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I Didn't Cheat and I'm Glad

Updated on July 25, 2010

Moment of truth, finally, after years, I did get my moment of truth. It still feels bitter sweet, not completely fulfilling, yet slightly amusing. My fiancé of four years took the chance to apologize today for all the negative memories that he was capable of building throughout our years together. He never meant to hurt me, he says. He still loves me, he says. He misses me. He wishes he could turn back time. Ironic, I say. If only these words would have reached my years months ago, I would have fell into the old, familiar trap; but today it felt like a feather falling on the ground. No noise; no pain; no gain. I had imagined this moment to be the triumphal reward to my many times of struggle and despair. Instead, nothing.

I learned, after the development of our conversation, that my ex fiancé has been recently dumped by his girlfriend, the same girl he cheated on me with while we were still living under the same roof. That, apparently, made him realize how much he misses me, and how he wants me back in his life…Honestly, I almost don’t know how to feel about this sudden discovery. One side of me feels sorry for him and wishes him the best for his “future endeavors”. The other side of me feels like he deserves just what he got, and that Karma always manages to do justice in the end. I mean, this is the same guy who for more than two years would refuse to set a date to finally get married, and now is coming back to me with his tail between his legs to admit he was wrong. I sorta feel evil. I shouldn’t be applauding his brokenheartedness while sipping on a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, and snacking on popcorn, but I am.

At some point in my life I gained the knowledge that what goes around ends up coming around just when you least expect it, but this particular event was the living proof of this notion. A while ago, while I still lived in the lovely state of Connecticut, a chance for sin and temptation presented to me during a late night of partying. At the time I was in touch with my ex boyfriend, yes the guy who didn’t hesitate to break my heart three times in a row (because I LET HIM, this should be clear). During my going away party, the owner of the night club I celebrated my last Saturday in Connecticut at nonchalantly offered me a few nights of mindless sex to enjoy before my final departure to California. At the time his proposal left me slightly indecisive: he was a wealthy, young, attractive and VERY charismatic man who truly didn’t have any problem finding a random partner to take home every night, if he wished to, the kind of successful guy that all the little groupies end up flirting with. I was tipsy and excited about the whole situation and he wound up walking me to my car, where we exchanged cell phone numbers and a promise to hang out in the near future. The morning after, as I was trying to recover from the tequila I had consumed the night before (or shall we say early morning??), I kept on thinking about the pledge we made to get together to “hang out”, and started feeling guilty. Even if I wasn’t in a full relationship with Mr. B (as in bastard), I felt like I still owed him the honesty of turning down Mr. Devil’s proposal in name of my integrity, and the feelings I had been developing for him in the meanwhile. I sent a text to Mr. Devil the Tempting to let him know that I had something going on with a very special man (what did I know, right?) who was waiting for me in California and that, therefore, I had to excuse myself from his “kind offer”, but that I appreciated his interest.

As I evaluate that decision today, I still feel like I did the right thing. Granted, in light of the knowledge of Mr. B that I possess today, he didn’t deserve my sincerity, my integrity, and the feelings that led me to turn down that indecent proposal. But, at the end of the day, I can rest assured that I did it for me also, for my honor, for my self respect, and for my personal awareness that I can be faithful to a man that decides to share his life with me. And, after all guys, Karma always strikes back, ALWAYS! As one of my favorite artists and women in the American music scenario once sang:

“Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right”

That’s what I call Karma. The truth is that if you have not been honest and purposely been reckless with someone’s heart, Karma will come to visit you while you’re sleeping soundly, dreaming sweet dreams of victory and glory, and take you for a painful, long ride. That’s what happened to my ex fiancé; he thought Karma had forgotten about his deeds by now. Hell no. Karma never forgets.

Today’s conversation with my ex fiancé ended with a proposal of a long weekend in Cancun. Ahahahahahahaah! When ridiculous meets life, uh? Same guy who threw my belongings out of our residence and on the side of the road, yelling at me to get the f** out of “his” house no more than three months ago, is now begging me to join him in some Mexican resort at the end of August, his treat of course. Once again, I excused myself and told him that I just wasn’t going to, this time not in name of the promises made by some far away lover who will probably betray my trust in a couple of months, but because of the feelings of self esteem and righteousness I developed for myself in these past few months of my life. I have worked too hard on myself to let it all go to waste in a weekend, even if such weekend were to be spent on a breathtaking resort on the beach facing the deep blue, crystalline waters of Cancun.

The strength of a woman and the rebuttal of ludicrous compromises are even more breathtaking than that. Word.

 

No I can't forget tomorrow when I think of all my sorrow when I had you there but then I let you go...

© 2010 Roberta S

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    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      That's a very interesting position Moncrieff. For certain aspects, I agree with you. Guilt does give you uncomfortable feelings that lead you to not feel at ease with yourself, therefore making you develop unpleasant emotions that nobody wants to deal with. However, on a more spiritual and less earthy level (and I am a very religious person as well) those feelings make you feel unpleasant because of a higher power that tranfer those emotions onto you. It may not make a whole lot of sense to someone who is more practical and less for the ethical meaning of life, but that's what I truly believe in. Thank you so much for your input.

