My Pending Story

When I first thought of writing a book about my Christian beliefs, I had wanted to write about the meaning behind Jesus's parables and discuss about Christian's lifestyle (as if I have the wisdom to do so) and what God has done for me. About belief, temptations, test of faith and human weakness (All mine).

Many years later, I thought that I should write about my own experiences in life, how He has touched me. The numerous times that He caught me when I stumble and He was always there when I truly needed Him. How He transformed me from an ignorant -know it all, a proud so called, Christian to be a 'wee bit' better person than before in terms of attitude and a new mindset. An improved version of me, though not the best.

Since I always have so much to say to God; no matter where I was, every moment of the day, regardless of what I was doing. Before I work, during my job, when I awake, before I went to sleep, when I admire His creation, when I wonder about people, things..whatever was on my mind; most times than not. I speak my mind to Him but not out loud,(shrugged) even though they were times. And in all kinds of emotional state; when I was severely depressed, when I cry, in great pain, elated, feeling gladness, filled with gratitude, despair, sad, helpless, upset, totally enraged and when I am lonely, He is the only companion (Invisible that he is; He is there. I know).

In this book (now hubs), you'll go through a lot of ravings, rantings on my behalf. More emotional stuffs but what is it all about? Well..I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings towards God with all of you out there. Maybe you've gone through the same thing as I did; maybe not. Some of you may have read the hub 'A Dedication to a Faithful Friend #1', this story that I needed to tell was initially part of that hub.

I told a group of new friends once (2009), about some episodes I've gone through. And I mentioned that the right thing to do is to make a testimony during church, about what Christ had done for me. One friend called Leon said; "When you do that, let me know." I still couldn't figure if he was genuinely interested to see and hear or was he just mocking me. Doesn't matter, really. So, Leon, here it is, finally. I wrote it online to share with as many readers as possible across the globe.

This is my Dedication to..

Maybe you agree with me, then again maybe not. It is just how I react to a 'Fantabulous' (fantastic, fabulous) God. What He means to me.

I am one of the 'lost child' that is trying to make it 'home'. Wide eye with wonder from His Amazing interruptions in my life. I am still an infant spiritually, but I chose to grow in His ways and trust Him. I seek His guidance and await His answers to my prayers; In hope that some how I may be an instrument to serve His Purpose on Earth.

THE VOICES

When I was a child, about nine years of age, if memory serves; I would hear voices in my head saying, 'you have forgotten me'. I remembered the first person I told telling about it was my grandma. This was when I went to stay with my grandparents for a while, (the story of how that became merits another hub). And we were at their plantations at the time. That evening, while we were taking a bath in the river, I had brought up the subject to her out of curiosity. My grandma calmly told me that God might be speaking to me. I did not question her.

Through the years of growing up, the same voice would return. It's strange because I couldn't quite remember whether the voice came during times of trouble or during the good times. Whether it was during my rebellious or being good moments. I had wanted to know because then, I need to make sure that it was God and not the Devil. I asked my adoptive father about it when I was 25 years old. He was sure it was God and he reminded me the story of Samuel; I assume everyone is familiar with this Bible's story, about Samuel's night call? If you haven't or have forgotten how it goes, you can read it in '1 Samuel 3:4-14.'

Now, grandma and dad agreed that it was a divine interference. But personally, I thought God couldn't be speaking to me. There's no urgent matter that I should act upon. That about sum how my mind works then. And this voice I'm thinking I'm hearing, seems to be in my mind..not the sound you hear with your hearing sense. It felt like it was one with my heartbeat. At times, because it came so many times, it feels like I was voicing it from within my throat. How is this?

Couple of years back, I even think about it as a mental illness, so I did some researching and reading about mental problems; the delusional types like 'Shcizophrenia'. My, my, but no. Frankly, I don't think it has anything to do with mental health. Up to this day, I still couldn't put a finger to the voice that I've heard for most of my life. It was not creative too, since it says the same thing every time but the additional 'Why' in front sometimes (WHY Have You Forgotten Me?). Anyways, this gut feelings that I have tells me it's not a mental problem. *Hmm.. Oh,no. I don't like where my mind's taking me at the moment while I'm typing this (A curse? Past vows?). Maybe someone can enlighten me and others who can benefit by the knowledge.

Sometimes I entertain the thought that, when I'm too far, lost in a world of deceit, sin has become a thick barrier between us and He cannot reach me. I know now, that is wrong. God will reach out to me especially when I am lost. Maybe not by reminding me that I have forgotten Him (Or I like to think that He has spoken to me from the very beginning when He breath life into me. Perhaps the thing that He has told me then, has been forgotten; like my purpose on earth) but in other areas of my life's journey. And still, He is faithfully waiting and calling out to me. I testify that the Lord always guide me towards help when my problems became to big to handle. He pointed out the mistakes I have done, though I stubbornly repeat the same thing over and over again.

For laughs: I imagine God watching me with a sad look and other times with amusement as I face a difficult task and decide ways to get through and fell for the same wrong choices and at times, having a temper tantrum; I would tell Him of my frustrations by grumbling non sense. I'm sure He listens and shake His head watching my infantile behavior. Until one day, I changed my ways and did some thing right; He would smile and say,"Finally. Now, to the next level."