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Our Friend the Cucumber

Updated on March 11, 2013

Your Green Bumpy Friend that's fun to be with

What's green and shaped like a cucumber?

Another cucumber.

Cucumber Eye Stuff

If you don't like your eyes, and who does these days, smear some cucumbers on them. Order up minute but expensive quantities of concentrated potions designed to help people enjoy your eyes more. Cucumber extract doesn't make the cucumber all that attractive, except perhaps to another cucumber, but it just might be what you're looking for.

Cucumber Seeds

The things can grow in your back yard. Who knew? Dig a little hole and drop in some of these seeds. A little Miracle Gro couldn't hurt. Sooner or later a vine attached to a healthy cucumber will begin to form. It's amazing and it's organic, sort-of like Congress.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose and another in his left ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Cucumber Skin Toner

Evidently cucumber squeezings are good for more than just your eyes. You can smear the stuff all over your outer skin to improve it. Your skin will benefit also.

Look for bottles with subtle hipster labeling. These kinds of people know their cucumber from a hole in the ground. Don't get anything with alcohol in it because cukes can't handle their booze.

Baby Cucumber Wipes

This just keeps getting better.

You can have your baby smell like newborn cucumbers. Never mind lavender or baby powder or minty freshness: this product outsmells them all. Order a case for the expectant parents in your co-op.

Why did the cucumber blush?
It saw the salad dressing.

Salad Shooter

When the government outlaws guns, only sous-chefs will have salad shooters. Stock up on this amazing mechanical device before The Food Channel depletes the niche. When the market collapses you'll only be able to order Chinese salad launchers and off-brand cucumber catapults. It's all fun and games until we wake up one morning with nothing left but a paring knife.


There's not much left to say, but we'll say it anyway. Look no further for cutting-edge cucumber products than this: cucumber water.

It's water and it smells like fresh cucumbers. You're supposed to drink. It's nature's original refresher, except it's way more expensive and it's got cucumber bits in it. Original cave-men would venture out of their hovels in search of tasty pterodactyl and cucumber water on-tap. They sometimes found the pterodactyl.

A Study in Cucumbers: Mark Ewbie
A Study in Cucumbers: Mark Ewbie | Source


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    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 4 years ago from malang-indonesia

      Cucumber is also my friend. Thanks for share and write about "him". Vote up!


    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 4 years ago

      I just had my friend for dinner last night!

    • profile image

      Beth37 4 years ago

      It's strange how neither of you included the best use for a cucumber. Oh well, maybe Ill write one.

    • North Wind profile image

      North Wind 4 years ago from The World (for now)

      I eat at least one cucumber a day. Is that strange?

      Anyway this was funny stuff and very good points about the cucumber in general. I use the skin of the cucumber to keep ants away.

      I would like to plant the things but the funny thing that always happens with me and vines is they take over the entire garden!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Mark Ewbie : Thanks! Your contribs are much appreciated.

    • Mark Ewbie profile image

      Mark Ewbie 4 years ago from Euroland

      What a great hub Nicomp. And I'm not just saying because of you know what. Love the "not eating properly" gag. And all the cucumber stuff. Who knew?