Goldenbird, everyone deals with death differently. There is no right or wrong way to do it, nor any book to tell you how to do it. There are books, however, that discuss the stages one goes through after a death.
I have a couple of hubs about family I lost. Perhaps what I say there might be helpful to you.
In any form, knowing WryLilt, she will still be writing! You go girl!
"How do you deal with death?" (of another)
Not very well. In fact, it causes you to permanently die a little inside. You eventually, mostly recover. But a piece of you remains dead forever and you never, ever forget...
The last time death seriously affected me: first thing, pulled back from the world. Second, dove into work. Third, lived so fast I could not feel a thing. Pretty much did everything I could to avoid feeling anything.
I'm not very good with the death of a person, or a relationship, or idea,for that matter.
Any ending is difficult to deal with if you had any stake in it.
I haven't had a death of someone close to me until this December(my grandmother). She was in hospice and the first night she was there I ended up doing what usually helps me deal: write. I ended up writing a poem to just help me get those feelings out and not keep them bottled in.
I ended up going straight back to work after the funeral so I didn't really have time to process it until now. I don't think it ever really heals. There's always moments that sneak up on me and I get sad but push through. Because that's what you have to do.
First real death I ever dealt with-- I was hysterical. I cried all the time and I was listless and every now and again crushing realization would leave me doubled up.
The only time I didn't cry was when I was at work and had to be happy and pleasant to the customer. I wanted to talk about it a lot and cry even more, so a lot of my friends were uncomfortable about me. It was rough. I don't deal with extreme emotions well.
The way I deal with it depends on the circumstances and age of the person passing.
When my grandma died (in 1981), she was 80 years old. She had already expressed her readiness to go on. She was nearly blind and couldn't live the independant life that defined her.
When my Uncle David was murdered (September 1981), I was in a state of shock. It wasn't just that he had been killed, but that it was deliberate. My Uncle was beginning to really bloom as a man; and he was working at the time to improve himself. Every time I think of him, I think of all the potential that was lost.
In 2000, my sister died of a drug overdose. She had been suicidal, and wanted to die. She had been an addict for a long time. Though it was sad, I always thought it would be worse. I expected that one day they would find her in a ditch (or something like that).
A couple of years later I did cry about it, not because of my sister but because of a friend. I learned that a friend of mine from gradeschool had died in 1990. She was living the life she wanted to live, had a couple of small children (when she died) and was happy...She died in an one-car accident.
I cried because she who valued her life had it taken, and my sister just wanted to throw hers away.
As for myself, I am about to turn 46 (in September), and I realize that I probably have more days behind me than ahead of me. Maybe we should all have clocks saying how much time we have left.
Then ,maybe, we will value how precious a gift life is.
Some people claim that they are not afraid of death, and some others admit that they are. I cannot say how I feel about it for now, because it is still far from me. However, I do admit that I am afraid of aging, skin wrinkle, eye bags...
Hui, aging really isn't so terribly bad, I am 55, have those strange, mother-like wrinkles and grey hairs, yet as I age, I've come to be quite fond of them! Really!
There's a song I heard on television a few years ago that went something like this, "When I grow up, I want to be an old woman!" That's exactly how I feel right now.
I hope this helps you with your concerns, but you are so very young, you've nothing to worry about for now!
Dealing with death is always an individual 'thing', Goldenbird. How we cope varies from person to person. Most aren't prepared to handle such a life-changing event, and the more the deceased meant to us, the harder it is to 'handle' their 'leave taking'.
Two years ago I lost a beloved Uncle who was interred at the same cemetery my father was back in 1965. This was one of the most horrific experiences of my life, for I was 'placed' almost on top of my papa's grave. It was truly devastating for me. He'd been cremated in a building I could actually see at my Uncle's funeral. So, all in all, it wasn't a pleasant experience.
If you are having to deal with this situation at the moment-or not-do read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book about the stages of grieving. It will hopefully help you understand your reactions to loss like this.
All the best,
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