Pain & Frustration - Going To The Other Side
Hi, I was reading how pain and frustration causes us to change. I know this to be true in my own life. I am going to go back to some of my most frustrating times, when I was in much pain and anger.How God worked inside of me during these times and used them to make me a better person- a person that can serve him in the midst of a world gone mad.
I may tell you some stuff from my past- that's horrible but it is for your sake I reveal what God has done for me- even if and when I had forsaken my God. There is hope for all in God no matter what you're trapped in. No matter how bad and horrible you may think you are God never looks at you this way. Learn about the compassion and grace of my Jesus.Learn and know there is hope for all because my God never left me.
So God lead me now in Jesus name to share exactly what you would have me to share.
So you know before I had met Jesus I was desperate to feel loved, to be loved and had not a clue of the ways of God. I knew right from wrong in the general but I had no understanding of serving God or even how God could help me.
I had a spirit of rejection from rejection that was deeply embedded in me from the people in this world mistreating me, my mother abandoning me, no father, people hating me for no reason, from endless criticism from people and later from me myself learning to believe a lie about myself. I had been molested, raped, abused, neglected, and rejected in almost every area of my life.
I became angry, bitter, really mean, depressed to the point of wanting to die. Every Time I reached out to one more person for love and I was rejected & lied to. I got worse with each blow that was sent to my heart. I learned fear, fear of man, fear of pain, I learned to not trust anyone except for my Grandma.
I hated my life, and learned later to hate everyone because how this world made me feel- like I wasn't here or worth anything to anyone! I was used to doing whatever it took to numb theses feelings away. Whatever it took for me not feel this self-hatred, depression, guilt & rejection I would do. With each one of these bad choices to numb and distract me I would even feel and get worse. All I wanted was to be loved, have real friends, have a boyfriend that would love me forever. Well I didn't find anything that really lasted and that would make me feel loved, that could heal me from all the things I felt and carried around.
Still I had a lot of love and compassion in me for people in need, and animals too. I think this is because I knew what it felt like to hurt and suffer. So within me there was still hope because I did not want to be in this state- I wanted a new life but I did not know what to do. I had not given up on I needed love, I needed to be accepted for who I am- hurt,abused, alone,depressed, scared, bitter, and full of bruises. I needed and wanted someone to come and wrap their arms around me and say that everything was going to be all right. My life was stained with all the tears of being wronged, doing wrong, and the continual falling down and collapsing on the inside because of the pain from it all!
As I was growing up and even when and after I turned 18, I took like an inventory of what I was not going to be like when I grew up. I was not going to be like my Mom and lose my kids, later merged with I will not lose my kids like my cousin lost almost all of hers. I couldn't not even bear the pain of what I imagined my cousin was going through losing her kids.I wonder what God feels like losing his children?
I was not going to work in a bar or strip club EVER!- Because this is what took my Mom from me- this is what ruined and took my mother's life and innocence. This was one of the reasons I was molested by her husband the pimp.I was never going to be with someone that abused me.
These were the top things that I was not going to do as an adult.
At 19 I met Jesus through and because of a friend leading me to accept Jesus as my Lord in 1998- Romans 10:9-10. I did this, I chose to believe God had raised Jesus from the dead and I confessed him as my Lord- I also was filled by His Holy Spirit in Jesus name. Sounds so simple doesn't it? Well this is where God entered into me to start a transformation on the inside of me. This is the day that God started to work on my heart. This is the day that changed my life forever- even though at the time I didn't realize it.
So I found Jesus- Yes I found Jesus - But the actual fact is that Jesus found me. Everything is fixed now right you may think? No not even close but I was at the very beginning of change. The road ahead of me was full of leaning lessons, failures to comply with God, seeking God for forgiveness. And the condemnation from satan trying to block the conviction of God, attempting to stop me from learning,growing, changing to become what God had created me for and to be. I had to learn through trial and error- what happens when I trust and obey God and when I don't obey- Because I was stubborn and still had the sin of rebellion trying to hold me back.
Through it all I still kept the desire to follow God even if I failed miserably and did not fully understand the whys and what God was doing in me. I thought for sure that after I sinned and screwed up as much as I did, that it was over for me. I was never taught God was mad at me or anything like that- I just knew that how I was living still didn't match up to doing as God wanted.
