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Why do couples change after marriage?

Updated on October 8, 2014

‘Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.’ –Tom Mullen

You have rosy dreams of your marriage during your love days. Your love is so intense that you are totally bewitched by each other. Your love exceeds your expectations and thrives beyond limits as you eagerly await your wedding.

Your wedding day is a dream day of your life and everything looks absolutely fairy -tale -like. I can easily point out the newly married couples from couples married for some years. Newly married couples lean towards each other while mature couples look away from each other.

  • Why are couples bored after a few years of marriage?
  • Why can’t they sustain their love?
  • Is married life really so tough that couples are bored with it?

The top most reason is the great expectations they have about each other! Most couples have unrealistic dreams about their married life. Your dreams about an idealistic married life remain a pipe dream when you and your spouse do not work to make it a reality.

It is your unrealistic dreams and idealistic expectations that shatter your married life. In actual fact you or your spouse do not lose your love after marriage! But the circumstances of your married life changes! Your reaction towards your changed situation becomes the parameter for the happiness you enjoy in your relationship.

After marriage it feels great to be together with the person you ardently loved. You share the same house, share your love and everything looks fabulous.

You feel nothing can go wrong with your marriage!

This is the major mistake you make when you begin your married life. When you are too focused on the blissful angle of your relationship, you cannot accept the problematic angle you have to face in your day to day life with your spouse.

You think that the happy –go- lucky-love- days will continue throughout your married life. But you are shattered when it never realizes as you are pressed down by many commitments and responsibilities. Instead of accepting it as a part of marriage, you assume it to be a prelude to difficult days ahead in your relationship.

What are the changes you and your spouse undergo after marriage?

  • You doubt the love and care of your spouse.
  • You no longer want to spend your free time with your spouse.
  • You are exasperated by some habits of your spouse and make it a big issue.
  • You buckle under many family commitments and responsibilities.
  • You feel that your spouse is too questioning and interfering.
  • You feel you have to shoulder more responsibilities than your spouse.

‘Familiarity breeds contempt’ goes the old saying. Strangely it seems applicable in your relationship also. You get too used to your spouse that nothing about him\her excites you any longer. You have a lengthy complaint galore about your spouse as if there was nothing appreciative in him\her.

What are the common complaints you have about your spouse?

  • He\she does not do anything according to my liking.
  • He\she does not listen to me.
  • He\she does not respect me.

Can you see how focused you become on yourself after your marriage. You do not see the viewpoint of your spouse, but narrow your thoughts around your wish. This is the top reason why most marriages struggle to find a firm foothold.

Before marriage, you want to do everything for your spouse, but after marriage you want your spouse to do everything for you. Why this volte face? You do not care enough to make your marriage work! You do not bother to understand your spouse better and do not have the mindset to make things right in your relationship.

You also tend to get bored with each other and you no longer feel refreshed to be with your spouse. Before marriage your thoughts are ‘I want him\her to be with me always’. But after marriage you do an about turn and say ' I want some personal time for myself’.

Make some small changes in your attitude towards your spouse and you see a vast improvement in your relationship!

  • When there is enough spacing between you, you are not bored with each other.
  • You should have some personal money to satisfy your inner cravings.
  • There should be mutual respect for each other so that you do not degrade one another.
  • You should accept the fact that your spouse is an individual and does not have to tow your line to the dot.

Such small changes in your attitude towards your spouse works wonders to your marriage. Do not tread too closely on your spouse, but leave a space so that he\she enjoys some fresh air of freedom. You should build your married life on trust, love, adjustment, acceptance and tolerance. Do not defeat your married life by your indifference, intolerance, disrespect and distrust.

© 2014 mathira


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    • mathira profile image

      mathira 3 years ago from chennai

      billy, couples can solve many of their problems if they support each other. Hope you had a great day.

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      Beatrix Harvey 3 years ago

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      Robert E Smith 3 years ago from Rochester, New York

      This is very short but powerful in content. It describes situational conditions and changes in marriage very well. I begin to sound like a looped tape or a broken record because I say in almost every one of the comments I make on marriage hubs that the reasons that people change are because people are basically selfish, and ungrateful. If you remember the days of dating/courtship you have to admit to yourself that something in your manner toward your spouse has changed. If you are honest you can see that much of the change is in yourself.

      When you were dating and were overcome with an urge to belch you did your best to be polite. Everyone does but somehow now you don't. Why? When you were dating/courtship you would help open doors and help gather dishes so you could give small looks of admiration at the person you thought you would spend your life with. Now you don't, you just sit there while she does the dishes. Why?

      I think the first reason is before you were chasing and after you have caught. Before she may not ever be yours and after she is stuck a lifetime. Ungrateful, unloving, disrespectful, selfish. All of these things are in practice everyday by people who would begin to die inside should their mate be suddenly gone. How do you remedy this?

      I thing the first way is to realize that you have become lazy. You find that if you don't do something your mate will have to eventually. You find that chores are work and begin to elect not to help with such. You find that soon you think she does not deserve a thank you for things that are routine only the big things. She deserves nothing. She on the other hand sees this and shifts into a gear where the routine is all she knows. Like some servant indebted to a master all she knows is to get through the work of today and only to see the work of tomorrow. She looks for the Before time when little things were said and done, where looks were exchanged and quips made in fun and jest.

      So what is the answer. Well in my opinion God is the answer. But people who don't know God have to find the strength on their own to break the cycle and go back to the before time and remain their until their spouse recognizes the effort and joins them in that mode of interaction. It seldom happens because that place where waiting takes place is very lonely, frustrating and most people are not strong enough to do it long enough to make it work.

      Well, here is my simplistic way. Find God. He is right there. Accept Him into your heart and confess to Him that you love your spouse and need Him to save you and your marriage. Then rely totally on Him to give you strength and the words to say and the wisdom to say them at the right time. He will make your marriage work. People who try this method find they will improve the situation. They will always improve it but trust and hurt takes time and many times there is just too much hurt or distrust for the person to believe it is real and they have to leave.

      My first marriage failed. I was one of those men. I realized and changed. I had given all things to the Lord. I worked very hard and became very different. I prayed for us all the time. Things were improving and then something snapped and she was gone. In her mind, too much life had gone from her. I had taken too much of her away. She could not make the connection again despite the sincerity of my heart. God let her see that I was different but she now was different too.

      She later told me that I was her best friend even during and after the divorce but she was a different person too different to try again.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

      A very common problem with many covered it well...sometimes one member grows in one direction while the other stagnates or grown in a different direction....but you can still support each other in your endeavors.