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The Ten+ Reasons Why You Didn't Vote For Ron Paul (Satire)

Updated on May 29, 2013

That Guy

With the Michigan primary coming on Feb. 28th I could not help but weigh in on the coming election. There are only three contenders left in the race: Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich. Am I forgetting anyone? Hold on I'll check Fox, CNN, and MSNBC. Nope that looks like... o wait Judge Napolitano said something about this guy named Ron Paul running for the election. O well, you shouldn't vote for THAT guy, anyway. Here are the reason's why DR. Ron Paul is nuts.

I will not even MENTION he's Obstetrician, and refused to accept medicare or medicaid for his patients. And I mean he's a Obstetrician! He takes care of women! You do not want someone like that in the White House, I mean, he might try to get them the right to vote or something.

Anyways, he won't get elected thanks to the fine citizens (not) reading this hub. Here are the top ten reasons why.

This was originally a top ten article, but there so many grotesque abominations that are Ron Paul's "values."

Click thumbnail to view full-size


I took a screenshot of an editorial about Ron Paul from MSNBC, a picture from Fox, and a graph from CNN's website.


He is TOO old. FORGET about medical advancements and how Ron Paul bike rides 20 miles a day, I mean, just compare him to the rest of the GOP field. Newt Gingrich could literally eat Ron Paul in one sitting. I mean the oldest president we have ever had was Ronald Reagan at the age of 69. Look out what a total failure he turned out to be. I mean he lowered taxes, presided over the end of the Cold War, cut back nuclear weapons (how are we going to use them on Iran now? we only have like 2,000 left.), and his ridiculous pacifist "Peace through Strength" policy. Yes, Reagan was a cream puff compared to the fine GOP candidates we have today. And if any candidate would be endorsed by Reagan, it would be Paul:

"Ron Paul is one of the outstanding leaders fighting for a stronger national defense. As a former Air Force officer, he knows well the needs of our armed forces, and he always puts them first. We need to keep him fighting for our country."

-Ronald Reagan

Nuts and peanuts, those guys. The bottom line, Ron Paul is 76 years old, which is coincidentally the same year that America had its first revolution. But I mean, honestly, another, "Ron Paul" Revolution? Idol is on tonight, though.

Where's Mitt?
Where's Mitt? | Source

Why can't Rand be a good son like dub'ya.

His Children

His son Rand Paul Sen. Kentucky, is practically a terrorist. He refused a pat down after he set a body scanner off at an airport. Anyone else would just sit and take it like a good American. What does he have to hide? What does he have in his pockets he can't share with the benevolent TSA? Yellow cake Uranium? I guess there is only way we to find out: Hold without bail, and maybe send to Guantanamo bay for one of those "meat" sandwhiches.

The Rundown on the Kids:

  • Ron Jr. is married to Peggy and they have three daughters.
  • Lori Paul Pyeatt is married to Tom Pyeatt. They have five children.
  • Robert Paul is a doctor who is married with two children
  • Joy is married with four children and is expecting her fifth with husband Andy. She, like her father, is an obstetrician and gynecologist.
  • Randall (Rand) is the only child that does not live in Texas. He is married and has three sons. Rand is an ophthalmologist who lives in Kentucky and was just elected to Congress in 2010.

Only 3 of them became doctors? Nothing Like the other candidates children.

The Constitution

What an outdated piece of trash. Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. It was only written so it could tell us what rules the federal government would have to break so they could adequately instruct us how to live our lives.

"It's not what your country can do for you, its what your country tells you what's good for you."

-George W. Obama

I mean, look at the 3rd amendment to the constitution, known as the Quartering Act:

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in manner to be prescribed by law.

Essentially this means that no matter what the circumstances, the government can not force you to open your home to any of the armed forces, foreign or domestic. Its so out-dated. We don't want or need government soldiers living in our homes, we just need federal bureaucrats to have power to bust into our homes without a warrant whenever they want.

Honestly we should roll up that old piece of hemp schwag and smoke it.

O wait, that's right, we can't .

For some reason I couldn't find a picture of Ron Paul burning the Constitution. Weird.

Barack Obama

Acorn Scandal


TARP Bailouts


War Escalation

The ability to assasinate American citizens without due process.

George W. Obama, the real American HEEEEROOOO!

The Other Candidates

A. Rick Santorum B. Newt Gingrich C. Mitt Romney

(Insert Candidate) wants to increase spending

(Insert Candidate) wants to increase military presence

(Insert Candidate) Has Corporate Backing

(Insert Candidate) For Patriot Act

(Insert Candidate) Flip Flops

How to beat Ron Paul: Make sure all other candidates are 100% interchangeable

His Fans

What kind of candidate draws support from all facets of life?

