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Top Google Search with Humor: What Does It Mean When Someone Pokes You In The Face and Other Nonsense

Updated on October 7, 2013
The internet is a slippery place.
The internet is a slippery place. | Source
Dogs not allowed because of green stools.
Dogs not allowed because of green stools. | Source
Search the internet with extreme caution
Search the internet with extreme caution | Source

Well my friends, it’s that time again when we find out what hundreds of thousands of inquiring internet junkies are searching for. Our fellow citizens of the world have never disappointed us in the past and this week is no exception. We have some rather remarkable searches this week.

For the sake of introduction let me first tell those of you who are uninitiated that I have been doing these searches for almost two months now. I will type a partial question into the search engines and then sit back and shake my head at the responses that pop up. Since I find many of these to be at best hilarious and at worst frightening I feel I owe it to all of you to share these responses with you.

Of course, I also feel it is my responsibility to add my own brand of humor to the proceedings, so I hope you are all in a laughing mood. Sit back, put your feet up and relax, and welcome to the world of search engines billybuc style! This week’s question is: “What Does It Mean….?”

WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF YOUR STOOL IS GREEN?

I’m not a doctor but I’d say you need to cut back on the lettuce! Other than the fascination aspect I don’t much care if my stool is green, purple or neon orange, as long as it isn’t red. Know what I’m sayin’? During the 60’s quite a few of my friends had some rather interesting stool colors and they were more than willing to share their tales of tie-dye poop. Most of them are still alive so I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the good news is you might be able to sell your story to the National Enquirer and the bad news is you might want to clean out that colon of yours.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN SOMEONE POKES YOU IN THE FACE?

Who in the world are these people hanging out with, the Three Stooges? I gotta tell ya, I have been walking this planet for over six decades and I have never had someone walk up to me and poke me in the face! What does it mean? You need to change friends and quickly! If that kind of behavior is acceptable in your circle of friends then what’s next? What part of your body are they going to want to poke next?

The part about this internet search that amazes me most is that there must be thousands who are typing in this search so evidently there is a whole lot of face poking going on in the world. Is it a part of a culture that I am not aware of? Instead of kissing they poke? Oops, I think I’m on thin ice right now. Time to move on!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOUR EYE TWITCHES?

Well, if someone just poked you in the eye your eye is going to twitch quite a bit and it means you need to learn how to duck when you see it coming! On the other hand, if your eye started twitching right after you noticed your green stool it means you are as repulsed by this subject as I am!

My eye used to twitch quite a bit when Janice Armstrong would walk by me in the 8th grade. In fact, quite a bit of my body twitched when she strolled by doing that thing she did. I don’t suppose this is the same thing, though, do you? I mean, Janice has to be in her sixties and she isn’t going to cause anyone to twitch at this stage in her life, right? Hell, I don’t know what it means. Take two aspirin, wear an eye patch and don’t bother the rest of us with this nonsense.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN A GUY STARES AT YOU?

Oh my! Where do I begin? He’s probably staring at you because that damn eye of yours is twitching! Maybe he heard through the poop grapevine that yours is green. You could have some lettuce stuck between your teeth, a booger showing in your nostril or the guy thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don’t know, I don’t care and I’m not your therapist!

I had to figure this stuff out all on my own. I didn’t have the internet back when I was wondering about the actions of the opposite sex; of course, I never had a girl stare at me either so this question never came up for me. Consult your horoscope like the rest of us do when we have a meaty question about life.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOU DREAM ABOUT SNAKES?

There are so many one-liners I’m thinking about right now but I might not be able to publish this if I use them. Let me ask my readers this question: If you had a dream about a snake would you go online to find out what it means? Does this reek just a bit of paranoia? Or insecurity? Or cluelessness?

If these are guys doing these searches then there is only one way we can go with this. If you dream of a King Cobra then you should wake up feeling pretty good! If you dream about a garter snake then your self-image really needs a boost and fast!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF YOU DREAM ABOUT SOMEONE?

I don’t know! Is he a snake? Has he been staring at you? Does his eye twitch? In the dream does he/she have multi-colored stool? If your dream included all of the above then you really need to be careful where you buy your mushrooms in the future. My old buddy from college can get your some darn good ‘srooms for half the price and double the pleasure.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE AN AMERICAN?

I don’t even know what this question means? Anybody? By definition it means you are a citizen of one of the countries that makes up America…..no, not just the United States you egotistical red, white and blue numbskull!

What else could the question mean? What characteristics do Americans have? Are we dealing with an identity crises here? These people don’t know how they are supposed to act as Americans? Let me see if I can help. If you wake up and think your stool doesn’t stink then you are probably an American. If you wake up and think your snake is bigger than any other snake in the world you are probably an American. If you wake up and half the world wants to poke you in the face you are probably an American. If you wake up and think that everyone dreams of being like you then you are probably an American.

Don’t try to thank me; I’m glad I could be of assistance.