I first started in a bible study one time a week when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. So after I received Jesus I went on and committed adultery, got pregnant and felt bad and married the father of my 2nd child. God never left me- I did not know his ways yet. (** Let me add I also had/have been seemingly trapped with an abusive man, that has psychopathic traits, along with narcissistic personality..topped off a habitual liar. This is an updated shared info..I'm newly sharing. So with that info you can see that him abusing me which was really bad.. physically help that happen. I learned what I needed too on living to honor God and not to commit adultery because it's against God)
Soon after starting Bible study they started their church which God had called them to do and had raised them up to be a deliverance ministry that reached out to the dying world around them with Jesus. -With the Salvation, love, mercy, deliverance, and the truth of God's word to heal and restore even the most abused, hurt, tormented of people, for God's glory alone.
All along they too had been delivered and restored by God. These two my pastor and his wife had went through God's cleansing and renewal process. God had healed and put together there family of 8 that used to be disaster of confusion, hurt, pain and discord. So I am seeing a pattern here- you can't not lead anyone out of destruction and to a life with God unless you too, have been delivered and know God.
I was still learning how to not go by my feelings,compulsions, temptations and trust God- for God knows best what I need and what is going to be best for me in the end. I still had my old ways en-breded in me deep and needed know and understand what keeps me close to God and what isn't safe or what's not going to bring me peace. I needed to learn how to let go of my past ways of dealing with problems, fears and everything else.
I was really stuborn but I still wanted to follow Jesus- I couldn't forget the peace that went over me when I received Jesus & God's Holy Spirit. I had never felt God's spirit in all my life except until I accepted Jesus and his plan for my life.
Excepting God's plan for your life isn't just a cure all immediately- all a sudden I am fixed. NO, is not! It is/was the beginning of learning and it takes a willingness to hang unto God no matter how bad you mess up. To continue on and try it again & again until you are strengthen enough to walk away from the wrong choices because you have obtained understanding . It doen't not mean you won't have anymore tears to cry. Tears cleanse the soul- and letting go of pain, hurts and rejection will bring tears. Anger will be present at the beginning of healing also because we are no longer are hiding from, or denying it- but God is removing it for our healing.This is how if you continue in God's word and hang on that the truth will set you free. The truth about God and his love, grace mercy and wisdom to live a life that please him in exchange for the peace God. For the plan of God- so we can live a life that is of love- because Jesus loved us first. I still stand on this truth God's love is what changed me.
I will not make this a list of sins I have done- but I will tell you this.
I seriously was disobedient to God in the middle of him teaching me his ways. I committed adultery, lied, stole, cheated, drank, did drugs, while I was seeking him for freedom. I did these things- not all at once but during this learning process.
Why would I tell you this?
Because I was still learning to let God be God and sustain me. I was still learning to let go of past ways so I could have what God wanted for me. I was still learning how to trust God and not run in fear and condemnation when I messed up. I was still learning to face the truth about myself and give those bad habits to God.
I still needed to learn of generational curses in my bloodline that made me prone to do the same as the ones before me. I had to learn to go to God and ask him to break the sin pattern that ran through my family and to free me from it in Jesus name. So I could walk his path without the sins and habits of my family with the demons the sins invited pulling me back down.
I needed to look at God's word and see what I needed to grow in and let God continue to take me step by step- through the recesses of my heart and to free me from all that sin and this world had done in my life when I did not know God.
God showed me his unending love by not leaving me. He would call me back to him every time I ran away like a scared, lost, tearful child- that just disobeyed my Father in heaven and was sorrowful. He never LEFT ME dO yOU GET iT?
In my heart I loved God, truly loved him. God knew this and didn't give up on me.
God let me get so frustrated, angry and depressed when I was doing wrong, so I would know the difference from his love and what this world and sin has to offer me.
I could be on top of the world and in love with God walking in his peace- And than all of a sudden, a temptation would come at the same time as trials. I used to give into the temptations and be brought right back down to ground level. Every time this would happen I would cave under pressure & end up in what seemed to be square one again. God didn't make me feel like he didn't love me- he was patient and kept on teaching me. I learned through pain and the frustration that came with my failures to get it right.
Because of God's mercy, love and gentleness I could get up and try it again. I finally did get reach point of breakthrough and I did get better and better at trusting God. God always stepped in and cleaned me up and taught me from every slip and fall I went through.
Because of Jesus- God loved me while I was still in sin. This is the love that changed my life- nothing in this world compares to the love of God in Christ Jesus. God did many miraculous things in my life and it is Not because I did or do everything right. It because my heart is truly in love with him, it is because I let him lead me to a life that is far better than where I had come from. It is because I was willing to go through the pain for healing and understanding, God for sure never said it would be easy but he is waiting to help us when we are ready to be loved!
DO NOT GIVE UP ON GOD FOR HE HAS NOT GIVEN UP ON YOU!
I would of never knew you
He Wants It All
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