A Story, Best Kept Secret (Part One)
A Work In Progress...... An excerp from my novel.
I have known for many years a story that has been kept a secret. I know of it because I was indirectly involved in keeping their secret. He, is once again apart of my life, and she, she is a close friend of mine. My mixed feelings about their secret still lingers.
Again, I am faced with my uncertainties, and again, I wonder if I could be wrong about my gut instincts. A therapist once told me to listen to my internal reactions and responses, better known as my gut instinct. She told me, “ nine times out of ten, there is a good reason why a person feels slightly sick to their stomach, or begins to feel shaky. It means your gut and intuition is attune to something doubtful, or a situation that should not be trusted.” The therapist further told me, “go with your doubts, trust in it, chances are something is not right.” The past has now resurfaced, and I am facing, once again, the indecisions of my gut. I did not want to be right back then, and even more today, I still hope, with everything in me, that I am wrong. This is the story, their secret.
A dreadful feeling encompassed me. Immediately, I felt like an after-thought, like someone non-existent, non-important, and it was truly evident to me by his entire behaviour that I was “a nothing” to him and she was “a something.” Was it his intent to make me feel less of a person, for at that moment, for that very instant, I did -- I questioned myself thinking I must be mistaken. Perhaps, it was the only way I could respond at that time, I was young, and had never felt something so strong, so wrong, so handicapping and foreign. With every fibre of my soul I knew he was into her, and there was no denying it.
Lawrence and I had left for the river early that morning, in fact, it was still dark outside as we climbed on our mountain bikes, headed to the National Park and Salmon river pools. Cape Breton Highlands Park is known worldwide for its beauty of the Cabot Trail and salmon rivers. In order to spend time with Lawrence I had to follow him upstream. Days began before dawn and ended shortly after dusk. The life of a fly-fisherman, or at least, one that was as obsessed as he. I had never met someone of his nature -- a one-kind wonder. He certainly had my attention, and intrigued I was indeed. I yearned to know and understand him. And, oh, how I recall wanting him to reciprocate my “being into him.“ The reason he wasn’t returning these affections for me is because he felt them for another, or so it appeared to me when we returned that day. I wished it were me he was thrilled to run and see upon our return to his cabin. Or, at the very least, show he was happy to be with me. Climbing his driveway I stopped to show him a wild pear tree. He asked, “I’ve seen these before but you cannot eat them, right?”
“Yes you can and they are delicious, try one,” I said. His eyes light up while he picked a few more and it was obvious that he liked them very much. What happened next still stands out in my mind today. His cottage was only a few hundred feet away from his cousin’s house, where she lived. A well-worn path led from Lawrence’s cottage through the trees to her house on the hill. Lawrence acted as if I was no longer there with him. “I got to get her to try these,“ he said. His excitement over the berries made him forget everything about he and I, he started running towards the path leading to her house. He knew her husband wasn’t home for we passed his jeep at the Family business. I called out to Lawrence, “what are you doing? Where are you going?
He paused long enough to say, “I’m going to show these berries to Enaid, she’s got to taste them, they are so delicious! He continued to run up the path leaving me standing where I was. Dumbfounded best describes what I was feeling. All of a sudden Lawrence stopped dead in his tracks. At that moment, he realized that he forgot himself. He was so darn eager to run and share his newfound delight with her, there was no mistaking it. He knew he should stay with me, he knew that he slipped but his need to see her was overpowering any sensibility. I observed every last bit of indecision that crossed his mind. Why didn’t I say or do more? I can remember it so clearly, so vivid in my mind, just like it happened yesterday. Only two days ago it actually came up in conversation between Lawrence and I. His response was, “and why wouldn’t I?” I could have clocked him, and why I didn’t pursue it any more than that then and even in present day is beyond my reasoning. I think his responses throw me off guard, and he seems quite capable of having planned it that way--knowing full well his words would tongue-tie even the most attuned listener.
Looking back today, still I am unsure of the reason I remained silent about my thoughts of his behaviour, when indeed I knew something was not right about the situation. I think my inexperience and lack of recognizing my own feelings prevented resolving my dilemma. The idea that I may look jealous may also have prevented vocalizing my disturbed reaction. Indecisive at best, my hunches drew me to keep my emotions at bay.
Shaking, feeling a little sick to my stomach, and even feeling angry, I followed him in pursuit of possible answers for his undeniable affection for his cousin’s wife. I clued in immediately to the fact that she was the brain of their whatever was going on between them. She saw me follow him, and treated him like a piece of dirt. He was trying to be close to her and she kept pulling away…she knew I may pick up on it, and he was clueless to anything but the task he set out to do. It was so obvious! Innocently, he was unaware of how obvious he was about his feelings and closeness to her. Clueless at it’s best describes Lawrence! No doubt after I left she must have got mad at him! But, the bizarre thing was I did not. I said I was leaving………….I did not know what else to do. I felt ill, and I knew something was going on between them, but I felt immobilized, stunned, shocked into silence. As I backed out of her house, Lawrence did not follow me right away. She didn’t even acknowledge my presence, but she must have to him for he did come running when I was about ready to leave his yard…obviously taking direction from her--she had to have told him to come to me, but she was mad and probably even jealous that I was there. Although, they needed me to cover their relationship--she hated it, that, I was sure of!
