I messed up and need advice

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    MrBigglesWorth88posted 19 months ago

    I've been in a relationship with a 21 year old women (lets call her Z) for over a year. We both come from Indian families, hence we are under some pressure due to some part of Indian culture and society.

    I have made a few mistakes over the past, and i admit it. Mistakes like, lying, watching porn, etc ...

    For example, Z and i work together, when she first started (lets say Z's first 4 months) she ended up having a little war with a few other employees that worked with her. These people were also my friends. Basically they didn't like Z and Z didn't like them. Basically, at the time that i was friends with this group, we had a group conversation on a mobile messaging app. On this group conversation, we (the people Z hated) talked about many things. Eventually the group ended up trash talking about Z. As this was happening, I didn't want to hurt Z's feelings; she's quite emotional, hence I tried to spare her feelings and deal with it personally so that i could change their minds. Eventually Z found out and got upset. She stated that I had been lying and hiding the group from her. Months pass, and then eventually, both us of get confronted by this group of my old friends. At this point it is important that i didnt tell them we were dating, and this was at the request of Z. Long story short I took my change and decided to stick with Z.

    Months later after that, Z starts acting a little weird to me. Turns out she had thoughts of cutting herself. I asked her some questions, about whether or not she was depressed, asked (pleaded) her to go see a doctor, to which she did, and it turns out she got diagnosed with depression. She was then given a prescription for anti-depressants. Talked with me sister, a health major, in private and learned that anti-depressants can mess people up, but i didnt take any action then because nothing happened. Then one night, and this is weeks later on, i get a call at 12 AM in the morning. Its Z, she's sad, depressed, and considering on hurting herself. Quickly, i get outside and start trying to talk her out of it. Telling her that she has me (her boyfriend), she has friends, co-workers, etc.. that care for her. I end up contacting her friends to message her, to show Z that they care. She eventually gathers her thoughts, and calms down from doing anything.

    Now fast forward a few months. I've lost 2 more friends for her and to be honest, these 2 ex-friends are assholes. I am actually glad i cut them out of my life. Now fast forward 2 months later. I have been caught watching porn. Embarrassing right? Well she is mad and i get it. She stated that she considered it cheating and of course i apologize. Fast Forward 2 months and now and i've been caught lying again about watching porn a few times. I know. I'm terrible. Fast forward again and here we are. I have stopped her from hurting herself around 7 times, from choking herself with a cord, to banging her head across walls, to hitting her head with whatever she can get her hands on, to trying to burn herself with a lighter, to trying to take Euthanasia powder (illegally). Her trust is completely gone, im trying to do anything i can to get it back (not giving up here), im spending quite a lot of time with her making sure she doesnt feel alone. We skype everyday, once we get home, so that she can see im not watching porn (which is annoying and makes me angry because my freedom is almost all gone but i do it cause she ends up feeling better and doesnt cry). She is too needy and jealous. I have given up 2 shifts at my part time job because she doesn't like me working with a few girls (i have no choice, im scheduled for it) and if i dont give them up or exchange it, she starts thinking that i like them and all that other stuff and blah blah blah.

    If i end up saying no to her or end up arguing with her, and at times when she doesnt try to listen to what im trying to tell her, i'll admit that i yell and curse(like 'are you fucking kidding me', not 'fuck you'), she'll believe im wishing harm on her, she'll cry, she'll hurt herself. I once listened to her choking herself with a cord, and trust me its not something you ever want to hear from your Significant other. Now i agree i do have some anger issues and i am trying not to yell or curse, but almost anything i say or anything that happens will put her into an upset state, crying, breaking down, banging her head,..... you know the works. I am seriously regretting this relationship. I want to break up, but it if try to, like the last seven times, she crys, hurts herself and calls back. And because i stupidly care for her alot, i answer and we get back together.

    For gods sake, she got upset about me leaving to go on vacation with family. I have barely spent time with my family, because im too busy with work, school and making her feel better about herself and being comfortable; hence its reasonable to want to spend some time with them. But she doesnt want me to go because and get this 'I haven't slept over at your place before' and 'I didnt go on family vacations for you'. Heres the thing, i never once told her to not go on a family vacation. I just saw her a moment ago, im working, she had just cut herself and she doesnt look to well, she just stated that she bleed a little. I literally ran, could get fired for this, just to catch up to her, during work hours, to tell her to sit down to rest, for a moment, because she looks like she will pass out any minute, and all she could say is that she had to hand in her assignment. Im at my wits end.

    I feel that if this relationship continues on i may do something that i dont mean to, i may hurt myself, i may suicide, i dont know but at least she'll be happy that im still with her even though, down the road we are going to argue and shes either going to try to hurt herself again or overdose. But if i end this relationship she will most likely try to hurt herself and possible succeed to killing herself. Im not ready to deal or handle with her death ever. I know for sure that if she dies i will break down.

    Please help me. I need advice. she's not a bad person, if anything im the one thats bad.