Once you had children, did you find you were married to a different person?
I learned that I was married to a different person about three times during the course of my 15 year marriage. The LAST "person" I was married to was so intolerable that I decided to NOT be married to ANY of them!!!!.....
In my case -- sort of, but not really. With my ex-husband, having our son only made what I already knew more patently obvious -- there was a maturity issue, and anything that involved taking care of someone else would be my responsibility.
My husband is the oldest of six biological and five adopted siblings, with 15 years' difference between him and his youngest sibling. His biological father was in prison for most of the time he was with that family, and his mother an addict. His adopted mother was a single parent who worked extremely long hours. In both cases, he became the de facto "parent" to his siblings. By the time we met, he also had three grown daughters and one nearly-grown son, so his track record as a parent or parental figure was already very well-known to me. He also knew that my son from my previous marriage was part of the package when he and I got together, so I've known from the start what kind of parent he is. Now we have had two children together as well. The only thing that's really been different over the years with the addition of kids is that I get to see those excellent parenting qualities in him even clearer, and come to understand even more how much he's willing to sacrifice for them and for me. Fundamentally, he's still the same person I've always known him to be, just better-polished now .
Yes. People change throughout life. We grow, evolve. Sometimes, those changes are for the better; other times for the worse. I have found that people have roles to play and we have different expectations with each role: boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, father/mother.
Our parenting styles come from different places in our psyche (how we were raised, our insecurities/fears/hopes/dreams, etc.) Some of this stuff is so buried in our subconscious that when they arise to affect our parenting skills, it can be surprising.
Your question probably refers to something such as...your once-carefree and light-hearted husband can turn into an overly controlling father. I hear of a lot of men who, because they were super riotous in their own youth, hold a tight rein on their own teens. They don't want their kids to get into the trouble they did.
The whole "I married a different person" thought sadly affects a lot of marriages. People play roles. I always encourage them to play them all. You can be a great mommy, a great wife *and* still the great fun and loving girl he fell in love with. We are not one dimensional beings.
It's harder for women to switch hats, especially because mommy role is so consuming. My husband has a hard time getting me to let go of that role for an evening out but with practice, I can recall that I am my own person, too. As well as his lover and best friend.
No, he was the same wonderful guy. But I learned he was also a great father and I hadn't really given that much thought before our kids came along. We did have some adjustment since we had been married 11 years when or first was born - so he was used to having all my attention. But he adapted well, they are grown and he has all my attention once again.
it differs from person to person and also based on customs and tradition of area /community. i like this hub.
No. I found out I was married to a different person almost immediately after the wedding. As they say, "Men marry women hoping they won't change, and women marry men hoping they will."
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