    • moncrieff profile image

      moncrieff 

      8 years ago from New York, NY

      What is guilt? I don't think it's a moral issue. I think it's physiology, an unpleasant feeling, attacking the comfort of your psyche, whatever the reasons really are... fear, comfort, voice of reason, etc.

      So I think you followed what you were comfortable with and didn't dare to hurt your psyche and that's a right thing to do, unless you develop self-destructive traits.

    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      LOL!Thanks Tom, but, as I said, my birthday is tomorrow :)

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      8 years ago from home

      HEY HEY

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY TODAY

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU YOU YOU

      I AM SO EXCITED TO SAY IT AND TO WRITE IT

      HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY

      TH

    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Tom, my idea of cheating is much broader than the one held by a lot of people I know. I believe in emotional cheating as well, and regardless, if I did spend the night with that guy, I couldn't have looked Mr. B in the eyes in the same way I did. I am "foolish" like that. I dare Mr. B to find another woman who's gonna be THAT honest and see through to him...Karma is going to pay him a visit real soon, I've got this feeling inside...

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      8 years ago from home

      RH,

      GBy the way it really would not have been cheating .. but good job none the less.

      TH

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      8 years ago from home

      RH,

      Good for you their pal.... I am proud of you don't you feel better- don't ypou feel things starting to turn-You took the first step to the rest of your life- Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives". -- Abba Eban. You have helped yourself and the 2 timing, mexican vacation temptor of LIES....Fear not for some wise guy once said "The best revenge is living well". Now that that part of your history is truly his-storynow you have emerged from the shadow that has covered you...

      WHAT A GREAT bIRRTHDAY PRESENT FOR TOMORROW A TOTALLY FREE AND OPEN YEAR- AWAITS-

      Congradulations your free-but NOT EASY- Thats good-I am happy that you have progressed to your new Freedom-Bravo- Kudos- Not that it should matter but I am proud of YOU....Great job... You faced temptATION and WON... to quote the mASTER- "DO-NOT DO - there is no try-

      YODA

      Happy new life

      TH

    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Kristin, unfortunately we can't help but feeling the way we do for people, and sometimes we have to break their hearts in order to make ours free. I believe that, as long as you do it with integrity and honesty, then you've got nothing to fear. Karma strikes back when your actions lack those two hard to find qualities, integrity and honesty. I am not familiar with your specific circumstances, but I believe that if you didn't lie and maintained high standards in the way you interacted with this person, then you're safe in Karma's books.

      There is also a distinction to make between receiving a visit from Karma and having negative experiences happening to you. Usually the distinction is marked by the degree of the pain that one goes through as well. For instance, I believe that my last breakup with Mr.B was not the product of Karma's work; rather, it was an experience that I needed at this point of my life in order to be a healthier and more positively self-conscious woman. I fell with him too hard and way too soon. I understand today that nobody should do that, even if love is beautiful and being in love is a wonderful experience. It really doesn't matter. At the end of the story what happened is that I granted my love and my trust to someone I barely knew and who fed me a bunch of bullcrap just to get what he ultimately wanted from me (and I will leave the notion of what he wanted to your imagination). It was hurtful, for sure, but not the end of the world, and by now I have the capability of looking back at him and our time together and skim through the lies he told me with a more aware eye. I needed this experience, I really did, because next time I will fall in love I will not be diving into someone's existence without caring for the possibility of my heart to get broken, it will be a more conscious and mature choice.

      P.S. and I am NOT a saint :) lol!

    • ilmdamaily profile image

      ilmdamaily 

      8 years ago from A forgotten corner of a dying empire. OK, it's Australia :-)

      "Karma never forgets."

      This speaks to me, Roberta. Menacingly. It is the very fact I dread.

      Although never having cheated (it always seemed easier to break someones heart honestly than carry the guilt of betrayal forever), and having conducted myself with impeccable sincerity in all my relationships - I still feel irrevocably responsible for the hurt that happens/ed. And these are the words that haunt me.

      There is a lot to be said for integrity. Although sometimes - most of the time - it feels like a hollow victory. I think it just comes down to "who you are" on the inside. Some people are givers, others are takers. Givers can't help but live with integrity. Even when no-one's watching - because they live internally with the consequences of their own actions. Takers, while capable of living with integrity, do so with a utilitarian commitment. Integrity matters to them only so long as it improves their position. As soon as integrity "costs" them something, off they go.

      I must have built up a monumental amount of credit with Karma over the years...but i'm not sure if she's noticed, because i've yet to see it returned. I've spent the bulk of my life watching people with much looser commitments to the truth doing so very much better - and I am so very exhausted by coming last to everyone, while giving my best to them.

      In some ways, to be a giver is to be cursed. Your conscience damns you to "pick up the cheque" for all the transgressions of the takers in the world...and you begin to take to heart all of the damage you see them do to others, not just yourself. But you can't be anyone else other than yourself...so cursed you remain.

      Karma - if you're real - please contact me. It's getting awfully lonely.

      Good on you for living with integrity Roberta. I get the sensation you are felling at the hollowness of his apologies. The reward for you I think comes not from the apology, or the commitment to integrity itself, but in staying true to you - regardless of the cost.

      A martyr to the self - and thine own saint ;-)

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