FOR GUYS: Things Not To Do Or Say While On A Date
(WRITER'S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. But some content is based on events that happened in my personal life. There is NO comedy, per se, in this hub, but common sense. Truth. And maybe some helpful advice for men (like me) who struggle with nerves, awkward conversation, and just fitting-in when we were dating. This story is NOT meant to single-out, tease, make light of, or laugh at any party--male or female, living or deceased. Humor. This is all based on humor, the tool I used to face many of my own battles while in dating arena. Guys, I give you the option of taking this hub for literal advice, or to just get a clean, needed-laugh out of it. Thank you. KENNETH AVERY)
Please allow me to ask you a few questions. And be honest. Are you "a" Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell, George Clooney or a Dean Martin? You are. Great. Then this story will not apply to you. But to the other guys, like me, who aren't close to the Pitts, Farrells, and Clooneys in the world, I welcome you to follow along and see if we can help each other in the sensitive area of dating pretty girls.
Dating Girls Shouldn't Be Hard . . .
but for some guys, me included, it is. Or was, talking about me. Personally, I had a tough time when it came to dating girls. It was like going into battle for my country. And many is the time I found myself outclassed. Out gunned. And in over my head. Guess that explains the nightmares that attack me sometimes in the early morning hours--scenes from my teen years showing me making numerous social blunders, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the girl who DID agree to date me. And all the time 'trying my heart out' to make my date, any date, feel as if she were the 'belle of the ball.'
Here Are Just A Few Of The Mistakes I Made . . .
Wearing too much cologne . I had a buddy, he is deceased now, not from overuse of cologne, but from a gun shot. "Jerry," told me that every time "I" was to take a girl out on a date to really "go all out," as he put it and wear the best manly cologne that I could find. "Jerry" was wrong. Dead-wrong. I did what he said because he was older than me. And was a real worldly guy. Knew his way around girls. But the minute my date met me, she drew back from the embrace, grimaced and in her softest feminine voice said, "Kenneth, uh, just how much cologne did you wear this evening?" I remember making a joke out of it and just trying to pretend that she never said anything. That taught me a valuable lesson. Guys, use a moderate drop or two of your cologne. Your date is going out with you, not your Brut.
Arriving at her house too soon not only was this uncomfortable for me, but for her parents whom I had to chat with about all the things going on in my life--school, part-time job, cars, football games, life, church. Back in my day, the guys, no matter how cool or raw they were, had to get out of their cars and meet the girl's parents or they didn't get to take their daughter out on a date. Plain and simple. In my dating years, I was like I am now, a minimal conversationalist. And the girl's mom and dad would look at each other, often, when a lull came into our conversation. I stopped arriving too early, but chose to arrive just a minute or two before the actual time I was supposed to be there. This gave me a needed-buffer to briefly chat with the mom and dad and be on our way.
Over-Dressing is one thing that I learned wasn't cool. On my first date(s), I would wear a suit, tie, shined shoes, get a fresh haircut, and look the part of a college man. I received a few chuckles from the girl I was taking out. And her parents. One girl whispered to me on the way to my car, "it's not going to church. It's a date with me," and she was right. From then on, unless specified, I wore casual clothes. Clothes I was comfortable in.
Talking, Laughing Too Much does NOT impress any girl. Or her parents. Or family pet. But I was then, like I am now, very nervous. Tense. Not a professional host like the late Johnny Carson. I learned the hard way one time I got out of my car--talking all the way up the steps, as I shook hands with the girl's dad, as I sat down and continued to talk while he tried to divert my attention to the football game he was watching on television. It hit me hard. I was over-doing it. I needed to, well, shut-up. And when I did shut my mouth to allow the girl's dad to talk, things got much easier. But it took me learning the hard way. But guys, I did learn.
Laughing At Everything the girl's dad said. This is as bad as talking too much. No human is that funny. All the time. And doing this brings suspicion from the parents who thought I might have mental issues. Or something. I was only trying to be courteous. After all I was in someone else's house. Why not be the ideal guest? Well, guys, I can tell you from experience. Let Jerry Seinfield and other pro comedians do the stand-up comedy. You just stick to casually chuckling now and then. Oh, I had this one girl who told me that her dad wanted me to come back to their house for as he put it, "that young man laughs at all of my stale jokes," and that did it. A light bulb went off. I started listening more. Asking more questions and not laughing at much. And it worked.
Things That Are Not That Important To Girls, But You Always Thought They Were
Your Social Status is not that important. We guys have had it drilled into our minds via television, radio, and movies, that girls thrive on dating guys who are wealthy, powerful, and from a prominent family. Although, in all honesty, there are girls like this, overall, most girls couldn't care less who your great, great grandmother was and what she did in her daily life.
