- Gender and Relationships
Self Improvement: Why Do Guys Say I’m Too High Maintenance?
I’m sure if you are a part of the dating world today you have heard the term “high maintenance” in referring to a girl. In some cases it can mean that a girl is superficial, wanting fancy dinners and expensive jewelry. In fact, that’s what most people think of when they think of the term “high maintenance.”
However, there is another type of high maintenance. These girls are not necessarily self centered and superficial, but they tend to be needy, whiny, and dependent. They are often the opposite of secure, confident, and independent girls.
Qualities of a High Maintenance Person
Cannot make decisions on your own
Don’t let things go, but instead nagging about the past
Putting another person in control of you, giving them added responsibilities
Having unrealistic expectations of your mate
Always wanting plans to go your way
Needing lots of unhealthy excitement and drama
Talking non-stop in an unfiltered way without listening much
Acting needy, helpless, fussy, and particular about things
Being inflexible about certain things; being overly picky
Requiring an unrealistic amount of attention from your mate
So, let’s go through each of these items one by one from the table above. If you are exhibiting one of these characteristics and believe it is affecting the end result of your relationships, let’s look at how you can do some self improvement to work on these items. Repeating a past mistake is the definition of crazy behavior, so let’s not be crazy! Are you game?
How Can You Practice Making Your Own Decisions?
- A Decision Making Process: A Decision Matrix for Problem Solving
Use this decision matrix for even the smallest decisions in order to decide them yourself. It will seem VERY tedious at first, but once you get the hang of it, you can breeze through the matrix in no time. Plus, over time, you won’t need it at all!
Bad Quality #1: Cannot make decisions on your own
Are you an uncertain person? Do you need advice with even the easiest decision? For example, should you go to the grocery store or post office first? Do you ask your mate before you make every little decision? Realize that can be annoying to them, and it shows them you don’t have a mind of your own; you are not very independent.
Don’t lose hope! Learn to make your own decisions on the little things that you would normally ask for advice on. Practice over and over again on any decision that comes across your path before hitting that send button on your text asking for advice.
Bad Quality #2: Don’t let things go, but instead nagging about the past
Do you find it hard to let things go that you two have fought over? Do you nag, harp, and bring up the past? Do you constantly fight? Why?
If you find yourself acting this way, try to understand the importance of your actions. Make sure that if you are going to bring up something from the past, it is worth it. Is it important to talk about again?
Is it worth jeopardizing your relationship over something minor or trivial? Don’t ignore warning signs, red flags, or sound judgment, but keep in perspective what is important and what is not.
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Bad Quality #3: Putting another person in control of you, giving them added responsibilities
Do you unintentionally put others in control of you? Do you twist them into making decisions for you? Do you give others added responsibilities regarding your life? Do you have them make decisions for you, acting helpless?
If you behave this way, you may be giving them an additional burden they do not wish to bear. If you ask them to remind you of something or act like you can’t balance your bank statement, you are doing this.
Take steps to control your own life. Make a cleaning list, learn to balance your own bank statement, go grocery shopping alone, and take care of yourself the best you can when you are sick. Reap the rewards of being independent. Take baby steps. If you are letting someone control you, do a small step in the right direction today.
What are you asking someone to do for you? Do you not like going grocery shopping alone? Practice over and over again. Take a baby step. Go once a week for thirty minutes. This way you won’t have to stay there long, carry many groceries in, or unload many groceries. Find a way to take small steps toward independence. Believe me; if you are able to do things for yourself, your man will be impressed.
Bad Quality #4: Having unrealistic expectations of your mate
Do you unrealistic expectations? Do you have a pre-conceived notion of what prince charming looks like? Can any man really meet that image? Do you really expect your mate to behave in a perfect manner?
Having unrealistic expectations of your mate can cause them to be aggressive or defensive. Your pre-conceived notions of how your man should behave can cause you pain and lead to unhappiness, because you will be disappointed and frustrated that he doesn’t live up to your expectations.
Instead, realize that everyone is different, meaning you will have disagreements. This doesn’t mean the end of your relationship though. Try to be curious and interested without judgment when handling delicate situations. Be compassionate and patient.
