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Top Google Search with Humor: What Does It Mean When Someone Pokes You In The Face and Other Nonsense
Well my friends, it’s that time again when we find out what hundreds of thousands of inquiring internet junkies are searching for. Our fellow citizens of the world have never disappointed us in the past and this week is no exception. We have some rather remarkable searches this week.
For the sake of introduction let me first tell those of you who are uninitiated that I have been doing these searches for almost two months now. I will type a partial question into the search engines and then sit back and shake my head at the responses that pop up. Since I find many of these to be at best hilarious and at worst frightening I feel I owe it to all of you to share these responses with you.
Of course, I also feel it is my responsibility to add my own brand of humor to the proceedings, so I hope you are all in a laughing mood. Sit back, put your feet up and relax, and welcome to the world of search engines billybuc style! This week’s question is: “What Does It Mean….?”
WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF YOUR STOOL IS GREEN?
I’m not a doctor but I’d say you need to cut back on the lettuce! Other than the fascination aspect I don’t much care if my stool is green, purple or neon orange, as long as it isn’t red. Know what I’m sayin’? During the 60’s quite a few of my friends had some rather interesting stool colors and they were more than willing to share their tales of tie-dye poop. Most of them are still alive so I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the good news is you might be able to sell your story to the National Enquirer and the bad news is you might want to clean out that colon of yours.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN SOMEONE POKES YOU IN THE FACE?
Who in the world are these people hanging out with, the Three Stooges? I gotta tell ya, I have been walking this planet for over six decades and I have never had someone walk up to me and poke me in the face! What does it mean? You need to change friends and quickly! If that kind of behavior is acceptable in your circle of friends then what’s next? What part of your body are they going to want to poke next?
The part about this internet search that amazes me most is that there must be thousands who are typing in this search so evidently there is a whole lot of face poking going on in the world. Is it a part of a culture that I am not aware of? Instead of kissing they poke? Oops, I think I’m on thin ice right now. Time to move on!
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOUR EYE TWITCHES?
Well, if someone just poked you in the eye your eye is going to twitch quite a bit and it means you need to learn how to duck when you see it coming! On the other hand, if your eye started twitching right after you noticed your green stool it means you are as repulsed by this subject as I am!
My eye used to twitch quite a bit when Janice Armstrong would walk by me in the 8th grade. In fact, quite a bit of my body twitched when she strolled by doing that thing she did. I don’t suppose this is the same thing, though, do you? I mean, Janice has to be in her sixties and she isn’t going to cause anyone to twitch at this stage in her life, right? Hell, I don’t know what it means. Take two aspirin, wear an eye patch and don’t bother the rest of us with this nonsense.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN A GUY STARES AT YOU?
Oh my! Where do I begin? He’s probably staring at you because that damn eye of yours is twitching! Maybe he heard through the poop grapevine that yours is green. You could have some lettuce stuck between your teeth, a booger showing in your nostril or the guy thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don’t know, I don’t care and I’m not your therapist!
I had to figure this stuff out all on my own. I didn’t have the internet back when I was wondering about the actions of the opposite sex; of course, I never had a girl stare at me either so this question never came up for me. Consult your horoscope like the rest of us do when we have a meaty question about life.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOU DREAM ABOUT SNAKES?
There are so many one-liners I’m thinking about right now but I might not be able to publish this if I use them. Let me ask my readers this question: If you had a dream about a snake would you go online to find out what it means? Does this reek just a bit of paranoia? Or insecurity? Or cluelessness?
If these are guys doing these searches then there is only one way we can go with this. If you dream of a King Cobra then you should wake up feeling pretty good! If you dream about a garter snake then your self-image really needs a boost and fast!
WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF YOU DREAM ABOUT SOMEONE?
I don’t know! Is he a snake? Has he been staring at you? Does his eye twitch? In the dream does he/she have multi-colored stool? If your dream included all of the above then you really need to be careful where you buy your mushrooms in the future. My old buddy from college can get your some darn good ‘srooms for half the price and double the pleasure.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE AN AMERICAN?
I don’t even know what this question means? Anybody? By definition it means you are a citizen of one of the countries that makes up America…..no, not just the United States you egotistical red, white and blue numbskull!
What else could the question mean? What characteristics do Americans have? Are we dealing with an identity crises here? These people don’t know how they are supposed to act as Americans? Let me see if I can help. If you wake up and think your stool doesn’t stink then you are probably an American. If you wake up and think your snake is bigger than any other snake in the world you are probably an American. If you wake up and half the world wants to poke you in the face you are probably an American. If you wake up and think that everyone dreams of being like you then you are probably an American.
Don’t try to thank me; I’m glad I could be of assistance.
IT’S TIME TO SAY ADIOS
About fifteen or sixteen years ago I took a woman out on a date. We actually met for breakfast and while we were eating she announced to me….and I swear it was completely out of the blue…she announced to me that Jesus spoke to her from her pants. One minute we were discussing mutual friends and the next minute I am hearing about this voice she hears from down under. I damn near choked on my bacon and suffice it to say I finished my meal in record time and got the heck out of that restaurant.
Compared to that experience these search questions don’t even register on my shock meter but still, they are pretty darn entertaining. Wait! You don’t suppose that woman I dated had a big family and they all spend their spare time doing internet searches???? Come to think of it I do believe her eye twitched.
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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Other funny google searches by billybuc:
http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense
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