Your Bank Account unless the girl is a bank auditor, do not openly-reveal to her in front of her parents how much money you have in your savings or checking account. This, my friends, is rude. Crass. Unorthodox. And is a hard topic to talk about with strangers. Consider your banking account like your blood type, unless she asks, don't tell.
Your Job may be something to talk about, but you are not 'on the clock' when you are out on a date with her. 'Talking shop,' is fine, but only if she wants to 'talk shop.' Find things that you both can talk about. That is what I found to do, but many times, too late. If you don't find a moderate-balance of things to talk about, then your date might tell her friends later, "work. Work. Work. That's all he talked about." See? You surely don't what this reputation. Do you?
Things That ARE IMPORTANT To Girls You Date
- Decent Appearance I didn't say you had to go to the finest hair salon for men and buy the most-expensive suit of clothes on the rack. Just dress in your cleanest, most-comfortable clothes. Remember, what you wear says a lot about YOU. If you show up dressed in greasy Liberty overalls from changing the oil in your car but didn't care enough about your date to shower and dress properly this says one thing to her: You just don't care. And when a teenage boy or adult man shows up for a date looking sloppy, it's a sure-bet that the girl will come down with a sudden headache and not go out with you.
Decent Talk is always, and I do mean always, good to maintain. Don't tell off-color jokes to your date. Please. She is your date, not your bowling buddy. Try to show her the respect that she deserves. And another thing about decent talk. DO NOT say nice things on purpose to her in hopes that she will make out with you later that night. Girls are wise, my friend. And you do not want to come off looking like a jerk. Be nice to her. Girls still appreciate gentlemen.
When Dining Out please try to keep perspective. You are a gentleman. A teenage boy with good upbringing. An adult man with manners. You do the paying for the meal. It's courtesy in action. And I don't think that by a man paying is an insult to the independence of a lady's status. Guys, do the gentlemanly thing. Pay for the meal and please, do not gaze at the bill like you have just been robbed at gunpoint.
Comfort And Ease make girls happy. Do not make the social mistake that most males make when dating a pretty lady and overly-compliment your date on every single thing she says or does. She will grow tired of this quickly. A mild compliment about her dress, hair, or a one-liner she said, is fine. But do not, I beg you, lurch over the table awaiting your date, who is now on-edge, to say another thing you can bellow out, "that's great," for all to hear. Girls, as a rule, do not like unwanted attention. Do your best to have a quiet, peaceful dinner, night at the opera, or just a simple walk in the city park. She will like that.
Things That You, The Man, ARE NOT To Do On A Date
- ACT SILLY this maybe a good thing in the movies for Mel Gibson, who played Riggs in Lethal Weapon, but not on a date with a girl in real life. If you do act silly doing bad impressions of famous people, even animal impressions, on the first date, she might laugh at first, but friend, this can wear thin. Quickly.
- DO STUPID THINGS like asking her if she thinks you can run out in traffic without being hit with a truck. It is not the 50's anymore. Be sensitive. Be casual. Be relaxed. Enjoy the sweet time that you have with your lady friend. Besides she didn't buy a ticket to see you perform.
- "ACT" anyway. I mean do not, above all, make her believe that you are not who you claim you are. Do not act wise, when the world knows you barely graduated high school. Do not act aloof, above people, when you are as common as a shoe sole. Just give up the acting to impress your date. She went out with YOU. The real you. And I am advising you sternly to KEEP BEING THE REAL YOU on this and any other dates you might get.
- QUIZ HER ABOUT HER PAST this is one thing that girls cannot, will not tolerate. Why is it so important to you to know every single move she has made prior to going on this one date with you? So what if she previously dated a guy who was much better looking, richer, more popular than you? Does it really matter? And does she quiz you about all the girls you have dated? No. So why not return the common courtesy and treat her the same way?
- OVER-GIFTING Jerry Seinfield and his cohorts, Kramer, George and Elaine would love this name: over-gifting. Someone in olden times, maybe the 40's, said that the way to win a girl's love was through gifts. Some of that may be true up to a point, but guys, there is a limit. Do not send her a dozen roses every day that comes. Or a diamond bracelet each Sunday morning. Although these are great romantic gestures, she is going to wonder, very soon, what you are all about. So take it easy, guys. A gift once in a while is super. I said once in a while. Please remember that.
The final segment of this story that hopefully will help guys when they are out on dates be not only a better man, but a better person is this:
Guys, there are the 'three R's' of dating. Write them down and keep them handy.
R - eal YOU. That's whom you are.
R-eality is where you live. Not in a fantasy world. and . . .
R-emoving all of the foolish myths that you have been taught about women.
Got that? Good.