The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! 30-21
We're not wasting any time dudettes and dudes! I'm a day late, a dollar short, and Weevil from Veronica Mars just appeared on my TV screen looking like late career Orson Welles. In short, time to get this bad boy done. So let's get to entries 30-21 of the Summerslam worst list, shall we? ON WITH THE SHOW!
The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! 30-21 (The Your Ending Sucks and You Should Feel Bad Section)
30. NAO vs. Mankind (Summerslam 1998)
There are bad matches. There are terrible matches. And then sometimes, there's matches that are just so confusing as hell that they end up both. Take this overbooked handicap match for the Tag Team Titles (yes, you heard that right). For starters, it's a hardcore match for the same reason the sequels to Darkman exist; no good reason at all. Two, and most importantly, the face/heel alignment is completely and utterly off. Am I really supposed to be cheering for the New Age Outlaws over Mankind as they double team the abandoned tag champion (oh yeah, this match is for the tag titles. A handicap match)? Please. The Outlaws may have been renegade faces, but they come across here like the biggest duo of dicks this side of a joint Mazza/Triple H house party. Which I'm pretty sure the Outlaws were invited too, so it all works out in the end.
29. Nailz vs. Virgil (Summerslam 1992)
Let me put it to you this way; one of these guys spent his career as a second fiddle never who ended up going crazy. The other guy is Virgil. Of course this match was going to be terrible! The only good thing about is that it was short, it was sweet, and every time I see it, I'm reminded that something so truly terrible as Nailz actually existed. I'm not sure what's actually funnier about the guy; the fact that he was such a terrible in ring performer (seriously, he makes Virgil look like Sting in his prime), that he went nuts and actually attacked Vince McMahon, or that he's legit the only dude to never, ever get back into Vince's good graces. AND VINCE FORGIVES EVERYONE! Congrats to you Nailz for being a special kind of loser to not get a call back for even the gimmick battle royal.
28. Legion of Doom vs. The Godwinns (Summerslam 1997)
If you'll indulge me, allow me to reveal my thoughts of this match by humming the opening bars of the Superman theme. It goes like this:
DULL! DULL, DULL, DULL, DULL!
DULL! DULL! DULL!
DULL! DULL, DULL, DULL, DULL!
THIS MATCH SUCKS!
DULL! DULL, DULL, DULL, DULL!
DULL! DULL! DULL!
THIS MATCH SUCKS! THIS MATCH SUCKS! THIS MATCH SUCKS!
Now if that seems a little harsh to you, I really don't care. I know the Legion of Doom (better known as the Road Warriors) are legends in the wrestling industry, and I know the Godwinns...were a team that led to the creation of something called Naked Mideon (on second thought, that's not a positive). That doesn't make up for the fact that the Godwinns were an awful tag team, the Road Warriors were about four or five years past their prime at this point, and the action in this match reminds of the climax to the first Transformers film. What an overdose of meh this match is. One more fun fact; the Godwinns were nearly brought back to WWE about ten years after this match, for reasons that can only be explained as a momentary lapse of insanity. The person pushing for their return; Triple H. Have your defense by noon tomorrow Mazza!
27. Borga vs. Marty Jannetty (Summerslam 1993)
This is a match where you can feel bad for both of the competitors. Marty Jannetty might just be the most unlucky dude in wrestling; he was ultra talented when given a chance, with his only fault being that he wasn't Shawn Michaels. And while most people may not know him, Ludvig Borga was a pretty accomplished wrestler himself, having done tours in New Japan and even competing eventually in UFC. Unfortunately for these two here, they're only given five minutes, leading to a lot of rushed wrestling and poor storytelling. Well, that and it's again dull as hell. Probably another reason poor Marty didn't make it. Other than, of course, not being Shawn Michaels. At least he and Triple H have something in common there I suppose. And yes, I'm really just trolling my buddy Mazza at this point.
26. Tatanka vs. The Berzerker (Summerslam 1992)
According to Wikipedia, this match may have actually be a dark match, making it ineligible for this list. Of course, as I watched this match online earlier today, I can only assume that it's actually not a dark match (how else would I have seen it?), and thus it makes the list. Why? Pretty much, it's exactly what you'd expect in a match between a wannabe Viking and a Native American wrestler. Which means there's stereotypes, sloppy wrestling, stereotypes, yelling, stereotypes, a whole lot of ineffective chops and did I mention stereotypes? But of course it failed miserably. The best part of all this; John Nord, the man who played The Berzerker, being from Minnesota. Which yes, means WWE put a guy from Minnesota in a Viking gimmick, making them look sillier than the people who made Pokemon: The First Movie. No small feat.
25. Nikolai Volkoff and Jim Duggan vs. Orient Express (Summerslam 1990)
If this match had been five to ten minutes longer, this would be in the top half of the list. Thankfully for the match (and myself), it's only a little over three minutes, making it an annoyingly sloppy bore as opposed to a colossal, "OH MY GOD, JUST RIP OUT MY EYES!" sloppy bore. Another great example that using older wrestlers who are way past their prime is usually a bad idea and teams that are only put together because "LET'S STEREOTYPE THEM!" is likely going to end badly.
