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Is there a secret to attracting women?

Updated on June 26, 2011

I've been musing about sites promising men they will attract more women using their product lately. Most of them are probably outright scams. Many basically tell you to act like a jerk or otherwise tell you to be something you're not. Almost all of them claim to be scientific—though I don't see any citations to peer-reviewed scientific material. With maybe one or two exceptions, they all treat women as if they are all exactly the same.

Seriously, I doubt that any of them truly work. At most, they merely instill confidence. Any “success” achieved will have more to do with the numbers.

Yeah, I know women say they want confident men. But let's look the one overwhelming fact—women reject most men's advances. Even setting aside impediments like having a husband/boyfriend, this fact remains true. Look at it this way. If a guy has plucked up enough courage to approach a woman, they must have at least some confidence. And most men have already done some self-rejection before approaching a woman, i.e., they don't try to hit on women they think are out of their reach. So a man is almost always confident enough there is at least some chance of success.

And it won't do to say something like women don't like men to appear to be too timid or too cocky. So now it isn't enough to “be confident.” I have to be confident enough, but not too confident. But both timidity and cockiness are in the eyes of the beholder. So the advice “be confident” has really just been rendered moot. Confidence may be helpful in attracting women, but it isn't the key.

Instilling confidence can be important, but not because it necessarily has any effect on the women you meet. It's really all just in the numbers.

Let's say that women, on average, reject you 90% of the time. Now let's say you approach on one in 10,000 women. Take a room of 10,000 women that you would find desirable. You will only approach one and get rejected.

But now you have “the secret!” You still haven't become the bravest guy in the world. You still only approach the women you think are within your reach. But now suddenly you are approaching 1 in 1,000 women. In that same room of women, you now approach 100 of them. Lo and behold, ten of them accept your advances. You get a little bolder, and start approaching 1 in 100 women. Now 100 of them accept your advances! This is starting to sound good, isn't it?

Not really, because you're still being rejected by 90% of the women you approach! The “success” you now have has nothing to do with “the secret” and everything to do with the simple fact you are approaching more women.

I think that is the dirty little secret of all these products promising you will attract more women. It doesn't really matter whether they increase your success rate. All they have to do is instill a little more confidence, making you approach more women then you would have before. And you will think your being more successful with women when “the secret” has done nothing to improve your success rate.


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