The Ten+ Reasons Why You Didn't Vote For Ron Paul (Satire)

With the Michigan primary coming on Feb. 28th I could not help but weigh in on the coming election. There are only three contenders left in the race: Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich. Am I forgetting anyone? Hold on I'll check Fox, CNN, and MSNBC. Nope that looks like... o wait Judge Napolitano said something about this guy named Ron Paul running for the election. O well, you shouldn't vote for THAT guy, anyway. Here are the reason's why DR. Ron Paul is nuts.

I will not even MENTION he's Obstetrician, and refused to accept medicare or medicaid for his patients. And I mean he's a Obstetrician! He takes care of women! You do not want someone like that in the White House, I mean, he might try to get them the right to vote or something.

Anyways, he won't get elected thanks to the fine citizens (not) reading this hub. Here are the top ten reasons why.

This was originally a top ten article, but there so many grotesque abominations that are Ron Paul's "values."

I took a screenshot of an editorial about Ron Paul from MSNBC, a picture from Fox, and a graph from CNN's website.

He is TOO old. FORGET about medical advancements and how Ron Paul bike rides 20 miles a day, I mean, just compare him to the rest of the GOP field. Newt Gingrich could literally eat Ron Paul in one sitting. I mean the oldest president we have ever had was Ronald Reagan at the age of 69. Look out what a total failure he turned out to be. I mean he lowered taxes, presided over the end of the Cold War, cut back nuclear weapons (how are we going to use them on Iran now? we only have like 2,000 left.), and his ridiculous pacifist "Peace through Strength" policy. Yes, Reagan was a cream puff compared to the fine GOP candidates we have today. And if any candidate would be endorsed by Reagan, it would be Paul:

"Ron Paul is one of the outstanding leaders fighting for a stronger national defense. As a former Air Force officer, he knows well the needs of our armed forces, and he always puts them first. We need to keep him fighting for our country."

-Ronald Reagan

Nuts and peanuts, those guys. The bottom line, Ron Paul is 76 years old, which is coincidentally the same year that America had its first revolution. But I mean, honestly, another, "Ron Paul" Revolution? Idol is on tonight, though.

His son Rand Paul Sen. Kentucky, is practically a terrorist. He refused a pat down after he set a body scanner off at an airport. Anyone else would just sit and take it like a good American. What does he have to hide? What does he have in his pockets he can't share with the benevolent TSA? Yellow cake Uranium? I guess there is only way we to find out: Hold without bail, and maybe send to Guantanamo bay for one of those "meat" sandwhiches.

The Rundown on the Kids:

• Ron Jr. is married to Peggy and they have three daughters.
• Lori Paul Pyeatt is married to Tom Pyeatt. They have five children.
• Robert Paul is a doctor who is married with two children
• Joy is married with four children and is expecting her fifth with husband Andy. She, like her father, is an obstetrician and gynecologist.
• Randall (Rand) is the only child that does not live in Texas. He is married and has three sons. Rand is an ophthalmologist who lives in Kentucky and was just elected to Congress in 2010.

Only 3 of them became doctors? Nothing Like the other candidates children.

What an outdated piece of trash. Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. It was only written so it could tell us what rules the federal government would have to break so they could adequately instruct us how to live our lives.

"It's not what your country can do for you, its what your country tells you what's good for you."

-George W. Obama

I mean, look at the 3rd amendment to the constitution, known as the Quartering Act:

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in manner to be prescribed by law.

Essentially this means that no matter what the circumstances, the government can not force you to open your home to any of the armed forces, foreign or domestic. Its so out-dated. We don't want or need government soldiers living in our homes, we just need federal bureaucrats to have power to bust into our homes without a warrant whenever they want.

Honestly we should roll up that old piece of hemp schwag and smoke it.

O wait, that's right, we can't .

For some reason I couldn't find a picture of Ron Paul burning the Constitution. Weird.

Acorn Scandal

Stimulus

TARP Bailouts

Solyndra

War Escalation

The ability to assasinate American citizens without due process.

George W. Obama, the real American HEEEEROOOO!

A. Rick Santorum B. Newt Gingrich C. Mitt Romney

(Insert Candidate) wants to increase spending

(Insert Candidate) wants to increase military presence

(Insert Candidate) Has Corporate Backing

(Insert Candidate) For Patriot Act

(Insert Candidate) Flip Flops

Dr. Paul gets twice as much money than all the other GOP candidates combined from active military personnel. My question is what are these grunts doing in America? Why are they not over spreading democracy in:

1. Iraq
2. Afghanistan
3. South Korea
4. Japan
5. Germany
6. Iran
7. China
8. Canada- We will need maple syrup soon.

We are clearly not occupying enough countries if our mindless drones have time to vote and stand up for what they believe in.

And with Ron Paul carrying nearly 50% of young people's vote, Thank God the media blacked him out. I sure am glad old people don't know how to use twitter, otherwise he might actually get elected. But I would worry about the internet for too long, we're taking care of that thanks to SOPA.

The U.S. Military budget was $687,105,000,000 in 2010 more than the rest of the world combined (less than half, $300,000,000,000, goes to troops).

How are all these companies going to kill people without our tax dollars?

The List of the top 100 Righteous U.S. Contractors.

And that's damn straight. Do you expect the French to stop the aliens when they invade the planet because we are free and prosperous? Haven't you seen Independence day? How about Battlefield Los Angeles? District 9 maybe? Planet 51?

The dollar has been devalued by 96% since 1913, the creation of the federal reserve. What would we do if we went back to a gold standard? We wouldn't be able to bring our communities together to burn money to stay warm in the winter.

So I have a theory. Ron Paul most be a pagan, he likes gold so much he must be praying to a gold idol. And since we go to war for god, Pagnanism = Islam=Terrorist. Ron Paul is a terrorist.

Since when has throwing money failed to solve a problem? (See TARP Bailouts, Iraq war.)

And the U.S. debt is just a number. We can just keep running the debt up. How and Why? Did you read the Military-Industrial Complex Part?

We all no there is no such thing as Blowback, Blowback, Blowback. People hate us because we are free. Its probably becase their Muslim and we all know Islam is a violent relgion. Those people are nothing like Christians.

There is no sense in compromise, because these Muslims do not know struggle. The only way to solve our problem is to kill all terrorists, and If for every terrorist we kill, three more are made, well, that's that. America has committed genocide before, I do not think it would be too much of stretch for us now, especially now since we have the whole Fascist thing going for us.

Muslims do not know struggle, they do not know what its like to be against a tyrant and what its like to stand up for liberalism and independence. These people are not like us.

Red vs. Blue. That's the way we like it. Why would want to elect someone who appeals to everyone? This way the Democrats can blame it on (Insert Generic GOP Candidate) and vice versa when they invade another country and tag on another 3 trillion in debt.

Ron Paul has only been elected 12 times. Nothing like say... Santorum who lost his seat. Gingrich practically resigned for fear of impeachment. Why would we want to elect someone with principles and charisma?

"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety"

- That crazy old uncle Benjamin Franklin.

You like being told what to do. You like feeling safe sleeping in your bed knowing that men and women are dying in some far away land and not in your backyard. You are xenophobic, You like dehumanizing an entire culture and applying sweeping generalizations based on the actions of a few brainwashed individuals.

We can print our way to prosperity, we are not the tyrannical empire we once so vehemently defied. If Ron Paul is not elected, in the next four years we will see the escalation of war, infringement of civil liberties, and soaring debt. This will carve America's place in history.

ALRIGHT TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TAKING THIS ARTICLE LITERALLY!

ITS SATIRICAL I SUPPORT RON PAUL 2012!