24. Natural Disasters vs. The Bushwackers (Summerslam 1991)
This match makes me sad, for one reason; both of these teams were actually really good. The Bushwackers, outside of WWE, are actually hardcore legends of sorts, a big reason they got into the WWE Hall of Fame this past year. And as much as we may mock the Natural Disasters (Typhoon and Earthquake) for their lack of ability, that team had many a good moment. In fact, their match a year later against the Beverly Brothers wasn't just passable, it was pretty good. And that was against the Beverly Brothers! Not since Alex Wright carried Triple H to a passable match at Starrcade 1994 has there been such a miraculous moment in wrestling.
Unfortunately, neither team here is allowed to play to their strengths, as WWE chose to book this match as the standard comedy tag match. And let's be real here; while WWE has had their share of funny moments, comedy is as much their forte as mountain climbing is mine. In short, the Bushwackers spend this match looking like complete and utter goofs, and the Natural Disasters actually have to make their opponents seem like threats to them, thus leaving them complete and utter goofs. Such a shame. A serious match between these two could've been entertaining.
23. Undertaker vs. Kane (Summerslam 2000)
Match three of the Biker Taker era to make it here, as well as the first of two matches involving both Kane and Taker. Hey, at least they keep their underwhelming Summerslam matches in the family, right? There's a lot to this match that really just doesn't work. One, the story leading into it makes no sense, as Kane turned on Taker one day because...he didn't share his Happy Meal toy with him? I'm still not sure. Secondly, the action in this match is akin to the rest of Taker's mediocre Summerslam matches during the Biker era, which means a whole lot of brawling and a whole lot of nothing else. And finally, and most importantly, the ending of the match is so horrible, it has to be seen to be believed. What happens? Taker pulls off Kane's mask...and the match is over. That's it. They just ended the match in a no contest. If you're looking for a reason why, I direct you right back to the reason this feud even began, which was FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON! The more I think about it, the more I may be cutting this match slack by placing it this low on the list.
22. Lex Luger vs. Yokozuma (Summerslam 1993)
Somehow, someway, the ending for Kane-Taker is topped in this match right here! Granted, this bout would've made it on here anyway, as the first seventeen minutes of the match are slower than Kama, Great Khali, The Oddities and Star Trek: The Motion Picture combined. But man, does the ending just add the rotten cherry on top of this two week old sundae? Here's what occurs; after having been dominated by Yokozuna for a full hour (sorry, I meant fifteen minutes. It just felt like a full hour), hero of mine Lex Luger mounts a poor man's version of the Hulk Hogan comeback. The crowd gets hot, the action picks up a bit, and Luger has a huge moment where he slams Yoko to the mat and then hitting him with the bionic forearm. All well and good right? Just one problem; Yoko falls to the outside after getting hit with the forearm, and Luger, who has a chance to win the title, decides to just leave Yoko outside and win the match by count out. Hold on, wait a minute, WAIT A MINUTE!
Seriously folks, HOW COULD A PERSON WITH A CHANCE FOR THE BIGGEST PRIZE IN WRESTLING ALLOW THE MATCH TO END IN A WAY THAT PREVENTS HIM FROM WINNING THE TITLE?! On the scale of terrible decisions (both booking AND kayfabe wise), this is right up there with the ending to match #23 on this list, Hulk Hogan making a sex tape with the wife of Bubba the Love Sponge, Josh Trank saying yes to directing Fantastic Four, Grady Little not taking Pedro out before and during the eighth inning, and the 32 NFL owners saying "Roger Goodell is a great candidate to be our commissioner!". I say this as a huge Lex Luger mark too; he's one of my favorite wrestlers ever (highly underrated in my opinion) and was involved in one of my favorite wrestling moments of all time (LUGER WON THE TITLE!). This right here is inexcusable though. The booking here not only is a straight cop out, it makes Luger look like the dumbest dude in the history of the western hemisphere. I frankly wouldn't be surprised if that ending is what ultimately led to his push flaming out like season two of Twin Peaks. What a joke. Fear not though Luger fans; at least this match proves once and for all that WCW knew how to use him far better than WWE did, and that this match was created due to the Lex Express. Play the video!
21. Batista vs. The Great Khali (Summerslam 2007)
This match may not be as mind numbingly dull as something like Volkoff/Duggan vs. Orient Express. It may not be as comically stupid as Nailz vs. Virgil. Hell, it's ending may not destroy as many brain cells as Yoko vs. Luger did. But you know what; Batista vs. Great Khali is still somehow worse than all of them. It's dull. It's stupid. It's so poorly wrestled that it borders on being a cross between a 2000 era post grunge album and a Nicolas Cage movie. And yes, in keeping with the recent theme of "your ending sucks and you should feel bad", this match's ending sucked and everyone should feel bad. Then again, perhaps you could say that Khali intentionally getting himself DQ'd despite dominating the match was an act of mercy, in order to prevent us from seeing more of the horrible performance these two were putting on. Who knows? I just know that this match shit the bed worse than Mazza when getting Triple H's autograph. What, I had a quota to meet!
That'll do it boys, girls and Juggalos that aren't Vampiro. I'll be back tomorrow with 20-11! Almost done. Till next time, HANDS! HANDS IN NEW PLACES!