Click thumbnail to view full-size

Dr. Paul gets twice as much money than all the other GOP candidates combined from active military personnel. My question is what are these grunts doing in America? Why are they not over spreading democracy in:

  1. Iraq
  2. Afghanistan
  3. South Korea
  4. Japan
  5. Germany
  6. Iran
  7. China
  8. Canada- We will need maple syrup soon.

We are clearly not occupying enough countries if our mindless drones have time to vote and stand up for what they believe in.

And with Ron Paul carrying nearly 50% of young people's vote, Thank God the media blacked him out. I sure am glad old people don't know how to use twitter, otherwise he might actually get elected. But I would worry about the internet for too long, we're taking care of that thanks to SOPA.

The Military-Industrial complex

The U.S. Military budget was $687,105,000,000 in 2010 more than the rest of the world combined (less than half, $300,000,000,000, goes to troops).

How are all these companies going to kill people without our tax dollars?

The List of the top 100 Righteous U.S. Contractors.

And that's damn straight. Do you expect the French to stop the aliens when they invade the planet because we are free and prosperous? Haven't you seen Independence day? How about Battlefield Los Angeles? District 9 maybe? Planet 51?

Wasn't Obama supposed to cut military spending?
Wasn't Obama supposed to cut military spending?
Federal Avenger Ben Bernanke
Federal Avenger Ben Bernanke

The Federal Reserve

The dollar has been devalued by 96% since 1913, the creation of the federal reserve. What would we do if we went back to a gold standard? We wouldn't be able to bring our communities together to burn money to stay warm in the winter.

So I have a theory. Ron Paul most be a pagan, he likes gold so much he must be praying to a gold idol. And since we go to war for god, Pagnanism = Islam=Terrorist. Ron Paul is a terrorist.

Since when has throwing money failed to solve a problem? (See TARP Bailouts, Iraq war.)

And the U.S. debt is just a number. We can just keep running the debt up. How and Why? Did you read the Military-Industrial Complex Part?

That Crazy Cook Steve Forbes

It must be that Gold Idol he's been worshipping.

The Enemy

We all no there is no such thing as Blowback, Blowback, Blowback. People hate us because we are free. Its probably becase their Muslim and we all know Islam is a violent relgion. Those people are nothing like Christians.

There is no sense in compromise, because these Muslims do not know struggle. The only way to solve our problem is to kill all terrorists, and If for every terrorist we kill, three more are made, well, that's that. America has committed genocide before, I do not think it would be too much of stretch for us now, especially now since we have the whole Fascist thing going for us.

Muslims do not know struggle, they do not know what its like to be against a tyrant and what its like to stand up for liberalism and independence. These people are not like us.


Red vs. Blue. That's the way we like it. Why would want to elect someone who appeals to everyone? This way the Democrats can blame it on (Insert Generic GOP Candidate) and vice versa when they invade another country and tag on another 3 trillion in debt.


Ron Paul has only been elected 12 times. Nothing like say... Santorum who lost his seat. Gingrich practically resigned for fear of impeachment. Why would we want to elect someone with principles and charisma?

"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety"

- That crazy old uncle Benjamin Franklin.


You like being told what to do. You like feeling safe sleeping in your bed knowing that men and women are dying in some far away land and not in your backyard. You are xenophobic, You like dehumanizing an entire culture and applying sweeping generalizations based on the actions of a few brainwashed individuals.

We can print our way to prosperity, we are not the tyrannical empire we once so vehemently defied. If Ron Paul is not elected, in the next four years we will see the escalation of war, infringement of civil liberties, and soaring debt. This will carve America's place in history.




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    • Richard Fernandez profile imageAUTHOR

      Richard Fernandez 

      6 years ago from Detroit, MI

      ... This is getting pretty ridic.

    • profile image

      Awesome Person 

      6 years ago

      1. Age discrimination .

      2. Discrimination of Women .

      3. Saying that freedom is trash.

      4. Saying the media knows everything.

      5. Not wanting the troops to come back

      congrats on being the most narrow minded fool ever

    • Richard Fernandez profile imageAUTHOR

      Richard Fernandez 

      6 years ago from Detroit, MI

      I did vote for Ron.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I second Ray Tek. Am Malaysian too. America, please vote Ron Paul. He is morally consistent. He is your best presidential candidate. Persuade, not force. Trade, not police. Lead if you must, through example..not weapons. Wish I could vote for him. And I love him for his pro life stand too. What is worse than killing your own child in your own body? He help delivered 4000 babies into this World. He was in the Army. He was in Congress. And he's in it to serve not for the power or glamour, all of which is nothing in God's realm. RP 2012 and beyond.

    • profile image

      Oh my 

      6 years ago

      It's hilarious to me that people didn't grasp where this was going after the first paragraph

    • Richard Fernandez profile imageAUTHOR

      Richard Fernandez 

      6 years ago from Detroit, MI

      Did you read all of it? My guess is no. RP 2012.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Well, you basically just told us all the reasons why we should vote for him, you are completely wrong, but funny hub!

