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My Faith: Between Dreams, Determination and Tears Part Two

Updated on July 6, 2017


And this is it. I found myself standing on top of pile of carcass. What did I done to myself? Why I was so blind about this world before and cannot see this? I look around and see another like me still dragging carcass everywhere and it made me feel disgusting. “No way had I let myself become those kinds anymore! There must be better way of life!” I turned my back and start to run. Run to every direction where I can smell the flower of paradise, where I can hear the song of Allah’s words, where I see the peace of this life. Utopia, but where it is? Tell me, God, where I can found you? Because at every direction I go, I only could see disgusting acts of human!

On the streets I keep meet people who can do nothing but trying to take advantage on others, whether they sell,buy or give something to others, or simply just being scumbag and hurt others with their arrogance and immoral acts.

At the office, the government administration office where I work, I seen people bending the rules for their own benefit and pushing others to do the same, seem didn’t care at all that they already vowed to always work in honesty under the name of Allah. They using Islamic attributes, performing sholat, doing zakat, charity and hajj, but they keep stocking pile of carcass in their life, argue that they only do anything necessary and it is not wrong at all, because nobody being loss for their acts, and if they not doing so, others will took their place, so why didn’t take it for themselves? Masya Allah! Why feel envy to other’s opportunity to become wrongdoers? And who said nobody got loss for their acts? Of course somebody did! It is people who paid their tax as their part to finance this country as citizen, which been used to paid their acts of wrongs!

And near me, I see my own family and closed friends trying hard to seduce me back to old zone where we live by counting everything for our own benefits. This maybe the biggest probation I ever have; to turning my back from my family’s way of life and expectation they put on me. It caused chaos inside of me because for all of my life I did put them in the highest place, where their wish is my command, and even if I couldn’t made some of their hope on me came true, I always tried hard to paid for my failure. But right now, this way of life should end and this determination of mind shaking my family by put fear on it; fear of losing me that they all knew and understand; the old me.

They said that I’m turning into weird and fanatic person, make myself look ugly whether to hear and see, and I will ends like those crazy terrorist who keep terrorizing my country under the name of Jihad. (Masya Allah! I’m not lost my mind at all and I still able to differentiate which are the acts of love to Islam and which are the acts of crazy minds! Allah never allowing ummah to kills the enemy outside war zone! Allah also ordered us to rest whiles the enemy not starting any war on us! Do war on war only and do not kill other Muslims! Isn’t it clear for us to see? I will never kill people where there are still many option to choose! And I’ll never put a hand on my own brothers and sisters’ life, just to save myself, ever! Astaghfirullah al azziem!) But that’s just me being accused for my determination to going back to Allah. T_T

Don’t take me wrong, because my family and closed friends are great people and really have good determination to choose only good way of life. Most of our life we performed our duty to Allah with happy thought, thinking that we are in the right path. But sadly, it is not really true!

In my family thought human social status is important. Wealth, education and jobs are the most precious things to gain, and because we are living in modern time, being strict to Qur’an was not necessary.

“We have to be rich so we can do charity and help others.”

True. But if the way you gain your richness is by abandon your duty that Al Qur’an already told you, your richness will turn into your probation and give more mudharat than benefit to you.

“You should marry to someone with your level of education or higher because education will shows the value of people in behavior and etiquette of daily life.” Nasab.True. But there is one more thing to seek inside the future husband that women need to do before decide to get marry to someone, it is to look for his (that someone) faith and his love to Allah first more than anything else. Beside, good etiquette is product of knowledge, and not of real personality. You will meet many scumbags with wonderful attitude and never believe what you heard when someone told you than man already rape his own 12 years old daughter. So, if the option are between man with well education and fabulous job but lack of taqwa and poor man who couldn’t paid for his education and only had work as regular labor worker, but put Islam in his everyday life with great determination, is it wrong if I choose the last one?

“Al Qur’an had been down to be used by those jahiliyah people where human acted like shaitan himself and need to be controlled. But it is not necessary today because we live in the civilized world today. So, just do what is necessary and forget about the rest. I know Allah never want to put trouble on His ummah.”Masya Allah! Al Qur’an had created by Allah Himself, who know exactly how isthe life in before times, recent times and in the future, because He is all-knower and all-wiser. By saying those words it is like we do not believe that Allah is all-knower and all-wiser. How dare we are to thought such a thing?