Try to consider where a person is coming from and what is important to them in order to have constructive conversations about issues important to you regarding your expectations. Communication will flow easier when you do not judge them based on your personal perspective of a particular situation, event, or activity.
Bad Quality #5: Always wanting plans to go your way
If plans change, do you pout, give the silent treatment, and act mad? Do you always have to have plans? Do you get upset when something comes up and messes them up? Are you difficult and not easy to impress?
If you think this may be you, you are a hard-person-to-please. This behavior is a passive aggressive way of saying you want your way and cannot bear a change in plans. The Buddhist philosophy of letting go of an attachment to a particular outcome applies here.
This philosophy impresses that you should aim to be more flexible and less rigid about the way things should be. This will help you become a more relaxed and peaceful person, and it will make you much easier to be around.
Bad Quality #6: Needing lots of unhealthy excitement and drama
Characteristics of a “Drama Queen” include:
- Looking for a partner that provides you with passion, conflict, and turbulence (intentionally or unintentionally)
- Finding ways to break the law or the norms of society in order to get excitement
- Seeking out unhealthy thrills or dangerous risky behavior
- Enjoying the opportunity to complain to others about how you have been mistreated in life or by someone
- Being drawn to addictive behaviors
- Making a big deal out of little things and/or exaggerating
- Becoming interested in people who are out of your reach, because they are a challenge
- Producing a drama show, directing it, and starring in it!
- Having eruptions of anger or crying fits or being high-strung
- Having a crisis when things are going smooth in your life
- Feeling unsatisfied and bored by things; not being able to handle a routine
To stop the need to create drama and excitement, consider the following suggestions:
1. Look honestly at your need to create drama and excitement
2. Try to find out why you might subconsciously be creating a need for excitement.
3. Work on appreciating the ordinary experiences in life. Find calming moments in your day each day.
4. Notice when you are being dramatic, and start a list of your behaviors in an effort to identify patterns. You may find a link between your desire to control situations and your need for drama.
5. When you begin to identify what is causing you to be dramatic, make yourself look at life in a more realistic manner. Don’t take everything so seriously!
6. Finally, if you find yourself in a drama show you created, stop yourself in the middle of the show! Before long, you will learn to cancel the show before the audience arrives!
Learn Listening Skills Today!
- Leadership Skills Training: Active, Effective Listening – Part 1
There is a difference between listening and hearing. Active listening can mean the difference between success and failure in life.
- Leadership Skills Training: Active, Effective Listening – Part 2
There is more to listening than hearing the words that come out of your employees mouths. When conversations take place, non-verbal cues may be the key.
Bad Quality #7: Talking non-stop in an unfiltered way without listening much
Do you tell your boyfriend everything – every detail of your day, all of your thoughts and feelings, etc.? Do you overwhelm him by being a chatter-box? Do you listen to him and ask about his day?
The best way to cut back on talking is to learn how to listen. A bonus to listening is that you become so much wiser when you listen instead of talking non-stop. Read the following articles on listening to pick up the skill and master it well.
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Bad Quality #8: Acting needy, helpless, fussy, and particular about things
Do you whine and fuss about needing help with things such as putting furniture together, hanging pictures, changing light bulbs, reaching things, putting electronics together, carrying things, or running errands?
Find your independence! Guys are so attracted to girls who can do things on their own. Buy a pink tool set to motivate yourself to do your own handy work. Purchase a sturdy step stool so that you can reach and hang things. Be a big girl, and change your own light bulbs.
Read the manual and put together your own surround sound system. Buy a mini grocery cart to carry your groceries from your car into your home. Whatever you need to do, do it! You are capable of doing it on your own, and you will find that being independent is much more satisfying than whining and relying on guys!
Bad Quality #9: Being inflexible about certain things; being overly picky
Do you stop the microwave before it beeps, because you can’t stand that beeping noise? Do you have to sleep with white noise on? Are you a picky eater? Do you require only a certain type of music be played in the car? Basically, are you a fussy person?
