How we can avoid divorce and lead a happy life with your wife
How to avoid divorce
How to avoid divorce
Why there is a lot of separation among married people. I am married for 12 years. Many times we feel that we are made for each other and united. In such times her concerns are my concerns. We are having one opinion on many subjects. My wish is her wish. Her wish is mine too. We work together for the common goal and interest. We want to live together. We enjoy the togetherness. Not seeking any separation. These times are the greatest times we spent together. In such times she ignores my weakness and drawbacks. I ignore her weakness or behaviors which irritate me. That is the time we feel that God joined us together. We are made for each other. We are in the right place at right time.
But it is not the same as always. Often we had disputes about different matters. That is the time things go out of hand. We accuse each other. We think we are in the wrong boat. My concerns are not her. My opinion differs from her. Her behaviors irritate me. She also feels the same feelings and thinks that I am a terrible husband. We curse that moment when we decided to get married. That is the time we cannot tolerate each other. Shouting and accusing will start. I am not willing to step on her shoe and see the things accordingly. But I want her to see the things through my viewpoint, which is very difficult for her. We argue and fight. That is the terrible times in our marriage.
Now I remember the story of Socrates. Socrates wife was a nagging woman. She always disturbs Socrates with different matters. To escape from his wife, he used to stay away from his house for many days and sometimes for many weeks. One day he and his fellow philosophers were discussing different matters. It went on for a long time. Socrates wife got angry and she shouted at them and forced them to go out of the house. They sat under a tree and continued their discussion. Discussion continued for a long time. Seeing this Socrates wife got angry and pour out water on them. After this Socrates and his fellow philosophers were discussing that "After every thunder, rain will follow".
That is why Socrates said, "By all means marry, If you get a good wife you will become happy and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
Happy Married Life
Reason for divorce
Let me come back to the point. There are times in our married life we feel happy and blessed. Also, there are times when we feel very bad and terrible. Sometimes we fell into deep thoughts, searching the reason behind the unhappiness in our married life. (But the worst thing is that we never think about the happy moments, and never think about the reason behind the happiness. It is important to think about your happy days and how you and your wife cooperated with each other in the initial days. How you adjusted to please your wife etc.) Our unhappiness will help us to think and find out the real problem. Sometimes problems and frictions in our married life make us philosophers.
Not living up to the expectation is the cause of most of the frictions between the husband and wife. Wife looks for a healthy wealthy and smart husband who can satisfy her physical, emotional and all types of needs. (If you are married, you know it better than anyone else.) When she finds that her expectations are not met, it will disturb her and create a distance between you and her. It can happen vice versa. If your wife is not living up to your expectation, it will create friction.
You may ask what are the expectation of your spouse? Not having enough money could be one of the main problems. Money problems are the root of most of the problems. She wants you to be with her. She doesn't want you to look at other women and appreciate them. It could be that, you are not taking her to a hotel for dinner, instead, you are asking her to prepare the dinner. It could be her thought that you are not helping her in the laundry or taking care of the children. Problems may vary from person to person, house to house, situation to situation. You may compare your spouse with another one in your neighborhood. That is the worst sin you can ever do to your spouse.
We expect a good house, good vacation, nice food etc. TV and movies are adding the damage by showing beautiful family and nice houses in their shows. Everyone wants to live a filmy life or a life shown on TV. Companies are spending thousands for taking a 30 to 45 seconds advertisement. They are corporates and can afford that much money for selling their products. They select most beautiful husband, wife and children from models and bring together. And we want to live that happy luxury life. If we are not able to live like them, it hurts. We live short of our expectations. That is the origin of the friction. So the success of a married life depends on your ability to see your spouse as he or she is. Do not expect more than what they can deliver. Keep your expectation low and love them. Do not try to change them and then love them. You need to first love them and then try to change them with love.
Often we mistake the identity of the problem, as the reaction of your wife may come through different ways. Sometimes your wife may react to your actions in some other ways. If you have a problem with your wife and she shouts at your children, there are chances that you feel that the problem is between your wife and the children. You will not work on it. Which will result in creating a more complicated situation. It is not necessary for everyone to react to the problem straight. Frustration and reactions may come out through different ways and forms. When the problem is small, it is easy to solve. Like a tree grows problems and frustrations may grow to a big tree and make it difficult for you to uproot it. When the roots grow too deep, then it is difficult to uproot the tree. If it is a small plant it is easy to uproot it and throw away. When the problems become deep-rooted, then that is the time we choose different ways.
Most of the separations are taking place slowly and over the years of their married life. Once it started, it grows every day, incident by incident, and problem by problem. The growth of the difference would be steady and continuous. Still, they try to adjust. (As every separating couple says "I tried my level best to adjust with him/her") They are true. They tried to adjust. At the same time, they encouraged or allowed the growth of the difference and problems. Not able to remove the difference or never tried to remove it with its root. One day it would reach a stage where the two of them no longer able to adjust with the other.
Love each other
How to avoid separation
We should not expect more than what we can get. Rolls Royce car and five-star hotels are good for those who can afford it. We are living in the real world. Leading a real life. There are people who find the art of living. Even if there is nothing to eat, they are happy. They eat what they have and love their spouse and lead a happy life. In their talk and walk and life, we could see their love and affection and happiness. And God will bless those who are happy, with abundance. If you are happy with the other, a small piece of bread will taste better than the food served at a party at a 5-star hotel. Without a good relationship with your spouse, a delicious dinner at a five-star hotel will not taste much better. Hope you got it. Tastes, feelings, and emotions are interrelated. If one goes out of order, life would become a mess.
The core of the message is that learn to live a really happy life. If you are in love, you are willing to sacrifice your comfort, money and position. If you are not in love, you will be trying to hold your position, money and comfort. Show courtesy to each other. Love your spouse and try to identify her likes and dislikes and adjust with him/her.
When it comes to courtesy, I remember the joke about the philosopher of manners. A philosopher who highly respects manners and customs was traveling with another gentleman. They traveled a long distance while discussing many things. Then they felt hungry and came to a place where food is served. They asked the waiter what is available to eat. The waiter replied only fish is available at that time. They ordered two fishes. The waiter brought two fishes in a plate, one big fish and the other relatively smaller. The gentleman took the big fish for himself and put the small fish into the plate of the Philosopher. For the next few minutes, the Philosopher was talking about manners and how to behave with others etc. After listening to the philosophy of manners the gentleman asked the philosopher "What would you select for yourself if you were the one to select first?"
"Obviously the smaller fish" Philosopher replied.
Then the gentleman told to the philosopher of manners that "that is what is in your plate, Just eat and be happy."
That is a joke. Let us go back to the subject. Being one is the essence of married life. One heart, one mind, one flesh. That is the time you share your feelings and thoughts. Your spouse will share his/her feelings. Then you can make the necessary changes to suit your preference and interest. Love your spouse. Create a bonding relationship. Take care of your spouse in the depths and heights. Build faith in your spouse. Trust your spouse. Live the real life. Analise your standards and expectations. And check whether they are higher than attainable. Remove the friction with its roots. Have a great life. If you cannot love your spouse, do not think that you could find another one who is better than the current one. What you sow, you will reap 30, 60, 90 or 100 times more.
As per the elders, praying together and having a spiritual life are necessary for a great married life. (We pray together in the morning and night) Also having physical intimation (sex) is a booster of your relationship. Having great fun together is the key to have a bonding married life. Also spending quality time discussing your likes and dislikes is helpful to know each other better.