IT’S TIME TO SAY ADIOS

About fifteen or sixteen years ago I took a woman out on a date. We actually met for breakfast and while we were eating she announced to me….and I swear it was completely out of the blue…she announced to me that Jesus spoke to her from her pants. One minute we were discussing mutual friends and the next minute I am hearing about this voice she hears from down under. I damn near choked on my bacon and suffice it to say I finished my meal in record time and got the heck out of that restaurant.

Compared to that experience these search questions don’t even register on my shock meter but still, they are pretty darn entertaining. Wait! You don’t suppose that woman I dated had a big family and they all spend their spare time doing internet searches???? Come to think of it I do believe her eye twitched.

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

To purchase my Kindle book go to:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008BMEL4U

Other funny google searches by billybuc:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-How-Do-I-Know-When-To-Switch-Breasts-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-Is-It-Possible-To-Get-Pregnant-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-What-Happens-If-You-Eat-Mold-and-Other-Nonsense

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    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 5 years ago

      Billybuc,

      Funny side of you! Down under huh? At least you never commited to that gal! I think people that does those searches are normal folks who are bored. Technology catching up with those three stooges! Lol! Thanks for the laugh!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      bill.....what does it mean when a highly educated, sensible, mature man, sits in front of his computer, typing in partial questions, to see what pops up....and then takes these outrageous questions....(that somewhere in this crazy world of ours, thousands of morons are asking)....and this same man, then proceeds to create an hysterically funny hub, suggesting quip after quip of simply ridiculous explanations and feeling the need to offer "advice," knowing full well, some of the SAME morons are seriously heeding his tongue-in-cheek instructions???"

      Please answer my question asap....because if I don't hear from you, I'll just have to use google.

      Up & funny & awesome

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Lord, I hope you aren't correct and they are just doing this because of boredom; it's so much funnier believing there are actually people out there who don't know or want to know this stuff. Thanks for my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Oh Paula, I have wondered that very thing for years now. What does this all say about me? Well, I think the answer is fairly obvious: I am one sick, twisted human being and you like me so now we have to ask ourselves what that says about you?

      I would love to meet anyone who is heeding my instructions...how frightening is that?

      Thanks for my friend!

    • frogpetals profile image

      frogpetals 5 years ago from Christiansburg, VA

      too funny!!!! The breakfast date cracked me up!!! That sounds like some of my dates long ago when I was single. I honestly think I would have had to play along for a while though. It reminded me of something a neighbor told me the other day, and I quote, "I think my house is haunted. When I go to get a cup of coffee around noon, the coffee pot is turned off." She was dead serious too. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to leave the house unsupervised.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Frog, that had me laughing. I agree with you; there are some out there who need to have a sticker permanently attached to their foreheads warning the rest of us.

      Thank you for stopping by and I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      As much as I love your Google search hubs, now I have to admit I want to hear more about the Jesus pants woman. You can't just drop that on your fans and not elaborate on that tale! Hehehe! Voted up and awesome!

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      Hehe this is a great series of hubs about Google searches! I think it's funny people put this into the search line. I like how you mix your answers between the different questions, it is well written Bill.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      You are hilarious! The three stooges:) haha Yeah I haven't been poked in the face in a long time!

      I was wondering how you came up with this beautiful material! hahaha I love these - keep it up!

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      Another great collection of ....something:)

      Good work Bill!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      Love this silly side of you, Bill! Thanx for the lunchtime chuckle!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jeannie, that will probably be a hub of its own....maybe a hub about bad dating experiences. Thank you for stopping by.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Christy; I have great fun writing these.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelly, the internet has an endless supply of funny stuff just waiting for us to write about. I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mark, your description is right on...not sure what this is...but it was fun!

      Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, my pleasure. Enjoy lunch and above all, enjoy life!

    • Jordanwalker39 profile image

      Jordanwalker39 5 years ago from GA

      This is a great read! I really enjoyed it!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I'm glad Jordan; I had great fun writing it!

    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 5 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      Hahaha - what does it mean if I spend all day on the Internet and don't have any real friends to talk to about my poop, snake dreams or being an American? Too funny, Bill!

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 5 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Bill, I always expect to be humored when I start reading your hubs and you never let me down. I like your style.

      Great read. Up all the way!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks, Steph! My fellow inmates never fail to amuse me. I appreciate you dropping by and I wish you a happy Monday!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rajan, I appreciate that. I love to make people laugh so I'm grateful for your comment.

    • Tina Hope profile image

      Tina Hope 5 years ago from UK

      Haha, loved it Billy =D. I actually looked up the snake in dream dictionary, and if you dream about Cobra, that means creation and creative energies. Are you sure it wasn't you who googled it?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tina, Tina, Tina...I will never reveal that answer. :) I'm glad you got a chuckle out of my attempt at humor and thank you for visiting once again.

    • onegreenparachute profile image

      Carol 5 years ago from Greenwood, B.C., Canada

      Oh now that was truly hilarious! It's going to be a hoot getting to know you Billy! But I'm with Jeannie - the Jesus in the pants person is going to haunt me...well, perhaps forever...if I don't hear more.

    • Melovy profile image

      Yvonne Spence 5 years ago from UK

      Bill, this was very funny. I actually did LOL! I loved the way you moved from one search to the next integrating them into a story instead of just listing a bunch of searches.

