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Improve Your Partner's Sexual Performance

Updated on October 11, 2009


I'm the kinda guy that has a big sexual appetite. I loved your piece on girlfriends not being allowed to forbid a guy from watching porn. So I thought I'd write to you about this dilemma I'm having. I met a girl I really like. We hit it off big. But we have really boring vanilla sex. I am contemplating taking the relationship to a more serious level but like the guy that wrote you that porn question I can't spend the rest of my life trapped in the sex we have. Unlike that guy however, my girlfriend is open to porn and has even gone to strip clubs with me a few times. She's open. I know we can work this out. But I don't want to blow this. How do I delicately instruct her to do more in bed?

Thanks for your help.


Hiya Vinnie.

Let me start by saying its rare that one partner is unsatisfied with the sex life while the other partner is pleased with the sex life, unless of course the other partner is a repressed prude. Your girl sounds anything but prudish. So, consider this: the odds are very very good that she isn't enjoying the sex completely either.

I'm only bringing that up because I'm hoping this insight will make it easier for you to approach her about wanting to change your routine.

You're half way home with the fact that she sounds sexually liberated and secure enough to check out a porno or have some fun at a jiggle joint. So, she probably knows there are sex-things out there that you aren't utilizing: materials, toys, moves, positions, roleplay, scenes, games, fetishes, and techniques.

My advice, which is the usual advice I offer in most relationship matters, is to be honest. You don't have to be critical, hurtful, or dramatic. You could say, "I would like it if we could explore enhancing what we share sexually." You could be as specific as to say, "I would like to try a little bondage." Or, you could ask her what she would most like to try that she hasn't had the opportunity yet to experience. You might be surprised at how quickly she volunteers a position or an idea.

Many people saw Pirates of the Caribbean and drooled over Johnny Depp in that pirate gear. But not all those people approached their partners and asked, "If I buy a pirate costume, will you wear it to bed for me?" Vinny, your lady-friend may have ideas and thoughts but hasn't translated them into applicable sexual possibilities. Maybe all you need to do is to open the dialogue. Express your thoughts or fantasies. Ask about hers. Maybe her thoughts will flow and together you will figure out things you'd both like to try.

We all know the Friends episode where Rachel dressed up like Princess Leia for Ross. I put the clip below because it's worth a second peak.

If ideas aren't flowing suggest some. Start with some simple things. For example, try playing with a blindfold, or a can of Redi-Whip. Nude Twister. A new position. Giving each other lapdances. An hour of ten minute massages: first you, then her, then you... naked and oily but doing no more than touching. Try acting out a scene from a porno you like, or a sex scene from a movie you like. Try a new place like the kitchen or the office or the pool or the porch or the drive-in. Try it with the lights on. Try it with the lights off. Try it in total silence. Try filming yourselves, and then watching it later. You can be safe and careful and still be adventurous and wild.

When you bring up the subject I suggest you do it over dinner or while you're driving, NOT while you're in bed. That way it can be discussed and thought over at a comfortable time frame. I also suggest very strongly that you do not knock the sex you're having. Do not criticize or make her feel defensive. Do not say, "We need to do something because our sex life sucks." Do not EVER compare the sex you're having with the sex you've had with former partners. And my last suggestion is that you try anything she brings to the table. And yes, this may involve your dressing up like Captain Jack Sparrow. You don't know until you try what you might find fun, and you have a better chance of getting her to open up to you if you show her you are receptive to her fantasies. The odds are this effort will be a two way street.

I think it's great that you are concerned about her reactions and feelings, and that you know that you deserve to have a healthy sex life. I have no doubt you and your girl will find your way . Thanks for writing! Keep me posted.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.


All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

Friends - Ross and Rachel, Princess Leia Fantasy


Submit a Comment

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 10 years ago from NY


    I'm very happy to hear your good news! Thanks for letting me know.

    I certainly understand how your intimacy level would be enhanced by open and honest conversations about sexuality. It sounds like you two are well on the way to Forever. Good for you ;)

    You are right about the emails! GRRR! I haven't gotten any in a while! I updated my profile directing people to email me through my blog -

    - I get all my email through there without issue. I'm glad you made contact again through comments, and I am doubly glad that you realized there had to be a problem, that I wouldn't just not respond.

    Best to you-


  • profile image

    Vinnie 10 years ago

    Hey Veronica,

    Thanks so much for answering my email like this. I have tried emailing recently but haven't heard back from you. I saw in Forums that emails aren't getting through so I figured I'd reach you this way.

    You said to keep you posted. I talked to my girlfriend exactly as you said and it worked! She said she was open to trying anything. I think all that was going on before was that she was inexperienced and didn't know how to go about things. She was glad I was concerned about her feelings and she was very receptive to my wanting to take our relationship further.

    I am happy to report that we are doing great. We're trying all kinds of things and we talk all the time. I wanted to tell you Veronica that not only am I happier with our sex life, I also feel closer to her now. Thanks for your help!


  • profile image

    Helen 10 years ago

    I think that you are right. I didn't know I was such a snob until I started reading you 2 weeks ago on your blog. I am looking at myself through different eyes now. I don't want people to see me the way I see myself. I want to be more accepting of everyone. I am so glad I found you Veronica.