Can you determine a good person from a bad person when you first meet? If so, how?
I have so much trouble with people because I can't tell if they are friend or foe until they stab me in the back. Do you have any suggestions that might help me?
I’m sorry to hear that some people are treating you so badly. It is a reflection upon them, of course, but that doesn’t make the back-stabbing hurt any less. The best thing to do upon first meeting people is to realize that they really are strangers to you. Consequently, it is best that you NOT reveal your vulnerabilities and feelings about personal matters too quickly or in any depth. Mean people love to attack others’ vulnerabilities. They are insecure individuals who have the need to bring empathetic people down so that they can feel superior. In reality, there is nothing superior about them, since they live their lives on a low level of consciousness.
Anyway, in truth, there is no way to know if anyone is “good” or “bad” right away. In time, these people reveal their true natures, but meanwhile, your job is to observe actions and keep your communication relatively light. It’s hard to do, but necessary if you are going to protect yourself. I’ve also written a hub that deals with this matter somewhat. It is entitled, The Problem With Evil: How To Recognize the Presence of Malevolence.
Also, the hubber, SinDelle, has some excellent articles on narcissism, which you may find helpful in recognizing back-stabbers. Best of luck to you. I've been stabbed in the back too, so I know where you're coming from.
I try to see good in everyone and thus I get burned a lot. But sometimes, I think it is worth it to see the good others try to hide so they can look big.
Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship and friendship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.
Not everyone is worth your "emotional investment" or time.
Cheryl....It's probably quite convenient that we can't see our back all the time. I'm sure we'd lose count of the stab wounds. Let me cheer you up. If this has happened only a few times that you're aware of~~think of all the numerous times you've been stabbed without knowing!
Do not fret. What you speak of is a common occurrence due to Human Nature. It requires years of experience which includes a whole lot of hard knocks, to learn how to maintain our balance and keep our heads high.
As Yves has noted, keep in mind, these unpleasant incidents belong to the back-stabber, not you. The biggest mistake we can make, is to seek vengeance. Continue going forward and up as the bigger, better person. Can you say, "Karma?" She is our friend and always shows up at the precise time. Just like Wonder Woman & Superman.
The reality simply is, unless you are psychic or possess magical, mystical powers, you cannot know the inner beings (pure or evil) of another individual. We can only trust, hope and remain who we are at our very core.
Imagine how dreadful life would be to be ever-cynical and paranoid with regard to the entire world, each and every day. Think of all the beauty, love and joy that would escape our grasp because we are always in defense mode. How sad & empty we might be. I'm certain I do not want a life of fear & suspicion to bring me down. I'm guessing you don't want that either!....Yesterday is the Past, the future, unknown....and Yes, Today is a "gift," which is why it's called the Present! (You knew that, didn't you?!) Peace, Paula
I doubt that Cheryl will become cynical and I know you're not suggesting she will. I agree that we must continue to enjoy life, but we still have to remain alert. Evil has a way of contaminating whatever it touches. We must therefore be cognizant.
True Yves, so true. And it's good we remind one another of keeping our antennae up high & in condition. It can be easy to fall back in some circumstances and it's usually when we get re-injured!
Thank you for your words of kindness. I see so many people who just 'knew' someone was bad, yet I only see the good in all and then get hurt a lot.
Y & P offer some good perspective to this all too common problem. That backstabbing is common, however, does not make it less difficult when one is slapped in the face with it. I'm sorry you've had to endure it. Life would be different if this weren't a fallen world, but it is. There is good news, though. A new day is coming!
In the meantime there is guidance. Some of it is warning to all of us to do what is right as well as encouragement to those who suffer because of others' behaviors. When it comes to backstabbing a few verses come to mind: Proverbs 26:27 says "Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling," and Ecclesiastes 10:8 is a parallel, "He who digs a pit may fall into it, and a serpent may bite him who breaks through a wall." One example of this truth comes from Esther 7:10, "So they hanged Haman on the gallows which he had prepared for Mordecai...." It isn't that we should wish for such revenges, but it is that judgement is what sin brings upon the unrepentant sinner.
