Why Your Husband is Not as Bad as You Think He Is
He's Not Perfect (and Neither are You)
Let me just start out by saying that my husband isn't perfect. And I've long known that I'm not a perfect person either. Let me spare you the mystery, you and your husband aren't perfect either.
I love my husband with my whole heart. I love the person he is now and the person he's trying to be. I love how he fathers our four kids. I love how he serves and protects me. I absolutely think he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, he's not perfect, and neither am I.
Sometimes we disagree. Sometimes we compromise and sometimes we dig our heels in and fight our side. Sometimes we are annoyed with each other. Sometimes we are hurt. Sometimes we are just tired, or whiny, or wanting to get our own way. Sometimes we would rather be the selfish one and not the self-less one.
I have come to a few conclusions about the rough patches of our marriage though: My Husband is Not as Bad as I Can Sometimes Think of Him.
Maybe some of my thoughts apply to you.
Reasons Why You are Mad at Your Husband (Maybe You Shouldn't Be)
Complaint: He isn't paying attention to me
Point to Consider: Are you making yourself accessible to him? Have your children taken over his spot in your universe? Have you allowed your work or your friends to consume you to the point that he feels shoved to the side? Of course your quick response is going to be a firm, "Of course I'm not ignoring him." Even if you don't think that you are, maybe it would be a good idea to ask him. Yes, have a conversation with him. Invite him to a date, just the two of you, and show him he's special by giving him your attention. Dining out, going to an event, playing outside together: the venue doesn't matter. What does matter is that you are showing your hubby that you are willing to drop everything and be with him.
Complaint: He seems distant
Points to Consider: Is he overwhelmed at work, with a project, or a life circumstance? Most men want to provide stability for themselves and their family. When shaken, they may or may not confide in you their feelings of sinking. Instead of blaming him for being distant, perhaps try to be empathetic to the circumstances of this day.
OR Perhaps he is just tired. Simple explanation, right? Well, my husband has more than once told me, "I'm a simple guy. I'm not trying to hide anything. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not trying to ignore anyone. I am just tired." Eye opening thoughts for me, since sometimes I can over think and over read his actions. Sometimes a man just needs his space. Don't we all?
Complaint: He's so edgy about everything
Points to consider: Maybe he's tired. Maybe he feels like he's too restricted when he gets home from work. Allow him the time and space to take a quick nap (take turns, you'll need one too!). Agree on allotted time for the both of you to have alone time and then try your hardest to not nag him about what he does with his free time. Maybe you'd spend your free time with a friend over coffee, but that's not his thing. Let him fire up his chainsaw and get dirty outside. Let him turn on the tv. Let him go on a run or a bike ride. Give the man some space, tone down the nagging, and he'll probably be a little calmer.
Complaint: He's acting like a little boy
Point to Consider: Haven't you realized that men are just grown up versions of rambunctious, adventurous, risk taking, sometimes mischievous little boys? Think back to your dating years. Didn't you actually like this trait in him?
Watch an episode, any episode, of "America's Funniest Videos" and you will notice men are the predominant characters in the videos. They are the ones who are blowing up things, destructing things, chasing or riding things that are dangerous, jumping off of places they shouldn't, etc. Men were made for adventure, for risk, for a journey, a chasing after something, a chance to do something epic.
I agree that tracking mud into the house after such adventures can be annoying. I also agree that hurting oneself or say, blowing up your garage, can have lingering negative consequences. However, I am just reminding you to try to see it from his perspective, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
Complaint: He has a bad pattern of ......(fill in the blank)
Point to Consider: We, as women, tend to look for patterns and we also can get into traps of generalizing things (men do this too). For example, we might think or say, "You always" or "You Never...." These statements are rarely appropriate because they are almost never true. Try addressing each situation as it arises instead of lumping things into bigger categories.
Complaint: Why do I always have to tell him how I feel? Isn't it obvious how I'm feeling?
Point to Consider: Men aren't Mind Readers
My husband has been telling me for years, decades now, that he is not a mind reader. This still is a surprise to me sometimes. No matter how long we've known each other, he still can't guess my thoughts with any sort of precision. Why? He's wired differently. He has a guy brain-- a mostly analytical one. I have a girl brain-- which happens to be mostly emotional. And according to his own verbiage, "Men are simpler than women."
Let me explain. I can be any of several versions of mad: a little mad, slightly annoyed, all out angry... like different shades of red. According to my husband, he just reads, "mad". He may or may not notice the degree of my annoyance/frustration. This usually upsets me. I want him to know me without me having to explain myself. This confuses him. Which leads back to the complaint of, "He Isn't Paying Attention to Me". Now see where we've ended up? Right back at the beginning of the list of complaints.
Now, why were you mad at your husband in the first place? Maybe you've forgotten by now or it just doesn't seem that big of a deal after all.
He needs space.
You need to chill out.
Maybe a simple discussion could clear a lot of things up.
Maybe it's not as big of a deal as you think it is.
What You Can Do to Calm Yourself Down
Yell in a pillow
Make a list
Scream out the window
Ask him questions
Ask yourself questions
Sleep on it and reassess in the morning