      And as for what it means about you! Hmm… but then what does it mean about all of us who read this?

      Thanks for the laughter!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Onegreen, I'm sure I'll write about the Jesus date at some point in time. I think Jesus would have been more interesting to date than the woman.

      Glad you enjoyed the fun and I look forward to getting to know you more too.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Yvonne! My fellow humans never disappoint me. When I'm suffering writer's block all I have to do is a quick google search and there is my material for the next hub! :)

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      This is LOL funny..I will have to try a search on Google. Ha, The lady in the restaurant probably ended up in Bellview..Hee

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruby, I swear that happened and I do wish I knew what happened to her. She seemed so sweet right up until the point where she mentioned her constant companion. :) I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness.

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 5 years ago from United States

      haha...Bill another hit hub.

      loved reading it :) cheers!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Glad you liked it Ruchira! As usual I had great fun preparing it and writing it. Thank you!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      I love your humor and you have me laughing out loud here, Billybuc. I had a good chuckle on the "eye twitch" comments you made. Thanks for the humor today.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      My pleasure Teaches! We all need some humor to balance our days. Glad you enjoyed it!

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      A joy to read as always! What an odd assortment of topics!

      I hope Janice Armstrong isn't reading this! She could still be causing quite a bit of twitching as she takes her seat at early bird dinner. Though I have a feeling some those twitches might need some pharmaceutical help at this point. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dana, I swear you are funnier than I am; your comments always have me laughing out loud. Thanks for dropping by; I'll be Janice is still a babe! :)

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      I just had a call from Janice Armstrong. She is NOT amused. Said she can still twitch with the best of 'em. And thanks to three rich (now deceased) husbands who so adored her they never let her lift anything heavier than a fork, there's a lot more to twitch now...350 pounds to be exact. Just more to love, right? Says you should call her sometime and catch up. ;D

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      Bill - Can't help it. I am a total wise-ass :) ... I think JamaGenee has us both beat! What a hoot!

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Thanks, DanaTeresa! (she says bowing humbly). lol!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      This is the first hub I've read today and I'm starting out the morning in a great mood after reading this very funny hub of yours. Thanks for the laughs :)

    • Tom Koecke profile image

      Tom Koecke 5 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

      I wonder how your date figured out it was Jesus and not Willie Nelson.

      Funny hub!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jama, you're killing me! I'll have you know Janice was showing breasts at 13 and she was hot! My fantasies cannot be ruined by your jabs about her slight weight gain. :) Thanks for the laugh and have a fabulous day my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dana, yes you are; just one more reason why I like you.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jama, Dana, you two have quite the mutual admiration society going on...I bow to both of you.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      You are very welcome Susan; glad I could provide a laugh this morning. Thank you my friend and I'll check out your new hub shortly.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Good question Tom; wish I would have thought of that at the time.

    • Ciel Clark profile image

      Ciel Clark 5 years ago from USA

      I had to do the search... The closest I could find was someone who heard an unspecified voice coming from his stomach. I am amazed--Usually you can find anything on the internet--either I did the search wrong, or...?

      Very funny hub-- your side comments are great. (Also, try juicing a couple of raw beets --red is not always bad).

      I'm forwarding this one.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Very funny; I could have used the stomach voice item. :) Glad you enjoyed yourself. I just friended you; it appears you are quite a vagabond and I have no doubt you are interesting as a bonus.

    • profile image

      iamaudraleigh 5 years ago

      Bill, you have the great ability to tell a story well! The snakes appreciate it, the lady who found Jesus might not, and the people who like to poke another in the face...lol!

      You are even funnier thn the Three Stooges!

      I voted this up for being so funny!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Audra; I come from a long line of Irish storytellers! I appreciate you greatly my friend.

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Very, very funny. After four kids, I know that grape soda and pepto bismal can make a person poo green. It is really amazing some of the things that people are googling. Thanks for the chuckles.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Always my pleasure Tammy and thank you for the description of your kids' poo...very funny! :)

    • raciniwa profile image

      raciniwa 5 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

      heho...hahahaha...yeah, i've always been poked in the face and research on visuals i got in my mind when i'm meditating...this is just great billy...and now i know you have quite a sense of humor there...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Raci, I do indeed have a sense of humor. It is surfacing more and more on HubPages now. Thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    • whoisbid profile image

      whoisbid 5 years ago

      I find youtube search to be ridiculous

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Whoisbid, thank you for your comment.

    • Ciel Clark profile image

      Ciel Clark 5 years ago from USA

      Billybuc, I am going to have to share this with my almost teenager son. His newest thing instead of hugging is offering "...a friendly handshake," I don't exactly know why this reminded me of your hub, but it did.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ciel, I love it. A friendly handshake? Well, I guess it's better than nothing. LOL...thanks for sharing that and for reading my hub.

    • eric-carter profile image

      eric-carter 5 years ago from Fulham, UK

      Well this made me laugh:) Thanks!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eric, I'm glad you got a chuckle out of it. Thanks for the follow and welcome to HubPages.

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