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5 Surprising Things You Didn't Know You Needed

Updated on March 9, 2013


It's midnight and you're hungry. Leftover pizza beckons, but you want more. You crave fish parts pulverized into a gummy, runny, indistinguishable pasty amalgam. It's brown and it comes in a jar.

Smear it on crusty bread or scoop fingerfulls straight from the jar. You need this stuff and you had no idea until now. That's how this article works.

Expensive Watch

Society judges you by your wrist-mounted timepiece. You may be a Fortune-500 CEO or even a tenured professor at a community college: none of that matters unless you can flash an expensive watch as you eat your fishpaste.

Look for a massive timepiece festooned with dials and buttons and directional barometric pressure sensors. Everything else you own already has a clock in it: this little gem needs to go several steps further.

Silver Coins

Silver is, like, the gold of the 21st century. It comes in handy coin-shaped containers replete with American presidents and dates accurate to within one year. You can't use it as a watch but you can sequester it in your sock drawer while silver increases in value. Order piles of the things. Each one is different but eerily similar, making them one of the surprising things you didn't know you needed.

Synthetic Oil

Scientists need work, just like community college tenured professors. To that end, order up a few bottles of amazing synthetic oil. Your car can't tell the difference but every lab-coated PhD will thank you. Beakers cost money.

This stuff replaces yucky natural oil that comes out of the ground. It flies in the face of the trend toward organic products that pervades every other aspect of your life. Recycle the bottles.

Zombie Makeup

Don't expect to devolve into a zombie any time soon. You will need external assistance to resemble the undead. A quality makeup kit and a limp will go a long way toward convincing friends and family of your unfortunate descent into madness.

We recommend engaging a qualified cinematic makeup artist for assistance, but feel free to self-decorate if the mood strikes. Zombie disfigurement tends to be mostly random anyway.

Whoop, there it is.

Herein we have presented 5 surprising items you didn't know you needed. Should you have any disposable income remaining post-sequester, invest it on 1 or more of these shocking products. You can't go wrong with profligate spending: the economy needs you.

Here's another item

This article comes with a 20% bonus: here's another item you had no clue that you needed. Prepare to be surprised yet again. You can handle it.

Surprised woman with pointy elbows, courtesy of photostock
Surprised woman with pointy elbows, courtesy of photostock

Affiliate Marketing

You need to get rich like Joe. Don't spend your working life actually working. Rather, order up a blindingly simple book explaining precisely how to rake in piles of cash. You will also need a rake.

Affiliate marketing represents the art of getting other people to pay you so they can sell something for you. It's pure genius. Tom Sawyer would be jealous: all he got was free paint work.

This handy information comes in convenient paperback form. You can tuck it into your copy of American Spectator or Captain America and read it on the bus as you commute to your cubicle to earn meager wages under the boot of The Man. Or something like that.


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    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Thank you for exposing me to these 5 indisputably unnecessary items, nicomp. But the sixth - the affiliate marketing program? Now, that's a winner! I know I will succeed, I already own a rake.

    • torrilynn profile image

      torrilynn 5 years ago

      Hi nicomp,

      really great hub that you have here

      it was interesting to learn about what 5 things people really need

      thanks and Voted up