If you think you may be a bit high maintenance in this area, consider forcing yourself to endure things that make you uncomfortable. For example, in Oklahoma City, every Saturday at noon they test the tornado sirens. The sirens run at noon for three minutes. It is very annoying (to some people)!
If you can’t stand something like this, the best way is to stare it in the face like a pit bull. So, what I did to overcome this discomfort was to turn off the music and television during the sirens and just deal with it. I listened to it for the full three minutes every other week, and over time, the sound quit bothering me. So, do face the things that annoy you until you can endure them with ease.
Do you think you could be high maintenance?
Do you have one or more of the above qualities?
Do Some Self Discovery Today!
- Self Enlightenment: 101 Questions to Learn Who You Are
Do you wonder what your true likes and dislikes are? Have you turned into someone only for others’ approval? Know the real you by answering these self identity questions. Meet yourself before dating!
- Meeting Yourself before Meeting Your Soul Mate
Meet yourself. If you don’t know who you are, when you meet the right person, you may find out that you are with the wrong person. This article will teach you how to get to know yourself.
Bad Quality #10: Requiring an unrealistic amount of attention from your mate
Do you want your boyfriend to text, email, and call you throughout the day every day? Do you expect them to hang out with you every night or even spend the night? Do you throw a fit if he asks to hang out with his friends and insist that you be included in the gathering?
This kind of attention seeking behavior means you require a lot of time and effort. This can exhaust others. The best way to overcome it is to follow this two step progression:
1. Determine how much attention you typically require.
a. If you seem to be out of control, losing boyfriends left and right because of this need, you need shock therapy. This means being a bit more drastic. We will call you a Level 1 Attention Seeker.
b. If you think you may have a problem, but are not sure of the extent of it yet, we will categorize you as a Level 2 Attention Seeker.
c. If you have been told you request too much attention, but don’t believe it’s true, we will call you a Level 3 Attention Seeker.
2. If you are a Level 1 Attention Seeker, you need to do some things that will cause you discomfort.
First, you are probably addicted to your phone. Turn it off for two hours a day, a time when it would normally be busy. You need to learn to have other interests. You need to learn to be without your phone for a while.
Second, you need to cut back the amount of time you spend with your partner. You must learn to spend time alone. Find interests that you enjoy. Start a hobby. Volunteer. Get another part-time job. Do anything to keep you busy.
Third, realize that if you need to spend that much time with your mate, you may have trust issues that you need to deal with. If you don’t trust him, just become more informed without being controlling.
Example: Instead of saying he “can’t” go to a boxing match with his friends, ask which of his friends are going and ask if he will text you when he gets home.
This tells you two things: (1) Who he will be with (if you later talk to one of those friends about the match, and he denies going, your mate was lying, so move on!) and (2) You can feel confident that he isn’t drunk, out at strip clubs, or whatever else you are afraid of, because he will be calling you, hopefully at a reasonable hour.
Again, with a Level 1 Attention Seeker, you need to be more independent, not rely so heavily on the other person, and become more secure in yourself. Check out the following articles to learn more about yourself.
3. If you are a Level 2 Attention Seeker, you may need to exhibit some of the suggestions of a Level 1 Attention Seeker, but not to the same extent. Spend more time alone if you think you may be suffocating your partner. Spend more time with your family and friends.
4. If you are a Level 3 Attention Seeker, be sure to ask your exes (when they claim you require too much attention) what exactly that means. This is not for the sake of trying to win them back, but it is for the sake of your future. The only way you can change is if you want to for YOU and only you! However, you need to deduce what to change before you can change it.
Neediness or being high maintenance is not an attractive quality. Men do not find these women to be long term investments. A beautiful girl may be able to keep a man interested for a few months, but over time, if she exhibits the qualities listed in this article, he will get fed up with it and want to move on.
Guys do not enjoy being around a girl that is high maintenance for an extended period of time. So, make sure you are attractive inside and OUT! Beauty fades, so be a beautiful person on the inside – a girl he will want to marry!
Pictures: The images provided in this article were all provided by Michele Jones.
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