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What is wrong with this sentence?

  1. TIMETRAVELER2 profile image99
    TIMETRAVELER2posted 2 years ago

    What is wrong with this sentence?

    The beautiful young woman sauntered slowly as she went across the restaurant's main dining areai so that she could give all of the men a good opportunity to appreciate her gorgeous face and perfect body

  2. MonkeyShine75 profile image77
    MonkeyShine75posted 2 years ago

    You used no commas in your sentence, ad Is that an "i" after dining area?
    The first thing I see is that three verbs, and one adverb that all mean the same thing, are being used for the way she walked. Sauntered means to walk slowly, and the sentence uses both sauntered, and slowly, plus sauntered, and walked It should say “she sauntered”, or “she walked slowly”, but not all three (sauntered, slowly, walked)
    Another error is that since you used sauntered there was no need to add “went across” A lot of redundant words.

    She was already described as beautiful at the beginning of the sentence, all the other times are also redundant

    All you need to say is
    “The beautiful young woman sauntered across the restaurant's main dining area to  give the men an opportunity to appreciate her beauty.”

    Or
    “The young woman sauntered across the restaurant's main dining area to give the men an opportunity to appreciate her gorgeous face and perfect body.”

    1. fpherj48 profile image75
      fpherj48posted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Mara...EXCELLENT.  In fact, this is a perfect response...!

    2. TIMETRAVELER2 profile image99
      TIMETRAVELER2posted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Excellent answer, but you forgot one thing.  There is no period at the end of the sentence!  I'm giving you "best answer" anyhow!

    3. fpherj48 profile image75
      fpherj48posted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Good choice, TT2.....Obviously I agree with you!  smile

    4. MonkeyShine75 profile image77
      MonkeyShine75posted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Paula. And I love this type of thing TT
      Thanks for choosing my answer

  3. RonElFran profile image100
    RonElFranposted 2 years ago

    Since sauntering can only be done slowly, "sauntered slowly" is redundant. And "as she went" is superfluous.

  4. peachpurple profile image83
    peachpurpleposted 2 years ago

    Too long. Break it into two words. Stop at the dining area

  5. UnnamedHarald profile image96
    UnnamedHaraldposted 2 years ago

    Also, there's no period at the end. And, since my answer is too short, I've added this sentence to make it longer.

  6. fpherj48 profile image75
    fpherj48posted 2 years ago

    Mara has beat me to the perfect reply.  I agree with her 100%. I noted the same errors.  Would have offered the same suggestions.
    I'm curious as to why you ask this question TT2.  Did you just feel like giving your fellow writers a Pop quiz to keep us off the streets?
    That's a good thing.  (Keeps us out of trouble!)   Peace, Paula

    1. TIMETRAVELER2 profile image99
      TIMETRAVELER2posted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Except that she forgot the missing period at the end of the sentence!  And yes, I did want to see how alert you guys were.  Great job!

    2. MonkeyShine75 profile image77
      MonkeyShine75posted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Oh, excuse me wow. I guess I was more focused on the structure. Although I did notice the lack of commas

  7. RTalloni profile image89
    RTalloniposted 2 years ago

    Your question has been correctly answered in technical detail, but if you are seeking a more in-depth response the biggest problem is the danger the young woman puts herself and/or others in by behaving in that manner.

    1. Rochelle Frank profile image95
      Rochelle Frankposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Maybe she was selling something. Or else  she was distracting everyone while her friend robbed the restaurant.

    2. RTalloni profile image89
      RTalloniposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      A) Selling away her dignity, sadly.
      B) I understand it is an effective tactic for robbery!

 
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