Homeless & Dating: female, 50 yrs old

  1. BarryGuevaConner profile image61
    BarryGuevaConnerposted 5 years ago

    Hi, I posted this yesterday and for some reason it got removed. I apologize in advance for repeating myself. I didn't get to read the replies(6). I'm new & don't know what I did wrong.
    I have a friend I'm trying to help out. She sent me an email and I'm excerpting it as best I can.
    She's going through a bit of a rough time. I'm not sure what direction to point her in. I would appreciate opinions. Mine is very simple but I'm not sure it's so simple. So here goes: My friend lives in her car & met someone. Her ex thinks she should tell the guy because then he'll let her live with him. I don't think this is a good idea. Honesty is best of course but I don't think this is the way to start a friendship. I know someone who went through a similar situation & it didn't end well at all. I don't know what to tell her to avoid lying but also avoid the truth as well.

    She met this man at a place where she and her ex husband dance. He seems nice. When he asked her where she lived she told him in the area. She doesn't think it's his business or problem. She says she just wants friends which I think is the right course to take. Personally, I don't recommend telling a date you don't know where you live. Plus, if this friendship goes nowhere it's not going to matter. No one in their dance group(or anyone else other than me) knows she is homeless, they don't know she and her ex are divorced and they can be quite judgmental and gossipy. Also if it goes nowhere she doesn't want it to be uncomfortable because she & her ex will continue to see the man at their favorite venues(why I recommend friendship only). Plus, her relationships always end badly.
    She has no family or anyone else that can help her. I agree not to burden new friends with a living situation they can do nothing about. It puts an undue strain on what could otherwise be a good relationship. This is her problem and hers alone. She expects to buy an RV soon. Maybe a year.

    My questions: #1.... If you found out someone you were interested in was homeless, would that be a deal breaker? If they lied or omitted information would it be a deal breaker?

    #2.....If you found that someone you were dating was homeless would you be angry they didn't tell you? Would you understand? Would you be glad they didn't burden you with it? Her last BF didn't think sleeping in a car was homelessness. Would that be your mindset? Would living in an RV/camper make a difference? Would that be acceptable?

    Personally, I think she should keep her living situation to herself until she sees where this is going. What do you think?

    Would love to hear men's viewpoints on this. But want to hear everyone's opinions. Thank you in advance.

    1. dashingscorpio profile image69
      dashingscorpioposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      "Honesty is best of course but I don't think this is the way to start a friendship." - I disagree with that statement if it's a courtship.

      If it's just a potential friendship I can understand if someone lied because they were "embarrassed" about their living situation. A "friend" would not be upset at learning the truth later on. Most likely they would empathize.

      However speaking of "friends" both (you and the ex-husband) are supposedly her "friend" and yet neither of you seem to be willing to let her sleep on your couch or floor! That does not speak well for being a close friend in my opinion. Usually when someone is homeless there are a couple of factors which contribute to their being homeless:

      1. Misplaced pride of the homeless person.
      He or she is too proud to ask for help from friends or family to move in temporarily until they find a job and can afford to move out on their own.

      2. They have done something in the past which alienated them from friends and family. You often see this with drug addicts who have stolen or been involved in criminal or illegal behavior.

      3. Last but not least they have a mental illness and refuse to consistently take their medication and are unwilling to enter into an institution.

      #1 I would not choose to date a homeless person.

      If I found out they lied or omitted information I would suspect there is way more they are hiding from me and most likely one of the aforementioned scenarios I listed above contributed to their homelessness.

      #2 I wouldn't necessarily be angry but I would find it difficult to trust them. In order for me to be understanding they'd have to reveal everything to me about how they ended up homeless and what their plans are along with why they lied or misled me. Behind every homeless person is a story.

      In my opinion living in a RV camper is equivalent to being homeless and living in a bigger car. If she moved into an actual mobile home park with an address I'd see that as being a step up. However someone just moving around town and parking overnight to sleep is still homeless.

      You also mentioned her "relationships" (plural) end badly.
      "Her last BF didn't think sleeping in a car was homelessness."
      Apparently he too didn't care enough about her to let her stay with him!

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
      Each of us has our mate selection process/must haves list.
      Each of us has our boundaries and "deal breakers".

      The only thing all of her failed relationships have in common is (her).
      Maybe it's time she reexamined (her) mate selection process.

      In the mean time dating and relationships should take a backseat to getting her own place or buying the RV. Finding a job which provides a livable wage should be her top priority so she can get a place to live.

      When we change our circumstances change.

      Your friend should focus on making herself more marketable in the job market, seek out government assistance programs for the homeless and connect with friends and family members however far they may be.

      Too often when people kill themselves their loved ones regret not knowing how dire their situation was prior to their decision. Sometimes one must be willing to "humble them self" and {ask for help}.
      Odds are if you're a hard working honest person who has just fallen on hard times people are more than willing to help you get back on your feet.
      Sometimes it's necessary to relocate to find better life opportunities.

      https://hubstatic.com/14310694.jpg

  2. BarryGuevaConner profile image61
    BarryGuevaConnerposted 5 years ago

    Thanks for the reply Dash....

    I wish I could let her stay with me but I have 2 roommates, no room & a strict lease agreement that doesn't allow people to stay. Her ex lives in a falling down shack(literally). (Hurt his back on the job & lost it, long story.)

    She doesn't have mental illness, addiction, etc. & has a job/income. But not enough. She has no family, no friends that can help. People are very judgmental of homelessness. They think wino/drunk begging for a nickel. Who wants to be friends with that person?
    She is saving for an RV but it's going to take a bit of time.

    She doesn't qualify for public assistance & has no kids. She can't get EBT either, they say she makes too much. Doesn't qualify for housing assistance & even if she did there'd be a 2 yr wait.

    She's not looking for a relationship just friendship. Dating doesn't constitute a relationship.
    The one thing in common in all of her relationships is they were all scumbags but were good at pretending to be otherwise. Her therapist said the reason she can't find a lasting relationship with a good man is/was her parents fault. They are deceased.

    I posted this question to a couple of other forums and it's unfortunate but what I'm gathering is she should keep her living situation to herself. Also the dance group is a tight knit bunch of people & they wouldn't understand. We all go to the same venues because we like the same bands. It's a small town and she must also do what she can not to be targeted. I don't want to see her shunned. Homelessness is more stereotyped than I knew. Plus, it's none of anyone's business including this interested man.

    It sounds like telling the truth would be easier if it weren't so stereotyped.

    My question probably should have been, "What is the best way to hide living in a vehicle and what are the best lies to tell?

    Thanks for the response. Yours and others have helped me tremendously in what advice I will give.

 
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