Top Google Search With Humor: Why Do Boys Sag and Other Nonsense
I don’t know about all of you, but I totally enjoy this series! Maybe that says more about me than I want to know. All I know for sure is my fellow internet travelers never cease to amaze and amuse me with their searches. They literally come up with questions that I would never consider in a million years.
We have a lot of ground to cover in this article so without further delay let’s take a look at today’s question: Why do boys….?
I have taken it upon myself to pick the top nine searches to that partial question. Of course, I felt compelled to add a little spice to the search questions, a sampling of my own rather unique sense of humor. Judging from the comments I have received on earlier installments of this series, I am not alone with that unique sense of humor.
I guess that’s it for an introduction. Shall we begin?
WHY DO BOYS’ BIKES HAVE A BAR?
The first thing I thought of when I read this one was a mental picture of a bicycle complete with a bar stocked with vodka and gin. Can you tell that I’m an alcoholic? Then it dawned on me that they might be asking about that damn bar that we have to straddle when we ride the bike. I have often wondered about that myself, so this isn’t that stupid of a question.
Here’s what I’ve come up with, and this is purely my own speculation. Boys’ bikes have a bar because bicycle manufacturers are sadists! How else do you explain it? That thing is there for no other reason than to nail us in the jewels when we slip off of the seat. It got so bad growing up that I started wearing a cup to protect myself. Can you imagine not being able to father a child because of a bar on a bike? How do you explain that one to your future-bride? I’m sorry, darling, but Big Wally and the Twins are out of commission because I was such a klutz as a kid! I’m amazed Jerry Springer never covered this topic on his show.
WHY DO BOYS CRY?
You would cry too if you had to deal with that bar on the bicycle! I’m telling you, there is no worse pain in the world. I have known kids who were so traumatized by that bar growing up that they won’t go near anything that could possibly fit between their legs. Seriously! Do you think I’m making this stuff up? Well, possibly!
Why do boys cry? Maybe because their mothers use too many onions when cooking? Maybe because their dog has a farting problem? Maybe because Sarah Palin is their third cousin? I don’t know; get a therapist and stay away from bicycles of any kind. Heck, stay away from Sarah Palin if she is riding a bicycle. If I saw that I would cry too!
WHY DO BOYS STOP GROWING?
Here we go with the bicycle again! If you dropped down on an unforgiving steel bar, a part of you would stop growing too; in fact, it would never grow again if you hit that bar hard enough. Big Wally would become Little Wilbur and would never been seen again. As for the Twins….well, there are operations that can fix that.
Why do they stop growing? Because they died! Who asks these questions? We all stop growing! Hello! If we didn’t we would all be what, ten feet tall and bulletproof! My apologies to Travis Tritt! We would all be so big we couldn’t find a bike to ride or scrunch ourselves on when we were in a hurry. That’s why we stop growing so don’t bother me with this question again.
WHY DO BOYS LIKE GIRLS?
Well, some don’t! Have you ever seen the movie “Deliverance?” Enough said!
Actually, boys like girls because God has a terrible sense of humor. We were put on this Earth so we could stumble around acting like fools in hopes that some girl will notice us. We were put on this Earth to provide humor for women; we were put on this Earth to prove that women are the strongest sex and by far the rulers of this universe. If you don’t believe that is true just ask any woman. She will be more than happy to confirm it.
WHY DO BOYS CHEAT?
How else do you expect us to win? We cheat at baseball, ping pong, checkers, Frisbee, poker, Monopoly and any other game we play. It’s part of the male experience. It’s part of what makes us such fascinating creatures. LOL I had to laugh at my own silliness that time.
Oh, you mean why do men cheat in a relationship? Well, that’s a bit more complicated. We cheat because we have mommy issues. We cheat because we wet the bed when we were ten. We cheat because the cow ran away with the spoon and there ain’t no Santa Claus. We cheat because…..well, none of those make sense and yet they all do. We cheat because we have stupid hardwired into our brains and because we took one too many shots to the nether regions while riding that bike. We have to keep making sure that Big Wally is still responsive!
WHY DO BOYS LIE?
Are you kidding me? Boys lie so that they won’t get in trouble. Duh! If boys, and by extension, men didn’t lie they would have to suffer the consequences of the truth and that’s a daunting task indeed. You see, boys do some pretty stupid things, and when they grow up they do even more stupid things. Who wants to admit to a lifetime of idiocy? It’s just simpler to lie and be done with it.
How do you know when a boy is lying? His lips are moving! How could a boy ever win the heart of a girl without telling lies? The truth isn’t going to cut the mustard. Hi, my name is Tommy, and I pick my nose and fart at the dinner table. See, the truth just isn’t that appealing. Next you’ll want boys to admit to crying and secretly riding a girl’s bike so Big Wally has a day off from pain. That’s not going to happen either!
WHY DO BOYS SAG?
This is a simple one! Boys sag because they become old men and that’s what our bodies do….they sag! Our bellies sag down on our belts. Our skin sags down on our face and neck. Our butts sag southward so that they look like part of our calves. Our…..no, not going there!
Oh, you mean why do boys sag their pants? Because they want to look like they don’t have a brain in their head, that’s why! Somehow, over time, it has become fashionable to let your pants sag and show off your butt crack! Says a lot about our civilization, doesn’t it? Can you imagine if guys my age started doing that? Now that is a gross thought…..no, that’s a gross nightmare. Ewwwww! No worries, ladies, it’s not going to happen with this guy!
How do boys with sagging pants ride a bike?
WHY DO BOYS STARE AT GIRLS?
Seriously? Because girls are a whole lot better to stare at than guys! When I was in high school, if a guy stared at another guy, there was a good chance his teeth would be re-arranged. That’s just not something you do if you are a boy. However, if you stare at a girl, you are basically telling her that you sag your pants, you crush your jewels on that bike bar, and you cheat whenever the opportunity presents itself. Now that’s a recipe for success if I ever heard of one.
It’s the old mating ritual. It’s been around as long as guys walked upright. We don’t know what to say so we just stare, hoping that somehow the girl will intuit that we are still growing and she needs to start doing that mating thing that she does. We are secretly fine with the woman making all the decisions, but if you ask us about it plan on a lie in return.
WHY DO BOYS GET CIRCUMCISED?
I saved the best for last! We get circumcised because of all the bruising from that bike bar! Actually, some of us never did get circumcised. Our parents wanted to make sure we had something the kids could laugh at in the high school showers. No wonder we cry so much! Big Wally looks like one of those old-fashioned milk bottles.
Talk about a primitive invasion! I think the same guy who invented the bike bar invented circumcision. There is no other way to explain it. Who thought that would be a good idea? Some old foggies back in ancient times decided it would be a great idea to cut off some skin in the most sensitive part of a man’s body. Sounds like fun to me; sign me up! What happens if the knife slips during that procedure? Ewwww! I don’t even want to think about it. I’ll just keep my old milk bottle and be happy for small favors. Well, not that small….I mean, well, oh, never mind!
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT
Now you know everything that needs to be known about why boys do what they do. Don’t try to thank me; I feel it’s my duty to enlighten those out there who obviously can’t get through life without my help.
The next time you see a boy riding a girl’s bike you’ll be more understanding. The next time you see a boy staring longingly at a milk bottle, you’ll be more understanding. The next time you see Sarah Palin at your family dinner, resign from the family. The next time you see a boy crying at the sight of a guard rail you’ll understand. And the next time you see a boy walk up to you, just be prepared for him to cheat and lie. It’s what boys do best!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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