Mara...EXCELLENT.  In fact, this is a perfect response...!

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   2. 84

      TIMETRAVELER2posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Excellent answer, but you forgot one thing.  There is no period at the end of the sentence!  I'm giving you "best answer" anyhow!

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   3. 60

      fpherj48posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Good choice, TT2.....Obviously I agree with you! 

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   4. 60

      MonkeyShine75posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Paula. And I love this type of thing TT
      Thanks for choosing my answer

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3. 97

   RonElFranposted 8 years ago

   Since sauntering can only be done slowly, "sauntered slowly" is redundant. And "as she went" is superfluous.

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4. 82

   peachpurpleposted 8 years ago

   Too long. Break it into two words. Stop at the dining area

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5. 89

   UnnamedHaraldposted 8 years ago

   Also, there's no period at the end. And, since my answer is too short, I've added this sentence to make it longer.

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6. 60

   fpherj48posted 8 years ago

   Mara has beat me to the perfect reply.  I agree with her 100%. I noted the same errors.  Would have offered the same suggestions.
   I'm curious as to why you ask this question TT2.  Did you just feel like giving your fellow writers a Pop quiz to keep us off the streets?
   That's a good thing.  (Keeps us out of trouble!)   Peace, Paula

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   1. 84

      TIMETRAVELER2posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Except that she forgot the missing period at the end of the sentence!  And yes, I did want to see how alert you guys were.  Great job!

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   2. 60

      MonkeyShine75posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Oh, excuse me wow. I guess I was more focused on the structure. Although I did notice the lack of commas

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7. 0

   RTalloniposted 8 years ago

   Your question has been correctly answered in technical detail, but if you are seeking a more in-depth response the biggest problem is the danger the young woman puts herself and/or others in by behaving in that manner.

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      Rochelle Frankposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Maybe she was selling something. Or else  she was distracting everyone while her friend robbed the restaurant.

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   2. 0

      RTalloniposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      A) Selling away her dignity, sadly.
      B) I understand it is an effective tactic for robbery!

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