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Matt Cutts' Christmas List
Matt needs stuff
At the risk of being labeled substandard, we present the definitive Christmas wish list for Matt Cutts. Our favorite face of Google needs a bunch of stuff and we're the ones to give it to him. Read onward to discover precisely what Matt longs to discover when he pads softly down the stairs on Christmas morning. Don't even consider giving him coal: your Page Rank could plummet without warning.
Matt wants to eat at Applebees just like the rest of us. He fears recognition by snubbed SEO captains now moonlighting as servers. You can help. Provide Matt with a convenient disguise. As he enjoys his chicken fingers and jalapeno poppers he will think fondly of you and your keywords.
Young Matt is a computer nerd, but deep down inside he wants to be accepted as a manly man. Help him become a Car Guy by gifting him a Corvette compendium. The next time Matt lines up at Super Cutts for his monthly trim, he will be able to speak intelligently about big block 8-cylinder powerplants with the other dudes. He will confidently face down his local mechanic when he feels that he might be overcharged for that valve job. Never again will he be hesitant to check his own oil.
Sure, Matt represents the human side of the Google collective, but he desires to be optimized just as much as the rest of us. Unfortunately, he can't be seen ordering up an SEO consultation, can he? What would his bosses say? What would Bing do with a clandestine photo of him consorting with black-hats behind the Apple Store? Matt simply cannot take that risk.
You can provide Matt with the guidance he so desperately craves, whether he knows it or not. Send him the gift of Search Engine Optimization this Christmas.
Matt needs memory
Indexing millions upon millions of erstwhile web sites requires massive computing power. You can come to the rescue by send Matt a few sticks of RAM this Christmas. As we all know, adding RAM to a bogged-down computer is the quickest way to restore performance, except for removing all the viruses. We are certainly not implying that Matt has viruses.
Everyone needs pizza
The world's most perfect food may be Frito's, but everyone still needs an uninterrupted supply of pizza. Your good friend Matt is no different than all the other computer experts who grew up eating pizza, drinking Starbucks, and releasing crippling new versions of search engine algorithms every few months.
Reach out to Matt before he realizes that you have been trying to circumvent him. Your SEO efforts may go unnoticed if he is distracted by extra cheese.