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Ha! This is great.

      Paul fan here, but more so...this hub is just awesome.

    • 910chris profile image


      6 years ago from North Carolina

      I understand that, but I don't think his comment is in steep with this article.

    • Richard Fernandez profile imageAUTHOR

      Richard Fernandez 

      6 years ago from Detroit, MI

      He would. Its a satirical article.

    • 910chris profile image


      6 years ago from North Carolina

      Ron Paul was on Reagan White House staff. So why would RR not vote for Ron Paul AR?

    • Richard Fernandez profile imageAUTHOR

      Richard Fernandez 

      6 years ago from Detroit, MI

      War is horrible Ray, but not all Americans support the wars. I am a patriot and I do love my country, but I do think we have lost our way. To try and dissolve your conceptions about Americans, I would say that people in general are fairly unintelligent and weak. This makes them afraid. There are a few special interests that benefit from the "war on terror" and they scare the masses to go along with it. There are many people in the U.S. who want peace and prosperity but unfortunately I feel those days are far from us.

    • profile image

      Ray Tek 

      6 years ago

      I'm from Malaysia. I support Ron Paul. I just don't get it why so many Americans like wars. What is wrong with you people? You guys are the worst terrorist of all. Why do you people never ever see yourself in someone's else view? Can you imagine yourself as a citizen of Iraq? Suddenly a bomb dropped on your backyard? War will never solve any problems. It is the worst tragedy men created.

    • Richard Fernandez profile imageAUTHOR

      Richard Fernandez 

      6 years ago from Detroit, MI

      This is a satirical article. The claims are outrageous, and I simply try to bring them to light. RP 2012.

    • profile image

      Jesse Kasemsanta 

      6 years ago

      First of all that webpage is pretty outrageous. It says "I will not even MENTION he's Obstetrician, and refused to accept medicare or medicaid for his patients. And I mean he's a Obstetrician! He takes care of women! You do not want someone like that in the White House, I mean, he might try to get them the right to vote or something." This line is pretty weak because medicare is really Obama care, which is NOT good. Also a real man should care about women and women giving birth because that is the natural process of giving birth. Also the last line 'You do not want someone like that in the White House, I mean, he might try to get them the right to vote or something'. This line is very very weak, it shows the person that is writing this article/ putting things together doesn't really know what he's talking about especially when he says 'he might TRY to get them the right to vote or SOMETHING'. Also in the media section he says "I took a screenshot of an editorial about Ron Paul from MSNBC, a picture from Fox, and a graph from CNN's website." first of all these resources are all bias against Ron Paul simply because the elite own these companies. so, they are directed to say, show, and persuade for the elite. Also the reason of age and his children is very irrelevant. Another weak point on that page is in the constitution part where it says "What an outdated piece of trash". The constitution is the only "piece of trash" that declares our rights as humans on this land and gives us the freedom of speech, bare arms, and etc; it is not a piece of trash. Also quoting from George W Obama is not a good quote and it's not about what your country tells you to do. Overall, there are many weak points on this page and is not a great source to make conclusions about Mr. Ron Paul. The person who put that webpage together needs to do better research and provide stronger information and facts.

    • profile image


      6 years ago


    • Richard Fernandez profile imageAUTHOR

      Richard Fernandez 

      6 years ago from Detroit, MI

      Thanks for the comments. I think Ron Paul understands that the Cold War is over, but the Pentagon hasn't got the message. All the Nuclear bombs, all the aircraft carriers, and all the super weapons in the world can not stop terrorism. Ron Paul recognizes this. We do not need to outspend terrorists to beat them. Money doesn't solve everything.

    • innersmiff profile image

      James Smith 

      6 years ago from UK

      I don't know. I think he has respect enough not to throw them away in the middle-east, which only endangers American citizens.

    • American Romance profile image

      American Romance 

      6 years ago from America

      Reagaon would never endorse Ron Paul, he had too much respect for the strength of this nations military!

    • innersmiff profile image

      James Smith 

      6 years ago from UK

      He makes a bit too much sense that Ron Paul. Better not vote for him!

    • againsttheodds profile image


      6 years ago

      He really is the only choice. I mean when you look at each candidate's arguments you might be able to forgive some things (Newt and Romney making millions of a collapsing housing market through Freddie and Fannie or Santorum's belief that the government should be in your bedroom and monitor everything down to your child's manners) and you might be forgiven for believing that any of them would do an ok job. Until you remember that everyone except Ron Paul (including Obama) are the same status quo that will only further the warmongering and financial collapse. Liberty 2012

    • move2move profile image


      6 years ago Dude, you're crazy but I love your style...hahahahaa :D ...! Weird style, but Great article :-)!

    • 910chris profile image


      6 years ago from North Carolina

      Great Hub!! I love it and will pass this one along.


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