I Didn't Cheat and I'm Glad
Moment of truth, finally, after years, I did get my moment of truth. It still feels bitter sweet, not completely fulfilling, yet slightly amusing. My fiancé of four years took the chance to apologize today for all the negative memories that he was capable of building throughout our years together. He never meant to hurt me, he says. He still loves me, he says. He misses me. He wishes he could turn back time. Ironic, I say. If only these words would have reached my years months ago, I would have fell into the old, familiar trap; but today it felt like a feather falling on the ground. No noise; no pain; no gain. I had imagined this moment to be the triumphal reward to my many times of struggle and despair. Instead, nothing.
I learned, after the development of our conversation, that my ex fiancé has been recently dumped by his girlfriend, the same girl he cheated on me with while we were still living under the same roof. That, apparently, made him realize how much he misses me, and how he wants me back in his life…Honestly, I almost don’t know how to feel about this sudden discovery. One side of me feels sorry for him and wishes him the best for his “future endeavors”. The other side of me feels like he deserves just what he got, and that Karma always manages to do justice in the end. I mean, this is the same guy who for more than two years would refuse to set a date to finally get married, and now is coming back to me with his tail between his legs to admit he was wrong. I sorta feel evil. I shouldn’t be applauding his brokenheartedness while sipping on a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, and snacking on popcorn, but I am.
At some point in my life I gained the knowledge that what goes around ends up coming around just when you least expect it, but this particular event was the living proof of this notion. A while ago, while I still lived in the lovely state of Connecticut, a chance for sin and temptation presented to me during a late night of partying. At the time I was in touch with my ex boyfriend, yes the guy who didn’t hesitate to break my heart three times in a row (because I LET HIM, this should be clear). During my going away party, the owner of the night club I celebrated my last Saturday in Connecticut at nonchalantly offered me a few nights of mindless sex to enjoy before my final departure to California. At the time his proposal left me slightly indecisive: he was a wealthy, young, attractive and VERY charismatic man who truly didn’t have any problem finding a random partner to take home every night, if he wished to, the kind of successful guy that all the little groupies end up flirting with. I was tipsy and excited about the whole situation and he wound up walking me to my car, where we exchanged cell phone numbers and a promise to hang out in the near future. The morning after, as I was trying to recover from the tequila I had consumed the night before (or shall we say early morning??), I kept on thinking about the pledge we made to get together to “hang out”, and started feeling guilty. Even if I wasn’t in a full relationship with Mr. B (as in bastard), I felt like I still owed him the honesty of turning down Mr. Devil’s proposal in name of my integrity, and the feelings I had been developing for him in the meanwhile. I sent a text to Mr. Devil the Tempting to let him know that I had something going on with a very special man (what did I know, right?) who was waiting for me in California and that, therefore, I had to excuse myself from his “kind offer”, but that I appreciated his interest.
As I evaluate that decision today, I still feel like I did the right thing. Granted, in light of the knowledge of Mr. B that I possess today, he didn’t deserve my sincerity, my integrity, and the feelings that led me to turn down that indecent proposal. But, at the end of the day, I can rest assured that I did it for me also, for my honor, for my self respect, and for my personal awareness that I can be faithful to a man that decides to share his life with me. And, after all guys, Karma always strikes back, ALWAYS! As one of my favorite artists and women in the American music scenario once sang:
“Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right”
That’s what I call Karma. The truth is that if you have not been honest and purposely been reckless with someone’s heart, Karma will come to visit you while you’re sleeping soundly, dreaming sweet dreams of victory and glory, and take you for a painful, long ride. That’s what happened to my ex fiancé; he thought Karma had forgotten about his deeds by now. Hell no. Karma never forgets.
Today’s conversation with my ex fiancé ended with a proposal of a long weekend in Cancun. Ahahahahahahaah! When ridiculous meets life, uh? Same guy who threw my belongings out of our residence and on the side of the road, yelling at me to get the f** out of “his” house no more than three months ago, is now begging me to join him in some Mexican resort at the end of August, his treat of course. Once again, I excused myself and told him that I just wasn’t going to, this time not in name of the promises made by some far away lover who will probably betray my trust in a couple of months, but because of the feelings of self esteem and righteousness I developed for myself in these past few months of my life. I have worked too hard on myself to let it all go to waste in a weekend, even if such weekend were to be spent on a breathtaking resort on the beach facing the deep blue, crystalline waters of Cancun.
The strength of a woman and the rebuttal of ludicrous compromises are even more breathtaking than that. Word.
No I can't forget tomorrow when I think of all my sorrow when I had you there but then I let you go...
© 2010 Roberta S