There's much more to consider but maybe this will help you get started on thinking things through. You might like to study the life of Hannah, one of Elkanah's wives, who suffered under the pressure of his other wife, Peninnah. Her example as a woman of faith still speaks to us today.
I thank you also for the kind words. I sometimes wonder if life has a dry sense of humor and that is what I keep experiencing.
Life can indeed sort of feel like a Murphy's Law conspiracy! But the reality is that sin is everything God says it is.
Since everyone has their own moral code each of us has our own definition of good and bad. We also are attracted to those who have certain traits. Oftentimes these are traits we feel we lack.
Each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
Only (you) know what traits (you) are looking for in a friend.
One common mistake made by many folks is giving people "the benefit of the doubt" or "I'll trust anyone until they prove me wrong" philosophy. That's a conman's dream!
Allowing people to get close to you based upon "happenstance" or "impulsive connections" is the equivalent of going shopping without a list!
As I stated only you can define what being a "good friend" is to you. Once you know what traits you desire in a friend stick to (your list).
Allow people to (earn) your trust over time as they demonstrate having the traits that (you) desire. It takes time to truly get to know most people.
In many instances your gut instinct will tell you if someone is shady. Don't ignore "red flags" to be accepted by others.
If something doesn't feel right to you it's probably not right for you.
Don't feel obligated to befriend people or say "yes" to invitations or requests as to avoid possibly hurting someone's feelings.
"If you live for people's acceptance you will die from their rejection."
"Many are called but few are chosen."
Thank you for your inspiration, dashingscorpio, however my 'gut feeling' about people doesn't seem to work. Part of my problem, I guess, because I don't seem to get a gut feeling about anyone, am I missing something?
Probably not. A lot of people prefer to go on "auto-pilot" when it comes to meeting new people and "watching" things happen instead of being "proactive" and being the driver in their life decisions. Taking charge of life is a "conscious choice"
For me, you can't really tell if a person is good or nah in the first time you meet. I think the longer time we spend time with them, the more things we discover about them. People can have two or more ‘faces,’ and of course, they choose which one to display and we can't tell which one is the realest.
Fake people can fool mostly everyone. ‘Good actors’ can make y'all believe that they're something good but in reality they're not. Unfortunately, with their 'skills,' we unconsciously make the wrong move of welcoming them in our lives. And we will only realize it after months, years, or if they showed their real colors.
Two things that I want you to remember: observe & trust a few.
First, if you're tired of being back stabbed, I think you should observe. Observe the people surrounding you whether they are new or old people in your life. You can learn a lot about them through observing, you know. Especially, action speaks louder than words so yeah.
Second thing is, trust a few. Trust is one of the reasons why we're hurt when we knew that a peer backstabbed us. Because of course, we actually trusted that person so that fact, I think, makes us angry or annoyed, or what. So I recommend trusting only a few people, and just giving your trust to those who really deserve it. Your heart will know if someone is deserving.
However, we cannot judge someone like if we just sense something's not right about him/her and we feel like that person is not being real, we can't just spill it right after. Our instinct might be wrong.
What I said is just an opinion from a play safe person a.k.a me. I don't have lots of friends because I believe that I'll be very happy if I have a few real friends than lots of fake friends. And I don't trust quickly though. I mean I don't know, I just don't feel like trusting people fast.
We can't do anything about the good actors; it’s their life anyway. The least thing we could do is be real. Be our self, but be the best version of our self. Remember, fake can't be fake forever. Real colors cannot be hidden forever. It will soon explode like a bomb, man.
But idk tho, this is just my opinion hehez
Great answer! I learn a lot from observing as well and, yes, many eventually show their 'true' colors. However, I don't seem to get to that point with people until after they have won my trust. Thanks for the good advice.
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