The New Testament - Why?

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  1. Mark Knowles profile image60
    Mark Knowlesposted 8 years ago

    God: Hey Jews.

    Jews: Hey.

    God: So listen guys, I'm thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.

    Jews: What?

    God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.

    Jews: We don't follow.

    God: Okay, work with me here guys. Remember the whole angry God' thing?

    Jews: Vividly.

    God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-

    Jews: Yeah.

    God: And forty years in the-

    Jews: We remember that.

    God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.

    Jews: Wait, what?

    God: Whoops, forget I said that. "Spoiler Alert", am I right?

    Jews: ...

    God: Anyway, we're going to re-work this whole God- thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.

    Jews: So, like...?

    God: For example, I'm super chill now, for some reason. Plus there's a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He's my son, and he's God too, or something. It's complicated, ok?

    Jesus: Yo.

    Jews: I think we'll stick with the old one here.

    God:Look, I love the brand loyalty Jews, I really do. But this whole God- thing isn't playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole A.D.- generations.

    Jesus: Surfs up, dudes!

    God: Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome

    Jews: This goes against everything you've ever told us.

    God: No it doesn't, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you're going to die.

    Jesus: What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!

    God: Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.

    Jews: Who?

    God: Right, he's another new character. He's like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We're arch enemies.

    Jesus: Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That's really stupid.

    God: Shut up, Jesus. And what would you know? You're made of bread and wine.

    Jesus: What? Why?

    God: Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren't cheap.

    Jews: I'm sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?

    God: Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb.

    Jews: You made, like, five.

    God: Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.

    Jews: Couldn't you have been clearer then?

    God: I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole 'creation' thing anyway.


    Most Jews: Well, I guess we could.

    God: Awesome! 'Most Jews', aka 'New Christians'-

    New Christians: We're what now?

    God: You won't regret this guys, I have the whole thing planned perfectly

    Holy Ghost: Oooooooooh!

    God: ...

    New Christians: ...

    God: You're going to love it.



    1. ceciliabeltran profile image71
      ceciliabeltranposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Jews: sounds like a good movie! big bucks!

  2. kirstenblog profile image75
    kirstenblogposted 8 years ago

    I'm laughing my ass of here! lol

  3. earnestshub profile image86
    earnestshubposted 8 years ago

    It sounds soooooo logical! The new book is so much nicer about sending people to hell! lol

  4. Diane Inside profile image76
    Diane Insideposted 8 years ago

    Blasphemy, I can't stay here, lightning is sure to strike. Grow Up!

    1. earnestshub profile image86
      earnestshubposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Who put your god in charge of lightning? lol

    2. Mark Knowles profile image60
      Mark Knowlesposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      That was a joke - right? wink

  5. profile image0
    Over The Hillposted 8 years ago

    You`re generally a little more sensible.


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