Devil had vowed:

“Then I shall come upon them from before themand from behind them and from their right and from their left, that is to say,from every side, and prevent them from following it [that path]. And You will not find most of them thankful.” QS.7:17

When Devil rejected Allah order to bow to Adam, As and got condemned by Allah because of it, he made a vowed that he will do anything on his power to seduce human and bring human with him, as his companion in hell. He will come to human in every way that possible and every direction that shows the hole of human weaknesses, while we have so many weaknesses which sometimes we not even realize we have it. The trick of shaitan is so sneaky, make us fail to see the coming until it is too late and we already fall into sinful act.

We might be Muslim. We doing Sholat, paid our Zakat, going Hajj, and tried hard to always become honest person. So,we are doing our chores as Muslim, collecting deed under Allah's name. Are you sure? If you think you already have your faith in your heart, think again, where your feet really take you?

You said,

“I believe there is no other God than Allah.”

If that’s so, please answer this:

You already knew that Allah is the greatest of all and He taught you to worship Him only. But why you put your orientation of life not to worship Allah, but after all of material and earthy things? Work hard to get promote. Study hard to gain title and academic honor. Got married because of desire and then doing polygamy not for protecting women, but for using them as your objects of satisfaction on your own dirty desire.

You said:

“I believe that Muhammad is the messenger ofAllah!”

Believe on Muhammad as the Prophetis the most important part of being believe on Allah as our God, because Muhammad is the messenger from who we gain all of our information about Allah. That’s why believe Allah cannot be apart with believe on Muhammad as Allah’s messenger. With this believe and acknowledge on His integrity, we had been ordered by Allah himself to always following His example of life, in every aspect of our own life. But do you really believe on him? Are you sure?

We already knew that Prophet Muhammad, Pbuh is the most gentle and polite person, but in contrary, why we are turned into harsh and arrogance person?

We already knew that Prophet Muhammad, Pbuh was Loving and caring person to his wives and his family, but why we become the bully of our own family?

We already knew that Prophet Muhammad, Pbuh never pushed people to hold Islam without their own will, but why we do differently?

We already knew that Prophet Muhammad, Pbuh never called people as Kafir, but why we yelled our own brothers and sisters as one?

Think again, my sisters and brothers in Islam, where your feet really take you?



Sources :

Bersyahadat Dalam Rahim (Syahadat Inside The Womb Of The Mother) by Agus Mustofa

Taubat Tahajud & Tasbih by ZainiAli Akbar


Submit a Comment
  • Freya Cesare profile imageAUTHOR

    Freya Cesare 

    8 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

    Waalaikum salam, Brother Zubair

    Thank you. Insha Allah, I will. The same prayer for you too, brother. Thank you

  • Zubair Ahmed profile image

    Zubair Ahmed 

    8 years ago

    ASA Sister Freya,

    Another great hub, thank you for sharing this. Always a good writer keep up the good work. May Allah keep you in the best of health.


  • Freya Cesare profile imageAUTHOR

    Freya Cesare 

    8 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

    Thank you. I will visit you, soon.

  • profile image

    terus belajar 

    8 years ago

    one words : Two thumbs....

    please visit too my blogs if you don`t mind

  • Freya Cesare profile imageAUTHOR

    Freya Cesare 

    8 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

    Neverletitgo, I glad you like my works. Of course I will read yours. Thank you, for reading and good words. I really appreciated this. :)

  • Neverletitgo profile image

    Abdinasir Aden 

    8 years ago from Minneapolis, MN

    Freya you are wisewomen. I like your hubs and I was keep reading since yesterday. I am really new in the hub pages and I need your help how this is work. Please come and see my hub. I need your help sister. baraka Allah.

  • Freya Cesare profile imageAUTHOR

    Freya Cesare 

    9 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

    Noorenaz, Salam, sister. Welcome to my hub. I really happy it my work really useful for the readers. ^_^ Thank you, dear.

  • noorenaz profile image


    9 years ago from MAURITUS

    salam sister, good Hub, i appreciate it very much & its very helpful. ALLAH Bless you.

  • Freya Cesare profile imageAUTHOR

    Freya Cesare 

    9 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

    Thank you, Sir. Nice to meet you.

  • Bbudoyono profile image


    9 years ago

    Good hub Cesare. Welcome to Hubpages.


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